The news is good, Allen Craig is in a walking boot and on crutches. Yay! Sorry, I should’ve said the news was good for people who don’t own Allen Craig. *smacks forehead with palm of hand* Geez, I’m such a huckleberry! So, this means the new Cardinals first baseman is… Please, open door number one! Actually, all I see is his elbow. Could you open door number two, as well? Hmm, still missing his right side. Go ahead and open door number three, too. There he is… Matt Adams! I’ve teased Adams a lot about his girth and that ain’t right, even if right and girth are anagrams. Adams isn’t out of shape…if watermelon is a shape! The zaftig Madams will be playing first for as long as Craig can’t and I’d grab Adams in all leagues where I needed power. He could hit five homers the rest of the way if Craig stays sidelined until the playoffs. As of right now, there’s no word on how much time Craig will need. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Wacha – Next time out he can throw 100 pitches. Mazel tov! Does he get to read from the Torah too?
David Freese – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. Guess who picked him up for a one day batty call? This guy with two thumbs, a dope-ass mustache and a shirt that says, “I was an honor student.”
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hard to even call him a 1st half pitcher. He’s like a first ten starts of the year pitcher. He has a 5+ ERA in the 2nd half and in June and July his ERAs were 4.83 and 4.84, respectively. Though, I’m not sure why those ERAs deserve our respect..ively. My iPhone likes to correct the word ‘terrible’ to craycraycrap, and that’s what you are Lynn. I knew I should’ve never downloaded the app, Kanye Autocorrect.
Tony Cingrani – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Solid first start back from the DL or as Dusty calls it “Girlie rest for namby-pambys.” Sorry, four girl readers, those are Dusty’s words, not mine. Johnny Cueto is said to be returning as reliever now, so Cingrani is safe and, after last night, I’ve seen enough to start him in any league for his next start. He’s not craycraycrap.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Let’s play everyone’s (no one’s) favorite game, How Is January Grey Doing With His Projections? In the postseason, Rudy will go over how I compare to others at prognosticating, but Bruce’s preseason projections were 95/35/105/.259/7 and he’s at 78/27/90/.267/3, which means January Grey didn’t do so well with Bruce. It’s the general range of what you should expect, but Bruce needs to get crazy hot to get close to those projections.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4 and two solo homers (14, 15). He’s over the 50% threshold so no afternoon Buy column for him, but he is hitting near .300 in the last week, and any guy who hits two homers in a game is seeing the ball well, so I’d take a shot on him finally turning it on if you’re in one of those leagues where he’s available.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. He’s really gotten hot as of late, huh? I attribute it to him facing a steady diet of righties. Matt Adams, “Diet of what? That sounds craycraycrappy!”
Joe Mauer – Not close to returning from his concussion. The Twins just can’t catch a break with concussions. They unload one dizzy guy in Morneau and they get another back. They should look into concussing the rest of their players and then moving into the baseball league where you have to spin your head on the bat handle ten times before swinging.
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. White Sox. Damn, I was so close to starting him for this start. In a parallel universe league where I do pick up all these great starts and hot hitters, I must be kicking ass!
Brian Roberts – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer as he hit leadoff. Probably a good idea to have him at the top of the order. This way he can get an at bat in before he gets hurt.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3 and his 30th homer. I’m as fickle of a bastard as you’ll meet. I like this guy one year, don’t like him next year. Hate this guy one year, love him next year. Adam Jones? Oh, I’ll love him again next year.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-3 and his 25th homer. He represents all that is right with punting middle infield. Since I’m in a nostalgic mood today, on our Player Rater, the top five shortstops are Segura, Desmond, Tulo, Andrus and Hardy. Tulo was a high pick, Desmond and Andrus were a middle round draft pick and Segura and Hardy were late-round flyers. Preseason top 5 for Point Shares: Hanley, Reyes, Zobrist, Tulo and Rutledge. Preseason top 5 for me: Tulo, Reyes, Castro, Rollins and Desmond. It didn’t seem that crackers when I ranked them, but I also said repeatedly don’t draft a high shortstop and grab Segura. There, I found a way to be in the general vicinity of correctness.
Matt Kemp – Played in a simulated game. Take your 3-D headgear and get on the field already!
Nolan Arenado – Day-to-day with a bruised thumb. Sadly, with so little time left, I didn’t have room to deal with a week’s worth of ‘will he or won’t he play’s, so I dropped him. Welcome to the Fantasy Master Lothario’s All-Star Team, Cody Asche!
Domonic Brown – Out for a week. I feel your pain about cutting players that have treated you so well all year. It’s best to drop them like you’re ripping off a Band-Aid. One quick pull from Domonic Brown to Avisail Garcia. The pain goes away after the first hit from the new player.
