He’s just lucky his name isn’t Kicked-In Nuts Bailey. If you turned a paper into your English prof and named the homer-prone pitcher, Homer Bailey, your prof would say it’s too expository. But the prof might’ve been more forgiving if you hadn’t named the mayor, Billy Gladhand; the police chief, Officer Corruptski and the fro-yo cashier, Barry Tart. It’s almost too ridiculous to be believable what Homer Bailey did yesterday. He gave up two back-to-back homers in two different innings, while also striking out the side. Who are you, Danny Salazar? No, you are not Danny Salazar! You’re supposed to be more reliable! (Oh, and the game was suspended, but you still get all of Bailey’s glorious stats. Lucky you. Or Yu, if Darvish is reading.) If you play in a Benjamin Netanyahu league were xFIP is a category, you’re doing well. Everyone else would like to kill someone. Potentially me since I advocated drafting Bailey. It takes alligator blood to check raise the bettor, but, after he struck out nine in only five innings yesterday (and gave up a shizz load of homers), I’d say now is the time to buy low on Bailey. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Okay, so the wind might’ve been blowing out yesterday. Across the entire country. Imagine Razzball existed in 1998…. *wavy lines* So, that was Sammy Sosa’s sixteenth game in a row with a homer. I told you to buy him! He could hit 35+ homers this year! I wonder what he’d look like as a white guy with no personality…Oh, Mark McGwire! *wavy lines* Little did we know we’d get to find out what Sosa would look like as a white guy.
Aroldis Chapman – Felt great after 25-pitch session. Better yet, there were no kidnap victims in his hotel suite afterwards and he didn’t have to use his AK. Gotta say, today was a good day.
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I already committed another week to you, you don’t need to keep hitting homers, but fine. Twist my arm!
Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-3 and two homers. Sonavabench! Ugh. First question is obviously why do I even have Gaby Sanchez on a team, let alone on my bench. All good questions. It’s a crazy deep weekly league, and he’s backing up Trumbo. I never intend to play him without an injury. I drafted Gaby because there was this girl I liked in high school named Gaby and benching Gaby was some kind of weird payback, and now she’s getting the last laugh again!
Neil Walker – 3-for-3 and two homers. Elias Sports Bureau said this was Neil Walker’s first two homer game since his last two homer game. Elias Sports Bureau also said most of their statisticians were in Maine on a company retreat.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his first homer. Maybe this will inspire McCutchen to stop loafing and starting hitting some homers! Dubya tee eff, McCutchen, the entire team hit homers yesterday. I think Clint Barmes even hit one and they credited it to Neil Walker.
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 6 ER. It’s a shame Matthew Berry retired; Wandy sucking isn’t nearly as enjoyable when Berry’s not telling people to pick him up. Come back, Berry, the fantasy world’s collective IQ has gone too high!
Curtis Granderson – Left the game after colliding with the wall, but x-rays came back negative. Hey, like his batting average!
Juan Lagares – Pulled a hamstring and will prolly go to the DL. Krispie is due back soon, so whoever the Mets go with will simply be filler, but not yummy filler like Oreo creme, more like the filler used to fill a flat tire so you can drive a 1/2 mile to the gas station.
Lucas Duda – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Looks like a bona fide hot schmotato. Hit a homer a few days ago and hitting over .300 on the year. Not much here over the course of the year, but the choice is yours — Duda-dippity.
Zack Wheeler – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. He’s looked like a large heaping of whatevs, but it’s still early and I do like him. I’d try to be patient.
Coco Crisp – Sat out Monday, but it’s a day-to-day thing. A’s just want Crisp fresh like lettuce.
Scott Kazmir – Expects to make his next start. There’s still plenty of time for him to get injured this year, don’t worry.
Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Oh, that’s nice. Yeah, a little lower on the ERA. Yeah, that’s very nice. Now a little higher on the Ks. Oh, keep going right there. I told you on Friday, “(Chavez’s) numbers are worth owning in any league.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m guessing people will pay attention now that he’s thrown a beautiful game. Hey, whatever it takes, now grab him!
Ernesto Frieri – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Shouldn’t be in danger of losing the job yet. But on the fo’really tip, there’s like three teams in the majors where the best reliever on a team is actually that team’s closer.
Trevor Bauer – An excerpt from the hastily made Cleveland tourism video says Francona is considering Bauer for the rotation and moving Carrasco into the bullpen. Don’t mind if I do! I was pretty blasé on Bauer’s last call-up, but that was because it was a spot start. If he’s in the rotation, then it’s all hands on that hard body.
Francisco Cervelli – To the DL with Grade 2 hammy strain. Essentially that means his hammy strain is adding and subtracting and playing footsies with a girl it likes/hates.
Matt Moore – Headed for Tommy John surgery that he didn’t want. His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, mom’s spaghetti. Hasta la pasta until 2015.
Manny Machado – Cleared for extended spring training games after 90-foot sprints. In related news, I’ve found a nine-foot area in my place where I get service from Sprint.
