Greeting all! Tis I, Tehol Beddict! In Bora Bora I am also known as “El Papino,” but that’s a story for another time. Wait! Hold on a tick. This wondrous tale includes many of the details of how I obtained this nickname and I highly recommend you read it. With that being said, I am here to alert you to the calamity that is being brought forth to opposing managers, keeping them up nights, plotting on how to stop the monstrosity that is Han-Ram. Let me put it to you like this: There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped.
Hanley Ramirez is batting an implausible 405 through Thursday and has since surpassed Puig as the hottest hitter in the game. The thought of facing him is more horrifying than the thought of sharks being whisked at your face by a tornado, or even worse, having to watch Josh Harnett’s The Black Dahlia, on repeat for 48 hours. Seriously, that’s a ridiculously atrocious film. I don’t believe I’ve ever loathed anything to that degree throughout my lifetime. Maybe Jimmy Fallon when he was in movies but nothing else comes to mind.
With 21.5 points on the week thus far, Hanley is showing no signs of slowing down as he is carrying the Dodgers to glory on his beautifully sculpted shoulders. He’s even stealing bases which makes him the best shortstop option in the game right now. Kudos to you if you held him all year.
The inspiration for this post was brought to you by the new epic television movie, Sharknado, starring the Dad from Home Alone, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and forgotten classic White Chicks, along with the ever-fascinating Tara Reid, the still charming Steve Sanders from 90210 and countless other has-beens and nobodies. Sharks. Tornado. Nuff said.
Matt Carpenter- While living Presidential in the Terrace Club section at the Seattle Mariners game Tuesday, my dear companion and fellow Razzball associate, Joe Morris, pulled out his Galaxy Note II (incredible piece of machinery by the way) and showed me the gaudy statistics of a ballplayer named Matt Carpenter. First and foremost, I had absolutely no clue this man even existed. Second of all, when I realized this man was 2nd in all of baseball in runs scored behind the Don, Miguel Cabrera, I nearly slapped (don’t miss this link) an old man in the face out of pure shock. Then I checked my points league and saw that Carp had already dropped 20 points on my cranium through Thursday. Appalled doesn’t even begin to describe my reaction.
You may be questioning my credentials for not ever mentioning this hog in the past and to that, I say this: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TALENTS! I AM TEHOL MOTHER F-ing BEDDICT, THE MOST SUPREMELY TALENTED SUPERMODEL/FANTASY BLOGGER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! But really, I should have given this Cardinal some love earlier in the year. And for that, you have my most sincere apology. Maybe JayWrong has mentioned him in one of his Bestiality posts about bears and bulls. Either way, Carpenter is special. Not special like Gilbert Grape, but you know, like an outstanding baseball player. I’d still sell high though.
Miguel Cabrera- All other MLB players are but proverbial fleas on this Bull’s D!ck. I haven’t witnessed this kind of sodomy since starring in the Bishop Eddie Long Story. Cabrera is literally bending over his opponents and displaying the kind of dominance Roseanne once showed when she was with Tom Arnold. Ok, so he’s not literally bending them over, but you can imagine it in your beautiful minds, can you not? He is however, tearing the cover off the ball and embarrassing me for having Trout as my number one overall choice. We are witnessing the greatest individual season since the Barry Bonds days, and Cabrera isn’t shooting himself up with Polar bear testosterone, which makes it all the more impressive.
Victor Martinez- Our young Victor here has seemingly been touched by an angel. Touched where? One can only fantasize about this but this Venezuelan man-beast has caught fire just like Jim Carrey did in the 90’s. That’s right, it’s been over a decade since Carrey has put out anything worth Beddict’s time and I’m positive many of you feel the same way. Very much unlike Carrey, Martinez has risen from the doldrums of fantasy obscurity and gone on a 12-game hitting streak, batting 429 in that time period. If available please swoop.
Troy Tulowitzki- “Boy Toy Troy” has given his owners a special gift by returning earlier than expected from his rib injury. I haven’t been this excited since I was told my sex scene in a soft core gay porn film didn’t actually involve real penetration.
