Last year, the Buy/Sell brought you such brilliant ideas as “Grady Sizemore is gonna bounce back big time!” and “I don’t believe a concussion can knock a player out for a full year… Can I get a Morneau?!” Buy/Sell, “You know, I don’t point all of your crappy suggestions… Vernon Wells as a sleeper? 2003 called and said it wants its sleeper back. You’re lucky I even returned this year. A.J. Mass was talking about buying me an acre of land in Kentucky and letting me run around with all of his stolen base draft picks.” So, this is the first Buy/Sell of the season. Every Friday there will be a new one. Buy/Sell, “Not if we continue to get along like this.” Right now Eric Thames is owned in 1.3% of ESPN leagues. I guess I’m a one-point-three percenter because I just picked him up in one of my leagues. Let’s see what we know for sure about Thames: A) He’s the starting left fielder for a team that will score a lot of runs. B) If Lind’s back continues to hurt him (I hope not, but being realistic) and Edwin Encarnacion goes back to being Encrapcion, then Thames could bat as high as cleanup. C) There’s no C. D) He hit 12 homers in 95 games last year. E) He could steal 5 to 7 bases and, if he can steal 5 to 7 bases, he could steal 10 bases. F) See C. G) He’s 25 years old. H) I’m kinda stretching to get to Z, but I don’t think I’ll ever make it. I) He had a great OBP in the minors. J) He does strike out a lot though. Hmm, that’s not a positive. K-P) Power is a lot harder to find on waivers. He’s got it. Q) Bert. R) I ranked Thames 57th for outfielders. Above some schmohawks like Kubel, Revere, Span, Carlos Lee, etc. S) Etc. T) Etc. U-W) Etc. Y) Cause. Z) Whew. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in 2012 fantasy baseball:
Lorenzo Cain – Let’s see, Carlos Quentin is owned in 38% of ESPN leagues and Cain is owned in 28%, but only 95% of teams have drafted already, but 60% of those public ESPN teams have already abandoned their team and joined a Yahoo league instead because ESPN is a piece of crap roster managing site… I’m sure glad ESPN made it easy to find the Transactions Log for teams. It’s much more important to have Referenda accessible, right? More like Reeferenda, as in what they were smoking when they designed their fantasy site. What does this have to do with Cain…Sugar!? Nothing really, but I’ve talked about him enough, just pick him up.
Jose Tabata – He’s only owned in 11% of leagues and that’s actually dropped in the last week. Did I miss something about him? Why’s he being dropped? For s’s and g’s? In that case, drop Denard Span for s’s and g’s and pick up Tabata.
Zack Cozart – I can’t imagine who’s reading this doesn’t own Cozart, so I’m writing this for everyone who’s not reading. Hey, gooftard, go back to ESPN!
Chris Parmelee – Supposed to be the Twins starting first baseman. This sounds crackers to me. Not sure how Mauer, Doumit and Morneau are all gonna see 1st base and DH time. Could leave Doumit severely crunched for playing time. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near Parmelee. There’s not a lot of upside (maybe 15 homers), he’s playing his home games in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and Doumit/Morneau/Mauer will all steal time from him.
Josh Donaldson – The starting 3rd baseman for the Oakland A’s is… Josh Donaldson? Colby’s brother? Is he as bonkers as Russell’s nephew? Yeah, Donaldson has about as much upside as a case of hemorrhoids — hey, at least I get to rub my ass with ointment! But Donaldson has catcher eligibility. Probably the best second catcher in a 2-catcher league you’re gonna find for under five bucks at your auction.
Jeff Samardzija – The only thing holding him back from being successful is his control. So far this spring, he has 16 Ks and one walk. Keith Law commented this is the best he’s ever seen him, then he tweeted some pompous thing about Russian literature and coq au vin. It’s worth an add on Samardzija, but I’m not sure I’d start him his first time out.
Lance Lynn – Will fill in for Carpenter in the early part of the season and put a country-western album in August, “Lance Lynn Sings: My WHIP Drives Around No Heartaches.”
Jonathon Niese – Here’s what I said in the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, “(Niese) had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher. Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better. All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jonathan Broxton – Broxton’s got back, and saves apparently. Yes, you should grab him. SAGNOF!
Henry Rodriguez – Could get saves, will get Ks, could hurt your WHIP. 6 of one, half dozen of another and six of a negative. That’s 6, which is not a prime number. Oh, no!
Brad Lidge – Should be first to get saves in Washington. Not to throw a bucket of cold urine on Storen owners, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Lidge gets more saves than Storen this year.
Chris Carpenter – I don’t know, I guess I wouldn’t drop him. I guess I’d DL him if I already drafted him against my advice. But I sure as heckfire wouldn’t draft him now, if you haven’t drafted yet.
Kendrys Morales – People are really excited about him right now. I heard the other day he saved a kitten from a tree…By ripping said tree from the ground and gently placing it down next to the kitten’s baby mama. It’s a moving story. As discussed in our fantasy baseball podcast, Morales isn’t going to see enough at-bats in 12 team mixed leagues. I wouldn’t drop Morales out right because of the previously aforementioned enthusiasm that I already mentioned aforementionedly. I would see if I could get something for him in a trade. Maybe a cheap Donkeycorn.
Mark Trumbo – Guys and four girl readers, where is he playing? The Sciosciapath said he’d get 40 games at 3rd. That’s not over the course of 40 games, that’s over the course of the season. Where is he playing the other 120 games? Angels playing with two DHs?
Daniel Murphy – He’s owned in 92% of ESPN leagues. A guy with 12 homer upside?! I feel like Matthew Modine in Short Cuts saying, “He said, ‘You want to have a go at it?’” A guy with 12 homer upside?! Two homers a month?! This is Grey’s brain. This is Grey’s brain baffled.
Drew Storen – Splash! That was the bucket of cold urine. A closer who can’t throw in Spring Training because of arm troubles is, um, trouble. I wouldn’t trade Storen for an opened bag of candy corn from Halloween ’95, but I’d explore options.