Eric Thames – Astros claimed him off waivers. The Astros are like a poor man’s Mets. The Mets have seven fair-to-middling outfielders and the Astros have ten crappy ones. I guess the good news is when a little kid goes to an Astros game and sees the outfield, they can say, “Hey, daddy, look at Thames Hoes!”
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. When you open Gray’s player page, do you ever take a Sharpie and draw a mustache on him? Hmm, maybe it’s just me. Can I draft him for next year right now? Yes, please and thank you.
Brad Peacock – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Stream-o-Nator didn’t love this start, and I kinda understand it. The A’s have been hitting the leder out of the hosen, but SON has a bit more interest in Peacock’s next start vs. the Mariners and I could see giving him a whirl there if you’re needy.
Josh Fields – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Got the save yesterday. Don’t let the lure of his mom’s cookies baking entice you into picking up his 5.81 ERA, unless you stink of desperation.
David Price – 7 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. Did the weatherman for CBS’s The Early Show, David Price, pitch this game? Why can’t I have anything nice….EVER?! I’m hoping this was a fluky start by Price and not a sign that his arm is hurting again. I can only handle so much, Fantasy Baseball Overlord!
Collin Cowgill – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs as he did much of the damage against my beloved Price. Collin Cowgill? What is that? Sounds like the name Mike Trout put on his fake ID. Cow’s don’t have gills, be gone with you!
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with the Red Sox giving up, like, 12 steals. Overbay stole a base! Soriano! A-Rod! Vernon Wells! Suzuki! Sounds like the night Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley got drunk on the set of Cocoon and cornered Maureen Stapleton in her trailer. You know, elderly men going from first to second.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 52nd steal. Please let him hit 5 more homers and steal 10 more bases this month. Nope, I don’t own him, I just want him even more overrated than he’s gonna be.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Not sure which coach it was in the minors that corrected whatever it was that was wrong with Middlebrooks, but, here’s an idea, maybe the Red Sox should’ve sent that coach video of Middlebrooks from April and said, “Hey, what’s wrong with this?” I know, I’m a real innovative thinker.
Ivan Nova – 4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox who just came off a 20-run game. If you started Nova here, I bet you also like clothespins on your nipples.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 1 run. Another guy that would be in this afternoon’s Buy if he weren’t over 50% owned (51.6). If you’re in one of those 48.4% of the leagues where he is available, I’d absolutely grab him. BTW, you hear about the time Adam Eaton and Matt Adams happened to be waiting in the same restaurant for a table? The hostess said, “Adam Eaton,” and Matt Adams said, “I wanna be!”
Salvador Perez – 3-for-3, 1 RBI, but left yesterday’s start after getting hit in the mask by a foul ball. Sounds like Rocky Dennis has got into porn! Perez had a concussion earlier this year when he slipped off a ladder hanging a plaster of Paris effigy of his abuelita, so coming back from another ding on the ol’ melon might not be immediate. The Royals seemed particularly troubled when they removed Perez from the game, saying he couldn’t answer any of Rusty Kuntz questions. In defense of Perez, the question Rusty Kuntz posed to him was, “Can you say my name without laughing?”
Emilio Bonifacio – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 25th steal, and his 30th steal since his trade to the Royals. Okay, my math is wrong there, but he’s stolen enough bases in the last few weeks on the Royals to make it seem slightly less obscene how high I ranked him in the preseason. I thought he’d do this shizz in April and make me look smart, what the hell do I know? I’m just a stupidly handsome man with machismo coming out of his ying-yang.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI. Not much to say for him from yesterday, but since it was the only afternoon game, I watched it and this struck me as odd. The Mariner announcers intro’d Hosmer by saying, “Here comes the best Royals hitter,” and I didn’t know if they were right or wrong. Oy gevalt!
Alex Gordon – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. I saw someone on Twitter say if Salvador Perez didn’t miss time to injuries this year the Royals would be in the playoffs. Sounds like dopey shizz that is said on dopey-ass Twitter (I don’t like Twitter — bah, get off my lawn!), but I will say yesterday’s extra inning game would’ve ended two hours earlier and the Royals would be in the playoffs if Gordon was hitting third.
Felix Hernandez – Bumped to Wednesday due to his back. F-Her went from a Cy Young contender season to a great-season-if-on-the-surface-not-spectacular-due-to-his-ERA because of his last few starts. I wouldn’t drop him outright since he gets the Astros on Wednesday. They’re always good for a nice little rebounding session for a pitcher.
Joe Saunders – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 3 Ks. Solid start from Saunders. Was able to hit all his spots and the Royal hitters didn’t look like they had a chance. Oops! I was writing that while my monitor was reflected in a mirror so it came out backwards. Just mentally flip it around for me, would ya?
Justin Smoak – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. I was between him and Saunders for a batty call yesterday. Guess which one I chose? Dah! Grey Albright, you could not touch a boob squeezing past Dolly Parton in an airplane aisle!