Now, if Clay wants to be called Buchholz, Imma call him Cassius. Clay Buchholz took a no-hitter into the 8th inning and ended with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. Tampa. The Jewish Journal’s headline read, “Clay Spins Rays Like A Dreidel.” You know why he’s pitching this well, right? Cause I had nothing positive to say about him in the preseason. That’s spiteful, Clay. Spite is one of the seven deadliest sins. Right after that soup the fat guy ate in Se7en and Paltrow’s career after she stopped sleeping with Harvey Weinstein. “Sleep with the gross, sweaty producer, win an Oscar. Sleep with that guy from Coldplay, do movies with Huey Lewis.” Okay, this is a big step for me, but I’m willing to buy into the new and improved Buchholz with his splitter that he learned at the tail-end of last year. I’m not going out and trading for him, but if you went against my wishes and drafted him, you did good. It looks like you might’ve stole a pitcher late that has number two fantasy starter upside. Though I can’t say that I won’t be rooting against him every step of the way, since I don’t own him. My will vs. your will in a steel cage. My will will rake your will’s eyes. My will fights dirty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joel Hanrahan – Out a few days with a hammy problem. It sounds like Hanrahanananananan’ll only be out a few days. Yeah, and my dog, Ted, doesn’t have herpes. He does. (I told Ted to stop sniffing other dog’s butts or he was going to contract an STD, but he doesn’t listen.) The hamstring is supposedly altering Hanrahanananananan’s mechanics, so if he’s feeling it at all, he’s going on the DL. That means all Bailey has to do is convert a save or two cleanly and he’s gonna replace Hanrahanananananan. Look at this way, would you go back to the guy struggling with a hamstring issue or just have the closer, who you originally went out to get to close games, be the closer? Grab Bailey now!
Tony Cingrani – Johnny Cueto left Saturday’s game with a lat strain and will hit the DL. That’s a real shame. I won’t bother to say I told everyone to avoid him in the preseason. What good would that be? It would be like being a Monday morning quarterback only I was quarterbacking about four months ago and just recapping how I quarterbacked. That does no one any good! I know all of you read every single post, and there’s no reason I should quote what I said just three days ago about Tony Cingrani, but for the one or two of you who are reading this while wearing a Montreal Royals hat covered in aluminum and banging on the side of your Commodore 64, here it is, “Let’s look at what Scott, our prospect writer, had to say about Cingrani, “Cingrani was thoroughly impressive in 25 starts between High- and Double-A: 1.73 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 10.6 K/9. The 23-year-old lefty rode that success to a late-season call-up, during which he whiffed 9 big league hitters in just 5 IP out of the ‘pen. For now, he’s primarily a fastball-changeup kind of guy, but his curveball is coming around. A deeper arsenal would be better for his long-term projection, but in any case, Cingrani’s stuff as-is should suffice to rack up plenty of K’s, which reminds me of the time I built a rack in my dungeon and tried to lure Grey in there with a high-K prospect.” Whoa, didn’t remember that last part. Scott also placed Cingrani on his latest prospect power rankings. Cingrani has something like a 13+ K-rate in his minor league career, so, yeah, I’m drooling. I could see him being as good as Shelby or Harvey (first you take over the media, now rookie prospects? Geez, Jews!).” And that’s me quoting me! I already grabbed Cingrani in all leagues where I could, and suggest you do that same.
Jonathan Broxton – 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Broxton, unbreak my ERA/WHIP.
Michael McKenry – 2-for-4, 2 run, 3 RBIs and two home runs. Wasn’t he on The Kids in the Hall?
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fly away, Starling, fly away with your upside.
