The Mets went into their minor league system and pulled a giant rabbit out of their hat with Matt Harvey. *terrible Jimmy Stewart impression* Mr. Potter, I knew a Harvey once. Back in 1955, see, and Danny Kaye asked me to sneak this guy named Harvey out of his bedroom at 2 AM. Nice fella, that Harvey. He told me a story that involved Ethel Merman and ping pong balls. Good, salt of the earth guy, that Harvey. So, yesterday, Harvey went five innings and 10 Ks. Tomorrow, the world! Or just icing his arm and joking around with Ruben Tejada. One of those. I’m a big fan of Harvey, but he only has one more start this year (you would’ve owned him yesterday if you followed the Stream-o-Nator), so let’s talk about him for next year. Thanks, clunky segue! In Triple-A, he had nearly a 4 walk rate. Of course, a 9+ K-rate makes a lot of that fade away, and he’s continuing that in the majors this year. Eventually, he could fill into a number two fantasy starter. At some point, when he’s done surprising hitters with his stuff, he will need to adapt, but for next year he could be a sneaky backend starter that surprises a lot of people. *end Jimmy Stewart voice* Wait, you didn’t do that whole thing as Jimmy Stewart? Start again! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Wright – 2-for-4, 2 steals. I can’t hate on a guy that gives two unexpected steals during H2H playoff week. Though I can hate on him if he’s going against me in a H2H playoff. Who lit a fire under your ass? Drew Barrymore playing Charlie McGee? Hello, 30-year-old reference, can I interest you in some ESPN Classic?
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his 22nd homer. Or 19 in the last two months after I dropped him. You couldn’t cortisone in effin’ April?!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer, now hitting .295. Wow, he’s gonna be overrated next year. Yike-a-roos, as they say Down Under about rabid kangaroos.
Drew Storen – Stop picking at the carcass, save vultures, Storen got the two-pitch save yesterday because Clippard pitched the previous two days.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4 and he stole a base off of Jared Hughes. Hughes muttered, “Figured he’d steal off me,” then Phillips got pissed off again.
J.J. Hoover – Dusty Baker said before the Reds game that he’d go to Broxton for saves, so J.J. Hoover got yesterday’s save opportunity. *shakes fist at the sky* Dusty! It might’ve just been because Broxton had pitched the two previous days, or maybe it was Dusty being Dusty or maybe Dusty’s just got a natural inclination for a guy that sounds like he could clean up a mess.
Anthony Rizzo – Sat out yesterday’s game after his collision with Brett Wallace on Tuesday night. Rizzo should be good to go by Friday, which means tomorrow, jerky!
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4 with his 29th homer. That means there’s been at least 29 times a Cubs fan has said, “Yeah, but he still has a terrible contract.”
Dave Sappelt – 3-for-3 and 6 for his last 10. He has a bit of speed, but he’s only worth looking at in deep NL-Only leagues because the Cubs outfield is like a clown car. Every time you think it’s empty, another three outfielders fall out.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer this week while batting over .350. Logan’s run this past week has been so good they should rename it Hunger Games and cast Josh Hutcherson to play him.
Ricky Romero – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.87. Right now, he’s like Apollo vs. Drago and Rocky’s just holding the stupid towel in his stupid hand. Throw the towel, Rock!
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5 for the 2nd day in a row and the previous two games came with a side of dingers. He now has 18 homers on the year with 81 RBIs and 13 steals. According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, the 8th through 10th most valuable 3rd basemen go Wright, Zimmerman then Seager. And Seager did all of that against the wind.
Jason Hammel – Having an MRI done on his knee today and could be out the rest of the season. May as well call this guy Jason Hobble…AM I RIGHT?! Or Broken Hummel…RIGHT?! What, ma? I’m not hungry! I’m doing my fantasy baseball roundup! Geez!
Nate McLouth – 2-for-5, run, RBI and now hitting near .400 over the last week. There is nothing to see here long term, but there’s what? 20 games left? Who cares about long term? Hot schmotato, come and get it!
J.J. Putz – Hernandez got the save yesterday and is the closer of the moment because Putz is sidelined with stiffness. I thought that would be a good thing for Putz.
Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the win in Coors. He said after the game he loves pitching a Mile High.
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th steal. Has been in Coors for the last three games (7-for-14) but even before that he was hitting (3.14 in August, ~.350 in September). I don’t love him, but for a short hot spell, I’d grab him in the non-sexual way.
Angel Pagan - Didn’t start yesterday due to a lacerated hand. Sounds like he was making a fruit slushie. Oh, wait, that’s macerated. I should’ve been a doctor!
