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Greeting all! Tis I, Tehol Beddict! In Bora Bora I am also known as “El Papino,” but that’s a story for another time. Wait! Hold on a tick. This wondrous tale includes many of the details of how I obtained this nickname and I highly recommend you read it. With that being said, I am here to alert you to the calamity that is being brought forth to opposing managers, keeping them up nights, plotting on how to stop the monstrosity that is Han-Ram. Let me put it to you like this: There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped.

Hanley Ramirez is batting an implausible 405 through Thursday and has since surpassed Puig as the hottest hitter in the game. The thought of facing him is more horrifying than the thought of sharks being whisked at your face by a tornado, or even worse, having to watch Josh Harnett’s The Black Dahlia, on repeat for 48 hours. Seriously, that’s a ridiculously atrocious film. I don’t believe I’ve ever loathed anything to that degree throughout my lifetime. Maybe Jimmy Fallon when he was in movies but nothing else comes to mind.

With 21.5 points on the week thus far, Hanley is showing no signs of slowing down as he is carrying the Dodgers to glory on his beautifully sculpted shoulders. He’s even stealing bases which makes him the best shortstop option in the game right now. Kudos to you if you held him all year.

The inspiration for this post was brought to you by the new epic television movie, Sharknado, starring the Dad from Home Alone,  Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and forgotten classic White Chicks, along with the ever-fascinating Tara Reid, the still charming Steve Sanders from 90210 and countless other has-beens and nobodies. Sharks. Tornado. Nuff said.

Matt Carpenter- While living Presidential in the Terrace Club section at the Seattle Mariners game Tuesday, my dear companion and fellow Razzball associate, Joe Morris, pulled out his Galaxy Note II (incredible piece of machinery by the way) and showed me the gaudy statistics of a ballplayer  named Matt Carpenter. First and foremost, I had absolutely no clue this man even existed. Second of all, when I realized this man was 2nd in all of baseball in runs scored behind the Don, Miguel Cabrera, I nearly slapped (don’t miss this link) an old man in the face out of pure shock. Then I checked my points league and saw that Carp had already dropped 20 points on my cranium through Thursday. Appalled doesn’t even begin to describe my reaction.

You may be questioning my credentials for not ever mentioning this hog in the past and to that, I say this: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TALENTS! I AM TEHOL MOTHER F-ing BEDDICT, THE MOST SUPREMELY TALENTED SUPERMODEL/FANTASY BLOGGER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! But really, I should have given this Cardinal some love earlier in the year. And for that, you have my most sincere apology. Maybe JayWrong has mentioned him in one of his Bestiality posts about bears and bulls. Either way, Carpenter is special. Not special like Gilbert Grape, but you know, like an outstanding baseball player. I’d still sell high though.

Miguel Cabrera- All other MLB players are but proverbial fleas on this Bull’s D!ck. I haven’t witnessed this kind of sodomy since starring in the Bishop Eddie Long Story. Cabrera is literally bending over his opponents and displaying the kind of dominance Roseanne once showed when she was with Tom Arnold. Ok, so he’s not literally bending them over, but you can imagine it in your beautiful minds, can you not? He is however, tearing the cover off the ball and embarrassing me for having Trout as my number one overall choice. We are witnessing the greatest individual season since the Barry Bonds days, and Cabrera isn’t shooting himself up with Polar bear testosterone, which makes it all the more impressive.

Todd Frazier- This cretin has let me down more times then Nicolas Cage. Now I know why Tigers eat their young.

Victor Martinez- Our young Victor here has seemingly been touched by an angel. Touched where? One can only fantasize about this but this Venezuelan man-beast has caught fire just like Jim Carrey did in the 90′s. That’s right, it’s been over a decade since Carrey has put out anything worth Beddict’s time and I’m positive many of you feel the same way. Very much unlike Carrey, Martinez has risen from the doldrums of fantasy obscurity and gone on a 12-game hitting streak, batting 429 in that time period. If available please swoop.

Troy Tulowitzki- “Boy Toy Troy” has given his owners a special gift by returning earlier than expected from his rib injury. I haven’t been this excited since I was told my sex scene in a soft core gay porn film didn’t actually involve real penetration.

