John Rocker said baseball was “better with steroids.” Sure it is, if you enjoy atrophic testicles and 980 foot home runs. Atrophic testicles are also available at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen. Winner, winner, gonad dinner. John Rocker loves his ‘roids. He also said other incredibly “poignant” things that can be enjoyed in his new children’s book, It’s a Small World (Who Let the Asians in). Hey, I’m no literary critic and I’m certainly no doctor, I’m a guru dammit, but steroids are bad for your spunk tanks and bad for your fake baseball team. This whole Biogenesis thing is ugly, but the real tragedy is the impact on the fantasy universe! The steroid hammer of death is about to fall on the junk of Nelson Cruz, Everth Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta and of course John Rocker’s new housemate on Spike TV’s I’m a Celebrity Douche…Get Me Out of Here, Alex Rodriguez. Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon may have dodged the wrath of Bud, so light a candle, kick Melky to the curb and hold onto Colon for now. The rest will be gone for the year and sipping HGH fortified Manischewitz with the original fallen hammer, Ryan Braun. If you have not got a jump start on your league mates already, consider today’s blog a syringeful of anabolic fantasy help. Hope we don’t grow man boobs. Or maybe I do. It’s time to jam it or cram it. We’re on the juice!
Jam or Cram: Cody Ross, OF, Arizona Diamondbacks
Availability: 90% Yahoo, 99% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 2 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI, .500 AV
The Gist: With Nelson Cruz poised to sit his zit covered bum down until the foreseeable future, you are going to need a power hitting outfielder. Gentleman and four lady readers, say hello to Cody Ross. Ross knocked 22 homers last season in Boston. So far this year, Ross has six home runs for the D-Backs. It’s been a terrible year for Ross. He’s been like Colonel Kurtz watching snails crawling on the edge of a straight razor for most of the season. The horror, the horror. Now you need him. Since the start of July he’s hit .362, with a couple of homers, 11 RBI, 11 runs and three stolen bases. Against lefties, he’s your Platoony Tunes poster boy this year with a .376 average and four home runs.
Key Stat: Ross has 63 career home runs from July-September.
X-File: After calling Sox GM Ben Cherington a liar, Ross promptly went 4-5 with a homer and 3 RBI against his former team on Friday. Somewhere in the bowels of Fenway Park, John Henry uttered, “Release the hounds.”
Jam it or Cram it: *cue the Wagner* Ross is out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any expectable human conduct. Add with extreme prejudice. Expect numbers the rest of the way. JAM.
Jam or Cram: Ryan Raburn, 2B/OF, Cleveland Indians
Availability: 91% Yahoo, 90% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 3 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI, .426 AV
The Gist: If E-Cab is currently manning your second base position it’s time to punt. Uncle Bud is sending him to the bench. Hey, I thought the ‘roid guys would be built like a Bunyan, too. Time to grab the hot infielder and ride him into the playoffs. What, you’re going to wait around for appeals? The hottest infielder over the past week is Ryan Raburn and Ry-Ray certainly deserves some attention. He’s hitting .387 over the past 30 games with four homers and 11 RBI. If you’re in an OPS league his 30-game 1.084 will make you smile like Tony Bosch finding out the feds aren’t going to kick in the door of the condo.
Key Stat: Slugging .544 in about 200 plate appearances this year.
X-File: Raburn’s strikeout percentage is 24.1%. That kind of number causess most to look into making a Winstrol investment. Amiright, Melky? *awkward looks*
Jam or Cram: Cleveland manager Terry Francona has been careful with this bat and doesn’t play him every day. However, four days a week of solid production and multiple position eligibility beats seven days of nothing from Dustin Ackley. JAM.
Jam or Cram: Xander Bogaerts, SS, Boston Red Sox
Availability: 91% Yahoo
The Gist: Jhonny Peralta was hitting a surprising .305 with 10 homers and we all rejoiced in our late round discovery. Little did we know he was juiced up to his jhonny. Now we’re left holding the “h” and what, Stephen f’n Drew is our answer? No way. It’s Xander time. Bogaerts has certainly received his share of Razzball love here, here and here. The 20-year-old Bogaerts is still marinating down in the minors, but will get the call up within the next two weeks. The natural shortstop most likely will play third base when he gets the call.
Key Stat: In 99 games between Double-A and Triple-A, Bogaerts has hit .300 with 14 home runs, 59 RBI and 7 steals.
X-File: Bogaerts is hitting .371 with a 1.035 OPS in the past two weeks. Get him to Boston already! Don’t bogart my Xander.
Jam it or Cram it: In keeper leagues I’ve had Bogaerts stashed since April. In other leagues I’m grabbing him where I can, lighting candles, praying to my George Scott bobble head and writing his name all over my Trapper Keeper. Bogaerts looks like a can’t miss of Manny Machado-style proportions. He’s so good I wish I could snort him. If Bogaerts gets 40 games the rest of the way I could see 8-10 homers and a .285 average. JAM.
Jam or Cram: Alex Avila, C, Detroit Tigers
Availability: 78% Yahoo, 96% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 5 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI, .375 AV
The Gist: Nobody currently owns Yasmani Grandal, I hope. If you do, you probably auto-drafted and haven’t checked your team since April. What are you doing here? Oh, you did a search for midget porn and it brought you here. Please see Tehol. Grandal is one of the Biogenesis guys and will get the hammer of Bud tomorrow and no one cares. *one lonely tear* However, if you’re a catcher in the streamer like me there’s some hot schmotatoes right now and Alex Avila is one of them.
Key Stat: Avila has 13 hits in his last 10 games. Bake him a cake!
X-File: Avila just raised his average to .200. Shove cake in his face!
Jam it or Cram it: Since I wait until late rounds when drafting a catcher, Avila was a guy I picked up way back when. I expected a solid season. That didn’t happen and I banished him to the waiver wire by the time May rolled around. I think I’ll leave him right there. CRAM.
*Bonus Tracks* The All Steroid Streamers
Jason Giambi, 1B, Cleveland Indians: Admitted juicer Giambi was the oldest player ever to hit a walk-off home run last week. It’s hard to do sitting in a Rascal. CRAM
Marlon Byrd, OF, New York Mets: Byrd lost 50 games last season for PED use. He hit one home run all year. This year he’s clean and has hit 17. Sure, makes perfect sense. *buries head in sand* JAM
Michael Morse, 1B/OF, Seattle Mariners: Morse was suspended for steroids back in 2005. Can he take them again? Morse has just 12 homers and a .245 average this season. CRAM
Thanks for playing along Razzballer’s. The Goo is starting a “bring up Xander” letter writing campaign today, but is available for all your jammer crammer questions. Follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.