You know that cracked out guy at the 7-11 at 3 AM who’s just trying to get a cylindrical hamburger for free? ”Yo, man, can I get me a cylindrical hamburger?” Grabs said hot doggey-looking burger and jets for the exit. ”Peace, Apu!” Then the cashier emergency locks the door from behind the counter and the cracked-out guy smashes through the glass door. Well, for that first 14 feet from the counter to the door, that’s the fastest man on the planet. Number 2 is Usain Bolt. Number 3 is the cracked-out guy after he smashes through the glass door, and now he’s screaming, “King Kong ain’t got shizz on me!” Number 4 is a father in Toys R Us at exactly 12:01 AM on Black Friday. Number 5 is Billy Hamilton. There are literally milliseconds between the top five. Billy Hamilton is so fast, he just ran into your office, stepped on your desk, did The Robot, stepped off your desk, mussed your hair and ran out of your office and you didn’t even see him. Billy Hamilton is so fast that when saying his whole name, it sounds like you’re only saying Billy. Try it. See? Billy Hamilton is so fast he had 104 steals in 82 games this year in High-A. In Double-A, 37 steals in 33 games. He also might lose a Home Run Derby with Dee Gordon. He weighs less than my mustache soaking wet. I looked up his projections and I found out he has 914 SBs with no CS, not too shabby! He’s also 146 years old and has been dead for 72 years. No wonder he’s never caught; ever try to tag a ghost? So, it’s a little hard to trust those projections when they are so off on projected age and life/death status. This Buy is more for keepers and dynasty leagues. He’s a most own for next year. If Dusty goes to him over Cozart (which doesn’t seem that outlandish), he could steal 70 bases as a number 8 hitter. For this year, we might see him in September as a pinch runner off the bench. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to point out that this might be your last opportunity to get into the Razzball fantasy football leagues. If you love your country and its obsession with hitting you over the head with non-seamless segues, this notification will come as a reminder of what makes us great. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
Dale Thayer – Street may not be back until September and there’s no guarantee that he comes back healthy then. Shoot, Street at 100% health is at 80% health. At 80% health, he’s 40% health and at 40% health he’s on life support. Padres have said that Dale Thayer is the guy for thaves. That’s THAGNOF, y’all!
Jim Henderson – You know the monkey who went by the name Jackson Bollocks and did the painting by throwing crap at a canvas? That canvas is the Brewers closer shituation.
Jeremy Affeldt – Sergio Romo could also be here. This is a closer-by-committee. And if the Giants don’t provide save opportunities it’s an itty-bitty-closer-committtee.
Glen Perkins – Right now, Perkins is screwing up your 2013 draft. Here’s you, “Shoot, I only have 17 seconds left for my last pick, let me sort by 2012 saves and grab someone… Glen Perkins? Who is– Did I just autopicked Glen Perkins because he was at the top of my queue? Nooooooo!”
Jon Rauch – When you say he’s a top shelf closer, it doesn’t mean he’s an upper echelon reliever, if you catch my drift. Still saves are saves are saves.
Grant Balfour – It seems like there’s a lot of saves out there to be had, but, well, are you looking at some of these names? Brian Fuentes had replaced Balfour earlier in the year.
Jaime Garcia – I’m more lukewarm about picking up Garcia than most. He’s been slightly above average this year if you look at his peripherals, but he’s also returning from a shoulder strain. He could be fine, but does the risk outweigh the reward if you’re in a league where you can just work streamers? I don’t think so. Stream-o-Nator, “That’s if I let you ‘work streamers.’ Now get me my mead, wench.”
Clayton Richard – Gets the Giants in Petco this Sunday. That’s a solid one and done stream.
Patrick Corbin – I’m pretty much going one start at a time with these starters to buy and Corbin gets the Astros next. The Astros offense is so unimposing that Astro pitchers volunteer their services to opponents. ”Hey, why don’t I pitch and your pitcher can play short centerfield?”
Eric Stults – Will also get the Giants in Petco, then he’s off to the Celebrity Roast of Mary-Stuart Masterson. ”The Mastersons must’ve known how hermaphroditic you’d look — how else to explain them giving you Stuart as a middle name? On the first day of filming for Some Kind of Wonderful, I said, ‘I know I’m a ginger, but that doesn’t mean I want to end up with a Gilligan.’”
Todd Frazier – I’m legitimately concerned that when Votto returns Dusty will fall back on his old tricks and start Rolen over Frazier at least twice a week, but that’s still two weeks away, so you can cross that Brent Lillibridge when you come to it.
Brent Lillibridge – Speaking of the structure connecting two separate entities, Lillibridge should get you from here until October with some light power, speed and good positional eligibility. When I point out someone has good position eligibility, it’s like saying a girl has a good personality.
