I wonder if Marge Schott’s family sits around and talks about what Marge would’ve thought of Billy Hamilton‘s thievery. I wonder too if they’d do it on our podcast, because I bet it would be totally off-color, so to speak. “First of all, Marge had a great respect for people and would’ve loved a chance to apologize for the comments she made about African-Americans, Jews, Japanese, Chinese, Tongans, Georgians, the people from the country above Armenia and the people of the great state of Georgia, Quizno’s, the fast food restaurant, I don’t think there’s people who register Quizno as a nationality or religion and Pomeranians — she only kicked one because she thought it was a ferret…Guess that means she would’ve apologized to ferrets too. So, your question is, what would she have thought of Billy Hamilton? She would’ve loved him to fetch her Nazi flatware.” That’s a Marge Schott family member on the podcast. You don’t need to be a rocket surgeon to know what Hamilton gives you for fantasy. Even if he only starts one game the rest of the year, he could get you a point in steals and for that it’s worth owning him, even if you have to put him on your bench on his days off. If you don’t think he can steal four bags again in a game, you don’t know two of his steals on Wednesday were on pitch outs. That means not only did everyone know he was stealing, but the pitcher and catcher did all they could to stop him. They still couldn’t. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Cesar Hernandez – Hitting near .500 in the last week and he has speed that Cesar hasn’t shown yet due to wearing a bulky toga under his uniform. When is someone going to come out with a tight-fitting, track suit toga that I can wear to the gym?!
Gregor Blanco – Also hitting near .500 in the last week, but he’s added in a homer and a steal. But, Part II: The But Gets Bigger; Blanco sits against lefties so you have to platoon him into your lineup — OWH (Own While Hot; acronyms work better when I don’t have to spell them out or when I have to explain when they work better or…Hey, could someone give me a hand getting out of this parenthetical, I’m done with my point. Thanks!)
Dayan Viciedo – I’m drinking a peanut butter-banana protein shake right now made by my Cougar. She says it’s good for me. I wonder if she ever dated A-Rod. She probably did. I won’t ask her because then I’ll have to live with that information the rest of my life. Similarly, don’t ask me if Viciedo will still be hot by Monday. You don’t want to know.
Charlie Blackmon – A bit of a Hitter-Tron call. See, the Hitter-Tron loves anyone in Coors. I wonder if it’s because Coors is the Silver Bullet, and the Hitter-Tron loves anything silver. But Blackmon has been hitting as mentioned this morning, and his inclusion has nothing to do with affirmative action.
Tommy Medica – The entire Padres team is hitting, and I feel like they were good last September too, though I obviously didn’t feel like looking it up to confirm. Medica has two homers in the last eight games, hitting a nifty .280 and has catcher eligibility in ESPN. I didn’t use the word nifty. You’re imagining it.
Pedro Strop – I just went over him this morning. Scroll down and click that post. It’ll earn me one-seventeenth of a penny.
Sean Halton – In the last week, he has a handful of homers, if Three-Finger Brown is reading.
Lucas Duda – I’ve really liked what I’ve seen recently from Duda (no, I haven’t), and he’s starting every day with Ike out. I’d grab Duda (if all other 1st basemen options were exhausted). He looks great (barely good).
Elliot Johnson – Recently, the Braves decided to go with Johnson over the Big Johnson t-shirt wearing, Dan Uggla, and have even started Johnson in the outfield, though if Heyward returns that could end. Johnson isn’t very good at hitting, but he does have five steals in the last ten games and 21 steals in 233 ABs, which Dopey People Math tells us he could steal 60 bases over the course of a season.
Donovan Solano – I grabbed Solano in one league where I was struggling for a middle infielder. This tells you more about how much I was struggling than about Solano.
Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia! Hola! Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt. He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now. So keep it going for Danny Valencia!
Zach McAllister – Once again, I’m going straight to the Stream-o-Nator for these starting pitcher pick-ups. There’s no reason to grab a pitcher because he’s good. The only reason to grab a pitcher at this point is because he has a solid matchup. McAllister gets the Astros tonight or tonite if you’re a rapper.
Rick Porcello – He has a 2.02 ERA in 35 2/3 IP this year against the White Sox. Guess who he gets on Saturday. Go ahead, guess, I’ll wait. *lays down on the couch, gets up and Googles if it’s lies or lays, gets sidetracked by Wikipedia, reads about the Crimean War for an hour* Okay, I’m back. He gets the White Sox! Come on, that was an easy one.
Andrew Cashner – I don’t understand how he’s only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues, unless Snafu Larry owns 20,000 teams and refuses to trust Cashner and would prefer to stick with Liam Hendricks because he thinks owning him will get Oasis back together. Snafu Larry, “Then my karaoke stories won’t seem so dated!”
Yordano Ventura – The other day he was hitting 100 MPH on the speed gun like he had to win a SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival for his niece otherwise she would tell her mom that he was drunk and hitting on her friends. When I put Yordano on the short list of pitchers I want on every team next year, I could see the Royals messing with me by sending him to the minors, but we’ll cross that Mersey on a ferry when we come to it. For now, he gets the Mariners next.
Anyone that is not going to help you win right now – There’s no time left, drop anyone that is not playing and add players that are. If starters only have one start left and it’s not a good matchup, lose them now. If a hitter is dinged up, then ding them down to waivers (not pithy, but trying). It’s not an affront to the player. They won’t come to your house and ask you to apologize. As they say in Scientology, “I Xenu, I Xenu, no, you’re not mad at him, you just Xenu.” They are saying it while wearing an aluminum foil helmet so no one can read their thoughts about what they mean. However, I’m wearing an antenna on my head so I can read under their aluminum foil helmets and what they mean is don’t get attached to a player’s name and win your league!