There’s a new love of my life. No, it’s not the Georgia girl on MasterChef, though she’s all right. His name is [player]Danny Salazar[/player], and he’s a sexy beast that makes me want to get all flirty and shizz. I call him K-zar. It’s pronounced like czar, so it’s a soft K like his touch, but that’s where the softness ends. He was regularly hitting 99 MPH on the speed gun-measuring-MPH-thingie and even topped out at triple digits. Swoon. He made the Tigers looks like the Mariners until Miggy got a hold of one on his last pitch of the game — 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Doesn’t matter, he gets the Twins next then the A’s in Oakland. I know, what about [player]Corey Kluber[/player]? Who’s going to sell energy drinks and tell all the ravey Asian kids where the after-hours party is without Kluber?! Sigh, I know. We’re over him now. He’s going to be out until late-September and Salazar is taking his place in the rotation. I want Salazar in every single league. Yeah, that one. Yup, that one too. Go to it, young prematurely balding man! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
[player]Shelby Miller[/player] – Removed from the game after two pitches because he took a Carl Crawford liner off his pitching elbow. Something needs to be done about all of these pitchers being hit. Can guys throw in suits of armor? Yes? Good! The Cards are saying it’s a bruise, but I imagine he’ll miss at least a start.
[player]Carlos Martinez[/player] – Since tomorrow’s scheduled starter, Westbrook, relieved Miller (and got mollywhopped), someone needs to take Westbrook’s rotation spot and then possibly Miller’s. Enter stage right… Could someone please open the door on the right side of the stage?! Like I was saying, enter stage right… Carlos Martinez. First, here’s Prospect Scott’s take, “A devastating fastball-curve-change arsenal has Martinez projecting like a front-line starter. The 21-year-old was outstanding in 15 starts at Double-A last year, and many industry folks see greater potential with him than with Miller. He’s a bit undersized, so there are workload concerns. In any case, he’ll be a major fantasy asset as a starter once he’s peaked. Also, asset reminds me of Grey, as in he’s as illuminating as E.T.’s ass.” Hey, what’s the big idea?! I like Martinez a lot too. He battled a bit in middle relief this year (5.56 ERA in 11 1/3 IP), but he’s been about as dominant as you could hope for in Triple-A (1.76 ERA). If I had my druthers and knew what druthers were, I’d take K-zar before C-Mart, because K-zar is already performing well. If you have room for both, go for it. C-Mart could be special too.
[player]Jon Jay[/player] – 3-for-5, 1 run and hitting near-.400 in the last week. To you, me and all poli-science majors, it means The Federalist is a hot schmotato.
[player]Carl Crawford[/player] – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a steal. Well, sure, after he hit the ball everyone dove for cover.
[player]Skip Schumaker[/player] – 3-for-6, 1 run and 4 RBIs for a career day. Career Day, “Hey, don’t lessen my meaning by applying me to Skip Schumaker.”
[player]Andre Ethier[/player] – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. The Dodgers ended facing Westbrook but it turned into a donnybrook.
[player]Bobby Parnell[/player] – Received an epidural yesterday and hopes to give birth to John Buck’s baby shortly. Oh, wait. I’m mixing up my news stories. No, wait, that’s right, Parnell’s giving birth to the little Bucker. Mets also said that Parnell hopes to avoid surgery. I don’t even want to think about how a man is giving birth without surgery. Any the hoo! I thought Bob had a pain in his neck, but he went from ‘bed rest’ to ‘bedridden with the African Gong-Gong Disease’ in the matter of days. I’d absolutely stash Hawkins, and even grab Aardsma if you’re desperate; this could be a committee for the rest of the season.
[player]Jon Niese[/player] – Set to return on Sunday from a partially torn rotator cuff. That sounds promising. You don’t need Niese’s schnoz to smell some miserable starts coming from him.
[player]Lucas Duda[/player] – Was activated from the DL, then sent to the minors. Ah, the ol’ fake out. “Hey, come on back from the DL. Yeah, grab your bags too. All of your stuff.” Head fake. “You’re going to the minors!”
