When I was growing up, we had a hutch. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what piece of furniture it was that my grandparents used to call a hutch. So, like a child of the naughts, I Googled it. On Wikipedia, it says a hutch is where one prepares an evening tipple. Let me just say, I don’t remember anyone in Jersey ever preparing an evening tipple. An evening Sloppy Joe? Sure. An evening ‘bang on the side of the TV so the picture would come in?’ Yup. An evening ‘curse at the neighbors?’ Definitely! An evening tipple? Not in my Jersey. But, for the sake of argument, let’s all pour ourselves an evening tipple for Drew Hutchison. Last night, he went 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk and 8 Ks. See, nothing to it. The only mistake yesterday was a long ball surrendered to Chris Davis (now has back-to-back games with ding-shots). As I said when Hutchison was called up, he could be as great as any pitcher to come up this year. Sadly, it may not be this year that he is great. It’s the pickle that is young pitchers. I would own him, shoot, I’d even have a tipple with him, but I wouldn’t fully trust him until he has a longer track record. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ubaldo Jimenez – Orioles are considering bringing Ubaldo back as a reliever. That should raise his Cost Per Pitch to about $500,000. Or the same amount of money Guy Fieri uses on haircare products per year. Of course that cost includes $500/hour for Bobby Flay to foil wrap his hair and $1500/hour for The Barefoot Contessa to frost it. “Jeffrey, would really love a sliver of your head. He loves frosting.”
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.69. It was a bad day to stop sniffing glue. Screw that, it was a bad day to wake up. I wish to self-medicate now, Cougs. Thank you, but I don’t need the umbrella in my drink today. Just a stiff cocktail to help wash away my tears. Nah, let’s leave the Old Fashioneds for you. Maybe a shot of Rumple Minze. That’s the only thing that can make me feel more miserable. He’s at a 8 K/9, 1.98 BB/9 and 3.56 xFIP. Teheran is a low-end one, high-end number two fantasy starter. Yesterday, he got killed by a couple of long balls, and some regression.
Andrelton Simmons – His ankle took a turn for the worse — literally. He was in a splint yesterday and moving around on crutches. Simmons said, “I can’t even do crop circles right now with a tractor and Charlie Manuel driving.”
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. He gives me a bad case of the yawns. I’m beginning to think he’s in that category of players that are better real-life players than they are for fantasy — think Joe Mauer. I may shock the world and rank Freeman really low next year. Well, less shocking now that I’ve mentioned it.
Chris Young – 5 IP, 3ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 3.27. I picture him holding his ERA up in one hand, high above his head, and the Fangraphs Database keeps jumping up, trying to yank it down.
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. This is week two of Ackley’s hot schmotato run. You can wait another week to grab him, at which point he will cool off, or you can grab him now. The choice is yours, Dres, D-R-E-S, yes.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Back to Freeman for a second, Seager is performing better than Freeman on our Player Rater. Granted, different positions, but that only reinforces the case, since Seager’s at a much harder position to find value. Seager’s going against the wind, and I’m picking up the courage to go against Freeman. No longer will I be a slave to Freeman! And that’s irony points; eat it, Brits!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. After the game, he tweeted, “#Iamnotable.” Can only assume he didn’t appreciate people putting coasters on his head.
Jed Lowrie – Missed his 2nd straight game after taking a grounder off his finger. As the pastry chef said to his sous chef, “Get your tiramisu ass back in there with your ladyfingers!”
Sonny Gray – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Do I not allow you to gaze at my mustache without toll? I screamed at an Armenian lady yesterday for throwing food out her window, but that seemed so minor compared to the hell that wrought down on my fantasy teams. Could she have cursed me? P to the erhaps. Excuse me, I need to take a long sigh. Well, that did nothing to ease my worried soul. Gray’s K-rate is 7.8, BB/9 is 3.2 and xFIP 3.47. Basically, he’s a number two to three fantasy starter that was performing as a number one if you looked just at his pristine ERA. So, this was a slight regression. I wouldn’t panic, he was all over the shop yesterday (4 BBs), and hopefully it’s a one day blip.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.61. Hellickson is a young, vivacious, upwardly mobile professional with an eye on helping the environment. He should be working for Greenpeace. Because he cares! Or at least that’s what people seem to think when they see his name, because, without fail, people always ask about picking him up. He strikes out no one, he usually walks people and I wouldn’t go near him. As the Stream-o-Nator points out, he’s not even streamable.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer as he hits .288. That’s the 2nd best average in the Rays starting lineup, so naturally he bats ninth. It’s the luck of the grain. Meaning, Yunel Escobar (2-for-5, 2 runs) writes everyone’s name on a piece of rice then Maddon lets loose a chicken and the lineup is done in pecking order.
