Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights. Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer. Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year. The closerousel has made me really nauseous. Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it. Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already. I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two. Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans. SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role. Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own. I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.
Jimmy Rollins – It’s official. Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL. Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks. Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4. I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.
Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins. As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”
Miguel Montero – Good news! Well, kinda. He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks. Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.
Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness. He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.
Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR. No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy. Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks. He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs. Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks. Adam Dunn has 7 Ks. Cust kayin’.
Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis. Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year. Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured! I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him. The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda2. Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.
Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368. His health and/or this hitting won’t last. Own him while it does.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats. That should tell you what I think of Porcello.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners. And that’s his downside. Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.
Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday. Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.
C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning. Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”
Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.
Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday. I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.
Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks. Yes, I love strikeout pitchers. Here’s the issue. A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid. Ironic? I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart. B) He was honing his shizz in Japan. Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan? No offense, Sadaharu Oh. C) He walks people. A better hitting team will kill him. D) There is no D. There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks. He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts. What else do you need? He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues. It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned. Come on, people.
Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.
Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday. The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!
Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096. Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”
Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA. Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.
Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks. A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”
Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners. Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit. Fairly well, Bailey.
Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May. I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.
Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday. Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.
Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday. Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row. No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.
Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER. As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”
Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer. I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page. You scroll and come back. Maybe you wait for it. Your choice.
Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday. He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts. Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.
Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130. Playing. Not well. I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him. I see little reason to go back.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer. BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011? Yup.
John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks. Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short. He can be effective verging on yawnstipating. My bigger issue is his injury concernness. Yeah, that’s a word. Eat it, Roget’s!
Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks. Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible. I’m ignoring this burp.
Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back. He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks. You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!
Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby. Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.
Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.
John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Has now put together back-to-back solid starts. Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate. Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.
Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday. Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.
Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts. Never stopped him before though. So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven. Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”
Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday. I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year. To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher. They’re like scabs. Just leave them alone! Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September. You don’t have to keep picking at him.” And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks. Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about? I’m going back to ESPN.”)
Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals. Has a five game hitting streak going. For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues. Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!
Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb. Oh, wait, I read that news wrong. He’s just nursing a sore thumb. NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286. Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.
Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.
B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday. Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once– Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.
Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday. He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post. Ooh…Grey gets a gold star! Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out. Sorry, my H2H team sucks.