I have a team building exercise for the Mets. Get Kevin Mitchell on the horn. He has at least five baby mamas that are flight attendants. Scrounge up the plane Lenny Dykstra owned for a minute before filing for bankruptcy. You’re going to Hawaii. All you need to do is recover the tiki doll that was lost in Maui and return it to the grave of Vincent Price. Otherwise, your team will remain cursed forever. What a terrible blow to Matt Harvey keeper owners. And not what terrible blow, as was heard around the Mets clubhouse in the 80′s. Harvey’s done for at least 15 months if he needs Tommy John surgery, and that’s what it sounds like, while Tommy John Surgery sounds like, “I don’t want to rob the world of greatness, yet I do. Repeatedly.” Poor Tommy John Surgery. No one wins here! In redraft leagues, you can obviously drop Harvey. His innings count came slightly earlier than expected. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jeremy Hefner – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. Sounds like someone got a two for one coupon.
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Here’s the bright spot for Met fans. Of course, the down side is this time next year Wheeler will need reconstructive surgery too. Hopefully, Gee does too so they can get the combo pack again. You want fries with your torn UCL?
Jeremy Hellickson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, raising his ERA to 5.21. Somehow, some way, someone will turn this isn’t a positive for owning Hellickson.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. If there’s fantasy baseball in the after life, Perez’s abuelita still owns Jason Castro, but she had a tinge of regret for not owning her little pupusa.
Billy Butler – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Butler’s homer was part of the invasive advertising campaign for The Butler. Damn, I get it, Oprah’s movie is in theaters.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 and his 25th steal and his 7th steal in the last ten games. The King of SAGNOF, Rajai, really should be on the Royals. They let their guys run like crazy. It’s a royal SAGNOF jamboree over there in KC.
Carlos Gonzalez – Took 30 swings in the cage yesterday. If he had another dollar in quarters, he would’ve taken another ten.
Troy Tulowitzki – Out again with a sore side. Not much information to report. Rockies are keeping it oblique.
Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Yeah, it was in Coors, but it was against the Ain’ts. Six of one, half dozen of you fill in the rest of the cliche, you’re not the boss of me.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs. According to his percentage owned, I’m the only one holding out hope for something from him. He’s home for the next week and a half, so if I’ve held on this long, I’m not going anywhere now. Bring me home some Cinnabons, Arenado, it’s just you and me!
Dexter Fowler – Left yesterday’s game with a lateral knee bruise. Sounds geometric.
Bartolo Colon – Could return on Thursday to face the Tigers. The A’s said his groin was on track. Ew! TMI!
A.J. Griffin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Tigers. It’s gonna be a long week for the A’s pitchers, and that’s no comment on Bartolo’s groin.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer in the last five games. Watch out for a grease fire, because Crisp is smoking hot.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Anibal was probably flustered when she heard Bartolo’s groin was returning. Can I just do a whole roundup on Bartolo’s groin? Don’t challenge me.
Victor Martinez – 4-for-5 with his 11th homer, raising his average to .289. When you look up ‘professional hitter’ in the dictionary, you don’t find anything, because it’s not in there, but if it were, you’d see V-Mart. I bet he can do 12-15 homers, .280-ish average until he’s in his 40′s. Edgar Martinez called and said good luck with Cooperstown.
Omar Infante – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 7th homer. He’s been hitting near .400 in the last week with not much else. He’s fine for some empty average, but I wouldn’t expect a whole lot more.
Tyler Lyons – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. There was some confusion the other day on this site about whether or not Carlos Martinez would take over the vacated Cardinals rotation spot. Lyons did. Martinez entered this game in relief and gave up a run. Martinez’s ERA now sits at 6.00. What I didn’t understand in the confusion was why everyone needed C-Mart to be in the rotation. He will be good at some point, but he hasn’t been good yet. You don’t need a pitcher on your staff in most redraft leagues figuring it out. Tyler Lyons is just as good as Martinez for this year, which is to say he probably won’t be great.
Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. He now has 95 RBIs, which is 2nd in the NL and thirty-five less than Miguel Cabrera (who hit his 43rd homer last night). Seriously. I had to look at that twice. Jesus, Miggy is a beast.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. I really hope he gets to 25 homers this year just so he bamboozles someone else into drafting him. He’s about as boring as an Amish stripper. “Yo, she’s got a butter face! No, really, she was churning all day.”
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run and 3 RBIs, hitting over .300 with a homer in the last week. He doesn’t get hot as much as hits well in one game then takes three games off then hits well again, so it’s hard to call him a hot schmotato, but there might be something here.
