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Greetings! It is I, Tehol Beddict, back again with more H2H and points League advice. You might ask yourself, “How are these posts any different than the regular fantasy posts?” Well for one, I write them, so they have a different perspective for you. For two, I am known as one of the 5 greatest head to head fantasy baseball players in the United States so I have credentials that literally only 4 other men/women can say they have. And for 3, don’t you dare ever think to ask yourself that question again. Take heed, for you shall benefit fantasy wise and even more importantly, have an enjoyable reading experience with America’s one and only model/fantasy writer. Come now sirs, let me service you.

Kenley Jansen - As I, Tehol Beddict predicted, Jansen has taken the league (no pun intended) by storm, unleashing the power I once believed only the elder Gods possessed. This was foretold by an oracle I laid eyes upon while searching for the perfect mankini modeling site in Egypt. I asked Grey for permission before the season began to write an article about how ridiculous the Brandon League signing was and how even more asinine it was to name League the closer. Right after that convo I was whisked away to Australia to be photographed naked in a tank filled with Great White Sharks and I proceeded to forget all about my League article. Watch for me on shark week.

Ichiro Suzuki - I’ll take an Ichi-roll please. Extra Wasabi. This old man is hot ya’ll. I’ve grabbed in all leagues and I suggest you do the same if you have room for some cheap speed and a solid average. You never know with this future hall-of-famer: He might hit 330 for a couple months straight. It wouldn’t surprise me at all and frankly I’m shocked and somewhat offended more teams weren’t after Ichi-San this off-season as I feel in my huge heart that he would start for almost any team in baseball. Like Sean Connery, Suzuki has aged like a fine wine and has 20.5 fantasy points through Thursday. You’re the man now dog!!

Hanley Ramirez -Imagine a Catholic Priest’s excitement level after being told he would be running a summer camp for teenage boys. That’s how jacked I am about Han-Ram’s performance since returning from that bad hammy. With Puig continuing to rake, Kemp back in the lineup, and Crawford on the mend this lineup will be causing damage. Sit back and enjoy the ride cuz the wait was worth what we’re about to receive. Kind of like when you play the friend zone with that hot chick for years then she gets black out drunk and lets you smash. I don’t do friend zone but I’m sure many of you do. Kudos to you if you have a similar tale to the one I just mentioned, for you earned that one nighter.

Matt Wieters - I’m not sure who disappoints me more these days: Wieters or Aaron Hernandez. Both are extremely handsome young men with all the talent in the world. One is involved with at least 3 homicides as well as taking his homey’s eye out. The other just sucks at baseball. Every year I select Wieters in almost all my leagues. And every year I regret my decision, similar to the time I didn’t tap Jodie Sweetin in rehab. Meth-amphetamine is a helluva drug folks. Wieters’s college teammates referred to him as God. His Major League teammates just call him fraud. It astounds me that “Fraud’s” skill set has yet to be fully transferred to the majors and I’m thinking it never will. He obviously has enough talent to fool one of the greatest fantasy players of all time (Tehol Beddict) into drafting him season after season so maybe he just has no marbles.

Jeff Locke - The man. The myth. The legend. Jeff Locke baby. I haven’t witnessed a man this hot since Justin Bieber first popped on the scene. You’re like “Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey ooooooh. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey nooooo. Thought you’d always be mine.” Yea, that’s what you may feel like if you dumped Locke after streaming him for a couple magnificent starts only to unexpectedly witness the magic continue. Like Biebs, you thought Locke to be a one-hit wonder and you were dead MF’ing wrong. “Beauty and a beat” anyone? 25 points in Locke’s last start in Seattle? Is it real son, is it really real son? Let me know it’s real son, if it’s really real. Something I could feel son, load it up and kill one. Want it raw deal son, if it’s really real.Oh it’s really real all right and I’ve now written about Jeff Locke with both Bieber and Method Man quotes in the same blog. I’m guessing I’m the first man in history to do so. You wanna crown me then crown me.