Michael Cuddyer – Slammed into the wall because Morneau is playing 1st base which is stupid and beyond me but the Rockies haven’t made a good move with their 1st base position since Todd Helton was hitting .350. Cuddyer has a right elbow contusion and it sounds like he might not miss too much time.
Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and out-pitched by Roenis Elias (6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks). The only reason why you’re considering Lewis for your fantasy team is because you know he’s had success in the league. Albeit, 16 months ago. You have one of those Watch List things? Okay, put Lewis on that and go back to finishing your Cheerios.
Dustin Pedroia – Diagnosed with wrist inflammation and is expected to avoid a DL stint. He played 160 games last year with a damaged ligament in his thumb, so hopefully his grit, heart and other intangibles are in full working order.
Koji Uehara – His shoulder MRI came back clean. Sounds like he’ll avoid the DL, which puts his owners at direct odds with Mujica’s. They should spar. Winner gets the saves and the Iron Throne. Mujica will probably still get a save or two, so I wouldn’t drop him yet.
Logan Morrison – Has a tight hamstring and is considered day-to-day. Ironically, his favorite book is Logan’s Run.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Thankfully, Mesoraco also hit a homer or we’d have a mutiny on our hands. You don’t want a mutiny on your hands. It leaves a stain.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-4, 1 run. Maybe he realized Spring Training ended.
Trevor Cahill – Moved to the bullpen and the nation tweeted #archiebradleytime and Kirk Gibson tweeted hashtagBolsinger. He didn’t know the pitching coach meant he should put the hashtag sign and not spell it out. Mike Bolsinger will be a part time fill-in for Cahill’s rotation spot until Bradley’s ready, probably June or July. Bolsinger isn’t much of a prospect — had a 4.06 ERA between Double and Triple-A last year. His last name is street for very loose tighty-whiteys, but that’s more of a trivia fact than anything.
Cody Ross – News said he was shooting to return from his hip injury this Friday. That would mean he’s literally shooting from the hip.
Maicer Izturis – Will miss 4-6 months with a ligament tear in his knee. The injury occurred while he was going down the dugout steps. This is why I always use the escalator.
Doug Fister – Threw a bullpen session. Mr. Fister is working back from a broken wing.
Bryce Harper – Left the game with quad tightness. This is just a day-to-day type thing that he’s getting known for. Hey, don’t get known for that. Get known for hitting homers, not into walls!
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. He got his Zimmermann power back now that Ryan Zimmerman is out. You are singular, Jordan, don’t let that other guy bring you down!
Sandy Leon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Governor Christie said he would’ve reined in Sandy before it did any damage.
Marcell Ozuna – Didn’t start yesterday. Was on crutches after fouling a ball of his foot. Why can’t I have anything nice?
Rafael Furcal – Ready for a rehab assignment. When told that would require running, Furcal said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”
Garrett Jones – 1-for-3 and back-to-back days with a homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Lynn inadvertently brings up a good point. Pitchers will get lucky, unlucky and downright doggish and humma-humma sexy, but they are what they are. Coming into this game, he had a 6.55 ERA, and he’s not a 6.55 ERA pitcher, unless he’s hurt. He wasn’t hurt and now his ERA is down to 4.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Before the game, Peralta gave fellow PEDs suspension-mate, Braun, a thumbs up and Braun just shook his head, yelling, “Not cool, bra!” Then Matt Adams turned, “Bra?” Jhonny is four for his last eight, and hitting .150, which won’t last, so he’s due to get hot.
A.J. Burnett – Has a hernia but won’t miss his Wednesday start. The balls on this guy!
Roberto Hernandez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. It’s not easy to only strikeout three Braves. I mean, The Upton Bros. is at least two and that’s only counting B.J.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Tehol just got fined for excessive celebration.
Craig Kimbrel – Wasn’t used yesterday because of what Fredi Gonzalez said was ‘normal soreness’ in his shoulder. Oh! That soreness! That’s nothing! Isn’t that what they said about Beachy? And Minor? And Medlen? Good ol’ shoulder soreness, it’s nearly a good ol’ shoulder soiree! I grabbed David Carpenter everywhere I could just in case this gets worse before it gets better.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks which tied his career high in strikeouts. Why do I prefer National League pitchers? Exhibit A: Ervin Santana’s suddenly a strikeout pitcher in the NL. Exhibit B: They face the opposing pitcher. Exhibit C: There is no Exhibit C! Case closed!
Dan Uggla – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. He conceded it had less to do with the swing adjustments he made in the offseason and more to do with the Affliction shirt he was wearing under his jersey. That’s not the first time Jersey and Affliction shirts have been in the same sentence.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers. I swear, there’s been people asking if they should drop Gattis. He’s hitting .303 with three homers. Over .300 is better than he should be doing, I hate to see what happens when he’s actually hitting .250. Stop picking your catcher scab!
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer in as many games. You’ll take it and like it, but this is a guy who looked like he had 7-homer power and 25-steal speed in the minors. Maybe Gordon Shumway is the only one that can truly understand Andrelton.
B.J. Upton – 0-for-3, 1 run, 2 steals, hitting .180. It’s weird how now that I’m married when I think of B.J. I think of striking out.