Ryan Zimmerman recently admitted to the Washington Post that his shoulder isn’t at 100%. I recently admitted to the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston Alumni magazine that my pinkie finger has been acting up. I go to type up some fantasy baseball advice and it looks like this, “I drafted Ryan Zimmerman, that piece of @#$%^&*” I don’t reach for the Shift key and symbols, but my pinkie involuntary adds them. I’m trying to curse and all I get is @#$%^&*. Now, you’re thinking no biggie, but what happens when this seeps into my everyday life? I stub my toe and yell out dollar sign, asterisk, ampersand and people are gonna think I’ve gone completely crackers. But even with this limitation, I’ve managed to put out some decent fantasy baseball advice, like today when I tell you Ryan Zimmerman is a mother@#$%^&*. I wish I never drafted this son of a @#$%^&*. If he lived in a house rather than a cave in Afghanistan with the rest of the terrorists, I’d pay him a visit. In most leagues, I’d just drop his stupid @#$%^&* face. In deeper leagues, maybe you can trade him to someone that thinks he’ll turn it around. Yeah, he hit 12 homers last year in just under 400 ABs. You might be lucky to get that this year from this richly imbued @#$%^&*sucker. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Moss – He’s hit 6 homers in the last week. That’s obviously unsustainable. Why, Grey, don’t have faith? He call your mustache a herpes hider? No, Random Italicized Voice, because unless his name is Barry Bonds and he’s doing steroids, no one hits 6 homers a week, every week. His K-rate is obscene, and not the good obscene like on the popup window of your favorite site, but the bad obscene like on the popup window of your favorite site that sneaks behind your browser, then comes forward at the worst possible time. Frequent Commenter, Oaktown Steve, had an interesting theory he put in the comments yesterday, “Seems like the A’s find these guys and get a couple of solid weeks out of them and then they hit the wall like a Greek woman turning 40. My theory is that there’s this crazy motivation/focus that kicks in when guys go, ‘Here’s my first/last shot at big league playing time,’ and they go nuts, but it’s always unsustainable, of course.” And that’s me quoting Oaktown Steve!
Brandon Belt – I wrote a song for Brandon Belt. If you’d indulge me, here it is, “Don’t go changing pants to try and please me… Belt never let me down before… I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble, like when I wanted to remove my pants for a doodie bubble… I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times… I’ll take Belt just the way you are… Don’t go tryin’ some new fashion… Don’t go changing the color of what you wear… You always have my unspoken passion… Although I might not seem to care for Bochy’s head that’s the size of a medium-sized day care…” It’s a work in progress.
Cody Ross – The movement to have him change his name to Code Rossi has started to take form, in that I appointed myself leader of said movement. We need a Vice-Me that will put the movement in motion. I’m thinking we need a Facebook page and then make that go viral. Accepting resumes. Also, Rossi is good for some power and counting stats in a nice lineup/park.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – He’s hit three homers in the last week and if you pick him up right now, you’ll get 20% off your next Ikea purchase but then you have to pay 20% extra if you want a manual of how to put one of those blasted things together.
Coco Crisp – What good is a Buy column without one solid SAGNOF outfielder? Nada, nada, nada damn thing.
John Mayberry Jr. – Has 4 homers in the last week. Want more? You’re being greedy. You need to re-watch Family Man.
David Murphy – Smoking hot right now. If smoking means moderately and hot means warm, but moderately warm isn’t an effective call to action.
Logan Morrison – Two homers this week and the difference between Morrison and, say, Murphy is that Morrison is probably only hot for the week, but may stay valuable for the rest of the season.
Anthony Rizzo – I know I’ve told you to pick him up for about a month now, but I predict within the next week Rizzo’s gonna be called up. I already went over my Anthony Rizzo fantasy. I wrote it while writing my Trevor Bauer fantasy and my Danny Hultzen fantasy. ETAs: Rizzo by next Friday, Bauer and Hultzen by right after the All-Star break. If someone held a gun to my head asking me which pitcher would come up first from those two. I’d say, “Really? A gun? That seems kinda extreme just for prospect news. But, fine, Hultzen.”