Peter Bourjos - My bad Ya’ll! I apologize for politely requesting that you drop someone for this fragile Princess. The best is how he keeps saying he hopes to play the following day and then does not do anything of the sort. I’m assuming he’s back by the weekend but I also assumed nobody would respect a rapper that used to be a police officer and I was incorrect about that, so what do I know?

Rickie Weeks - Ricky has 21 points on the week thus far as he continues to tear it up. Scooter Gennett was even sent back down the minors so the platoon has been extinguished. Praise the Gods! Seeing Weeks on the pine at times this month, even though he was batting over 400 was like watching Mel Gibson’s last movie, The Beaver: Torturous. Make sure you click on that last link for it will change your life for all eternity. As for Weeks, I expect big things the rest of the season and resent those who plucked him off of waivers after I tired of his ineptitude.

Lorenzo Cain - If you listened to the Razzball preseason podcast then you may have heard me say that Cain was my breakout player of the year after Domonic Brown. Though Brown is making me look like an ascended God, the Cain prediction has me feeling like Paulie Shore after being booed at a comedy show. ” I used to be popular I swear!!!!” Lil Renzo is now being platooned with the gaggle of nobody’s in the Royals outfield and I’ve given up hope. If you have patience and large rosters I’d grab him, but in no other case. His lack of power makes me feel like less of a man and I’m 10,000 miles away.

Jarrod Dyson - 9 steals on the year in limited playing time? A hot bat? Hot legs? Hot butt? Wait, what!? I apologize for I do not know where that came from. I’ll be streaming Dyson all weekend to hopefully witness some steals with average. If my every fantasy and desire is not fulfilled I will proceed to unceremoniously drop him. Then, I’ll hit the strip club and bang one of the cocktail waitresses. They are the ones to target, trust me.

My anger was obviously well-placed for League has been one of the bigger disgraces this league has ever seen. It makes me vomit up my protein shake when I think about the Dodgers actually giving that kind of money to a bum when they already own who I feel is a top 3 closer in baseball. Shoooooooooot, he might be THE best closer in baseball RIGHT NOW. Just an atrocious signing no matter how you look at it. Anyway, it seems I’ve gotten what I’ve wished for and Kenley has been lights out other than giving up a solo shot a couple weeks ago, and I expect him to be the #1 closer in baseball from here on out. That’s right. I said it. I’ll never ever regret it.

Rick Porcello - You ever get swamp a$$? I imagine owning Porcello gives you that same kind of uncomfortable and disgusted feeling. Did you truly believe he was finally becoming the man he was thought to be when drafted ahead of Matt Harvey out of high school? Let me guess, you were sold on Kluber too? Guys, guys, guys (and Gals), I ask you to please come to me before making these sorts of additions or even before streaming. @TeholBeddict47 is just one click away on twitter. Don’t be afraid to use it cuz you might get hit with a -10 like Ricky did a couple days back.

Justin Upton - I haven’t seen a man go from great to worthless this quickly since Adrien Brody. I still haven’t seen The Pianist by the way. Seriously, what’s wrong with this man? I once thought of him as the future of baseball. I now only see a perpetual underachiever. Trade him for Raul Ibanez if you can…I’m kidding of course. Or am I? I am.

Todd Frazier - I prayed long and hard for the Marvelous Grey Albright to be right on Frazier and wrong on Goldy, but it turns out I was praying on opposite day. Yes, there is still time for Fraze to turn it around and hit 25 bombs but he just don’t seem built like that yo. I like his 1B/3B eligibility, but really who cares when you hit like Brendan Ryan. I can’t advise you to drop, as I still have not, but we’re getting there.

Samuel Deduno -Another one of Beddicts boys backing up my genius. Uno is mos def streamable and should be owned in all 14 team and above league formats. Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever had some bomb a$$ Uno that made you scream Razzball?

Jeremy Hellickson - I’m just glad he saved his first decent performance in months for a head to head matchup with yours truly. Seriously though, this had to feel good for Hell boy owners and we shall see if there is more where that came from. I wouldn’t get your hopes up or trade for him but hey, if you own him, good luck to you.

