In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief. He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits. In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit. Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.” Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time. So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons. Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery. That’s a long time to eat Jell-O. Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. This year Parker’s rebounded nicely. His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot. I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear. Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes. I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job. I mean, a lot. Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do. Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down. At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already. Bring back steroids!
Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Stupid Lincoln! I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.
Neil Walker – 3-for-4. When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk. He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks. That’s less than a half homer per week. A half of a homer is a double. So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second? So useless. I hate you, Neil Walker.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season? Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.
Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.
Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils. I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note. His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton. Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.
Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game! Now where’s my straw for chewing?”
Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test. Guess he forgot he already took one.
Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week. My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.
John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER. My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks. I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.
Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals. He says he needs to get on base to steal bases. Props to his baserunning coach. Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis. Next lesson: After You Hit The Ball, Run To First. Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games. When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive. Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.” Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”
Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer. Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.
Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save. Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.
Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.
Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer. EA is in the game.
Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend. We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.
Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days. Snap, crackle, crap.
Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute. Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill. “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”