“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday. The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer. Downs goes Frieri! Downs goes Frieri! Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.
Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer. So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday. Plausible explanation: He wanted his best reliever in a close game. Also, plausible: Sale is not the closer. Also, plausible: After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game. Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning. He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale. It’s basically a closerf**k.
Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game. You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real? He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner. I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.
Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion. Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions. Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?
Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday. One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten. Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos. “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!” That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.
Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins? This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined. I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart. So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death. She had sass, but not that much, I guess.
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year. And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190. This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.
David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt. I’d put his over/under for saves at 32. Over/under for Ks at 110. And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers. Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers. And being 40-something. That’ll hurt those numbers too.
Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday. He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up. Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?” No, Bernie. Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.
Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start. Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest. But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation. He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate. Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He obviously should be owned everywhere. His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.
Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday. Dah! Just when Stanton finally passed him.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01. Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?
Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.
Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two. This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield. They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.
Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.
Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist. Sounds itchy!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs. Beltran is The Great Zombino!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.
Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back. But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?! I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues. He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him. I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order. (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)
Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him. It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil: The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter. We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team. By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.
Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run. Right back at, huh, Ryan?
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay. Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing. You know what he’s doing, right? Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.” BAM, awful outing! “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.” BOOM, good outing! He’s totally messing with you.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer. The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.
Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Move your small children and closers away from the windows! The Closepocalypse is coming through! Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up. Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week. Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80. I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow. Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244. Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246. Member when Markakis was really good? Makes you nostalgikis.
Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella. My pharmacist’s name is Patella. I don’t think they’re related.
Casey Blake – Retired yesterday. In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.