That title is very confusing if you have a lisper reading it to you. Why you’re having someone else read it to you, let alone a lisper doesn’t make any sense. You can’t find a better-qualified Task Rabbit? Put down your soy capp-a-latte and find a better intern; you owe it to yourself. Last year, Justin Upton had a problem with his thumb. He hit 8 homers the first 4 months of the season. After he took off his hand guard and his thumb felt better, he hit nine homers in the final two months. Chase Headley doesn’t have Chase Field or Headley Field, for that matter. He also doesn’t have any offense around him. Literally. He’s hitting in front of Nadir Bupkis and behind Tumble Weeds Jr., and now he’s out for a month to six weeks, at least. I mentioned Upton because I’m trying to get through that thick melon on your shoulders how important hands are for hitters. Headley has gone from a high-ranked, 3rd baseman looking to repeat last year to a risky DL stash that isn’t much more than a corner man. In the top 20 3rd baseman for 2013 fantasy baseball and the top 400, I moved Headley way down. I wouldn’t touch him with his thumb, fingeratively. A fractured thumb is non-violent, but for fantasy it’s Headley. Double pun point! On a related note that’s a tangent closer than most of what you’ve read, Gyorko could move to 3rd base and might take an extra month to gain 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Tyler Skaggs – Optioned to the minors. Diamondbacks’ GM Kevin Towers said, “I refuse to build up any prospects’ value by letting them succeed in the majors. They need to be traded when they are at their lowest value.” He then mailed an envelope with a stamp depicting an upside-down plane.
Randall Delgado – Is making a push for the 5th spot in the Diamondbacks rotation and to be traded by July 31st. Delgado’s teetering on that seesaw (or is it seesawing on the teeter-totter?) between valuable as an NL-Only pitcher and barely rosterable in mixed leagues. If he can knock a walk off his per nine this year, he could swing things to him being plucked out of the mixed league waiver sandbox. Right now, I’d put him at a 7+ K/9 and a 4+ BB/9. That’s shorthand for a low-4 ERA, 1.40 WHIP and a 125 Ks over 160 IP. Though, Pat Corbin, aka Mr. Big, could win the 5th starter job in Arizona.
Matt Garza – Working his way back from a lat injury, he played catch from 75 feet. Trevor Bauer pfft’d.
Scott Baker – Woke up with elbow soreness. Must’ve been having a dream about his brother from another mother, Dusty. Candyman: Part 12 starring Dusty Baker! “Your arm is tired? Then let me give you the hook. Muahahahahaha…” Scott Baker wasn’t due back until mid-April, now he’s gonna have an MRI on his elbow. I’m gonna guess that the MRI will see its shadow and Baker will have 6 more weeks of a DL stint.
Stephen Drew – Going to see a concussion specialist. If you don’t think a concussion can knock a player out for a year, can I get a Morneau?!
Pablo Sandoval – Diagnosed with a nerve irritation. Why the noive of that nerve! He should be fine in a few days after some rest and a box of Rocky Road fudge. (The box of Rocky Road fudge was written on his doctor’s note in Pablo’s handwriting.)
Yu Darvish – Was scratched with a stiff neck. I picture Adrian Beltre raking Yu’s neck with a pocket comb.
Phil Hughes – Yesterday, he threw a simulated game. Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1984 Detroit Tigers are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup. Damn you, Lou Whitaker! Hughes could be ready for the 2nd week of the season; the first time the Yanks need a fifth starter.
Grant Balfour – Doctors said his knee will be fine to make his spring debut on Thursday, just no Bernie’ing. Balfour should be good for Opening Day. SAGNOF!
Juan Francisco – The position battle that no one but me seems to care about heated up yesterday as Francisco went deep a day after Chris Johnson delivered a homer. This is like Ali-Frazier. Or Hannahan-Frazier.
Jhoulys Chacin – Named the Rockies Opening Day starter. Ah, nothing says spring like teams announcing their Opening Day starter and preparing to clean snow off their field.
Scott Diamond – Will make his first start of the season on April 12th. His mom, Selma, would’ve been so proud.
Jayson Werth – Feels better about his wrist, but isn’t sure if or when he’ll regain all his power. FWIWerth, that’s not a great sign, i.e., nothing’s changed when I put him in an unfavorable outfielder tier.
Chris Carpenter – Told the media that it’s unlikely he’ll pitch ever again. Geez, Carpenter, such a martyr.
Chris Perez – Saying his shoulder is 100 percent and will be ready for Opening Day. On The History Channel’s The Bible, there was a donkeycorn with a strong resemblance to Chris Perez. Coincidence?
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Dice-K failed to crack the Indians’ mediocre staff and will be reporting to AAA Columbus or, as the Japanese press call it, Ay Carumba!