[player]Matt Harvey[/player] – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I speak for everyone that doesn’t own him, please shut him down already. Thank you.
[player]Wilmer Flores[/player] – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Is this the first Mets prospect hitter to get excited about since David Wright? Feels like it. Maybe they shouldn’t have had Madoff sell their farm system for Atari futures. Could see taking a flyer on Wilmer if you’re desperate for upside at corner infidel.
[player]Jordan Zimmermann[/player] – 4 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Zimmermann really hasn’t looked good since his brother’s trial. Karma works in weird ways or whoever is in charge of karma in this universe is drunk. That would explain why Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica can’t ever find a good parking spot.
[player]Kris Medlen[/player] – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Gnats, 3.85 ERA. Medlen gets the Phils and Metco next, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a 3.60 ERA in about ten days and then we’re like, “Wow, Medlen’s really come back,” then he’ll get the Cards after that and we’ll be like, “He just had two great starts and now I want to drop him again.” Ah, the fantasy baseball roller coaster, where it stops nobody knows, except me. I engineered it.
[player]Justin Upton[/player] – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. When I rank him in the top twenty again next year, here’s what I’m gonna say, “If he can do in April and August for two extra months, he’s going to win the MVP.” And that’s me quoting future me!
[player]B.J. Upton[/player] – 4-for-5. It’s a gee-dee Christmas miracle, B.J.’s actually hot. I really thought he was gonna need a female inmate make him some Santeria tea like in Orange is the New Black before he showed any signs.
[player]Jason Heyward[/player] – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Guess his neck is better. In related news, be very careful about starting any pitchers against the Braves right now. They’re off the Scoville scale.
[player]Marco Estrada[/player] – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks as he was activated from the DL. The Stream-o-Nator liked this start a lot, but one word of caution with SON. I’d be careful about guys returning from the DL. SON fawning or not. SON, “I only fawn over Joe Blanton. Respect.” With that said (here comes the reversal), SON was right on Estrada. SON, “Eat it, snitches!” I’d grab Estrada if he’s out there in your league.
[player]Donnie Murphy[/player] – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers, and three in the last two days. There’s nothing to see here with Murphy, except maybe a very short-term hot schmotato. Third base for the Cubs should be about weird tattoos, flannel and getting back to their Olt rock roots.
[player]Danny Duffy[/player] – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks in 93 pitches. Wow, he makes Carlos Marmol seem economical with his pitches. If Duffy were born a hundred years earlier, he could’ve struckout 20 guys with 290 pitches.
[player]Chris Archer[/player] – Left yesterday’s game with forearm tightness. For an Archer, you’d think it would be his ‘bow. Well, in most leagues, I’d look elsewhere. No reason to mess with a young pitcher who has arm issues.
[player]Martin Prado[/player] – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Odd, cause I Googled Prado + exciting and it produced no results.
[player]Miguel Gonzalez[/player] – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks in Petco. You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon: stream pitchers in Petco.
[player]Chris Davis[/player] – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 41st homer. This is his 4th homer since the All-Star Break as he hits under .240. He hit 4 homers in an inning some games in the first half. Mark Whiten, “No, he did not.” So, Davis has definitely cooled off, which will make it more interesting for his rankings next year. Is he the top ten guy he showed in the 1st half or the guy that can easily hit .240 with power? I smell a schmohawk post coming from February Grey. February Grey, “That’s Miracle Grow you smell. I’m building a new-and-improved Chia.”
[player]J.J. Hardy[/player] – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .258. He leads all AL shortstops in homers, which is kinda like being the tallest midget.
[player]Jedd Gyorko[/player] – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He has two homers in the last four games, which is about all he’s done since he’s returned from injury. As the Orioles announcers said, “He might be having a problem pushing off his back leg. This was brought to you by Boog’s Barbecue.”
