Rudy went into his fantasy laboratory and came up with yet another tool. This, guys and four girl readers, is the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool. It’s about as easy to use as any of the other tools combined. It’s called the Buysellatops and it looks like this. It talks instead of grunting or whatever dinosaurs did. Actually, they could’ve talked. We don’t know. Maybe The Land of the Lost was a documentary. Who’s to say? The Buysellatops has two things on its mind this week, how can we get rid of all of these pollutants and gravity so I can graze the roof? And how little can I buy Jason Heyward for? Sometimes all the planets align for a great buy, this week is one of those days. This day is one of those weeks? You know what I mean. Heyward has just about reached his nadir. Unless he has a season-ending injury tonight, there’s no way he can be worse. His BABIP is silly terrible. Right now, he’s hitting line drives into the gap and it’s hitting a pelican and falling into the outfielder’s glove. If he hits .330 from now until October, it wouldn’t surprise me. He is not a one hundred-something hitter. He has power and speed. Here’s a comparison for ya — he can be as good as Adam Jones the rest of the year. Rarely do you get a chance to buy low on such a highly ranked hitter, but here’s your chance. As Buysellatops would say, “Get Heyward, and maybe some suntan lotion from Buchholz. This sun is so much stronger than I remember it.” Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jason Castro – He doesn’t have the respect for family like Salvador Perez, who only last week said, “My hip hurts, but we’re here to play, right?” Then took a week off because his grandmother is doing scratch-off tickets in the big convenience store in the sky. Without the love for mi familia, Castro is batting third for not the worst team offensively (pitching is a different story).
Yasmani Grandal – I’m hesitant to mention OBPWulf because for some reason with catchers you people don’t adhere to the cliche of “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” and are all “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” (because those bastards water their lawn to make us look bad). I guarantee 98% of you who pick up Grandal will be bored out of their mind with him. Grandal is great for OBP and two-catcher leagues. In most of your leagues, he doesn’t work so well. Great, buy on him, Grey…you couldn’t sell chinchilla fur coats to Eskimos! Thanks, Random Italicized Voice. Eskimos love chinchilla! I get it, Random Italicized Voice. I don’t think you do.
Erik Kratz – I’m giving you a lot of catcher options this week because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Yonder Alonso – Right now, Rudy’s battling for first in our RCL league and has Alonso as his first baseman. He also drafted Ike Davis and Chris Carter. Yikes.
Emilio Bonifacio – The only reason I keep pushing him is because I know that he could go on a month-long stretch where he’s the best middle infielder in the game due to his speed.
Anthony Rendon – Sometimes you need hard-hitting analysis to buy into a guy. Sometimes you just have to realize there’s no way someone (Espinosa) can play with a fracture in his wrist. I mean, c’mon, it’s ludicrous that he’s even still playing and I got what I knows in different area codes.
Zack Cozart – In the last seven days, Cozart has produced a $14 value. To give you a real world example, you’re at your draft and Cozart goes for $1 and you’re like, “Wow, he should’ve went for $14. What a bargain!” To give you another real world example, Eric Nies works at your car wash and you have a good laugh at his expense.
Erick Aybar – He’s been Vin Diesel trying to act bad so far this year, but he’s in a great place to succeed. Kinda just needs to connect the dots for a top 10 shortstop season. Our rest of the season Player Rater tends to agree too. BTW, that Player Rater knows the future and it sends its condolences for your schnauzer, Arfer Woofruff. Nothing could’ve been done.
Jurickson Profar – Has to get everyday playing time at some point. I mean, Ron Washington can’t be that high on the Devil’s Dandruff, can he?
Josh Reddick – He’s back from an ‘undisclosed’ injury which required him to apply liberal amounts of Gold Bond Medicated Powder, and now Reddick’s feeling much better.
David Lough – SAGNOF!
Marcell Ozuna – I can’t generate enough energy to grab a Marlins hitter…Luckily, Al Gore, Planet Master and Internet Founder, built windmills made from Ike Davis’s swing to generate energy to grab Ozuna. Thanks, Al Gore!