Oswaldo Arcia – Wilkin Ramirez’s wife (girlfriend? mistress? Elizabeth McGovern?) is having a baby, and he left the team. They should name their kids Talken and Singen, so when they introduce themselves they can sing Wilco’s Walken. “I’m Wilkin.” “I’m Talken” “I’m Singen.” I should just hang out in maternity wards and name people’s kids for them. The time between Wilkin’s wife’s contractions shouldn’t/wouldn’t mean much, except the Twins are saying they are promoting Oswaldo Arcia to replace him. This is bizzonkers. Arcia is a top prospect. He was 24th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospect list. He shouldn’t be called up for a paternity leave absence unless Wilkin’s wife (girlfriend? mistress? Elizabeth McGovern?) has some great job and Wilkin is gonna have to stay home with Talken until he is talkin’ and walkin’. Would the Twins really call up a top prospect for only three days? Seems unlikely. The only other possibility would be Arcia staying with the club. So, why should we care? Thanks, clunky transitional question! Arcia has big time power. Between A and Double-A, he hit 36 homers. In nine games in Triple-A this year, he has 3 homers, and is hitting .414. He profiles as a three hitter in the lineup. For those slow on the uptake or just massively hungover, a three-hole hitter is good. If Arcia’s 3-day audition goes better than Lohan’s 3-day audition with Paul Schrader, the Twins could keep him in the majors because, really, what do they have to lose? I’d absolutely grab him in deeper leagues for the chance of some sweet, sweet upside.
Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Halladay will face the Cardinals next time out. For Halladay’s sake, hopefully the Cards trade away their entire team to the Blue Jays and have their best hitter sitting out with a sore shoulder.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 5th steal as Revere screams, “The SAGNOF is coming! The SAGNOF is coming!”
Wilson Ramos – To the DL with a hamstring strain. This is a coup for Suzuki’s playing time. Unfortunately, I’m not that coup-coup for Suzuki’s bat.
Danny Espinosa – After being hit by a pitch, he left the game with a sore hand. Sounds like he’ll be day-to-day. Or Day2Day, if you prefer the R&B shorthand.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not much to say, obviously not a good start as the Nationals got beat up by the Braves. All the patriotic fervor with team names did get me thinking. I wonder if Al Jazeera sports news translates this game as the Infidels vs. the Infidels.
Paul Maholm – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yes, you should own him. Yes, now.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Meanwhile, B.J. Upton went 3-for-5, raising his average to .163, and he called his mom to wish her an early birthday that’s not for another five months. “Nah, Justin’s probably out hitting homers, he doesn’t care about what’s important — family.”
Chris Johnson – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, now hitting .405. Braves are gonna have to play Johnson when Freeman returns if he keeps hitting like this or I’ll need to start chanting, “Free my Johnson,” and that’s gonna be awkward for everyone involved.
Kelvin Herrera – Got the vulture win as he entered a tie game. You’re prolly thinking, “Yeah, your mustache is hella dope and your eyes are piercing like Aaron Burr’s sword, but so what on Herrera entering a tie game?” Well, the game was at home. Usually a manager brings in his closer in the 9th inning at home in a tie game. Point for Herrera.
Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Ervin hasn’t turned down that many BJ’s since… Okay, I’ll stop. I will also stop short of recommending Santana. He’s nothing but a match-ups guy. Hello, Stream-o-Nator.
Kevin Gregg – Cubs signed him. Why? Because their bullpen is a shambles and Joe Borowski said he didn’t want to un-retire. Here’s a scenario: Gregg blows hitters away in extended spring training, returns to the Cubs and has the kind of success in the majors that he hasn’t had in about three years, then, when he closes the door on his 30th save, a pig flies over Wrigley and says, “I knew you could do it, let’s go get coffee.” Or Gregg returns for the 7th and 8th inning of games and gives up multiple runs and is released. Either scenario is possible. The latter maybe slightly more so. Like 99.99999999999999999999% to .00000000000000000001%. But I’m not an oddsmaker, and I’m sure Al Gore is working on getting pigs to fly and drink coffee now that his Internet was such a success, so you never know. With Kyuji Fujikawa on the DL, someone needs to close Cubs games and Jim Belushi hasn’t looked great. I would grab James Russell and Shawn Camp, in that order. The reason why I put Russell first was because John Waters wouldn’t even be able to defend Camp’s performance yesterday. Either of them could run away with the job because of a lack of better options. More than likely, neither will be very good and Fujikawa will return and regain the closer job.
