I thought Jay Bruce was a lock for 30/100 not dirty undies. Thirty-hundo not dirty-undies! All year Bruce Stinksteen has been behind “Born to Run” Billy Hamilton, Todd Frazier, who’s classically rocking out and Learning to Fly, and Devin “Is That Your Face Or Are You Wearing Wax Lips?” Mesoraco, who had a breakout season. And, here, Jay Bruce is less appetizing than sitting across from Bruce Jenner when it’s humid. Hard to know where the bottom is. Problem people find when speculating on stocks. Same problem with fantasy baseball. Yesterday, Bruce went 0-for-5 with five strikeouts while his team scored seven runs. He’s now hitting .218. But is that the bottom and he’ll turn things around in the final month? Or will he hit .150 in the final month and make you wish you owned some hot schmotato? The hell you say if I know. Depends a bit on your league, and I’ve been telling people to hold Bruce and wait for the turnaround, but if Steve Pearce or Adam Eaton or some other hot schmotato is on your waivers, I can understand moving on. Let Bruce loose, turnabout is fair play. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 51st steal. Only 50 more steals to reach the most conservative Reds fan projections from back in March.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (18, 19). Is he officially in the 2nd round discussion for next year? Not talking about at ESPN. I mean in reality.
Dylan Axelrod – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Solid enough start, but I wouldn’t go anywhere near him, though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.
Anthony Rizzo – Sat two straight days with a sore back. Lower lumbar support to the Rizzo!
Jake Arrieta – 4 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies cried when Blue Ivy was seen dancing to her mom at the VMAs, they ice bucket challenged Doogie Howser and they will rip out your ratios and crap into your fantasy team’s neck.
Masahiro Tanaka – Threw a simulated game. It was on a Game Boy and sponsored by Nintendo.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Uh-oh, feeling a rhyme coming on… Tanaka’s over there playing with his Game Boy and Kuroda’s over here entering the game to Crank That by Soulja Boy. Kuroda’s listening to Ice-T’s Colors, gangbanging with Hideki Matsui who is a pack rat; Tanaka colors on his Denny’s place mat. Kuroda doesn’t have anything in common with Tanaka except his– I is scant on details; does he buy retail? Does he call bear claws bear tails? Does he write-in Dan Quayle’s…name, but misspelling it? Hell, if I know it. But only one guy will pitch this year, that much is clear, don’t forget, Miguel Olivo will eat your ear.
Josh Outman – The Yankees acquired him to be a middle reliever. When Outman heard he was traded, there was some confusion on whether they were saying his name or if there was a comma between Out and man.
Kyle Lobstein – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 K. I played a Lobstein in high school. You question his shot selection and he replies, “What, I should hit every ball hard?” I’m sure Lobstein’s thrilled to take showers with Max Scherzer. “Um, uh, you first.”
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 1 run. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. If that don’t get you running back at 12 PM PST to read it, well, then I don’t know nothing! Especially not nothing about double negatives.
Eric Hosmer – Could start a rehab assignment this weekend. The chase for ten homers could begin again next week. The family of Rabbit Maranville, who had 28 homers in 10,078 at-bats, will be following him around for the final month.
Jeremy Guthrie – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. Tommy Milone (5 1/3 IP, 4 ER). This game was held to test the Field of Dreams theory that if you build, they will come. There were fans in attendance, so I guess it holds up.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 1 run and two steals (22, 23). I rang up Cain yesterday for the batty call, and now I can’t drop him. I’ve fallen in love. Give me herpes if you must, but I’m going to marry this man!
Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Okay, I’m fine with you getting hot. Please continue.
Jordan Schafer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th steal on the Twins, and 25th steal overall. He’s been a SAGNOF machine that hasn’t got enough press from me. Press? What am I, a newsie? Hey, kid, I got a beat for ya! Yeah, see, Schafer, stealing bases? Go down and get a good quote, now amscray! Clueless to how SAGNOFy Schafer’s been? He has 25 steals in only 143 ABs. That was you doing a double take.
Kurt Suzuki – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .293. I’m done bashing Mauer for this year. All I’m going to say is Suzuki has had as much fantasy value as him. There’s nothing left to say.
Yan Gomes – Should return from his concussion today. Fingers crossed that the final concussion test isn’t how to spell John.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you wanna get a jump on the three other people in the world that actually find Jose Ramirez attractive as a fantasy option and assuming one or more of those persons is in your league, I’d grab him now. He’s got speed, will travel, fast.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Indians pitching staff is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with their ability to scrub coal into a diamond. Trevor Bauer and Danny Salazar? Agita. Corey Kluber and now Carrasco? Muah! Two starts ago when Carrasco threw, I said, “Don’t tell anyone, but Carrasco is quietly having a terrific season. Carrasco has a 8.3 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and 3.18 xFIP. It’s only in six starts and most of his appearances (77 IP) have come in relief. Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I’d definitely give him a whirl.” And that’s me quoting me! Since then, Carrasco’s numbers have moved in the right direction (8.6 K/9, 2.1 BB/9). At this point, I wouldn’t just stream him. I’d own him.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 13th steal. No idea why you’re not picking him up. Y’all a bunch of Olsen Twins that don’t like Eaton!