Lucas Duda – Won’t you pick him up and be dazzled? Oops, I meant, you won’t pick him up and be dazzled. Eh, tomato-hot schmotato.
Aaron Hicks – Weird how excited you people were for Hicks in the preseason, but now I have to beg people to own him. Y’all crazy!
Jackie Bradley – Do you remember where you were the day Jackie Bradley walked three times? I remember where I was. I was sitting on my couch wondering if Jeffrey truly appreciates The Barefoot Contessa.
Chris Johnson – Juan Francisco was tagged Dead For being Ass (more commonly referred to as DFA) and Johnson will see the everyday ABs now. As I say to the ladies, make some room for Johnson!
Vinnie Pestano – Francona went with the paisan over Captain Joe Smith, the Native American “liberator.” I think Smith is a better bet for Indians, I’m not being politically incorrect. I mean the team.
Francisco Rodriguez – K-Rod says to the Brewers, “All your save belongs to me,” then he throws the father of Bernie the Brewer into the water cooler.
Robert Coello – If Scioscia were Francona, Coello would’ve had the closer job already. Or he would’ve been at least in charge of slicing the garlic for the gravy.
Chris Archer – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and go to it.
Brandon Beachy – Will return in about two weeks. Do I like Beachy? For shore!
Jerome Williams – For Jerry W., I went to the Stream-o-Nator, scrolled down until I found a guy that wasn’t owned in that many leagues while ignoring Joe Blanton. SON, “I feel used. I’m lonely. I wish I was a dishwasher so Hitter-Tron would hump me.”
Dan Straily – Has had two great starts in a row and is about to go against a team that has a .293 OBP and strikes out more than someone who owns Super Castlevania.
Jarrod Parker – Is at home against those same White Sox. If that’s not a good start, my name is not Grey Periwinkle Albright.
Zack Wheeler – I have 17,000 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards that says this Mets rookie can’t fail.
Kyle Kendrick – In his last few starts– Oh, who are we kidding? He’s about to face the Marlins.
Corey Kluber – He’s come to a crossroads. Kluber is either going to take the path of great resistance and become a 12-team, mixed league worthwhile starter because of his great 9+ K-rate and tremendous 2.91 xFIP, while going against the Rays and Yankees in his next two starts. Or Kluber will return to being a marginal AL-Only starter and get turned away for wearing ripped jeans, go home and change, only to return to find out it’s Latin Night and all the women are 50+ and the men are wearing so much cologne he has a sneezing fit and is rushed to the hospital.
Dustin Pedroia – He has a torn UCL. For playing with that, he gets major real baseball points. You know when you go to the beach and your cooler spills, but you still eat your tuna salad sandwich even though it rolled on the beach? That’s Pedroia, he eats gritty tuna. This isn’t great news from a fantasy perspective. He’s on pace for only 10 homers, and the power drought might be coming from his torn UCL. If you have a Son of Sam Horn in your league that thinks Pedroia should be bronzed while wearing a cape on the Cape with the Kennedys, then I’d explore offers.
Vernon Wells – Can you even get anything for him? Use him as a little Splenda in a trade? I don’t know, maybe. Either way, I think he’s reverting to the guy who lost his fantasy value a few years ago. Just as the Angels seem to be turning around too. Hmm… Maybe when the Angels flap their wings it causes a Vernon Wells hurricane.
Mark Trumbo – Hey, it’s my annual Sell guy in June! Hey, annual Sell guy in June, say hello to your mother for me! Let’s hit you with some cold hard facts. Last year after the All-Star Break, Trumbo hit .227 and lost his everyday job in September. He had 10 homers after the All-Star Break, but 8 of those came in July, which five coming in the first week after the All-Star Break. Once August hit, he was hot garbage holding up folded aluminum foil to its face. I wouldn’t sell him for Jeff Keppinger and two Yodels, but I’d look into trading him.