Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS. On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening. Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out. Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.” And that’s me quoting me! Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out. I don’t think this ends well for Nathan. Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that. No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise. But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back. Chillax! Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.” But, well, that didn’t happen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s a Duensing machine! Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues? Yes, but I don’t trust him.
Chris Young – To the DL. He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.
Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started? Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here. He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL. Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back. Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back. It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself. And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196. Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better. I.e., Buy low. (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4. Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)
Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. I don’t buy a resurgence here. If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.
Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Control-Alt-Ignore.
Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday. I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name. To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.
Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.
Charlie Morton – Sonavabench! Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer. Double sonavabench! It’s raining sonavabenches! Someone make the sonavabenches stop. Please!
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer. I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later. Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.
Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs. Thank you.
Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs. Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.
Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.
Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team. Yeah, him. And him too.
Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year. You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly. Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes? After he’s traded away from the Yankees. Nothing personal. He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built. Just can’t draft that headache.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! So who you blaming for drafting Hughes? You ain’t blaming me. Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase. Blame the barista that left no room for milk. Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry. Just don’t blame me. Know who else you can’t blame? Rudy. He put him on his risky pitcher list. If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?” To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”
Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams. I love you, Bills. Write back soon!
Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57. Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL. La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA. Probably in reverse order. Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess. On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.
Andres Torres – To the DL. In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke. On the other hand, you think he can repeat. On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year. I hear you, loyal Razzball reader. It’s a pickle, I tell ya. Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone. It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene. I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.” And that’s me stroking me! Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns. That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.
Barry Zito – Headed to the DL. That’s a baked Zito.
Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something. With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors. Loosen up, Belt!
Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness. See, I usually do that for back itchiness.
Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half. If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has a 2.33 ERA. Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her. Sweet.
Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start. I look forward to not seeing that.
Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank2 won’t get the job back immediately. We saw Frank2 not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back. I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.
Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore. Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.
Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9. I lurve him.
Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday. Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well. Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.
Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well. Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.
Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year. After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.