Chris Davis- Davis has been striking out with greater regularity than podcast host Nick Capozzi when trying to bait Whistler tourists back to his cabin with the promise of endless Labatt Blue. Do not fret though, and DO NOT SELL!!! This Hulk of a man hit a solo shot on Thursday, surpassing his previous career high and there’s no way he doesn’t stroke at least 50. The average will dip below 300 but not below 280 which is more than respectable. Keep enjoying the ride as if Alexis Texas was on top of you. I wonder if she’s received my countless love letters?
Brandon League- Obviously this is a joke. Did you really think I was going to write about this disgrace? I guess I just did but you get my drift right ya’ll? If you own this guy in any format other than a league where you’re trying to have the worst team possible you’re doing something dreadfully wrong.
Adam Eaton- Eaton has finally arrived and should be owned in 100 percent of leagues. Scouting the waiver wire is like being a midget at a urinal: You got to stay on your toes. Nice power/speed combo here. Real niiiiiice. Adam you be killin em, boy you be killin em! Shout out to Fabby.
Alfonso Soriano- If you want beef then bring the ruckus, cuz The Fonz ain’t nothin to F with. This 45-year-old legend has found the fountain of youth and I, Tehol Beddict, am slapping myself in the face with my surgically enhanced schlong for not drafting him this year as per usual. There are few players laying the wood like Soriano right now and things could get even more enthralling if he’s shipped to a contender with a solid lineup around him. Pray on it.
Dustin Ackley- Do you recall that moment when you drafted Ackley in your dynasty league a few years back ahead of hogs like Mike Stanton (as he was then known as)? You were feeling real good about locking down your 2nd baseman of the future and telling your girlfriend/boyfriend how you were going to dominate the league for the next decade? Yeah, that’s how Chris Farley felt after Tommy Boy. Now he’s dead. Now you’re title hopes are probably dead.
Kendrys Morales- Yours truly witnessed this mountain lion of a man crush 2 homers on Tuesday and I’ll be expecting many more of those over the coming months. The average is solid and the power will continue to come. 30 is a real possibility here folks. I’m not giving you my Sir Domonic Brown guarantee of over 30 but it’s certainly within the realm of possibility. Witness.
Derek Jeter- Ahh, the elder Gods don’t seem to favor this old timer any longer as he pulled a quad muscle in his much anticipated comeback on Thursday and had to exit the game. Then again, if he’s still slaying chicks and sending them home with gift baskets with his autographed picture within them, maybe he’s truly an ascended God himself. If I keep up these epic posts, maybe one day I too will be able treat women in such a fashion.
Erasmo Ramirez- There was quite the hype surrounding this young stallion and unfortunately Ramirez had to face a strong Red Sox lineup in his first go-around this year. He was pummeled like when Robin Ventura brashly rushed a veteran Nolan Ryan in 93. Hopefully you benched him for this one but I’d start him next time, no questions asked.
Ivan Nova- Ride this donkey till he can’t walk no more. Nova has always been solid in Tehol’s eyes and I struggled with the thought of the Yankees not having him in their rotation. That is no longer a question. Pick him up yo.
John Lackey- Lackey is reminding me of a young Curt Schilling with the way he has dominated as of late. That was before Schill lost his fortune trying to create video games and became a terrible TV analyst on ESPN after forking over all his memorabilia to current ESPN president, John Skipper. No confirmation yet that Schill was forced to trim Stu Scott’s man bush but I’d say it’s likely. I was amazed to see Lackey still unowned in a league I play so I swooped in for the kill like a drunken Aaron Hernandez. I suggest you do the same as the guy is tossing out quality starts with crazy strikeout numbers.
Well my friends, it’s been a real treat. This may have been the most I enjoyed writing a post thus far. Make absolutely sure that you follow me on twitter @TeholBeddict47 for my thoughts on all sports and life in general. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to immediately as I posses the quickness of a cat, and the speed of a mongoose when it comes to my followers. I shall see you next week and let me know what you think of my new avatar. It’s a portrait I had done by a famous artist in Greece when I was there doing a Mankini shoot. Until next week.