The H is O! Oh, no, Jose Fernandez has me so jazzed, I need to bust some rhymes. I came in the door, I said it before. I never let a top starter magnetize me no more, but watching Fernandez yesterday is biting me, fighting me, inviting me to want a number one starter just this one time. I can’t hold it back, I’m looking at his pitching line — 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14Ks. Taking off my coat, and that’s me quoting Rakim’s quote, his pitches were kicking it until his last hitter, Ryan Doumit. My mind remains refined, all kinds of ideas. Self-esteem makes it seem like his pitching took years to build, but his age is just twenty-one. Prepared, never scared, he’s just a blessed one. And you know that I’ve never seen that terrible movie with Jamie Foxx, think it was called The Soloist, so Jose F. make ’em clap to this. I said it the other day, but in case you weren’t reading, Fernandez is going to be the best pitcher going into next year. Thought he was a donut, you tried to glaze him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ivan Nova – Headed for Tommy John surgery. “But where is Tommy John?” says Barbara Walters turning to the camera, as she opens tonight’s 20/20. Show clips of Tommy John working at a Chi-Chi’s, smoking a cigarette by the back employee entrance, opening an envelope with a check for a nickel. Tommy says to the camera, “Why not just give me the stamp? It’s worth more.”
Vidal Nuno – Was named the Yankees 5th starter after the flame out of Nova. Or as Mork would say, Nuno-Nuno. He was sparkling in Triple-A last year (10+ K-rate, less than 1 BB/9), but it was in 25 IP, and that’s hardly representative of anything. He looks like a high-6 K-rate, under-3 BB/9, which is just about any major league pitcher. Definitely worth an AL-Only league pick up, but is a streamer in mixed leagues.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. If this were the 1980’s, the Yankees would’ve already brought in a musical act to record a song in his honor and named a candy bar after him. Someone get The Refreshments on the line, “Masahiro’s no quarterback, he’s not a fireman, but still he can have any girl in Japan!” Then get Pocky on the phone, we want his face on the box cover! Do I have to hypothetically run Yankees PR from my living room?!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Zombino, take the Pocky box out of your mouth. That’s not Masahiro’s head, that’s cardboard.
Derek Jeter – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .298. He’s still got it! Jeter punches the wall like Fonzie and two 50-year-old Cougars get on his motorcycle.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. “Before every at-bat, I like to sneak into the clubhouse tunnel and have a Chesterfield.” That’s Napoli doing a commercial.
Danny Salazar – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. When I don’t give the whole pitching line it means the guy didn’t deserve it from his performance. That could be said of Salazar’s entire year. In deeper leagues, you have to wait around for the eventual Disgraceful List trip, but in shallower leagues, you could find about 30 starters that are better right now.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 1 run and a steal, his third. Oh, don’t even tell me you’re going to steal now too? Cause then we’re gonna be BFFs and I’m going to buy us friendship bracelets where half the heart has my name and the other half has yours and then we’ll be friends forever!
Carlos Santana – 0-for-4, lowering his average to .136. The Mendoza Line farts in his general direction.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I probably didn’t give enough props to him in the preseason, but who is he, Carrot Top? He needs props?
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Mostsuckass! I’m currently rocking him on my RCL team as I await Middlebrooks’s return and I’m praying like a Buddha that Mostsuckass makes it a difficult decision on who to drop when Middlebrooks returns.
Eric Hosmer – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .311, which is raycess; I don’t care what Snopes says.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal, hitting .317. Are you waiting until someone else picks him up? Are you afraid of success? Do you call your mom, ‘boo?’ Okay, that last one is just weird.
Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Skaggs is one of those pitchers I’d be looking at in shallower leagues. He’s owned in 17% of ESPN leagues, that should be at least at 80% cause Skaggs is the Gangster of Love.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers, his 499th and 500th. Member when that meant something? Wake me when he has 500 homers in a season! If I would’ve ranked Pujols higher in the preseason, you would’ve had me committed. And like any crazy person who is actually crazy like a fox, now the NSA is monitoring me to see if I have true psychic powers.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4, 1 run and a steal. Yesterday, I pointed out he wouldn’t hit .209 for long. Now he’s hitting .225. Yup.
Doug Fister – Threw a successful three inning simulated game. He did it from his living room with dots on his body after painting his room green. James Cameron filmed it. Was pretty good. Three and half stars.
Adam LaRoche – Didn’t start yesterday due to a sore quad. Matt Williams mumbled under his breath that this would make it harder to justify putting Bryce Harper at the bottom of the lineup, but he managed to pull it off.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .347. I lose my corner man (Zimmerman!) and Colabello is Chris the Redeemer.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. I apologize profusely, but I say profusely like I’m Mean Gene Okerlund, for not telling you to pick him up to replace Miller. Dozier will get cold at some point, but just own him and ask questions later.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Member the other day I said he was a hot schmotato? Yup.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .347. Hasn’t hit for much power this year (2 HRs), but Joe Maddon has batted him primarily in the three hole and the seven hole. Only Maddon would alternate his three hole hitter with the seven hole. Unlike Matt Williams, Maddon is too smart for his own good. I’m surprised he doesn’t just forfeit games where he doesn’t like the matchups.