Chris Davis- Davis has been striking out with greater regularity than podcast host Nick Capozzi when trying to bait Whistler tourists back to his cabin with the promise of endless Labatt Blue. Do not fret though, and DO NOT SELL!!! This Hulk of a man hit a solo shot on Thursday, surpassing his previous career high and there’s no way he doesn’t stroke at least 50. The average will dip below 300 but not below 280 which is more than respectable. Keep enjoying the ride as if Alexis Texas was on top of you. I wonder if she’s received my countless love letters?

Brandon League- Obviously this is a joke. Did you really think I was going to write about this disgrace? I guess I just did but you get my drift right ya’ll? If you own this guy in any format other than a league where you’re trying to have the worst team possible you’re doing something dreadfully wrong.

Adam Eaton- Eaton has finally arrived and should be owned in 100 percent of leagues. Scouting the waiver wire is like being a midget at a urinal: You got to stay on your toes. Nice power/speed combo here. Real niiiiiice. Adam you be killin em, boy you be killin em! Shout out to Fabby.

Alfonso Soriano- If you want beef then bring the ruckus, cuz The Fonz ain’t nothin to F with. This 45-year-old legend has found the fountain of youth and I, Tehol Beddict, am slapping myself in the face with my surgically enhanced schlong for not drafting him this year as per usual. There are few players laying the wood like Soriano right now and things could get even more enthralling if he’s shipped to a contender with a solid lineup around him. Pray on it.

Dustin Ackley- Do you recall that moment when you drafted Ackley in your dynasty league a few years back ahead of hogs like Mike Stanton (as he was then known as)? You were feeling real good about locking down your 2nd baseman of the future and telling your girlfriend/boyfriend how you were going to dominate the league for the next decade? Yeah, that’s how Chris Farley felt after Tommy Boy. Now he’s dead. Now you’re title hopes are probably dead.

Kendrys Morales- Yours truly witnessed this mountain lion of a man crush 2 homers on Tuesday and I’ll be expecting many more of those over the coming months. The average is solid and the power will continue to come. 30 is a real possibility here folks. I’m not giving you my Sir Domonic Brown guarantee of over 30 but it’s certainly within the realm of possibility. Witness.

Derek Jeter- Ahh, the elder Gods don’t seem to favor this old timer any longer as he pulled a quad muscle in his much anticipated comeback on Thursday and had to exit the game. Then again, if he’s still slaying chicks and sending them home with gift baskets with his autographed picture within them, maybe he’s truly an ascended God himself. If I keep up these epic posts, maybe one day I too will be able treat women in such a fashion.

Erasmo Ramirez- There was quite the hype surrounding this young stallion and unfortunately Ramirez had to face a strong Red Sox lineup in his first go-around this year. He was pummeled like when Robin Ventura brashly rushed a veteran Nolan Ryan in 93. Hopefully you benched him for this one but I’d start him next time, no questions asked.

Ivan Nova- Ride this donkey till he can’t walk no more. Nova has always been solid in Tehol’s eyes and I struggled with the thought of the Yankees not having him in their rotation. That is no longer a question. Pick him up yo.

John Lackey- Lackey is reminding me of a young Curt Schilling with the way he has dominated as of late. That was before Schill lost his fortune trying to create video games and became a terrible TV analyst on ESPN after forking over all his memorabilia to current ESPN president, John Skipper. No confirmation yet that Schill was forced to trim Stu Scott’s man bush but I’d say it’s likely. I was amazed to see Lackey still unowned in a league I play so I swooped in for the kill like a drunken Aaron Hernandez. I suggest you do the same as the guy is tossing out quality starts with crazy strikeout numbers.

Well my friends, it’s been a real treat. This may have been the most I enjoyed writing a post thus far. Make absolutely sure that you follow me on twitter @TeholBeddict47 for my thoughts on all sports and life in general. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to immediately as I posses the quickness of a cat, and the speed of a mongoose when it comes to my followers. I shall see you next week and let me know what you think of my new avatar. It’s a portrait I had done by a famous artist in Greece when I was there doing a Mankini shoot. Until next week.

