Carlos Zambrano in his own special way welcomed the Cubs new arrival, Jake Fox, with a shizzfit of epic proportions. Zambrano was ejected for bumping an ump, I especially enjoyed when the ump ejected him and he then ejected the ump. I’m out of order? No, YOU’RE out of order! Somewhere Michael Barrett flinched. Jake Fox can do it all. And, like Tyra Banks would say, he can do it fiercely. His Triple-A numbers are 40/17/50/.423 in 40 games with a .503 OBP. Pretty sick… And that’s sick as in healthy, not sick as in Conor Jackson, Carlos Quentin or Votto. But will Fox get time to do any of it, you ask. Let’s see, Soriano, Hoffpauir, Fuku, FU (Bradley), Derrek Lee and Reed Johnson in four spots. Fox’s only shot for regular playing time is at 3B and there he’d be a butcher. At 1B/OF, maybe he gets 3 starts a week unless D-Lee gets hurt. Though you can call D-Lee “DL” at this point, because he’s been about as reliable as a parachute made of bloomers. As with other rookies, if Fox gets the chance, he could prove successful, so you want to be the one that owns him. If he fails, then you drop him and take a bat to the Gatorade cooler. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Manny Parra – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners and 5 walks with 6 Ks. Unfortunately, this is what Parra do. Until he can get his walks in order, he’s not worth the psoriasis-inducing head scratching.
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5. Hey, look who decided to make an appearance. He’ll hit .250 and get 20+ homers. If that’s what you need, that’s what he does.
Matt Capps – Said to be returning soon. Be nice to get one save for all the effort I put in to pick up Grabow in every league. Throw Grey a bone here, would ya?
Mat Gamel – 0-for-3. Sticking with the Mat theme, but dropping one T like a bad geisha. Gamel’s 3rd base eligibility made him especially enticing to me as a cornerman. But he’s now making me long for Mark Teahen.
Luke Scott – Returned from the DL and hit a HR. He’ll steal time from Wigginton, which is ironic because they’re basically the same player. It would be like Mark Reynolds losing time to Chris Davis. Tomato-tomahto, Orioles. Find a blahtoon that makes sense to me then we’ll talk.
Nolan Reimold – Game winning homer yesterday. See, Gamel, that’s how you turn lemons into Country Time.
Brett Myers – Left the game with his hip to be flared. Again, he really shouldn’t even be on your team. To avoid future flare-ups, he promises to wear the proper gear when disagreeing with his wife.
Jay Bruce – 2 HRs. Now has 14 homers and only 29 RBIs. Sure would be nice if the Reds put some runners on for him. Maybe Dizzy Votto and his maritime compatriots can get aboard.
B.J. Ryan – For those holding out hope he’s taking over for Downs any moment, he’s given up 4 runs in the last 2 innings. The Blue Jays are paying him a lot of money so they feel compelled to play him. You shouldn’t.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER. His lack of Ks leaves me wanting more, but he’s obviously been decent. And his last name sounds like a delicious pasta sauce!
Josh Anderson – 4-for-5 while batting lead-off and stealing his 10th base. SAGNOF!
Oliver Perez – Jerry Manuel said, Perez will need to be in the minors for at least another start because of “knee problems.” Jerry Manuel needs a bar of soap for some “lying problems.”
Adam Dunn – Hit another HR. Since I traded him for Jose Reyes, he’s hit about five dozen home runs. Kill me now. Thank you.
Derek Holland – 5 IP, 5 ER. Was a terrible matchup, and he gets the Yankees again next time out.
Chien-Ming Wang – Well, lookie-lookie. 2 IP, 2 Ks and zero baserunners. Now let’s see you do it when you don’t have a seven run lead.
Elvis Andrus – I feel like I haven’t mentioned this enough, but where’s the effin’ steals, doode? 6 steals so far is not enough. Let’s go, Elvis, boogie.
Kevin Slowey – I don’t own him in any league, but I gladly would. I like Slowey a lot. But because I don’t own him, I had no idea of something… He’s got 7 Wins?! When did this happen? Some of my teams don’t have 7 Wins. Why am I fielding questions about whether to start this guy or not (when I invariably say start him)? He’s 7-1 with a near-4 ERA. Yeah, I’d start him.
Jered Weaver – Here’s another guy I feel like I keep answering questions about. He has a 2.36 ERA. For criminy sakes, start him.
Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 18th homer yesterday. Could this be the year we see a 40 homer guy call Petco home? (<–Sounds like something Tim Kurkjian would say while his voice squeaked.)
Bronson Arroyo – Now leads the NL with seven wins. After the game he played on his guitar his new tune, “I May Suck, But My Wins Say It Ain’t True.” Actually, pretty catchy.
Randy Johnson – Goes for win number 300 next week against the Nationals. After he wins that game, I imagine he’ll say something like, “I could’ve won 500 games if they were all this easy.”
Jesse Chavez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Somebody got burned yesterday chasing Saves. A’la Nelson Muntz, ha ha!
Joe Nelson – 2 IP, 4 ER. See 1/8 of an inch above.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, and a steal. Even if you just own him while Reyes gets better, it’s something, no?
Ben Francisco – 3-for-5 with a homer. He’s 8-for-9 with 5 homers against Andy Sonnanstine. Maybe he can get glasses made that superimpose Sonnanstine’s jersey on every pitcher.
Russell Branyan – Hit his 11th homer yesterday. In the offseason of 2010, you’ll be looking at first basemen and you’ll think you should draft Branyan because he had 30 homers in 2009. No, you shouldn’t. But you can own him this year.
Adam Kennedy – 0-for-8 in the last two days. He was hot for about a week, then he remembered who he was. So my question is, who told my Reyes fill-in that he’s just Adam Kennedy? I had a good thing going, man!
Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-5, Just doing a friendly check-in on our favorite April 7th pickup.
Dan Uggla – HR yesterday and 5 homers in the last 10 games. Not hitting for much average, but you didn’t expect him to do that anyway.
David Ortiz – Hit sixth again. You know what’s been under reported in all of this? Who’s now hitting third… J.D. Drew. Zoinks!
Khalil Greene – It’s been a bad year for the Silent H’s as Khalil heads to the DL with anxiety disorder. If there’s a bright side to this sad, sad story, maybe the anxiety will cause his ugly-ass hair to fall out.