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 3.03. Just get to the end of the year with an ERA under 3.25 and it won’t be awkward at Thanksgiving.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3 and his 26th homer. Not bad for the A’s backup, backup, backup, backup, backup catcher.
Daniel Murphy – Underwent an MRI on his troublesome calf. Unfortch, PETA couldn’t save his calf and the Mets DL’d him, calling up…
Dilson Herrera – First, I’d like to welcome everyone from Daniel Murphy’s blurb. I knew you’d be safe getting here on your own. You impress me more every day we sorta know each other over the internet. Herrera’s the Mets 20-year-old middle infield prospect. Too bad Mookie Wilson and Keith Hernandez didn’t adopt a kid in 1994, he could be called up now. Or…did they? Yeah, prolly. So, Herrera has solid pop and speed. Like Pedroia-ish. He’s also tiny. Not quite Altuve tiny. Five Herreras could fit in Ralph Kiner’s casket. Maybe 7 or 8 Altuves could. See the difference? Herrera doesn’t seem to have the batting average skills of Pedroia, but he’s still young and could grow into them. In keepers and NL-Only leagues, I’d aggressively go after him. Murphy doesn’t seem long for the Mets, and Herrera could be the 2nd baseman of the future. In redraft leagues for right now? Meh. I’d have to be desperate.
Jon Niese – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. At the point in the season where a borderline guy like Niese is a streamer…Well, actually, he’s been a streamer for most of the year and is only owned in 33% of leagues. Yadda whatever, the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but I’d stream him there.
Jonny Venters – Has a re-tear of his UCL after his 2nd Tommy John surgery. This news comes to us exactly two years after Fredi Gonzalez asked Venters to throw in his record six hundredth day in a row.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looks like whatever was bugging him earlier in the year has been corrected, and pitching in the NL East in the final month when division rivals face off, it’s a good time to come correct.
Emilio Bonifacio – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 19th steal. He’s in some kind of weird platoon, and if you don’t take any other advice that my mustache bestows on you, don’t try to get into Fredi’s mind to figure out said platoon.
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.99. I get the sense people still don’t trust him. When a guy has a 2.99 ERA at the end of August, do you really even need to think about not trusting him? Stop trying to solve the world’s problems, Sean Penn, and just own him!
Tony Sipp – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Qualls was beat up the night before, so Sipp came on and closed the door while saying, “Do you live in a barn?!” Sipp’s a lefty and I don’t think he’s going to see any or many more saves.
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.19. *train horn* Next stop, 3.50!
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Did he actually elevate a ball? Could it be true? Did he see a worm hang gliding on the back of a butterfly and try to kill yet another worm and the ball just sailed over the fence? I must know! I will wait for a reply. Thanking you in advance, Ann Landers.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. The nicest thing I can say about him is I mention him a whole lot more than Desmond Jennings (2-for-4, 1 run). Seemed like for a while the Rays could do no wrong with prospects. Doesn’t feel that way much anymore.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer and four in the last eight games. Pearce has been crazy hot; you should absolutely own him. This is not a crack on him; this is a crack on all of baseball. Pearce is approaching Top 40 OF territory on our Player Rater and his whole season has been about five weeks of hitting well — about one hot week in May, two weeks in June and two weeks in August. That’s five weeks in five months.
Anthony Ranaudo – Will start today vs. the Rays. I’m pretty sure no one would mention him if he pitched for anyone other than the Sawx. If he were on San Francisco, he’d be respected for his speed and soft hands and complicated last name Ranaudo-Nehemiah, but not much else.
Gregor Blanco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Especially impressive since this was a day game and Gregor Blanco has no pigment. With Angel Pagan (3-for-4, 1 run, 13th steal) also in the lineup, all they needed was Vaticano Conspiracio at shortstop. Dan Brown, “This stuff writes itself.”
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save. Bounced back nicely after his blown save on Wednesday. Yet, Bruce Bochy and his giant melon that rests on top of his shoulders said the Giants could use a committee going forward. Terrific. Sergio Romo would be the logical guy to share saves, but there’s only one problem. They’re both righties. Since baseball rules state you can only have one ball in play at one time, I’m not sure how you work two righties into a committee. Jeremy Affeldt, as voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, could see some saves too if there’s lefties due up in the ninth. Lefty-righty committee, I understand. Righty-righty-lefty? Your guess = my guess.
Yusmeiro Petit – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Set the MLB record for consecutive outs. Big deal. If those batters didn’t want to be out, they wouldn’t have traveled to San Francisco.