 

 

  1. TKilla says:
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    Should I start Homer Bailey @ ATL (Minor) or Matt Garza vs STL (Lynn) in my points league? ATL has the best home record in baseball and STL produces a ton of runs. I’m torn

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TKilla: I too, was once torn, but it was after use of a gerbil and some plastic piping. This is a very tough call but I’d prob just stick with the red hot garza, Saint Louis be damned but really this is a coin flip.

  2. D Rich says:
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    At least I grabbed Volquez instead of Nova this week haha. I wish this post would come on Sunday or Monday not Friday. I need this advice prior to the week not after I have realized how bad I am.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: well at least volquez is going again this week! Wait, that’s probably a bad thing. I don’t remember recommending you make that move. I converse directly with all of my readers on twitter so they are never left lacking top tier advice

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Big Magoo: Thank you. I too, love the photo. Cage is a legend. my aplogies

  3. TKilla says:
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    1. What are your thoughts on Greinke for the 2nd half of the season?
    2. Would you pick up Matt Adams over Werth, Dunn, Scott or Byrd for the short-term?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TKilla: I think he’s gonna ball out. I wish I owned him. maybe he’s right below that top 5-7 tier but he could be elite. Adams for a few days at least while holliday is hurt but he should go back to utility role at some point so either werth or dunn after that

  4. Carnac says:
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    I went to middle school with Steve Sanders’ cousin. At his (the cousin’s) bar mitzvah, Steve came bearing gifts in the form of amazing/ludicrous 90210 autographed swag. I remember thinking it was all so effin’ cool. But I did think framing and hanging the autographed posters in the cousin’s room was lame within 18 months.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Carnac: I would literally kill for those items Carnac. What will it take for you to steal those for me?

      • Carnac says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I lost touch with the cousin… but I just Bing’d him and it looks like he might be very, very near me in the Pacific Northwest. (Which is far, far from where we grew up.) I have an address. I’ll check the place out late tonight. Hopefully he doesn’t keep his memorabilia collection in a safe deposit box.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Carnac: The Northwest huh? thats where Tehol resides as well. glad to have you here Carnac

          • Carnac says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: I think we’re the only NWers around these parts. I rolled up my flannel sleeves and sat down on a stump to write this comment.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Sky’s in Oregon

              • Carnac says:
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                Me too – a brother seamus!

                • Sky

                  Sky says:
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                  @Carnac: Where you at, Carnac? I’m in Eugene.

                  • Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @Sky: Sky owns a “dude” ranch in Eugene and is incredible at what he does

                    • goodfold2 says:
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                      @Tehol Beddict: we just got in from bend, that’s bend OREGON.

                  • Carnac says:
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                    @Sky: I’m in Portland. (Sorry for the delayed response. Apparently I don’t comment on shabbos.)

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      Interesting. Might have to meet up some time if one or the other is in the area. Just wear your Carnac attire so I can be sure it’s you.

                    • Tehol Beddict says:
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                      @Carnac: sky put me in a hole and told me “it puts the lotion on the skin!”

  5. One I'd Willy says:
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    Sharknado reference shows why your article is still one of my favorites every week. I DVR’d it for some night when the wife isn’t home.

    Got some input from Gray and JB, but thought I’d get the points guy opinion since it is a points league.

    Auction keeper $260 league. The # in () is years he can be kept after this year. We keep 4 plus up to 4 minor league guys from a minor league draft.

    I give Wainwright $29 (2), McCutchen $37 (2), Minor (0)

    I get Corbin (0), Ryu $5 (2), Pujols $40 (2), Myers $3 (2)

    I feel the 3 for 3 I lose on, but getting Myers for $3 and it doesn’t count as a keeper is hard to pass up.

    My keepers right now would be Lee $17, Scherzer $15, Wainwright $29, and hitter TBD. Minors keepers would be Profar, Tavarez, Zunino

    Thinking of countering with Iwakuma $8 (2) in place of corbin and choo i$15 (2)s place of McCutchen

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @One I’d Willy: Yea having to use the keeper on corbin is too bad or I would def take the first offer, but it still may be worth it for the salary difference and the high probability that Myers devleopes into a monster. your minor leaguers are nasty as it gets. The extra 2 years of kuma could be nice though he is falling apart and corbin looks incredible we don’t know how thats gonna go in the long run, though corbin is younger and may be worth a keeper or you could flip him again in a trade where someone would be using keeper on him. And yea, id much rather give up choo than Cutch so if that can get it done pull that trigger.

