Okay, I’m officially in love. ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper. I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet. Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth. Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance. That’s what I’m going to do. His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches. His line last time nearly as good. His line tomorrow? The moon! Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon. I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues. He has a nice K-rate and solid control. A terrific combo. Could he go out next time and roofie you? There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs. He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week. He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP. He’s the one true outcome hitter.
Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench. Thanks, Matt Kemp. I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.
Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week. Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him? How inconsiderate.
Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.
Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games. Also, hitting .333 over the last week. To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind). BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind? Adam Snider? Maybe it’s me.
Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday. At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.
Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match. He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.
Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain. Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August. And he might. But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.
Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez. Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.
Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians. All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs. That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.
Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast. I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.
Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee. His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.
Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee. His knee probably does own him.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.
David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs. I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.
Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.
Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September. On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.
Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.
Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him? Thanks!
Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate. In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.
Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game. He’s also hitting near .400 in August.
Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months. Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break. Cust kayin’.
Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently. Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible. No, I think it’s the first reason. I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate. Heilman’s still the closer.
Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series. Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute. Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting. Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant. All these babies make complete sense. The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions. Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses. He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time. He only has three non-quality starts all year. He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.
Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers. If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.
Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR. J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.
Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits. Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI. Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”