You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell. All caps are just too much right now. I’m not sure where I lost my voice. May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker. What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them? It’s the free drinks, ya’ll! About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact. Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house. I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth. Hair’s to you, Ubaldo! Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis. Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury. Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked. Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).” And that’s me quoting Stephen! In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357. Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust. The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week. Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues? Certainly. Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo? Nope. But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to “stop sucking.”
Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold. Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.
Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball. In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito. The mosquito’s day-to-day.
Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job? Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez. He’s terrible at everything, except speed. Oh, what glorious burners he has. So, as always, SAGNOF.
Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks). I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.
Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Now has back-to-back blown saves. Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet. If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks. Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year. Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year. But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco. Very sneaky, Scherzer.
Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff. Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday. Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal. It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey. It’s a goad. Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.
Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday. 2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER. Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.
Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week. Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month. Grab while hot, friend.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.
Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game. Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league. I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman. Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman. He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.
Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday. I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year. Member how excited you were in March to own him? How ya feeling now?
Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday. He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power. I will call you, Polancallaspo.
Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal. If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.
Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. He got lucky last time, too. The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.” These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.
Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I talked him up last week. Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me. So I picked him up and he got shelled. Did he do this to spite me? Probably. But guess what? It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet. In your face, Pavano!
Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs. Now that’s Razztastic!
Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115. Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.
Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday. After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”
Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs. Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.