Yu Darvish – Yu Yu been playin with Tehol’s emotions ya’ll. Somebody get this guy some whale meat STAT!!! Not only is it Japan’s finest dish, but it’s packed with the proteins that make Yu strong and durable. As of late, Yu has taken more long dongs than Lil Kim and I for one can’t take it anymore. This happens to be a 2-start week for Yu and it’s basically been rendered meaningless after the first stink bomb. He will turn it back on. Probably in his next start. Have faith in me for I have faith in you.

Well that was fun. I can’t begin to describe to you the pure joy I receive from writing these weekly posts and responding to your questions and comments in the comment section or via twitter. It takes my mind off the modeling grind and really helps me just let my hair down and unwind. Again, reach me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47. For bonus points you know by now that you must DM me pics of nude women (trannys are acceptable). As per usual your questions will be responded too in a timely fashion and I’m very much look forward to them as I have a body waxing tomorrow, but am totally free to serve you otherwise. Good day.

 

From Around The Web

  1. David says:
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    Thoughts on Headley? Is he a buy low candidate or is he dunzo? I’m offering Moss and Cozart for him in a 12 team and the owner seems like he’ll probably take the deal.

    • King Tehol's Squire says:
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      @David: i love that Headley deal for you buddy boy. take it and run forrest run

  2. David says:
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    Also, someone offered Gomez for my J Upton, do it?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David: no, don’t jump ship yet. also gomez shoulder injury might be problematic. Also my man-servant is correct David, That Headley deal is steal for you. i can promise you that

  3. bob gum says:
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    Your comment about the priest following hanley Ramirez abuut being as excited as a priest running a camp for teenage boys is disgusting , offensive and “way over the top ” especially for someone unqualified to address the issue. you would be better served to restrain yourself from opinions such as that and focus on baseball . Unless you are a complete idiot you should be able to “come up ” with more appropriate analogies.

    • Birdog says:
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      @bob gum: Yes Father.

    • David says:
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      @bob gum: Are you new here? All these posts are always funny and offensive. Humor is important, and as gay, catholic, regular razzball reader, who is not “unqualified to address the issue,” I’m giving him a pardon. Don’t go starting Internet flame wars unless they are about Dan Uggla or Francisco Lariano.

      • DPL says:
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        I personally love those offensive and funny posts, but here we have a little problem.
        This post was offensive and was not funny. It was cheap, overused shot.
        We expect only the best from Razzball.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @DPL: I find it humorous that so many of these so called holy men get caught up in scandals. My beliefs lie with the elder gods. No offense was meant. Not really anyway

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @bob gum: how dare u blaspheme in the house of Beddict

    • lerryjee says:
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      Because the Catholic church doesn’t have a pedophila problem.

      @bob gum:

    • goodfold2 says:
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      @bob gum: this isn’t your espn message board here, and by that I mean take the censorship drivel somewhere else. I’m sure you’ll find literally hundreds of other “right-thinking” people along with yourself over there.

  4. Flag says:
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    Wait a minute; you’re saying homosexual men should not be in positions of authority over groups of young boys? Who do you think you are, the Boy Scouts? Hater.

    • David says:
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      @Flag: that’s like saying that women can’t coach a boys basketball team, you moron.

      • Flag says:
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        Not hardly. It’s like saying men should not have a campout sleepover with the girls softball team, moron.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @bob gum: \@Flag: Hahahah, i love it

  5. The Thumb says:
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    I recently traded AGon for JUp in a league where i struck lucky with Davis at first. Now you’re making me feel bad.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Thumb: you will be ok. he will turn it back on. im just frustrated with him for obvious reasons. up with hope and down with dope

  6. malamoney

    malamoney says:
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    In a H2H points league where we can only keep 4 players I am trying to trade either Myers, Butler or Marte for pitching.

    I offered Myers for Hamels and he said no to Hamels, but would give me Garza. This doesn’t excite me.

    I tried all 3 for Gio, but was turned down. He eventually traded Gio for VMart and Wheeler.

