Go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, Corey, it is your birthday. We want to party like it is your birthday. *dance like a white man that has on parachute pants* We will sip Bacardi like it is your birthday. And you know we do not give an expletive it is not your birthday. I see Corey Kluber on my iPad and I want to kick him in the ass, but I still can’t make heads or tails of him. “Mr. Kluber, why do you bring anguish to my potluck dinner?” Justin Masterson had RSVP’d already with anguish! Ugh, I really don’t know what to make of Kluber. He’s hella risky and, yes, I still say hella. After his start yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks — you obviously have to own him if he’s on your waivers. The good news is his BABIP is obscenely unlucky (.353). The bad news is his velocity is down. He gets the Angels next and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it and I’d be lying if I told you I had the utmost confidence in him. In other words, own him, but it could be a rocky road without delicious marshmallows. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .238 with one homer. You think he’s ever had a teammate pull him aside and ask him, “On the fo’really, what the hell were you on when you hit all those homers in 2011?”
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you don’t need to wait around for that shizz if you need some sweet, sweet SAGNOF!
Erasmo Ramirez – Sent to High-A, which got Erasmo excited because he loves betting on the ponies, but when the Mariners re-pronounced where he was headed, he realized he wasn’t going to Hialeah Park. Brandon Maurer will take his rotation spot for the time being with Hisashi’s dashi just about ready to uslurp it.
Brandon Kintzler – Activated from the DL. Kintzler? I hardly knew her! Huh? Kintzler had a strain in his rotator cuff, so I wouldn’t touch him until he shows something. Said like Valerie Cherish, I didn’t need to see that!
Shin-Soo Choo – Rangers are hopeful that Choo can avoid the DL. How sweet, they’re hopeful. Is medicine now outlawed in Texas?
Michael Pineda – Suspended for 10 days for what he deemed was “doodie on the neck” and the “clubhouse guy should be locked up for not restocking our TP. What is this Slumdog Millionaire?”
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. At one point, the umpires came out because a foreign substance was coming out of CC’s shirt, but he explained it was just his Weight Watchers 3-Point Trail Mix Bar.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. He’s cooled off a bit since his torrid start, but has still been doing enough to warrant a corner man flyer in most leagues.
Brian Roberts – 2-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI and a steal, while in front of him in the lineup was Brett Gardner who went 0-for-3 with four runs and 2 steals. It’s still fair to say when two guys have eight runs and only six legit times on base (with 4 walks), it wasn’t the Sawx’s greatest hour when it came to defense. Pahk yah cah in Hahvahd Yahd and get yah fahkin’ mitt on the grahnd!
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3 and a solo homer. When a team scores 14 runs, it’s almost like a solo homer is a ticker tease.
Felix Doubront – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. I don’t blame Felix, I blame the coaches who haven’t told him he’s no longer working middle relief.
Shane Victorino – 1-for-5, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. I don’t have high hopes Victorino stays on the field, which is ironic since he’s The Flyin’ Hawaiian.
Chase Headley – Left the game with a calf injury, the same thing that sidelined him for a month in March. He looked frustrated coming off the field. Now he knows how his fantasy owners feel.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-5, 1 run. Not exactly The Grande Dolor, but he has been hitting over .400 in the last week.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd steal in as many games. Thankfully, the game only need to go 12 innings before Gyorko got his first hit. Maybe today we can get one in the first nine innings.
Seth Smith – Left with a groin strain. That thucks!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fun fact! The extra N in his name stands for Nacogdoches. You understand why he abbreviated it to n.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd homer. No need to ask, just pick him up. You have my seal of approval. That seal is mustache wax.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-6 and his 4th homer. All those childhood years trying to hit an eephus pitch in the backyard is paying off!
Joe Smith – The LA Times suggested that Captain Joe Smith would take over the Angels closer role. Yeah, no kidding. By the way, that’s the real LA Times, not the Orange County paper that changed its name to the Not Actually Los Angeles But Pretty Damn Close Times.
A.J. Griffin – Will get a second opinion on his elbow. This is like when my grandfather got a second opinion on his blood pressure, four years after he had a stroke. Griffin, your elbow’s been hurting for two months. Now, you get a 2nd opinion?
Jim Johnson – The A’s manager Melvin said Johnson could see some saves again. Too bad the A’s manager’s name isn’t Melville, then he could call Johnson Moby Dick.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. I wonder if Donaldson’s son plays with Johnson’s son and if it’s at all confusing.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-5, but left early aggravating his heel injury. He cursed in Spanish at his “bottom foot area” and the heel got aggravated he didn’t know its name. He wasn’t limping when he left, so prolly a day-to-day thing.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.62. You know a guy is going well when I’m not even sure if a 6 IP, 1 ER game took his ERA up or down from the previous game. (It went up slightly; I checked.)
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. A short schedule day equals one thing…A RASMUS HOME RUN. When y’all resting, Rasmus restless’ing! (Sounded better in my head.)
Drew Hutchison – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Thanks to a short schedule day, I got to see him. Doesn’t look overpowering, but people were swinging and missing, and that’s all that matters, right? Well, that and drinking your milk, eating your vitamins and being a loyal Hulkamaniac. Nothing in his peripherals are saying he should regress to oblivion — 11.4 K/9, 3.12 BB/9, 3.08 xFIP. In fact, those are saying he’s a top 20 starter. I wouldn’t go that far yet, and he will have some nasty matchups, but I’d absolutely look to add him in most mixed leagues.