[player]Eric Stults[/player] – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. He has a 2.37 ERA on the year at home. Can’t make that stuff up. I mean, you can, but it would be pretty easy to fact check.
[player]Adam Jones[/player] – 3-for-5, 2 runs and seven for his last nine. Goldschmidt gets a lot of love on this site from yours truly — or yours Trudy, if Rudy’s sister’s signing off — but how about the Jones love? Who ranked him about three rounds before everyone else in the preseason? Can I get a what-what?! No? Okay, we’ll work on it.
[player]Adam Lind[/player] – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer. He’s done a lot of nothing recently, so I’d take this as a one and done until he gets another, then it’s the much-less-used expression two and let’s get some maple syrup on that Canadian flapjack.
[player]Edwin Encarnacion[/player] – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 30th homer. Member for a while I had the ‘Who will get more fantasy value this year between Edwin and Jose Bautista’ thing going? Bautista will need a huge final seven weeks to get close.
[player]Humberto Quintero[/player] – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. Fun fact! Quintero gets the wrong mail for quinceaneras all the time.
[player]Brad Miller[/player] – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting near .300 in the last week. Hasn’t had much power and speed, but he looks like a solid mainstay at the top of a major league lineup. (Yes, it’s the Mariners, but still.)
[player]Kendrys Morales[/player] – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .300 on the year with 17 homers. Good thing the Angels got rid of him! I’m not being sarcastic. It really is good, otherwise The Sciosciapath would be platooning him every third day and he wouldn’t be doing anything.
[player]Wandy Rodriguez[/player] – Threw off the mound and hopes to be back in time for September. Wandy said, “When the flowers begin to die, Wandy rides again.” Wow, Wandy sounds like a German expressionist.
[player]Charlie Morton[/player] – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Every time I see “vs. the MIA Marlins” I kick myself for not picking up that starter. You should be doing the same thing. Oh, man, I didn’t say kick yourself in the groin. Medic!
[player]Christian Yelich[/player] – 2-for-4. Hasn’t done much in the way of power or speed. He is hitting near-.375 in the last week, which is way better than anyone else who looks like they’re twelve. Speaking of which, I will now call him Doogie.
[player]CC Sabathia[/player] – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. One strikeout? Oh mee gee, him and Bartolo Colon switched bodies! You can understand why no one noticed before.
[player]Alfonso Soriano[/player] – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Yanks as he returned to Chicago. He must’ve felt so wistful, Chicago was the city he spent the better part of his 50′s.
[player]Jonathan Villar[/player] – Said he will only miss two days with his sprained thumb. Less time if Hoes keeps stroking Villar’s thumb all slow and gentle.
[player]Jarred Cosart[/player] – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, 1.36 ERA, 1.27 WHIP. Intro to Fantasy Baseball 101 at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston tells you if a starter’s WHIP is anywhere near their ERA, they both better be under 1.00.
[player]Robbie Grossman[/player] – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games. See, all this time we were using the 1st definition of gross as in unattractive. We overlooked the verb to produce profit. Grab him now while he’s hitting. That is an order, guys and four girl readers!
[player]Josh Fields[/player] – 1 IP, 3 ER and his first blown save and his 2nd opportunity. Surprise, surprise, he’s garbage. I wouldn’t go near the Astros bullpen right now, and Fields couldn’t close his way out of a paper bag.
[player]Jonny Gomes[/player] – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. He gets crazy hot for about five to seven days. Grab him now!
[player]Stephen Drew[/player] – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Yes, five-oh-oh. That’s even a mystery Drew can’t figure out, but I’d let him try while on my team.
[player]Salvador Perez[/player] – He’s on the concussion DL, but was cleared yesterday to do cardio. Thank God, his mom missed their late night walks.
[player]Alcides Escobar[/player] – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Member a few days ago I said I’d watch him to see if he were getting hot? He has three straight games with at least two hits. He’s hot. Finally.
