The title of this post was nearly, “F*ck Luis Cruz.” If that guy gets in the way of my last round draft pick of Dee Gordon, I’m gonna be none too happy! Or is that “I’m gonna be some unhappy?” While Hanley Ramirez is out with a thumb injury, I want Dee Gordon to play for a month and for the Dodgers to say they won’t play Luis Cruz. I homophoned you! If anyone out there drafted Hanley already, I want to see your faces. Push them against your computer monitors or your handheld mobile devices. You are traitors to Razzball. I said specifically — or pacifically if you’re on a boat off the coast of California — not to draft Hanley. Word for word, “I’m done with Hanley until we see a return to his previous glory.” I didn’t even bury the lede. That’s the first freakin’ sentence of my Hanley blurb on the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball. I hope Hanley’s out for 3 months, returns to hit 7 homers with 12 steals and someone drafts him in the 3rd round of 2014, too. Know why? Because no matter how many times I tell people to ignore position scarcity, they don’t listen. You need to jam a cotton swab in your noggin like Lena Dunham and clean out your wax. (BTW, season two of Girls — meandering, pointless, adjective. Biggest drop in quality from season one to season two for a TV show since Heroes.) The Dodgers are saying Hanley could be out anywhere from two weeks to ten weeks. If you drafted him, you don’t read this so I’m talking to all the people who didn’t draft him. Send an email to the Hanley drafters. Subject: Trade Offer. Body of email: Any interest in trading for Yunel Escobar? I’ll take Paul Goldschmidt. Click send. Now unfriend them on Facebook. Done. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Zack Greinke – Booya, snitches! Greinke threw four scoreless yesterday without any….wait for it…here it comes….shoot, I left it in my other pants….here it is…without any PAIN! He should be good to go to start the year in the rotation. That news comes a day after I drafted him 68th overall. To the bold go the spoils is a cliché I just made up. I’m the bold in this instance. Greinke’s the spoils. Damn, I quit smoking cigarettes about nine months ago, but I feel like I just took a pull off a Newport and started coughing up blood — I’m alive with pleasure! Now we just need Greinke to get through 33 regular season starts and 240 innings. dwqnjosfdncxy– Okay, will cross my fingers when I’m done with this post.
Ryan Madson – Has had discomfort in his surgically-repaired elbow. Since we’re in late-March, it’s too close for discomfort, Jm J. Bullock. Madson’s currently limited to long tossing, which is great if he’s training for the Olympic hammer throw. Since he’s not, I’d file this under, “Frieri is gonna close until at least mid-May and maybe for the better part of the season,” which is filed right before, “Frieri is gonna close until at least mid-May and maybe for the full season.” You can imagine what a pain it is finding file tabs long enough to write on.
Tommy Hanson – Was lifted early from his start due to his right triceps. He said he’s fine, I say he’s about to pop his 2013 DL cherry. He’s just another guy you shouldn’t have drafted in any league. If you did, then Mmmcrap.
Albert Pujols – Dealing with plantar fasciitis on his left foot. If it were both feet, it would be plantar fasciitii. This shouldn’t be an issue going forward.
Chone Figgins – The “League Minimum” Marlins cut Figgy. This could be the end of the road for Figgins… But the start of a whole new road: getting Arte Moreno to finance a starring role for him in a remake of Cop and a Half.
Emilio Bonifacio – Blue Jays said earlier this week that he might share playing time with Maicer Izturis. Honestly, I didn’t even want to write about this because it’s total nonsense. Izturis might see 150 ABs, if Bonifacio stays healthy. I’d still draft Bonifacio as a late round flyer for MI.
John McDonald – Pirates acquired him from the Diamondbacks. The Diamondbacks tried to give them Tyler Skaggs too, but the Pirates refused. The talks on the McDonald trade started in December, but it took forever for two poorly run franchises to come together. “No, you take our top pitching prospect!” “No, you take OURS!”
Chien-Ming Wang – Threw yesterday for Yankee scouts. They had him throw from between second and third base.
J.D. Martinez – Could platoon in right with Ankiel. Fernando Martinez is also in the mix. If Bo Porter goes with J.D. and Fernando Martinez, it’ll make it easier to fill out the lineup card. That is the only upside for anyone here.
Billy Hamilton – Headed to the minors. There he’ll work on converting to a center fielder and Judaism. First thing, changing name to Billy Brisketon.
Scott Baker – Has been shut down from throwing. Baker said he couldn’t raise his arm with yeast. Doh.
Brett Lawrie – Played catch for the first time since his rib cage injury. Without any setbacks, he should be fine for the start of the season. If he continues to play like a five-month-old puppy that just drank six Red Bulls, he’ll have a setback.
Pablo Sandoval – Says he’ll be ready for Opening Day. Better be, otherwise they’ll just be the San Francisco Medium-Sized People.
David Ortiz – Will start the season on the DL, but took some swings the other day and said he felt good. His heels rolled their eyes, saying, “Because you don’t have to carry around you.”
Al Alburquerque – The Tigers are either going to bring back Jose Valverde or go with Al Alburquerque. You know where Al Alburquerque is from, right? Santa K, from the great state of New Mexiclosero! Al Al’etc is a great late-game flyer in all leagues. If I had to guess one closer that could come out of nowhere to become a $12 Salad, Al Al’etc is my guess. Go to your waivers and get him now. Seriously, this will be here later. Go now!
Mike Zunino – The Mariners sent down their top catching prospect a week after Danny Hultzen and Taijuan Walker. In related news, the Mariners are now the underdogs for their last scheduled Spring Training game vs. their minor league team.
Ryan Braun – As I was drafting the other day, I saw him listed in ESPN as Ryan Braun, MI LF. Forget the Hebrew Hammer nickname; he’s now The MILF.