Happy Easter, festive heathen Razzaholics. You look so cute in your Easter bonnet. Have one of these Cadbury eggs I injected with Makers Mark, all Hunter S. Thompson-style. Now that’s a scotch egg! Come on funny feelings. Eat three of these and you’ll be seeing that Donnie Darko bunny in the mirror for a week. We’re going on a little Easter egg hunt today looking to fill our basket with sweet delicious bargains that’ll resurrect our ruined roster. Despite being crucified by injuries this season (I’ve lost Matt Latos, Ryan Zimmerman, David Robertson and now Michael Cuddyer) your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru is still hanging in there with three of my five RCL teams in the top three of the standings. While it’s still early, standings can change quickly and one bad week could ruin me. I’m hurting for power and the SAGNOF! has been elusive thus far. That’s what we’re looking for today – homers, steals and saves. So strip out your Sunday best, toss the Easter tree out onto the front porch and stuff your face with Peeps, it’s time to jam it or cram it.
Stats Last Week: 5 R, 1 HR, 8 RBI, 0 SB, .414 AV.
Availability: 95% Yahoo, 96% ESPN
FAAB $$$ Value: $1. Don’t go overspending for a two-week wonder.
The Gist: Kouzmanoff is on his sixth team in seven years. There’s a reason for that. The Rangers signed the 32-year-old former hot prospect during the offseason for $20 and a “Remember the Alamo” snow globe. Seems like a good deal now with Adrian Beltre down and Kouzmanoff going all hot schmotato the last week. Maybe Arlington will be his happy place – it’s a great hitter’s park, a good lineup and them Texas gals are smokin’!
Key Stats: Kouz hit .370 with three homers and 12 RBI this spring in 54 at-bats.
Jam it or Cram it: Kouzmanoff certainly has legit softball league-type power. He had 23 homers and 84 RBI for the Padres…six years ago. The Kouz is like that girl you fell in love with for two weeks back in college. (She would also later be known as the Cooz, but for entirely different reasons.) Everything is great then you find out what a true skank they really are when they go 0-22 and/or sleep with every guy at Sigma Alpha Epsilon house. No, I’m not bitter, but I did need to by some “special” shampoo. Do not scratch this itch. CRAM
Stats Last Week: 6 R, 0 HR, 2 RBI, 4 SB, .286 AV.
Availability: 57% Yahoo, 55% ESPN
FAAB $$$ Value: $3. That’s in SAGNOF! dollars which is equal to about .27 cents.
The Gist: Hurting for speed? Yeah, me too. And saves! We’ll get to the other half of the SAGNOF! equation in a minute, but for the stealin’ part we have EYJ. The guy has legit wheels. In eight seasons in the minors he had 40+ stolen bases four times including an 87 steal season.
Key Stats: Young led the NL with 44 stolen bases last season.
Jam it or Cram it: While getting on base could be a problem – Young has 18 K’s already this season – his OBP isn’t actually that bad (.344). No doubt EJY is a force on the basepaths and he’s leading off which makes him a great DFS player as well. Need runs, need steals? JAM
Stats Last Week: 2 S, 4 K, 0.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP
Availability: 63% Yahoo, 66% ESPN
FAAB $$$ Value: $5. Going to have to overspend for saves, but don’t go cra cra.
The Gist: Let’s just pretend last year never happened (except the Sox winning the Series part) and toss Broxton’s 2013 numbers (4.11/1.27, 7.34 K/9 ratio) out the window. The guy needed elbow surgery. Big Jon is back and hasn’t forgotten how to close games. The guy has 111 career saves and four 20+ saves seasons under his size 47 belt. The problem is he can’t he stay healthy – he’s already been on the DL once this year after eating 732 chicken wings at the Cincinnati Hooters. Fat jokes are fun…and so easy.
Key Stats: Big Brox career opponents’ batting average is just .227.
Jam it or Cram it: We need the SAGNOF! so bad we’re willing to sell a kidney to get some (you don’t want the liver). If you’re in an RCL playpen you know what I’m talking about. I think there are teams out there with only relievers and Mike Trout just to mock me. If Broxton is hanging on the wire go and get him now…I’ll wait to start the next blurb… JAM
Stats Last Week: 3 R, 2 HR, 7 RBI, 1 SB, .500 AV.
Availability: 64% Yahoo, 66% ESPN
FAAB $$$ Value: $2. Don’t go nuts spending on catchers.
The Gist: Mesoraco is rocking in the early going. Steamer projections had him with 11 homers and a .244 average on the year, but he’s going to blow past those. He’s not going to hit .240, he’s also not going to continue hitting .500. Can he go .275 with 20+ homers? Your humble Guru says yes.
Key Stats: Mesoraco is hitting .480 with three homers. Put him in the April Hall of Fame with Charlie Blackmon.
Jam it or Cram it: If you’re currently running A.J. Pierzinski or Yan Gomes out there it may be time to take up fantasy cricket or pick up Mesoraco. I stream the hot catchers throughout the year and the Mesocaro is the cover boy of Hot Scmotato Weekly. JAM
Stats Last Week: 1 W, 3 K, 1.42 ERA, 1.11 WHIP
Availability: 77% Yahoo, 95% ESPN
FAAB $$$ Value: $2 or 40 nickels.
The Gist: Surprised at the number of quality starters just hanging on the waiver wire waiting to be plucked? Aaron Harang, Jason Vargas, Edison Volquez are all worth a serious look. However, the arm I want this week is Wily Peralta. Free Wily is 11/18 in QS since last year and he gets the Padres and the Cubs in his next two starts at home.
Key Stats: Peralta is 2-0 with a 1.96 ERA.
Jam it or Cram it: With so many starters on the DL it’s time to grab some early counting stats by grabbing arms facing bad hitting teams. Peralta isn’t sexy, but is the perfect play with two starts this week. JAM
Follow The Guru and his dirty turban on Twitter @TheGuruGS for fantasy roster 411’s and his signature move – the scotch-fueled selfie.