Leonys Martin – Was out for the 2nd straight day with a sprained ankle. He could be back for today. You ever want to call him Leonys Arrondissemartin? No? Okay, that’s just me then.
A.J. Pierzynski – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, which is yet another homer on a short schedule day. A good Razz-soldier reminded me yesterday to pick him up for the short schedule day. So, what did I do? I’m an idiot. Excuse me now while I go drink cyanide.
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th homer. I picked him up for the batty call, but dropped him for…Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe Tony Campana. (Yay, Tony Campana!) I was a little surprised Dominguez was even available, then again I dropped him too.
Jason Castro – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Castro makes me twerk with a foam finger. Now the 7th ranked catcher on the year on our Player Rater, and with Mauer out and Napoli sucking on the suckhole, Castro could easily end up in the top five. How you like dem apples? Delicious!
Jordan Lyles – Got the save yesterday after starting a game on Friday. Bo Porter takes what you know about bullpen managing, ties it into a pretzel, sprinkles it with absurdity and calls it a closer.
Tony Campana – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal. Looks like he’s got his special SAGNOF underpants back! I grabbed him for a short schedule day, was rewarded and now I can’t drop him ever. He’s my crack! Wait, I’m his crack which his SAGNOF underpants cover? No, that’s not right either. My crack shows without his SAGNOF underpants? Oh, I don’t know, but I grabbed him for steals.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd steal in as many games while he hits above .300 in the last week. Aw, sook-balls, he’s running and hitting. I told you he was a preseason sleeper (and did nothing for five months, but will be a sleeper again for next year).
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Yay, awesome, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. It was against the Padres, so whatevs.
Reymond Fuentes – Was called up by the Padres to play center field (or at least platoon in center). I searched the site for Fuentes and I came back with a lot of “Oh God, why did I pick up Brian Fuentes again?” lamentations (Possibly Made Up Word of the Day!). Fuentes has speed (40+ steals over a season) and very light power. It’s kinda like Apple released their Maybin upgrade, iSAGNOF. I grabbed him in one league where I’m desperate for a spark of any sort. Padre hitters usually last about three to four hours on my teams so we’ll see if I even have him by tomorrow. (Note written two hours later: I’ve already dropped him.)
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Regression Fairies know Mark Harris, the widower of Martha Raye, they love musical theater and they defecate on your pitching ratios.
Will Venable – 2-for-4, 1 run and hitting near .350 in the last week and four homers in the last ten days with two steals. It’s a special ten days when he’s hitting well for, uh, ten days. Stop fiddle-faddling with the noise makers and pick him up.
Aaron Harang – Designated for assignment. He should try to pitch again for the Padres. They have a world class zoo there in San Diego and I’m sure they’d love to have an Harangutan.
Taijuan Walker – True story: my remote control was made in Taijuan. He could be called up to fill-in Harang’s spot. It could be roofie burnout, but I’m not interested in shallower mixed leagues. In deeper leagues, I’d stash him to see if you catch a firefly in a bottle, or whatever that yokelism is. He definitely has shown great stuff in the minors (10+ K-rate) if a bit wild (4+ BB/9) in Triple-A. He will be a great pitcher, it probably won’t be this year. Think Wheeler when he was called up.
Domonic Brown – Out again yesterday with a sore heel. Let’s hope he doesn’t go to a stuttering foot doctor. The confusion of ‘heal heel’ could bleed into September and I need him back.
Cody Asche – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting north of .350 in the last week. Kinda want him to go ice cold for a month, so he comes real cheap next year, but have a feeling he will come cheap anyway. He hasn’t shown much power or speed, but he’s hit in 9 of his last ten games and is definitely swinging a hot bat. Don’t worry, I’ll mention him again tomorrow.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Adverb modified the Mets-imistic fans in Citi after the Harvey news. One Mets fan was so despondent he gave Doc Gooden the keys to his car to drive him home.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer. He’s cooled since he came up, but I’m glad Puig hasn’t gone completely cold. That could lead to trichinosis.
Josh Johnson – Shut down for two weeks. The Comatose Blue Jays fan just hopes Johnson is ready for the playoffs.
Colby Rasmus – Had a minor setback with his oblique. So his outlook is obliquer.
R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m blushing since this game was Yanks and Dickey. Lucky no one went blind.
Derek Jeter – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL. The first 5,000 women in attendance for yesterday’s game received a gift basket.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4 as he hit his 650th homer. Not this year, who is he, Chris Davis? With his 650th homer, A-Rod moved within 50-something of some other guy who took a lot of steroids, and moved past someone else who shot junk into their ass.