      Thanks for stopping in.
      Yours truly,

      Razzball fantasy football champion and fantasy baseball leader

  6. CramYourCatcherQuestionUpYourCramhole says:
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    I watched the Sharknado last night. I watched it for Carmen Electra, who will forever be my all-time favorite MTV slut.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Guru: another classic. I enjoyed that one thoroughly as well oh wise and powerful guru. glad you enjoyed. thanks for stopping in

  7. Brendan says:
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    Thoughts on Bourn lost Identity? He is like me when I played Freshman basketball in high school….riding the bench like a champ.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brendan: I’ve never been a fan of Bourne and kept expecting to him to fall off but he continued to produce. I assume he will up his production here at some point and hopefully get you some steals. you could put some feelers out there for possible trades Brendo. The 12 man is just as important as the starters, er, kind of, er maybe not but I bet you were still great at it

  8. Pub says:
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    Trade Berkman and cespedes for wright and alexi Ramirez ..and who do you like better for the rest of the season Bryce Harper or wright??

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pub: i like harper better for rest of season based on upside. hopefully all star break gets him fully rested and ready to blackout in second half.

      yes id probably make that trade depending on who your short stop and third basemen are but id pull trigger

  9. RJ says:
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    Should I try and sell Nelson Cruz and EverCab over the break or will these possible suspensions be drawn out until next season? Would like to trade them for pitching help but would like to gauge their current value better. Thanks in advance.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @RJ: Well RJ, I tried to trade Cruz to every single team in my league once I found out he was tied to the steroid thing and have no clue how thats going to play out though I think the players will fight it as long as possible so someone might give you something but it will be hard to get anything close to fair value. Hopefully you can find a sucker or maybe you are stuck with them and they never get suspended and its the best thing to ever happen to you.

  10. RE says:
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    Drop Leonys for Eaton? Looking for more power in my OF.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @RE: def more power there for sure bud. And he gots da speed too

  11. Subs81 says:
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    Should I drop –(–K per 9 — are a category) cole or archer for erasmo this year?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Subs81: tough call. Ive been holdingCole but his k rate irateis a fucking disgrace. But he I national league I guess Iid say cole If u put a gun to my head but but its tough call

  12. Nate spurs says:
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    Great Tehol, what do you see in Chase Headley ROS? Drop for Kendrys or Eaton? I have Alvarez current patrolling the area around third base.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Nate spurs: I think headley will get scorching hot in the 2nd half. Its only right. I probably wouldnt drop him based on eaton being injury risk and morales being fat. Hold baby hold hold

      • Nate spurs says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Haha, love the reasoning. Thanks great Tehol. Your posts always make me feel groovy inside.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Nate spurs: glad u enjoy brohemoth

  13. Subs81 says:
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    Should I drop carter(hou) for Wallace in a 6×6

    Ave OBP R SB RBI and HR. matter I n that order
    worried about Wallace’s playi g time movi g forward

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Subs81: wouldnt make that move quite yet my friend though not terrible idea. I guess wallace will prob hit higher average and is hot. No problem with it if u want to make that move

    • goodfold2 says:
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      @Subs81: you may be right, but why would they bring the guy up, now he finally hits, so they put him down again? He’s hitting since he’s been up this time.

    • TheNewGuy says:
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      @Subs81: check the n button on your keyboard dude

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Carnac: @TheNewGuy: I’m lost here guys

  14. TheNewGuy says:
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    Alexis Texas? Pwah, theres hundreds of porners better than her. Natasha nice, Kristal Summers, Abbey Brooks to name a few, check em out.

    Anyway where am I? Oh yeah a fantasy site, not that kinda fantasy site dude…

    I dont even have a fantasy question, ok better make one up. Start Cole vs the Mutts today?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TheNewGuy: No dont do it hahahah

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TheNewGuy: Alexis is the greatest of all time but I’ll “research” thes other women . Thank u for ur suggestions

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