Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year. Kudos to those of you who streamed, Humber. A few of our comments on Saturday went like this, “Grabbed Humber for a stream cuz there was no one else, then dropped him before I even realized he pitched a perfect game.” Nice Humberbrag! Before you feel too proud of yourself for being the first to pick up Humber, just remember that the last two guys to throw a perfect game in the AL are Dallas Braden and Mark Buehrle. The only difference between those non-dominating lefties and Humber is that Humber throws right handed and his first name is what I used to call the guy at the gas station when I was a jerky teenager. You know, I gave him an aptronym. Consider this perfect game less a reminder to pick up Phil Humber, but more a reminder that it’s generally a safe bet to stream a pitcher at Seattle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marlon Byrd – Traded to the Red Sox as the player to be named later for an old bet between Epstein and John Henry. Teach Epstein to say, “I bet in eight years the greatest band in the world will be Hoobastank.” Marlon Byrd is a marginal power, not great speed guy that has more real world value, like everyone who’s ever been on The Real World. Think 12 homers, 5 steals. If that excites you, take your meds, you’re excited too easily.
Michael Bowden – The once interesting prospect pitcher went the other way. You can take that both ways, i.e., he’s no longer interesting and he’s headed to the Cubs (and presumably middle relief). I wouldn’t be surprised if Epstein knows something that we don’t know (okay, probably a lot of something) in regards to Bowden, but for now there’s nothing to see here.
Tony Campana – Finally, we’re done with real world value where things matter like bill-paying and not getting annoyed when someone refills the toilet paper so it unrolls under. Put it over so it rolls out! *breathe, Grey, breathe* With the trade of Byrd, Campana was recalled and started in center yesterday where he went 1-for-2. Campana can steal 30 bases in 300 ABs. He’s crazy fast. He just ran into your cubicle, refilled your toner and ran out without you seeing him.
Jarrod Parker – Fat Jonah announced that Parker will be called up by the A’s for Wednesday’s game. Last year, Parker was pretty pedestrian, but that might’ve been him still regaining his control from Tommy John surgery. I just thought of something: If I had something that was terminal and got to “Make a Wish,” my wish would be to have Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John. If Parker strikes out over 8 per nine as he’s done in the minors, gets ground balls and regains his control, he’s the best starter you’re picking up off waivers right now. If he fails to translate his Ks and ground balls, then you have an A’s starter that could roofie you.
Jemile Weeks – 0-for-4, now batting .197. Where’s your manners, Jemile? If he were sucking this bad, Rickie would at least have the decency to get hurt.
Alfredo Aceves – I had this friend from high school, let’s call him Brian, cause that was his name. Brian got a job at a hot dog place that served the best chili I’ve ever had. So Brian got a job at this hot dog place and decided to start putting pubic hair into the chili. Word spread pretty fast and the hot dog place that was there for 25 years was out of business within 6 months. Alfredo Aceves is my friend Brian and that chili is the Red Sox’s closer job.
Daniel Bard – Seems slightly crazy that everyone, except the Red Sox knew Bard should be in the bullpen, but now he’s there. He just went from K to F or M. It might be temporary as his start was rained out, but I’d still grab him in the non-sexual way.
Roy Oswalt – Red Sox and Cards are reaching out to him to pitch for them. Razzball got an exclusive peek at the negotiations! “Roy, have you ever heard of my friend, Benjamin Franklin?” The negotiator pulls out a hundred. Oswalt shakes his head. “Maybe you’ve heard of my friend, John Deere?” Oswalt perks up.
Sergio Santos – To the DL with what I’m calling, “I told you not to draft him in the preseason!” Grab Francisco Cordero immediately. Though, I imagine unless you’re in a league with yourself and nine teams you own under different aliases, he’s gone. Though II: The Return of Though (that the critics dubbed: Why do they keep making Though’s): If you’re in a league against nine of yourself, I appreciate you still reading Razzball even if you might not need quote-unquote advice.
Francisco Cordero – Got the ugly save yesterday after giving up a run. Hey, it’s like he’s been closing all year!
Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Kinda felt this start coming. Still like Duffy’s promise, but he looks about as safe to own as Filthy Sanchez and Hochevar. Imagine the sun is made of walks and their wings are made of Ks.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ugh, just having a real hard time advising to pick up O’s starters, especially one that had declining Ks before coming to this country. I’d let someone else gamble.