Matt Harrison – Unlikely to return when eligible because he just received another epidural. Hey, maybe he’s birthing Talken Ramirez.
Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his first homer. Rudy corrected me the other day, we do own Jackson on our LABR team. I forgot about that league Tony Blair invited us into.
Hiroki Kuroda – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not bad, George would’ve traded him to Tyler Chicken in Arkansas. Hey, it is alcoholic chicken.
Jarrod Parker – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. I’ve told anyone who’s asked to drop Parker. He doesn’t look right at all. Same goes for Fiers. Unless your league is very deep, there has to be better options.
Chase Headley – After originally saying he was gonna be out six weeks, he now is aiming to return on Tuesday. Boy, he really *pinkie to mouth* cuts to the Chase.
Carlos Quentin – Suspended for 8 games for ruining my fantasy teams. He dropped his suspension appeal because he wanted to avoid the Dodgers upcoming 3-game series. Brave move, Quentin. Maybe when you return, you can wear a four-inch elbow pad and lean out over the plate. Oh, wait, you already do that. My bad!
Aramis Ramirez – His brother and manager, Drakkar, said Aramis won’t be ready to return when his DL stint is up on April 21st. My guess is Aramis will return about two weeks after, look downright fragrant for about a month, then get hurt again.
Burke Badenhop – Just flew in from doing “Wild on! Milwaukee” and got the save. Wouldn’t read too much into it, Henderson was used earlier in the game. It does show how far Axford has fallen in Brewtown.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, but watched his win get audited by Rosenthal and Boggs. There’s one out for me, nineteen runs for you, cause I’m the Taxman. The Closepocalypse, a destructive phenomenon that wreaks all fantasy ratios in its path, appears to be contained to the Midwest. Fantasy owners should remain on the east and west coasts until it passes. I’d even stock up on Santiago Casilla, just in case the storm heads westward. Also, I’d continue to hold Boggs (because I’m a masochist) until the Cardinals officially remove him, then I’d try Mujica because everyone else looks unable to get three outs.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4 with his third homer. That’s three straight games for him with a home run. Unfortunately, it’s not three straight Cardinal games. Someone needs to Gillooly Allen Craig.
Josh Beckett – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, now has a 3.26 ERA on the year. Keep that in mind when people ask if they should pick him up.
Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Cahill’s solid for a middle of a fantasy rotation. About average. Neither here nor there. Tolerable. Passable. Sorry, I just paid $9.95 for a thesaurus subscription. I know, I could’ve bought the Astros instead.
Michael Bourn – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer, but left yesterday’s game with a hand laceration. Bourn could be sidelined for a week. Can’t wait to see how Paul Greengrass makes that exciting.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Terrific to see that after his ishkabibble last start.
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I wrote something in the preseason about how I was willing to take a flyer on someone like Lorenzo Cain instead of paying the premium for De Aza. Yeah, I wish I paid the premium, as I dropped Cain yesterday in a 12-team mixed league. Cain…Sugar! will now go on a torrid streak. Mark my words. Don’t mark your actual computer screen, doode. C’mon.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. He showed the Astros what they could have if they sold all of their players, their stadium and took out a loan on the city of Houston to pay for him. Maybe Loria can take over the Astros and show them how it’s done.
Philip Humber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has a 2.89 ERA through three games. That’s nice. I’d prefer Phillip from Stealth R Us.
Brett Lawrie – With Reyes out for three months due to the Curse of Trying to Buy Championships that the Jays acquired from the Marlins, the Jays will play Lawrie at 2nd base with Bautista over at 3rd. Meanwhile, Jay’s GM, Anthopoulos was seen spraying Windex on Reyes’s ankle, muttering, “Moustakas oopa ouza tzatziki girl with mustache,” which is all Greek to me.