[player]Brian Dozier[/player] – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal, a day after a homer and is hitting over .300 in the last week. Between Donnie Murphy, Robbie Grossman and Brian Dozier, it’s the week the schmohawks rose up and inherited the earth. If you’re really struggling at MI, okay grab Dozier, but he is not good.
[player]Jose Valverde[/player] – Tigers released him. When he heard the news, one last time he gave his closnarl.
[player]Austin Jackson[/player] – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 8th homer to go with six steals on the year. I honestly had to look at his player page three times to make sure I was reading it right. Six steals?! Leonys had that by the 1st inning of last night’s game! How can this guy possibly have 6 steals all year? David Ortiz has 4 steals! Hey, Austin, stop keepin’ it weird and run!
[player]Michael Brantley[/player] – 3-for-5, 1 run. I mentioned the other day about how I’m gonna like him next year. I mentioned him in yesterday’s podcast. You’re thinking about how I like him way more than any rational ‘pert should. See, rational there is your mistake.
[player]Gordon Beckham[/player] – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting over .300 in the last week. Wow, it really is a great week to usually be bad at baseball.
[player]Alberto Callaspo[/player] – 2-for-2, but left yesterday’s game after a collision at the plate. He has a bruised forearm. Not as succulent as Memphis braised forearm, but it’s good enough for day-to-day.
[player]Eric Sogard[/player] – 2-for-2 as he entered for Callaspo. Sogard’s got junky power and speed, but he has hit in 13 of the last 14 games. Could be a deep league flyer for some average at your middle infidel.
[player]Bartolo Colon[/player] – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Regression Fairies own a PT Cruiser, they don’t eat gluten and they laugh at your ERA and WHIP.
[player]Josh Donaldson[/player] – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Going into yesterday, he had a .154 average in August after a .233 average in July. Yesterday was also his first home run since the break. The Buysellatops, who is always on the paleo diet, sold him about six weeks ago, did you?
[player]Jay Bruce[/player] – 1-for-4 with his 24th homer and 2nd in as many games. They call him… *karate chopping in half a cement block* Bruce!
[player]Todd Frazier[/player] – 0-for-3, 2 Ks as he was moved up to the two hole. He should be moved out of the two hole because he’s crap.
[player]Homer Bailey[/player] – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. One start he looks like Christian Bale playing Batman. The next start he looks like Christian Bale on the set of Batman beating up a production assistant for not filling his thermos with orangey-enough carrot juice. “This carrot juice color is Safety Orange. I asked for Ripe Tangelo!”
[player]Leonys Martin[/player] – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 3 steals. The Queen of SAGNOF is glowing after getting getting booty from the King of SAGNOF, Rajai. “My scepter has a string and I fish for weak pick-off moves.” You know, Jason Bourgeois is so not invited to this party.
[player]Elvis Andrus[/player] – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 steals. Damn, the speed has really come out lately in texas. I guess Ron Washington shared his stash.
[player]Mike Trout[/player] – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer on his 22nd birthday. When he hits his prime at 27 years old, he’s going to be the first person to go 100/100. You heard it here first.
[player]Roy Halladay[/player] – Headed to the Phillies spring complex. I wonder if it’s still allergy season there.
[player]Jhoulys Chacin[/player] – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Petco + Metco = Greta Van Susteren. Hmm, math’s off there. Should’ve equaled streamer’s delight.
[player]Carlos Gonzalez[/player] – Hit the DL. It’s boring to say I was right about him hitting the DL prior to him hitting his 27th homer, which I said when he was at homer number 21. Boring, I say. No one wants me to spew self-congratulatory messages to myself wrapped in cute little mustaches addressed to, “Grey Albright, King Super Fantastic.” No one wants to hear me say, “Ooh, you’re right again, Grey. How do you do it? Do you have two brains?” Yes. Yes, I do. But I’m not here to say any of that stuff. Let’s just hope for a speedy recovery for all of CarGo’s owners who didn’t listen to me when I said he’d get hurt again prior to hitting his 27th homer.