Giancarlo Stanton – He says his knee is better. From his mouth to God’s ears… Which I guess is him talking to himself.
Nick Swisher – Had a lovely time in Boston. 5-for-9 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs. Then the lemon butter dill sauce on the Dover Sole at Legal Seafood effectively masked the spit flavoring added by Chef Sully.
Mark Teixeira – M-Teix usually likes Aprils as much as Garfield likes Mondays but May seemed to come a fortnight early this year. After hitting his 1st HR of the year on Thursday, Teixeira hit 2 HRs and a double on Saturday – including an opposite-field HR as a lefty. Our little M-Teix is all May’d up.
Michael Pineda – Had a setback during his rehab, which Girardi deemed “not good.” I’ll add “indeed.”
Adrian Beltre – Adrian’s rocky relationship with his hamstrings continues as he strained one on Saturday. Beltre is headed for an MRI on Monday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstring says some wet blanket bullcrap like, “It’s suicide. You’ve seen your leg, you know how fragile it is….you can’t run!” Then the hamstring complains at Whole Foods when it has to pay full price for a Coppola wine.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Can’t he party with Kinsler and some 19-year-old girls in a bathroom stall every preseason?
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER with a 11+ ERA on the year. To rope fantasy baseballers back in, he’s due for a six unearned run, twelve walk no-hitter.
Frank Francisco – The closerousel continues as Frank Frank gets the dreaded vote of confidence. When a manager, says someone is still their closer that gives them about five days before they’re no longer the closer. I’d pick up Rauch, but wear back support he looks heavy.
Daniel Hudson – To the DL with a shoulder impingement, which is the worst kind of after-start ‘ment a pitcher can get. He’s without a timetable; that’s a nice way to say, “Shizz just got real.” The good news, the MRI revealed no structural damage, but the MRI was at 2-for-1 Ruby Tuesday’s happy hour yesterday. Between Hudson and Collmenter, the Diamondbacks’ stalling on you-know-who just got accelerated. If you don’t know you-know-who, hint: he’s the next blurb.
Trevor Bauer – The Bauer countdown has officially begun. Or said again with a whisper scream as he’s distracted because his daughter is in danger. Scott has Bauer 9th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospects list. There, he compares him to Lincecum. I think he meant that as a compliment. In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s time to start stashing Bauer. I think he’s up within the month, but could depend on Hudson.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs. And here we thought it was Krispie. The D-Backs’ centerfield position is an unknown location in Tibet with mystical powers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. I feel the tide starting to go out on Boesch in the comments. I get it, he’s been terrible so far, but in most leagues I’d try to hold out. He’s in such a great spot in a lineup and Leyland Ron Popeil’s his lineup about as good as anyone.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, you have to own him at this point. He has nearly a K per inning and a 1.13 ERA. I do think the bottom could fall out at any time. Or at least fall relatively back to earth.
Kyle Blanks – To have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. He didn’t blame the injury on carrying around David Eckstein in a bjorn.
Anthony Bass – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Juan Francisco – Homered yesterday as he started at 3rd. Too bad Glass Chipper isn’t due for a setback for another three days.
Jon Jay – Heading to St. Louis for tests on his shoulder. No word if he’s being transported by Clydesdale, but I think that’s the only method of transportation in St. Louis, so maybe it’s implied.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kinda excited for May just so I don’t have to keep talking about this schmohawk in a positive light.
Andrew McCutchen – Batting .351 in the three hole and has 2 RBIs on the year. Guys and (4 ladies), your Pittsburgh Pirates!
Ryan Zimmerman – He was scratched on Saturday (aaah…) and then Sunday was rained out, but he expects his shoulder to be up to snuff for Tuesday. Bob Crane would say that’s hot.
Chad Billingsley – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. Look in the mirror. See that person? They got sucked in by Billingsley.
Freddy Sanchez – Will start Monday his rehab, I said, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.”
Cliff Lee – The Adverb is off to the DL with an oblique injury following his 10 inning scoreless start. Little known fact – Jack Morris had to ice his moustache for a solid week after that memorable 10 inning World Series start. ObLeeque had a strained abdomen with the Mariners in 2010 that cost him a month – hopeful Lee this will be limited to missing 3 starts.
Chris Narveson – Chris Capuano 2.0 looks done for the year with a rotator cuff injury. On the bright side, he now has more time to sell insurance to the fine folks of Punxsutawney.