That title is lifted from Jimmy Dickens’ A Tale of Three Cities, the younger brother’s blatant ripoff of the classic novel. For what Jimmy Dickens lacked in originality, he made up with his ability to avoid cholera and scurvy. His brother, Charles, used to say it was because Jimmy was the rat spreading the dreaded disease. Then Jimmy would say “dreaded disease,” are you saying it’s from Jamaica? Then Charles would stop talking to Jimmy for a few years and Jimmy would say, “I’m just re-imagining your stuff, you don’t have to get all pissy.” As you see Jimmy was a trailblazer for Hollywood producers. So what does this have to do with Ike Davis? Good question! The title lifted from Jimmy Dickens could easily apply to Davis’s season. Yesterday, he hit two homers and collected 5 RBIs to bring his homer total to 30 with 88 RBIs. Since the ASB, he’s been exactly what he should’ve been in the 1st half if David Wright wasn’t using up all the good balls batted into play luck. Ike is around a .255 hitter with 30 homer power. Right now, his season stats look exactly as they should minus the average. For 2013, Ike could easily hit .280 as easily as he hit .200 for the 1st half this season, and I bet he’s gonna be a steal in drafts. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jenrry Mejia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Mets loved his arm, then put him in the bullpen, then into the rotation, then into the bullpen, then an injury… Basically, the Mets seem to be taking the Joba route with him. So far, similar results. He used to have a high ceiling, but then was derailed by Tommy John. Not the person. The surgery. He gets the Braves next time out and they should’ve clinched by then so it could be tasty.
Carlos Gonzalez – Heading for an MRI on his hamstring. That’s not all! Actually, it might be for him for this season.
Dexter Fowler – Out with tendinitis in his wrist. Sounds like he failed the *pinkie to mouth* dexterity test.
Luke Hochevar – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks to raise his ERA to 5.43. Once again, he’s saving you the embarrassment of trying to pronounce his name at next year’s draft.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 and a homer. His runs are good this year (86), his average is good (.291), his steals are okay (10), so how can Gordon maintain his special brand of yawnstipating? Yesterday, he hit his 12th homer and collected his 68th RBI. Meh called and said it would like to have Gordon’s stats over for dinner because they have so much in common.
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.72. He’s done more than his part this year, but I still stand by my overrated post in the preseason, which was more about how you should not draft a pitcher in the 1st or 2nd round than it was about Verlander. In our RCL Expert league that I’ve been a dying duck in all year, my pitching is 57 out of a possible 60 points. As I’ve said many times before, you don’t need a pitcher from the first tier of starters.
Andy Dirks – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and hitting near .350 over the last week. Just keep in mind that Leyland benches him from time to time (mostly vs. lefties).
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. J-Z still coming strong even if the rest of this Cruel Summer has been uneven. (I’m being generous with ‘uneven’ too. I still need to give it another 75 listens, but I think this might be the first time I’m disappointed with Kanye, but it did take me 18 months before I started liking My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and it ended up being my favorite album of his, so there’s still time.)
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the biggest boost one Zimmerman has given to another Zimmerman since Bob Dylan told record company execs about his son and gave them a wink-wink-nudge. Actually, Elias didn’t say that. But this was heard recently at their compound in Dearborn, Michigan, “In Accounting, Yitz has told everyone that he’s going to miss Wednesday for Yom Kippur, then he sent out a Facebook invite for paintball on Wednesday. This is the third year in a row he’s pulled this crap, which is a new record.”
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals, his 15th and 16th. That’s with his 19 homers and a .258 average. He’s obviously been no Trout. He hasn’t even been a Salmon or Bass, but at 19 years old Harper’s long-term prospects still have me excited. He could be a 30+ homers, 20+ steals, .300+ guy within two years and hold that for twelve years. If those numbers look familiar, it’s what we grown accustomed to from Braun, you know the number one overall pick.