James Loney – 2-for-4, hitting near-.500 in the last week. My hot schmotato has a first name, it’s L-O-N-E-Y.
Michael Wacha – Could return around mid-September, which, to you and me, means he’ll be back the last week of the season to work out of the bullpen. For this year, I’m thinking Wacha Flocka Flameout.
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.99. That’s nice. No, thank you.
Joe Kelly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. In his first start since his trade from St. Louis, he started against St. Louis. Good thing he doesn’t have that Memento man disease, this could’ve got confusing.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Don’t ever put it past him the ability to turn it on at the end of the season just to get people jazzed for next year to only disappoint them again.
Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.57. I’m not wild about Haren, and Haren’s not wild to own. Nice game though, let’s leave it in that box since he had given up 11 earned runs in the previous 9 1/3 IP.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER vs. Twins. I’d have a hard time starting him, even in NL-Only leagues. Not as hard as spelling his name, but close. If anyone should only go by one name, it’s this guy. Force us to spell only one impossible name, please.
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Fabulouth!
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 1 run. 2nd back-to-back three-hit game, and on Tuesday he had a homer. So, pretty much every Padre hitter is hot right now. Yes, I know that’s sad.
Danny Santana – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 9th steal. Damn, a steal with no hits really fuels my caboose! I love that shizz! It’s like the guy is actually concerned with your fantasy team. Maybe you should ask him if you should pick up Arencibia.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I had Juan Uribe already picked up for my Thursday batty call, but dropped him for Plouffe when I saw how hot he’s been. Probably will bite me in my luscious booty due Plouffe facing a much tougher pitcher. Eff it, I’m not scared of the inevitable, which is what Logan Morrison tweeted when he bought a table in Argentina.
Troy Tulowitzki – Took batting practice yesterday. I’d take a return of a completely healthy and hot-hitting Tulo for just the month of September. That’s not asking Tu-much, is it?
Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I don’t own him and I just realized how poor his power is. Is there any first rounders besides Miggy and Trout performing right now? Sad emoticon smoking a cigarette with a bad twitch.
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs. This should send him to the bench for three days.
Nate Schierholtz – Designated for assignment. If another club doesn’t take a chance on him, he can return to Dusseldorf, Germany and take over his family’s hosiery business. With the move, he’d definitely up his runs.
Arismendy Alcantara – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Yeah, he’s only on pace for a 20/20 season prorated over the course of a season. Nah, you shouldn’t own. Why own wonderful? It just makes everything else less wonderful.
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 9 ER in Coors. I’ve said this before, but it’s worth saying again since people still ask. Unless it’s F-Her, Kershaw, Darvish or any top ten pitcher, they’re not worth starting in Coors. Lots of people asked about Arrieta yesterday. My answer is the same as always: What’s the best you can get in Coors? Maybe 6 IP, 3 ER and a no decision? Eh, really doesn’t seem worth it when the worst you can get is so much worse as witnessed by Arrieta’s start. Hopefully this start wasn’t a week whacker for you.
Danny Salazar – 4 IP, 5 ER. I’ll let a fourteen-year-old text you, “Um ok. Lqqk 0 walks!!! Emoji!!!” After the game, Salazar was sent to Triple-A. He hopes to return next year and instill fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) with confidence only to squash their dreams.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. On our Player Rater, Gomes has an outside shot of being the number one ranked catcher for the year. I hope he gets there, because I own him. By the by, when you’re at the Player Rater, if you put the letter C in the box under POS, it sorts for all Catchers. Can do the same for all positions or by name.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. You gotta get in on Cozart quickly for a hot schmotato play. He has multiple hits in the last two games, and that may only last for three days, at most. You have been advised!
Kris Negron – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Negron’s taking all the almost-racist mojo away from Blackmon! Luckily, Julio Mexicano is still in the minors.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.47. Hasn’t quite been Yordano “The Arm” Ventura, but also hasn’t been the wasteland of Ventura County either.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Mostsuckass hit .233 in the month of July, and that was considered a good month. Yup.
Jarred Cosart – Scratched with a sore oblique. He tried to fight through it, but Jarred is sick of bottling up everything.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. This is the most home runs he’s hit in professional ball since 2012, when he was in T-Ball.