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. I get the sense that people aren’t going to pay him much mind next year either. Kinda like Napoli until he exploded in Texas. It’s something about a low average that just scares people.
Andrelton Simmons – Out a couple of days with a sprained ankle. Still haven’t heard of one sprained cankle. Everyone should have cankles. You messed up, God!
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Adverb got through the Marlins like a subject and a predicate, and he finally got a win to bring his record to 5-7, which is also Pedroia in high heels.
Desmond Jennings – Missed yesterday but said he’s gonna be good to go on Thursday. From his mouth to God’s ears, which is Giancarlo’s ears.
Ben Francisco – 2-for-4, an RBI as he started for Jennings. The coldest winter I ever experienced was a summer I owned Ben Francisco.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 with a slam (22) and legs (30) pretty much encapsulates dear, sweet B.J. Now call a phone sex line and have them read that last line to you.
Jaime Garcia – The Cards considered shuffling their rotation due to Garcia’s road struggles, but realized the rotation was written in non-erasable ink so Garcia’s going on Saturday. Fingers crossed, Hi-me!
Matt Carpenter - 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his fifth homer. He’s hitting .305 on the year (in 246 ABs), but hasn’t shown much power…anywhere in his career, really. He’s more of an on base specialist, which I don’t remember ever being a part of MLB commercials. ”Chicks dig the walk?” Um, not really.
Corey Hart – Out until Saturday or Sunday with plantar fasciitis, which is commonly known as Gardener’s Toe.
Denard Span – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he was activated from the DL. I’d grab him if I needed some average, runs and speed. He told Twins reporters that he was going to steal 45 bases next week. Wait, that was his brother, Canard. ***balloons fall from Razzball HQ*** With the use of “canard,” I’ve now used every word in the English language at least once.
Andy Pettitte - Will return next week and be immediately inserted into the Yankees rotation. If your staff is hard up, then Pettitte. Hehe, that’s dirty.
Ivan Nova - Will take over Freddy Garcia’s rotation spot. Is it me or are the Yankees juggling their rotation like they’re rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?
Melky Mesa - Called up by the Yanks. If you put Melky Mesa through The Wire translator, his name translates to “Drugs On The Table.”
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, his 36th and 37th. He’s now batting .235. I think we’ve reached the point where he was officially overrated in the preseason when people were drafting him at the end of the 2nd round, but it sure did take a long time to come to that conclusion and if he hits 10 homers in the last week and gets his average up to .250… Well…
Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 and 1 run, but left yesterday’s game with a left ankle bone bruise. He said he’ll play on Thursday. Frequent commenter, Cole, said, “I read the Yanks won, but lost Jeter. Did they check A-Rod’s bed?”
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.77 to go along with 220 Ks in 176 2/3 IP. Yeah, that’s really good. Next year, I’ll be drafting him, but owning him really is like the “How crazy are you?” test when you hold your hand over a lit match and see how long you can keep it there.
Kevin Youkilis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with a pair of homers. He said after the game that was one more pair than Bobby Valentine has. Let it go already, Youk!
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s out to spite every owner who dropped him at the ASB when he was hitting .199 with 8 homers.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-1 with yet another homer, but then he left the game with a sore left shoulder. He’s going to get an MRI on said shoulder and if all his owners join together in a giant prayer triangle, he will be okay. I don’t own him anywhere so I kinda hope he misses some time. Sorry, I’m a bad person.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer and 121st RBIs, but he’s day-to-day with knee soreness. He also won the AL MVP yesterday. Sorry, Mike Trout. I love your car’s bumper, but I think you’re gonna have to settle for AL Rookie of the Year. Not too shabby. That was enough for Angel Berroa.
A.J. Griffin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Well, hello there, Mr. Alfredo Jettucini. It is nice to meet your acquaintance. I like how you flatten your opponents like your pasta.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4 with a slam (18) and legs (16). Not too terrible of a first year for the Cuban raftee, but his numbers have definitely surprised in a few ways. I didn’t think he’d bat over .280 and I thought he’d have more power and a bit less speed. So he basically has the same value I thought he’d have just in different ways. Grey Hedge App is installed.
Ryan Cook – Got yesterday’s save, but I think that had more to do with the fact there was no save into the 9th inning until Doolittle gave up Pujols’s 30th homer. Sounds like someone found a prune recipe. You know the Cook saved the day when Pujols hit Doolittle.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 24th homer. See what I said about Wilin Rosario and add twelve consonants.
Dustin Pedroia – Left the game because his wife went into labor. He never even had sex with his wife. His spunk is so powerful that it doesn’t require vaginal penetration.