Greetings! It is I, Tehol Beddict, back again with more H2H and points League advice. You might ask yourself, “How are these posts any different than the regular fantasy posts?” Well for one, I write them, so they have a different perspective for you. For two, I am known as one of the 5 greatest head to head fantasy baseball players in the United States so I have credentials that literally only 4 other men/women can say they have. And for 3, don’t you dare ever think to ask yourself that question again. Take heed, for you shall benefit fantasy wise and even more importantly, have an enjoyable reading experience with America’s one and only model/fantasy writer. Come now sirs, let me service you.
Kenley Jansen – As I, Tehol Beddict predicted, Jansen has taken the league (no pun intended) by storm, unleashing the power I once believed only the elder Gods possessed. This was foretold by an oracle I laid eyes upon while searching for the perfect mankini modeling site in Egypt. I asked Grey for permission before the season began to write an article about how ridiculous the Brandon League signing was and how even more asinine it was to name League the closer. Right after that convo I was whisked away to Australia to be photographed naked in a tank filled with Great White Sharks and I proceeded to forget all about my League article. Watch for me on shark week.
Ichiro Suzuki – I’ll take an Ichi-roll please. Extra Wasabi. This old man is hot ya’ll. I’ve grabbed in all leagues and I suggest you do the same if you have room for some cheap speed and a solid average. You never know with this future hall-of-famer: He might hit 330 for a couple months straight. It wouldn’t surprise me at all and frankly I’m shocked and somewhat offended more teams weren’t after Ichi-San this off-season as I feel in my huge heart that he would start for almost any team in baseball. Like Sean Connery, Suzuki has aged like a fine wine and has 20.5 fantasy points through Thursday. You’re the man now dog!!
Hanley Ramirez -Imagine a Catholic Priest’s excitement level after being told he would be running a summer camp for teenage boys. That’s how jacked I am about Han-Ram’s performance since returning from that bad hammy. With Puig continuing to rake, Kemp back in the lineup, and Crawford on the mend this lineup will be causing damage. Sit back and enjoy the ride cuz the wait was worth what we’re about to receive. Kind of like when you play the friend zone with that hot chick for years then she gets black out drunk and lets you smash. I don’t do friend zone but I’m sure many of you do. Kudos to you if you have a similar tale to the one I just mentioned, for you earned that one nighter.
Matt Wieters – I’m not sure who disappoints me more these days: Wieters or Aaron Hernandez. Both are extremely handsome young men with all the talent in the world. One is involved with at least 3 homicides as well as taking his homey’s eye out. The other just sucks at baseball. Every year I select Wieters in almost all my leagues. And every year I regret my decision, similar to the time I didn’t tap Jodie Sweetin in rehab. Meth-amphetamine is a helluva drug folks. Wieters’s college teammates referred to him as God. His Major League teammates just call him fraud. It astounds me that “Fraud’s” skill set has yet to be fully transferred to the majors and I’m thinking it never will. He obviously has enough talent to fool one of the greatest fantasy players of all time (Tehol Beddict) into drafting him season after season so maybe he just has no marbles.
Jeff Locke – The man. The myth. The legend. Jeff Locke baby. I haven’t witnessed a man this hot since Justin Bieber first popped on the scene. You’re like “Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey ooooooh. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey nooooo. Thought you’d always be mine.” Yea, that’s what you may feel like if you dumped Locke after streaming him for a couple magnificent starts only to unexpectedly witness the magic continue. Like Biebs, you thought Locke to be a one-hit wonder and you were dead MF’ing wrong. “Beauty and a beat” anyone? 25 points in Locke’s last start in Seattle? Is it real son, is it really real son? Let me know it’s real son, if it’s really real. Something I could feel son, load it up and kill one. Want it raw deal son, if it’s really real.Oh it’s really real all right and I’ve now written about Jeff Locke with both Bieber and Method Man quotes in the same blog. I’m guessing I’m the first man in history to do so. You wanna crown me then crown me.
Peter Bourjos – My bad Ya’ll! I apologize for politely requesting that you drop someone for this fragile Princess. The best is how he keeps saying he hopes to play the following day and then does not do anything of the sort. I’m assuming he’s back by the weekend but I also assumed nobody would respect a rapper that used to be a police officer and I was incorrect about that, so what do I know?