    I offered Marte for Cain, but he wants Goldy. I said no.

    Suggestions on starters I could target with those guys?

    • David says:
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      @malamoney: In a keeper, try Butler for Corbin straight up, or Iwakuma. Both legit guys whose owners may be looking to “sell high” anticipating a drop off that probably won’t come.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @malamoney: corbin is good. I mean I would only trade butler unless u have no room for other guys but for the butler id look at medlen garza dickey josh johnson people like that. Masterson if desperate

  7. Ron says:
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    Todd Frazier is a bench bat for me right now and has yet to light ANYTHING on fire.

    1) Should I drop him for any of the bats listed below?
    2) If yes, who are the top 3 pickups?

    Chris Carter
    Eric Young
    Brantley
    Rendon
    Belt
    Danial Murphy
    B. Moss
    S. Perez

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ron: I kike rendon belt and carter but id probably hold fraizer

  8. Peter Nincompoop says:
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    Yes, you should cut bait on Frazier. Grey’s been remarkably solid in his preseason assessment of players, but he may have missed the boat on Frazier. He’s on a good team and has the potential to drop 25 bombs, but there’s so many other guys who could do the same thing while posting a better average.

    Not knowing what your squad needs (e.g., categories, positions, etc.) and your current league dynamics, if you strictly look at it as the top three players going forward out of the players you listed, I’d be inclined to say that Rendon and Perez stand out from the list you mentioned. I’d put Frazier as the 3rd guy on the list.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Peter Nincompoop: its a tough call. I keep waiting for fraizer to get hot but u could be better off streaming batters in his place

  9. nathan says:
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    hi i was offered kemp & garza for my wainwright in a 8 team h2h league (12 cat w/ OBP & QS)….in a vacuum, would you take that trade?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @nathan: in a word:Yes! GET ER DONE

  10. Peter Nincompoop says:
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    I got the following pitching staff in a H2H keeper league: Zimmerman, Gonzalez, Weaver, Minor, Lynn, Liriano, Ryu, Cashner and Price coming off the DL soon. I want to shore up the staff to 5-6 quality pitchers and create some roster space to stream. Currently looking to target Kershaw (as the owner’s squad and my own match-up) but he recently turned down Gonzalez and Ryu and him. What’s an offer that would entice you to move Kershaw that I should offer up?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Peter Nincompoop: u gonna have to step uo in a big way on this one. Probably gonna take price and another piece I cant lie to u. Though u could do gio and weaver if u think weaver will continue to regress but thats tough maybe price and minor?? We can get this done and ull be better for it

  11. Too Many Donkeys says:
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    Sorry, but that Mel Gibson Beaver trailer is hilarious, minus all the rated G family drama business…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Too Many Donkeys: its possibly the greatest thing ive ever seen. Glad u enjoyed it

  12. Maestro says:
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    AL Only H2H Points Based League – Pitchers: W, L, QS, K’s ERA, Hitters: BA, TB, BB, SB-CS, RBI, Runs

    Would you trade Carter + Lackey For Bautista?

    My SP’s are: Dickey, Sale, Fister, Griffin, Parker, Kluber
    My Starting 10 [1 @ each position, 3 Of’s + 2 DH’s] Napoli, Hosmer/Morales, Pedroia, Longoria, Peralta/Aybar, Trout, Gordon, Gardner, Suzuki, McLouth

    Thanks

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Maestro: uhhhhh yea. Like immediately

      • Mikey says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        That’s what I thought. Thanks.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Mikey: nice work.

          • Mikey says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: He backed out of the deal…..said it wouldn’t go through – blah, blah, blah.
            Anyway been working something else out and am about to throw it out to an owner. Same league and lineup as above.

            Would you do the following: Sale ($2), Lester ($11) & Carter ($1) for Edwin ($40) and his FA pickup? With his pick, if still available I was going to grab Erasmo Ramirez or a RP [Cecil, Scheppers, Delbar or Olie Perez].

