Phil Hughes - Oh Phillip, you sure had me fooled bud. You were having a nice season and had a very nice matchup with Seattle this week. You’ve always dominated Seattle, Phil. Your career numbers against them were staggering, and here Seattle was, coming into your house. I fully expected the taste of victory, but you pulled an R. Kelly, urinating all over my face, down my throat and even in my eyes, causing temporary blindness as well as hours upon hours of regurgitation. The fact that I would surely be delighted if someone “Nancy Kerrigan’ed” Hughes this weekend almost makes me feel demonic.
Howard Hughes could have put up a superior performance on the mound Wednesday night. And that’s after locking himself in his theater room for months on end, filling up countless milk bottles with calcium enhanced piss. I truly believe in my heart that Howard could have come out of exclusion, walked into Yankee stadium, and shown at least 3 times the testicular fortitude than the constant let down we know as Phil. Hold on. What?? Howard Hughes is dead? Who cares? Dig up his rotting carcass, sprinkle some voodoo on him to get him “movin like Bernie,”and throw him out there. On a side note that down south dance and rap song inspired by the Weekend at Bernies saga is one of the more underrated trends to ever hit the United States and died out much too quickly in my opinion. Peep game
If we all do our part, we may be able to make this song relevant again. He might even be interested in the Razzball podcast but I’d have to host as Capozzi doesn’t speak fluent ebonics. He speaks Canadian though, so that’s cool. Or not. Anyway let’s get to to what else I saw in fantasy this week. Do it like Bernie!
Justin Verlander - Even the almost undisputed Stream-O-Nator couldn’t predict this sort of peasantry out of Verlander. Putting up a -13 on the score board can end your week real quick in points leagues and that now makes 2 atrocious starts in a row. I haven’t liked how he’s looked all year to tell you the truth and frankly, I’m worried. No I didn’t go nerd on you and look up a bunch of stats to support my theory but I know his velocity is down a bit, and this season he’s had more wood make contact with his balls than Ru Paul. I’d look to trade him if I were you. Any man who would break up with this, doesn’t deserve to be on your roster.
Matt Cain - Lucked into a win by getting some strong run support, getting his owners 13 points in the process. We all know how points leagues reward the winners and penalize the losers a lot more than in roto scoring and we all know that Cain has struggled so far this season. What to do, what to do….. Hmmmmm. I’d hold for now as I expect a full turnaround.
Hisashi Iwakuma - Meet your 2013 American league Cy Young winner my friends. If you see I-Wak in the streets bow to him and buy him some saki, for he has probably saved your season from disaster or better yet, taken your team to heights you never imagined possible. The “big Kuma” has become so dominant that his 23 points scored on the road in Yankee stadium, were sort of disappointing. Frankly I expect a 9 nine inning shutout almost every time he hits the mound. This isn’t a fluke. The middle aged Hasashi dominated the entire second half of last season and continues to do so this year with reckless abandon. Like a Kamikaze pilot, he doesn’t save anything for his next time on the mound. Respect it. Hey, I’d rather have Iwakuma than Verlander and I’m not even joking. Think about it.
Mitch Moreland - Cancel all plans of moving Kinsler to first base. My boy Mitchy Slick has erupted to the tune of 26 points this week and is showing no signs of slowing down. Who needs Profar? Not this Moreland owner, I can tell you that much. Like Denzel Washington, Moreland is A Man On Fire, only he’s white of course.
Todd Frazier - Oh gee whiz, what do you know, Frazier has -1.5 points on the week so far. I once loved this young man, not in the way a Catholic Priest loves a young man, but for the player I thought he could be. My belief in him is starting to waver and you may want to start looking for a better option as he may cap out at 20 homers. I was hoping for 30 and have been ridiculed for it by some of the other razzball writers. I’m not jumping ship quite yet, but maybe you should.
Francisco Liriano - I’ve always pulled for Liriano to return to his pre-tommy john form and maybe the time is finally upon us. Seeing tiny glimpses of dominance only to be followed by utter disgrace the past 4-5 seasons, I have pretty much given up hope. Right before he was injured, he was throwing the nastiest stuff I’ve ever seen displayed on the mound. Young children, I kid you not. This man was a future hall of famer and one of my inspirations in life. You may now refer to him as the “butt pirate” but he shall forever be a King in the eyes of God, as well as myself, Tehol Beddict.
Albert Pujols - Every time my Prince Albert starts tingling a Pujols bomb is almost always soon to follow. This slow, injury prone, overpaid old goat can still rake and expecting anything less than 30 dongs would be uncivilized.
Mike Trout - He who doubts the one they call the fish shall be beaten with a tire iron until thou profusely apologizes, so commands the great and powerful Beddict. How dare you let doubt creep into your mind regarding my preseason MVP pick. This points league legend is seemingly going slam and legs on an almost daily basis right now and I expect numbers comparable to last season when all is said and done. Chuuuuch. Preeeeach. Tabernacle.
Rickie Weeks - Chocolate starfish and hot dog flavored water pretty much describe the stench Weeks’s game produces. Watching Weeks play baseball is like watching Andre 300 act. You wanna like him and you respect him for what he did in the past, but something just seems wrong. I’d drop him if there was anyone even remotely serviceable on the waiver wire. Speaking of Andre Benjamin, his song “Roses” is one of the worst songs of all time. How was this popular? The phrase “smells like boo boo” is disgusting and makes me cringe. Who made it cool to use this term. Just say Sh!t for the love of God. I can’t take it! I cannot take Weeks’s play. Bench him.
Jordan Zimmerman - The man I refer to as “White Chocolate” continues to dazzle the national league with his startlingly dominant repertoire of pitches. Why do I call him white chocolate you ask? Because white people aren’t supposed to be this good at sports, that’s why. Kudos to you if you drafted this pitching savant. The 24.5 points he dropped in his first start is only an appetizer for what is yet to come in this two start bonanza.
Travis Wood - Another start, another 27 points. How do people continue to ignore this wizard? Better yet, why did Cincy trade him for a middle reliever? Wood is like Greg Maddux reincarnated right now and I suggest you ride this train till it falls off the track.
Justin Masterson - Heeeeeeeeeeee’s back. Of course he was on my bench.
Patrick Corbin - This run has to end soon…..Doesn’t it?……. DOESN’T IT!?!?!?!?!? This is killing me. Corbs gave me a couple decent starts last year but I didn’t know he had this kind of upside. Enjoy it while you can.
That’s all the time we have this week razzballers. As per usual your questions and comments will swiftly be responded to. Check me out on twitter if you want to be a part of the movement . I received more hate mail last week then ever before, and that is saying something. For any of you “touched” by a catholic priest or Sky growing up, I sincerely apologize. I hope you will continue to read my articles, if only to bash me and demand that Grey fire me. In Beddicts name we pray. Amen.