Rickie Weeks – Ricky has 21 points on the week thus far as he continues to tear it up. Scooter Gennett was even sent back down the minors so the platoon has been extinguished. Praise the Gods! Seeing Weeks on the pine at times this month, even though he was batting over 400 was like watching Mel Gibson’s last movie, The Beaver: Torturous. Make sure you click on that last link for it will change your life for all eternity. As for Weeks, I expect big things the rest of the season and resent those who plucked him off of waivers after I tired of his ineptitude.
Lorenzo Cain – If you listened to the Razzball preseason podcast then you may have heard me say that Cain was my breakout player of the year after Domonic Brown. Though Brown is making me look like an ascended God, the Cain prediction has me feeling like Paulie Shore after being booed at a comedy show. ” I used to be popular I swear!!!!” Lil Renzo is now being platooned with the gaggle of nobody’s in the Royals outfield and I’ve given up hope. If you have patience and large rosters I’d grab him, but in no other case. His lack of power makes me feel like less of a man and I’m 10,000 miles away.
Jarrod Dyson – 9 steals on the year in limited playing time? A hot bat? Hot legs? Hot butt? Wait, what!? I apologize for I do not know where that came from. I’ll be streaming Dyson all weekend to hopefully witness some steals with average. If my every fantasy and desire is not fulfilled I will proceed to unceremoniously drop him. Then, I’ll hit the strip club and bang one of the cocktail waitresses. They are the ones to target, trust me.
My anger was obviously well-placed for League has been one of the bigger disgraces this league has ever seen. It makes me vomit up my protein shake when I think about the Dodgers actually giving that kind of money to a bum when they already own who I feel is a top 3 closer in baseball. Shoooooooooot, he might be THE best closer in baseball RIGHT NOW. Just an atrocious signing no matter how you look at it. Anyway, it seems I’ve gotten what I’ve wished for and Kenley has been lights out other than giving up a solo shot a couple weeks ago, and I expect him to be the #1 closer in baseball from here on out. That’s right. I said it. I’ll never ever regret it.
Rick Porcello – You ever get swamp a$$? I imagine owning Porcello gives you that same kind of uncomfortable and disgusted feeling. Did you truly believe he was finally becoming the man he was thought to be when drafted ahead of Matt Harvey out of high school? Let me guess, you were sold on Kluber too? Guys, guys, guys (and Gals), I ask you to please come to me before making these sorts of additions or even before streaming. @TeholBeddict47 is just one click away on twitter. Don’t be afraid to use it cuz you might get hit with a -10 like Ricky did a couple days back.
Justin Upton – I haven’t seen a man go from great to worthless this quickly since Adrien Brody. I still haven’t seen The Pianist by the way. Seriously, what’s wrong with this man? I once thought of him as the future of baseball. I now only see a perpetual underachiever. Trade him for Raul Ibanez if you can…I’m kidding of course. Or am I? I am.
Todd Frazier – I prayed long and hard for the Marvelous Grey Albright to be right on Frazier and wrong on Goldy, but it turns out I was praying on opposite day. Yes, there is still time for Fraze to turn it around and hit 25 bombs but he just don’t seem built like that yo. I like his 1B/3B eligibility, but really who cares when you hit like Brendan Ryan. I can’t advise you to drop, as I still have not, but we’re getting there.
Samuel Deduno -Another one of Beddicts boys backing up my genius. Uno is mos def streamable and should be owned in all 14 team and above league formats. Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever had some bomb a$$ Uno that made you scream Razzball?
Jeremy Hellickson – I’m just glad he saved his first decent performance in months for a head to head matchup with yours truly. Seriously though, this had to feel good for Hell boy owners and we shall see if there is more where that came from. I wouldn’t get your hopes up or trade for him but hey, if you own him, good luck to you.
Yu Darvish – Yu Yu been playin with Tehol’s emotions ya’ll. Somebody get this guy some whale meat STAT!!! Not only is it Japan’s finest dish, but it’s packed with the proteins that make Yu strong and durable. As of late, Yu has taken more long dongs than Lil Kim and I for one can’t take it anymore. This happens to be a 2-start week for Yu and it’s basically been rendered meaningless after the first stink bomb. He will turn it back on. Probably in his next start. Have faith in me for I have faith in you.
Well that was fun. I can’t begin to describe to you the pure joy I receive from writing these weekly posts and responding to your questions and comments in the comment section or via twitter. It takes my mind off the modeling grind and really helps me just let my hair down and unwind. Again, reach me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47. For bonus points you know by now that you must DM me pics of nude women (trannys are acceptable). As per usual your questions will be responded too in a timely fashion and I’m very much look forward to them as I have a body waxing tomorrow, but am totally free to serve you otherwise. Good day.