            I know I’m giving up a lot but I think I have enough pitching. Based on my roster, should I go with a RP for now and try to pick up Erasmo the following week? I’m obviously planning on the other owner accepting the deal but then again, maybe I need to wait…

            Thanks for your help.

            • Mikey says:
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              @Mikey: I also go by Maestro, in case you were wondering.

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Mikey: well Maestro im a huge edwin fan and owner and im all for u getting him. losing sale hurts but if you think ur staff is up to par and u can get another stud like erasmo you can do it.

                • Mikey says:
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                  @Tehol Beddict:

                  Sounds good, thanks…

  13. Jason says:
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    Would you give up Segura for J. Upton in an NL only league with E. Cabrera coming back from the DL next week? Or is Segura the real deal?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jason: Segura is the real deal, but I would probably deal him for J upton if you have cabrera with hopes of upton turning it back on which im almost sure he will

  14. Allan says:
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    Thoughts on streaming Taylor Jordan vs mets tomorrow?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Allan: I say go for it. You just inspired me. whats the worst that could happen? im goin in with you bro

  15. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    In 1962, at the Carlyle Hotel in New York, a man “peeled off his clothing and began prancing around his hotel suite.” His bodyguards were cautiously amused, until the man “left the suite and began roaming through the corridor of the Carlyle.”
    The man in question was delusional, paranoid and suffering a “psychotic break” from the effects of an overdose of methamphetamine.
    He was also the president of the United States.
    The reason for John F. Kennedy’s bizarre behavior was — unbeknownst to him, at first — a meth addict.
    When his bro RFK told Dr. Jacobson, the Pres’ supplier, to stay away from the Pres, Jack demanded that he bring him back, stating, I quote “I don’t care if he is giving me horse piss, it makes me feel good.” More on this later in a future column by the Nutty One.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: thank u for that oh wise knowledgable one

      • Paulie Allnuts

        Paulie Allnuts says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Ha! Acquiring bits of knowledge over the course of a long life is not wisdom. I just know a lot of things. And hopefully, this tidbit will lead to an interesting future article for Razzball. You, my friend, have knowledge and some wisdom about fantasy, alas, I am a perennial 2nd Division club in the ECFBL. I created a league that I can’t win in. Perhaps that humility will someday lead to wisdom before I pass over the Rainbow Bridge.

  16. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Now tell me, Mr. Tehol, why my main man Plax got a year in jail and kicked off the Giants squad for shooting his leg, and Hernandez didn’t get squat for shooting out the eye of his bud?

    I still have hope for Aaron having a break-out year.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: skys the limit for hernandez this year. Hes gonna do things I never thought possible

      • Paulie Allnuts

        Paulie Allnuts says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: BTW, your writing skills are quite creative and unique. But do to the competitive nature of our league, the players you or Grey suggest to acquire are all scoffed up before I read your column. It is a sad thing indeed.

  17. malamoney

    malamoney says:
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    Demon Young or Mike Morse ROS in H2H points league?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @malamoney: oh man Im concerned with morse injuries and this youth movement but id probably still lean towards him a bit. Young is solid too but morse more power obviously

  18. MattTruss223 says:
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    What’s up Tehol. A little late gettin to your column this week. Been itchin to ask you about Elvis Andrus though. I’m constantly watching other MIs scoring more points than this dude while they sit on the WW and Elvis takes up space on my roster. Is there hope that Elvis starts ripping the ball this summer? Only 8 doubles!? Come on buddy! The 17 SBs are nice and all, but I’d like some extra base hits now and then. I’m in a shallow league where I own him and could lose him for Rollins, Franklin, Aybar or Dozier right now? What say you sir?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @MattTruss223: waaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzup. my god elvis has been atrocious this year. yea the steals are only thing keeping him ownable. i assume he raises the average quite a bit but he has no power obviously. not a horrible move maybe goin rollins or even franklin but its a hard move to make. I say if its costin you now and you feelin a little froggish den leap sir.

      • MattTruss223 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Fair enough, I’m still first in my division, so I wouldn’t say he’s killing me. I’ll hold for a wee bit longer.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @MattTruss223: probabably the right call

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