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We get a lot of comments from fantasy baseball team owners venting their frustration when a trade of theirs is vetoed. So we decided to give our a loyal readers a Mad Libs-type tirade to post on their league’s messageboard. As we like to say, when met with pettiness, attack with more pettiness. Simply copy the below wherever you need it and fill in the appropriate words. You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com. Also, feel free to post your version in the comments. You’re welcome.

To Those That Vetoed My Trade,

Hi, (Name) here. Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade veto of (Player(s) Trading Away) for (Player(s) Getting). I contemplated not addressing the veto. I figured asking the league to read something that wasn’t written in crayon would be (adverb) impossible. But if nothing else, some of you could you use this post to practice your reading comprehension. It’s not too late for that GED!

Contrary to your (adjective) claims about the unfairness of the trade, I did not collude with the other manager. We were simply trying to do what was best for our respective teams. I was surprised the trade was vetoed. I didn’t think most of you would have time for that with your busy schedules of collecting a complete (noun) set and (verb) your sister. Only a (number)-year-old guy who lives in his Mommy’s basement and eats hard candy like an addict freebases (drug) would have the time to worry about whether a fantasy baseball trade was fair. Alas, I overestimated all of you.

Well, doucetards, I got an idea. How about you (plural derogatory name) get together and trade war secrets about the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives? You know, discuss the quickest excuse to get your Mommy to wash your (noun). For example, “Subway has an opening to spin a sign on the street corner, but I need a (noun) that doesn’t have (an ice cream topping) smeared all over it.” Or you (plural derogatory name) can discuss what’s the best way to shove a (vegetable) up your (body part).

Lastly, if any of (plural derogatory name) respond in a critical way, I’d imagine you will sit there refreshing your browser waiting for my reply, so I’ll save you the time and respond right now, “Even without the trade, I will still beat you so bad you will finally know what it’s like to lose your virginity.”

The (expletive adjective) Guy Who (expletive verb) Your Mother Harder Than George Bush (expletive verb) This Country,

(Name)

P.S. Here’s hoping you and your sister spawn a/an (animal) that has (number) eyes and a cleft palette.

  1. Dim says:
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    WTF is in the air? I flipped Jermaine Dye for Brandon Lyon and folks started grumbling (one guy has 8 closers in this league so they’re scarce); then Player A (who had 5 startable OF’s at the time) gave up Texeira, Magglio and Granderson for Morneau and Carlos Lee, and all hell broke loose. What’s particularly retarded is that Player A is a complete asshole and started flaming everyone who didn’t like the trade; so now those folks are vetoing it just to piss off the guy they think is getting hosed.

    sofa king we todd it

    BTW, I think timing has a lot to do with it. If my trade had happened AFTER the other one, it probably would have been vetoed. Don’t be the second guy in a week to make a vaguely questionable trade- or any trade whatsoever, if the folks in your league don’t understand BABIP or roster construction.

  2. JR says:
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    Sorry if this is in the wrong post. I rarely get trade offers in my league, because I am a relative newcomer. I’ve gotten someone to field offers from Santana. I am first in hitting and near the bottom in pitching. He is desperate for hitting.

    I give Rios and CJackson and get Santana. Good or bad?

  3. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Dim: Ha, you should fill in the above Mad Libs and paste into your team messageboard then come back and post it here.

    @JR: That’s good for you.

  4. Chase says:
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    @JR: Only if its Johan!

  5. Chase says:
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    I can only start two tonight….Ryan Howard, Garret Atkins(Vs. Webb), and Mark Teixiera(Vs. Hamels)

  6. peter says:
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    A manager in one of my leagues just sent around a suspicious approximation of your mad lib. I’m moving for the league to veto his correspondence.

  7. Dim says:
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    FWIW, the first paragraph of the madlib should end “not [b]too[/b] late for that GED!” (emphasis mine). Jeez, even when I’m slacking off looking at fantasy baseball, I’m editing; should get a raise.

  8. Dim says:
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    what no html function?

  9. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Dim: Nice. Thanks!

  10. Chase says:
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    Quentin’s upside?

  11. Chase says:
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    Have your feelings for Rios changed? Could he still be a first rounder next year?

  12. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Chase: Not yet… If he slumps for another two weeks, then maybe.

  13. Chase says:
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    Would you trade hart for him or is that like hamburgers and hamburgers (what prince fielder should be eating, why would you change somehting if you are hitting 50 hrs in a year, sigh)

  14. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Chase: Well, he only hit one home run last year before June, so you might be missing out on everything with him. I do kinda like Quentin more though.

    EDIT: Cuz.

  15. JR says:
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    Dude, I asked my question before reading the post. It’s hilarious. What a service to the community!

  16. BSA says:
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    When two of your starting pitchers are going against each other do you pitch them both or choose another matchup – Beckett/Harden in Oakland? I already made out when it was Volquez/Hudson – Anyone know the numbers of successes versus failures when picthing against yourself?

  17. Steve says:
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    Grey – my team’s AVE and OBP are currently in the shi**er. Which obviously means the rest of my offensive stats aren’t so hot either. Somehow I’m still in 4th and have won 4 out of 5 matchups. My question is, do I have a bunch of guys who have all gone cold at the same time and will come around, or do I need to perform some surgery?
    My hitters are:
    Navarro
    Howard
    Johnson
    Atkins
    Renteria/Greene
    Crawford
    Rios
    Markakis
    Hawpe
    =======
    Melky
    Bourne
    Posada (DL)

  18. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @BSA: When two quality pitchers are starting against each other, I start them both and hope for a pitching duel. You shouldn’t pick and choose.

    @Steve: Renteria and Greene is pretty weak at SS for AVE and OBP. Since you have Crawford, why not try and move Bourn to a team that’s weak at speed and decent at SS? You’re not going to get anyone tremendous but maybe someone who’s decent at OBP. Someone like M. Young. Maybe double up the offer if they don’t want Bourn straight up. So Bourn and Renteria for Young.

  19. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:
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    “Even without the trade, I will still beat you so bad you will finally know what it’s like to lose your virginity.”

    This is going to be my epitath. I’m going to engrave this on my headstone when I die. Brilliant.

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