David Price – 9 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. It’s like a retailers’ dream day, Sale goes down and it’s a good day for Price.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Pirates pitching coach, Ray Searage is definitely being monitored by the NSA. Edward Snowden was last seen in Searage’s midst — he was in his midst! Yes, you should pick up Edinson. Yes, even in your league. Mothereffin’ Helen Keller can see Searage is a miracle worker!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Two more before May!
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 8th steal. Billy, are you okay? Are you okay, Billy? Billy looks okay.
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. And Cueto makes an excellent house guest if you murder your wife!
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. I don’t care if he hits 81 homers and they’re all at home. Actually, I welcome that.
Matt Wieters – Day-to-day with forearm soreness. How about we just portmanteau that to sorearm and save Grey some keystrokes? Thanks, world!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Frequent commenter, Moronymous Lohse said this yesterday, “(Edwin) has averaged 517 ABs over the last three years. In his last 207 ABs (including last year), he has 51 hits for a .246 AVG with 7 HRs. 207 ABs is 40% of a season’s worth of his average 517 ABs. The good news is he also sucked most of last April. By the 21st, he was hitting just .197 with 2 HRs, 8 RBIs and 7 Runs scored. It was April 22nd – tonight – where he turned it around. He went on to hit 7 homers over the next eight days. See if history repeats.” And that’s me quoting Moronymous Lohse!
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Let’s not drop the five posts prior to hype until he’s hitting above .150.
Steve Lombardozzi – 3-for-4, 1 run. He won’t have an everyday job for long, but he has gone 5 for his last 8 and has a novelty trophy in his john that he calls his Lombardozzi Trophy.
Shin-Soo Choo – Underwent an MRI on his ankle. Was kinda cool, when Choo went through the MRI machine, little smokestacks came out the top. Any the hoo! His MRI came back clean.
Ben Revere – 4-for-5, 1 run and his 6th steal. So this is the year he finally figures out what SAGNOF meant.
Collin McHugh – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks. Oh. Wait a minute, what?! How many times did he get to face Brad Miller? I thought Collin McHugh was a Merchant-Ivory repertory player. McHugh has floated around the minors, putting up solid numbers, only to get the mallet dropped on his watermelon Gallagher-style when he’s reached the majors. He could be anywhere from a 9+ K-rate to a 5+, a 1+ BB/9 to a 3+ or a 2+ ERA to a 8 + ERA. If he falters again, McHugh’s you snooze. If he breaks out, McHugh’s you lose.
Chris Carter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Kinda guy that could go on a tear and hit seven homers in a week. Definitely would look at him if he was dropped in your league.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. All he does is hit homers! No, really, that’s it.
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Asstros. Put that through my Pitching Line Against Any Team But The Astros Translator and it comes out to 4 IP, 5 ER.
Oscar Taveras – Day-to-day after rolling his ankle. For the amount of injuries this guy deals with, Taveras might want to consider bumping up to a PPO.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, but left after 79 pitches, hyperextending his knee, but was seen later on laughing with teammates. Not his fantasy teammates, because his fantasy teammates would’ve told him to get the hell back on the field and pitch. I bet he was laughing it up with that nogoodnik, Peter Bourjos. Bourjos!
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’d drink to that!
Andrew Romine – 1-for-3 and a run. He looks like the go-to shortstop now in Motown. Not the greatest for hits, but his steals could be Supremes.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 11th and 12th steals, but left the game after taking a knee to the noggin on a steal. Doode slides into a popcorn kernel the wrong way and he might get a concussion, so hopefully he’s okay. That’s if you have him. If you don’t, pray for a concussion, you sick bastard!
Adam Eaton – Aiming to return on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today. You snuck up on me!
Dayan Viciedo – 4-for-4. Well, I told you to pick him up the other day, but now Eaton’s due back, so Viciedo or De Aza are gonna get benched. De Aza deserves the benching (hitting .156), but I’m not sure which way Robin Ventura will go. Oh, who are we kidding, Ventura doesn’t even know.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.60. I have a feeling — fill up my cup; mazel tov! — Ugh, now that stupid song is in my head. Sorry, I have a feeling that Hammel is going to one of those pitchers that isn’t really owned all year, but puts together a respectable season. If nothing else, he’ll be a great NL-Only pitcher and a streamer in mixed leagues.
Mike Olt – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s too bad he looks like the hitting equivalent of a LOOGY. We should have a glossary term for this. Guys that only hit lefties. Please suggest in the comments.
Mark Trumbo – On Monday, he hit 7th and a homer. Yesterday, he was on the bench. I am not pumping my fist in jubilation, Kirk Gibson. No, I am not.
Chris Denorfia – 3-for-5 and his 4th steal. It’s so hard to tell you to pick up a Padre hitter, but Denorfia is making it hard to not tell you to pick him up. Twisted logic points!
Chase Headley – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Maybe he could whisper in Gyorko’s ear that the season has started.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-6, and a slam & legs. Rickie Weeks who?! The player that was the Brewers 2nd baseman until Scooter. I was being facetious, Random Italicized Voice. Facetious? Is she married to William H. Macy?