Zack Cozart – Dusty’s left him at the top of the order for the whole season and it looks like he’s going to come close to a line of 95/15/45/.260/5. Have I seen better? Yeah. Will he probably be a sleeper again next year? Yup. Do these questions have anything to do with picking him up this week? Nope.
Everth Cabrera – I don’t want to like Drake, but I find myself listening to his last album on repeat entire days at a time. If you need steals from the MI slot, last name: Cabrera, first name: Ever.
Chris Nelson – If I were giving Chris Nelson a Yelp review, I’d give him two stars, but tell you to try him in the next month in NL-Only leagues. Then I’d go on a diatribe about something that has nothing to do with the food and mark him down another star. Yelp, “We give people a chance to write and have it disguised as a restaurant critique.”
Dillon Gee – You’re looking at a guy that could modestly give you a 8+ K-rate and an under-4 ERA. Gee, who would’ve thunk that? I don’t know, third base.
Nate Eovaldi – Hey, it’s the guy Lasorda discovered while on his vacation to Italy. Tommy had this to say, “I went over to the Dr. Melfi Coast looking for a nice place to retire with Mrs. Lasorda. Mrs. Lasorda is what I call my Dodgers cap. My wife is Sugarbum. So, I was at the Dr. Melfi, teaching my distant cousins how to play catch with tomatoes. It helps soften them before you make gravy. And this one paisan, Eovaldi, had an arm like Pepitone when he was throwing drugs out the window on a routine traffic stop. I put Eovaldi and two cases of olive oil you can’t get in the states into my suitcase and brought them home. No one on the Dodgers asked me to do any of this, but until they make the locks stronger on the clubhouse door, I will continue to show up uninvited with Italian prospects.” Eovaldi is pitching over his head — literally — right now with his ERA and mediocre K-rate, but he’s a solid NL-Only guy with mixed league matchups appeal.
Chris Archer – Imagine Crazy Eddie describing Archer, “His Ks are innnnnnnnsane!” Continue picturing Crazy Eddie, “His control is innnnnnnnsane!” Now picture Eddie Gaedel. He doesn’t say anything, just picture him. Funny, huh? I’d grab Archer in AL-Only and deeper mixed leagues for Ks and upside. He’s got lots of risk though with his 5+ walk-rate in Triple-A.
Jarrod Parker – Someone’s gonna need to tie the A’s shoelaces because they’re already wearing kid gloves with Parker, pushing him back a day. This will become more of an issue in the 2nd half of the year. But enough of that now! Grab Parker because his ratios are 2.82/1.25.
Derek Norris – I just went over this catcher/veejay this morning. If you scroll down, you’ll burn seven calories. Sorry, FDA makes me list the caloric information. If you just want to click my Derek Norris fantasy, there ya go, but that’s only 3 calories burned.
Joaquin Benoit – “How dare you end the Buy column with closers?!” That’s you standing on the ledge of a building. Me, “That building is only one story. If you jump, you might twist an ankle.” You, “You want me to do something rasher over something as trivial as who’s ending your Buy column?” Me, “Yeah.” Valverde should be back in a few days, so in the mean’s while Ben-Wah is Ben-Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bah.
Carlos Marmol – The Cubs returned to Marmol as their closer so they could pump up his trade value. I have nothing to back that up other than the sense my mama gave me. By the way, when I was born, I emerged from the womb and said, “Booya.” True story.
Krispie Young – Unlike Ryan Zimmerman’s Sell/Dump/Do Whatever You Want With, I’m writing this blurb through tears… Hey, guy sitting below me, stopping cutting those onions! Krispie and I had a good run for about a month. It was April. You and I were on better terms. You didn’t yet hate me for advising you to start you-know-who you-know-when. Our rapport is on the rocks now, last time I burped you said “Excuse me” before I even had a chance to excuse myself. I’m sorry; I’ll buy you a car*. Krispie looks like he’s playing hurt. I don’t know what you can get for him in shallower leagues, but I suggest you try to get it. In most of those leagues, he’s droppable. In deeper leagues, I’d take anything in a trade, praying the other guy thinks Young still has some “Krispie creamed that one” in his bat. (*Offer for car not good in any locale on Earth. And, if E.T.’s are reading this, what do you want with a car?)