Manny Machado – Could return next weekend. Not bad since he originally said he wanted to be ready to start the year. I guess he was using the Mayan calendar, which starts the year in May.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Will be interesting to see if he starts every day once Machado returns. My guess is 5 out of 6 games a week, which, honestly, might be more than Machado in the early going.
David Lough – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals, hitting .191. Good for speed, and not much else. That’s the Lough down.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Since I don’t own him anywhere, I wouldn’t mind if he got hurt today. Make that happen, Fantasy Baseball Overlord.
Juan Uribe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He rarely hits only one homer, so he’s a good bet to hit a few more in the next couple of days. What does the Hitter-Tron say, “I want to make love to a carburetor.” Oh-kay.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting out of the two hole. The legal prescription to Adderall he got might be making the difference. Or at least it’s helping him follow an episode of Sherlock.
Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Doode’s straight fire right now. He’s like Lenny Kravitz prior to everyone realizing he was Roxie Roker’s son and a joke. He’s like Stalin when he was just a fiercely handsome man with a mustache that had no quit and before all that murdering millions shizz. He’s The King Slayer with two hands. Dayan needs to be owned while he’s seeing the strike zone through a prism of meatballs and fine badonkadonks.
Adam Dunn – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Guess what his batting average is right now? Nope, higher. Higher still. Not .350! Are you crazy? He’s hitting .266. Zoinks!
Tyler Flowers – 3-for-4, hitting .375. Oh. Huh?! What is Robin Ventura feeding these guys? Strike that, what is he feeding them from the leftovers that Dunn hasn’t eaten?
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. You look up a streamer pitching line in the dictionary and Quintana’s is what is shown. Of course, it is a very specialized dictionary.
Gordon Beckham – 0-for-4, 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Picking up right where he left off!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .263. I swear to God, I looked at his year-to-date stats and yawned. Don’t hate the yawner, hate the player.
Kurt Suzuki – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .310 on the year. It’s like everyone the Twins put at catcher hits. Too bad Mauer’s now at 1st.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .182. That average is just due to a small sample size. He’s more of a .168 hitter.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. I know I said this the other day, but it is so comical to me (which means not funny at all) that Joe Maddon removes his number three hitter in the middle of the game — every game! — when a new pitcher comes in. Has any other team in the history of baseball platooned their number three hitter? Maddon should have a nickname. He’s like Morpheus from The Matrix, but sticking to much wackier theories. I will call him Lessobvious. “Lessobvious, you sure you want David DeJesus to DH?” Lessobvious just waves his hand and DeJesus hits a homer. Lessobvious! “Are you sure you want to platoon Matt Joyce and Sean Rodriguez as your number three hitter?” Lessobvious waves his hand. Lessobvious! “Is James Loney really a good enough hitter for a 1st baseman?” Loney goes 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and is hitting .301. Lessobvious!
Erik Bedard – 4 IP, 4 ER vs. the Twins. Seemed like a good matchup on paper, but that’s too obvious, Lessobvious’s kryptonite.
Mike Bolsinger – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. More like Ballslinger! *high-five self, shakes tush, pleased with self* This was the first game where he appeared usable in NL-Only leagues and not like he should be called Bolsniffer. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t hate his next start, but it likes anyone vs. the Rockies whenever they’re on the road, so I’d leave him for NL-Only’ers.
Russell Martin – Hopes to return today. He’s been battling lower body soreness. Geez, Alyssa Milano, leave him alone!
Brandon Cumpton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. If you streamed him for this start, nice ‘nads on you, now I’d start singing Straight Outtta Cumpton as you dropped him.
Tony Campana – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. As I profossilized (Made Up Word of the Day!) yesterday, Campana will see more starts now that Trumbo is on the DL. SAGNOF!
A.J. Pollock – Missed yesterday with a sore neck. Someone yelled out in the clubhouse that they had pierogies and this Pollock turned his head too fast.
Justin Ruggiano – Will miss a month with a hamstring strain. Surprised to hear Ruggiano didn’t have a cheesestring.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowered his ERA to 5.02, which is a Bad Gateway Error message.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Pedro Strop – Rick Renteria said the Cubs don’t have a set closer, saying, “It’s organic.” I’m guessing he means organic as in owning a Cubs closer is very costly to your bottom line and after you eat the $5.00 mango shipped from the Dominican, it still gives you the runs.
C.J. Edwards – Headed to Chicago to have his sore shoulder checked out. Be cool if his doctor were Anthony Edwards.
Tony Cingrani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.86. You know, Cingrani doesn’t get enough respect from the Italian-American community. Where are the I-trail-yins pumping up Cingrani to marry one of their mustachioed daughters? Cingrani throws the ball faster than your IROC and has a better feel for balls than you do in your Sergio Tacchini track pants.
Jonathan Broxton – 1 IP, 0 ER, 4th save. In related news, I have 7 closers on my RCL team and I dropped one of the three I drafted. As my neck tattoo reads, SAGNOF ’til I die!
Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I wonder if anyone would hire a mohel named Lance. Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright!
Krispie Young – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He has around 160 games played in every month of the season, and he’s pretty consistent about his power and speed, but he does tend to get smoking hot, so if he’s out there, now would be the time to look at him.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Got the one, two, three save yesterday because Farnsworth had worked the previous two days, and Terry Collins wanted to roll the Dice-K. Farnsworth owners and True Blood fans alike wished his name were said Die-sookie.
Bobby Abreu – 1-for-3 as he started in right field for the Mets. That gave the Mets an outfield of Young, Young, Old As F*ck.