Marco Estrada – 4 IP, 6 ER. On the bright side, you can drop Estrada and say, “Let the ChiPs fall where they may.”
Nate McLouth – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1 homer and 1 steal in yesterday’s doubleheader for the Ernie Banks slam & legs. You should’ve picked up McLouth two weeks ago when I told you to, but it’s not too late; he’s found the Fountain of McLouth.
Adam Jones – In the doubleheader, he went 6-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with a slam (32) and legs (15) in the 1st half of the doubleheader. He trailed off a bit in the middle of the season, but he’s been making it rain again in September with 3 homers in the last five games.
Anthony Gose – 1-for-7, 1 RBI yesterday. Not sure why I keep picking him up for doubleheaders. Oh, well, at least I didn’t get a Gose egg.
J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer. A cheeba cheeba, y’all, well, I used to own Arencibia. A cheeba cheeba, y’all, well, I didn’t get this big day cause I no longer own Arencibia.
David Freese – Left yesterday’s game with a right ankle injury after rolling it. That’s why Lincecum always uses a bong.
Pete Kozma – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s not great in the longterm, but he’s looking downright Plouffe-ish right now.
Aaron Hill – Was scratched from Monday’s contest with an undisclosed illness. I used to use that one all the time in college. Sounds like Hill has a hungover from too many Jungle Juices and needs an extra day to finish up his paper on Humanities and Western Civ. I’m guessing here.
Manny Ramirez – Expected to play winter ball. They should call that snow ball. The Aguilas Cibaenas of the Dominican Winter League are the ones giving Manny another chance. A representative from the Aguilas Cibaenas said, “Estamos muy emocionados de tener Manny en nuestro equipo. Contratamos a webmaster de Melky nos diseñar una nueva página de equipo.”
Heath Bell – Told a Miami radio station that he doesn’t respect Ozzie. So if this is an SAT question: Ozzie respects Fidel Castro, Bell doesn’t respect Ozzie, so Heath Bell doesn’t respect Fidel. Good for you, Heath!
Matt Capps – Returned from the DL, but he may not get any save chances because of the job Perkins has done. If you’re rolling with Capps, you just got snake eyes.
Josh Willingham – Is day-to-day with a shoulder strain. So he may be willing, but he’s just Notableham.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-3 with his 43rd homer. Turns out Hamilton didn’t have anything wrong with him. He had ocular keratitis, which is an eye issue caused by too much caffeine and energy drinks. He finally found something worse for his eyes than the sun. Good thing Vodka & Red Bull wasn’t around when Ol’ Blue Eyes played Vegas.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer. You don’t have to play the games, just give the stunning, five game defeat in the World Series to the Rangers now.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 with his 40th homer. Now has back-to-back 40 homer seasons. The only other Yankees to do that are Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle and Jason Giambi. The list of who’s done the 40-40 thing grows if you include all residents of the Bronx and loosen the definition of 40.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, and a homer. Now 7 for his last 12 with three homers. It’s not pretty, but this time of year it never is. Just grab who’s hot.
Eric Chavez – 3-for-4 with his 14th homer. See what I said about Ibanez, but change “not pretty” to ugly and “hot” to “hey, at least he homered yesterday.”
Adam Dunn – 2-for-4 and 2 homers, his 40th and 41st, while he plated four, which is different than his usual “a plate for four.”
Tyson Ross – Gave up the game yesterday in the ninth. His record is now 2-11. He has a little more than 15 percent of the A’s losses in only 73 1/3 IP. It’s like the rest of the AL is Buster Douglas.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 8th homer. I wonder what my teams would’ve been like if Josh Donaldson was never born. *wavy dream sequence lines* Hey, Grey, this is Clarence, your angel. If Josh Donaldson was never born, your teams would still be hurting for offense since you don’t own him.
Coco Crisp - Still out of the lineup with pink eye. Which comes from drinking energy drinks that are being stored in the ice in a urinal.