Josh Harrison – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 14th steal. Who do you think you are? Kipnis? You don’t look like a Jewish delicatessen specialty. You certainly don’t sound like one. So, please stop with the impersonations.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA went up to 2.14. I watched a lot of this game (praying Adam Dunn would get in again), and I wish I had Sale on every team. His fastball is so nasty, tailing away from hitters. Or to make that more pithy: Beautiful fastball, Sale; RE: tail.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. This was his 2nd homer in the last four games, and he does have a hit in each of his last five games. But it seems every time I say he’s hot, he gets cold, so wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo in Viciedo’s direction.
Adam Eaton – Ran into the outfield fence and left the game. He really takes stride in his defense. After the game, he denied ever colliding with anything. Repression is just running into a defense mechanism. The groundskeeper deflected criticism about the condition of his warning track without even being asked. You’d think Eaton would be the one getting defensive. Okay, I’ll stop. Eaton’s fine, and day-to-day.
Adam Rosales – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (2, 3). Tracking Rosales’s first homer was why Eaton ran into the fence. The TV feed’s mics picked up his audio. “I’m Adam Eaton…FENCE!” Okay, I’m really done now.
Cliff Lee – Won’t need surgery on his elbow, which is great news if you’re his HMO. Not great news when he suddenly does need surgery next year.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Ah, the pomade will go on just a little smoother now.
George Springer – Suffered a setback on his quad while rehabbing in Quad Cities. Thankfully, he wasn’t in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, now hitting .285. Sandoval’s going to be seeking a fat contract this offseason. What? I wasn’t implying anything.
Joe Panik – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Now has three straight games with multiple hits, and…uh…Ugh, I can’t suggest him. He’s Joe Panik. He sounds like a guy that got that name from his Mafia friends. “Who the hell was the one who shot the guard before I gave the signal?!” In unison, “Joe Panik.”
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (17) and legs (23). As I was saying yesterday, he got real cold there for about 3 months, but it’s fair he’s riding the opposite spectrum right now. Riding it hard and putting it away with a slam and legs.
Khris Davis – 1-for-2 and his 18th homer. Sonavabench! I can’t take this, either start him or don’t? Quit playing games with my heart! My heart!
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.77 vs. Yovani Gallardo (4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.54). This was a matchup of, Should I Own Him? vs. Should I Own Him? Game ended with more questions than answers.
Eugenio Suarez – Missed yesterday’s game with a sprained knee, and went for an MRI. Tigers have had a hard time keeping a shortstop on the field this year. Could be the Curse of Alan Trammell. That curse is basically him and Lou Whitaker scheming in the produce aisle while flipping an orange to each other, and avoiding the supermarket manager who they’ve dubbed, “The Baserunner.”
Torii Hunter – Missed yesterday’s game with a bruised hand. He’s day-to-day. Well, at his age, maybe it’s minute-to-minute.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He was outdueled by Chris Capuano (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks). What else do you need to know about Verlander this year? Seriously, put that sentence in a time capsule from 2014. Sums up Verlander’s season better than anything else I’ve heard.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. After the game, he needed stitches on his pinkie. Thank God, it wasn’t his winkie. *carefully crosses legs*
Brian McCann – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd game in a row with a homer (his 13th). I was about to say you should pick him up, but then I looked and he’s owned in 97% of leagues. He’s hitting .236. I can’t get 97% of anyone who plays fantasy baseball to agree on a catcher. How is that possible? Some serious Yankee inflation going on there. I’m beginning to think there’s leagues with guys who only want to own Yankee players.
Chase Headley – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer on the Yanks while hitting .263. He’s on pace for a 20-homer season if he was on the Yankees all year. Unfortch, that’s a homer around once every eight games which is not that exciting when you’re living it.
Doug Fister – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.49. Next March, be prepared to spend on him in auctions. Then you can name your team, A Fister Full of Dollars. Hopefully, you’re not compelled to also draft Clint Barmes, Sergio Romo and Dominic Leone.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (14, 15). I love when LaRoche sings, “Want to be my lover, be my lover!” Oh, that’s La Bouche. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Unlikely, but he is what he is.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 1 run, hitting .250 with 3 homers on the year. Lonnie Chisenhall hit that many homers in one game. Harper should grow back his rooster haircut so he can play it off to friends when Nats fans walk past him and call him a cock.