Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday. *giggles like a schoolgirl* Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday. *giggles again* It was his birthday! Man, that is rich. The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17. Not someone important just to rub it in further. Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps. “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.” So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider. My love runs deep for Mr. Snider. Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers. I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!” And that’s me quoting me! I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year. I’d grab him in every league where you need power. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run. The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.
Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend. Well, la di–No, actually that’s good. Grab him if you need power.
Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.
Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain. He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday). On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories. First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time. The category has a committee leader: Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.” Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year. Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room. Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.” Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them. This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category. Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”
Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.
Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week. You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side? Did he steal his toothpick? “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter? My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”
Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games. All brays to Mini Donkey!
Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday. I am Sparkakis! Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade. He’s on pace for a 15/15 season. I give that a small yay.
Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games. For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot. If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards. Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam! He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances. Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.
Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).
Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile. Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask. I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.
Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K. Having a better season than Zack Greinke. Fantasy baseball: helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.
Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks. I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.
Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9. Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.
Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago. If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…
Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade. Someone’s enjoying their new environs. If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer. BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall. Oh, no, CartGo. Gasp! Shudder. Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh. However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.
Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy. He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.
Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year. Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save. Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now. Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.” If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.
Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.
Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far. If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.
Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER. He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins. Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch? Doesn’t seem uber possible. I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones. He’s unstartable right now everywhere.
Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad. His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”