Eric Chavez – I can understand people’s hesitation about picking him up. He could go turd-cold by Sunday, but while he’s hot I’d add him. Remember he sits vs. lefties because their special scissors spook him.
Mark Reynolds – It’s a good week to need a corner infidel, and it’s been a bad year to be Mini Donkey. In a few short years, he’s gone from a sneaky 3rd base option to “he won’t be drafted next year.” Oh, and be sure to check out Spike Channel’s original movie, The Sad Tale of the Mini Donkey starring Jan-Michael Vincent.
Brandon Belt – Batting close to .450 in the last week and absolutely no power. I like Belt a lot, but he has 4 homers. Mark Whiten, “In one game?!” No, Mark, on the year. And it’s not like he’s making up for it in other departments. He only has 9 steals. Billy Hamilton, “In one game? Oh, and boo.” No, Old Ghost Billy Hamilton. I’d go with Belt while he’s hot, but I might need to reevaluate my love for him if he doesn’t start hitting for more power. Grey digs the long ball in a totally hetero way.
Gregor Blanco – When I see Blanco on waivers, I’m usually like, “Gregor…anything else.” In NL-Only leagues, he’s going to have a boost in value with Melky gone, and an even bigger boost if he takes over everything Melky left behind.
Jon Jay – He’s a solid average guy with a little speed and power. Basically, a Prado found on Canal Street. You know, a knockoff.
Eric Young Jr. – I’ve told you to pick him up every day for about a week straight. Don’t make me get Eric Young Sr. to come back there and smack some sense into you. Or worse his mom, Erica. She’s a no fuss lady. Or his grandfather, Burt. His tough-living brother-in-law.
Rajai Davis - SAGNOF! Or carpe speedum, for our Latin American readers.
Andy Dirks – The Tigers have a revolving door of hot schmohawk outfielders. Brennan Boesch yields to Delmon Young who lets Dirks merge into the rotary, then it picks up speed with the addition of Quentin Berry, and they all spin their wheels for months. Right now, I’d latch onto Dirks.
Erick Aybar – You say to yourself, “Grey, you tell us to pick up Aybar every week? How about some new names?” Fair enough, Your Internal Monologue. As soon as he gets over 50% owned, I’ll stop, so pick him up already!
Jurickson Profar – I just went over my Jurickson Profar fantasy. I wrote it while bathing in a giant barrel.
Tyler Greene – The positive news is he hit for decent power in the minors (66 games in Triple-A and 14 homers) and nice speed (19 steals in the same time). The bad news, the Cardinals sent him to their Single-A affiliate, the Astros.
Yasmani Grandal – Should return in the next day to boot out his understudy in, OBPWulf. Grandal will return to his light-power because of Petco and decent average ways while affording me the opportunity to make Beowulf jokes that don’t appeal to anyone because no one’s actually read it. I’d go as far as saying one person wrote a term paper about Beowulf back in the 1200′s and that same paper has been passed down and spread across the entire world with no teachers catching on because they never read them either. A conspiracy? Perhaps, but likely true.
Chris Johnson – The Sell’s aren’t about trades anymore since we’re past that point in our program. Now, we’re talking turkey about dropping players. Or talking turkeys. Whichever. Both work. Chris Johnson was traded to the Diamondbacks and he seemed alive with pleasure like a Newport cigarette, but he was a schmohawk in sheep’s clothing.
Mike Aviles – Valentine has been starting Punto over Aviles and Valentine is smart — he invented the wrap sandwich! (Which is nothing compared to Gary Carter’s contribution to modern society.)
Rafael Furcal - Not only has he not been good good since May, he’s been batting down in the 8 hole lately. The 8 hole is where fantasy value goes to die and then the neighbor calls the landlord about the stench coming from your place and the neighbor finds you trapped under your Playboy magazine collection, eating Ms. December, 1972.
Melky Cabrera – If you’re waiting for his appeal, you’re out of luck — MLB used UPS.
Josh Beckett – Unlike some hitters who I’d like to drop off in the middle of North Korea with a sign that reads, “Kim Jong-dumb,” pitchers can actually kill your team. Hitters give you an 0-for-25 and you’re hurt but not devastated. Beckett and his 5+ ERA on the year basically ruined your entire pitching staff. Drop him, you owe it to yourself.
Eric Hosmer – According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, you would’ve been better off owning Daniel Murphy and his 4 homers and 7 steals at 1st base than Hosmer. Yeah, wrap your melon around that and let Gallagher bash it. I know, you probably feel pot committed at this point, but if you get 5 homers and a .280 average from, say, Todd Frazier, you’re better off. Next year, I will draft Hosmer and then drop him before the season starts. Payback and spite rule my world. Have a good weekend!