Charlie Manuel confirmed Cole Hamels would have his next start skipped after an MRI showed he had shoulder inflammation. But Manuel was wearing a wooden barrel being held up by suspenders so it made it difficult to pay attention to what he was saying. Manuel then said, “When I ask for a straw, I don’t want a drinking straw. Drinking straws are for 13-year-old girls!” You know what would’ve been nice? If Hamels settled all this MRI shizz before I had to set my weekly fantasy lineup. Yes, this is all about me. Here’s hoping Hamels only needs to miss one start and then can come back at full strength. Though for a club that can afford to rest him and coast into the playoffs, it seems like a pipe dream. But what about my H2H playoffs?! Have I mentioned recently how much I hate H2H? You got your marbles on the line and teams are resting their best marbles for the playoffs. Marbles! BTW, no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks. From Rudy, “My DVR still has The Golden Girls from when my parents visited. Oh, Estelle Getty, your delivery is prettier than Roy Halladay’s.”
Casper Wells – Has now homered in four straight games. Casper was one of those cases where I saw him hit a homer and disregarded it, figuring he wouldn’t hit another one immediately. Then disregarded the 2nd and 3rd homers too. After four in a row, it’s hard to disregard. He’s really not this good, I promise you. But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s hitting the cover off the ball so you may as well grab him to see how long it can continue.
A.J. Pierzynski – To the DL. He fractured his wrist trying to write his last name in cursive.
Hanley Ramirez – Won’t return when eligible. If grit and doggedness were pistachios and cashews, Hanley would be allergic to nuts.
Jason Kipnis – Out for three straight days with a right oblique injury. Why whenever I write Kipnis, I feel like a nosh?
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Maybe the Indians might want to raise the mound up a mile above sea level.
Pedro Alvarez – Optioned to Triple-A. Pirates told him to come back when he can hit like that Brandon Wood fella.
Carlos Beltran – To the DL. Mets doctors, “See, it wasn’t us!”
Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL. He was seen on crutches yesterday after hurting his ankle. For the first time, Sanchez can’t pitch because he can’t walk, usually it’s he can’t pitch because he can walk.
Chris Davis – Season’s over with a shoulder tear. Obviously not easy to shoulder Bill James’s expectations.
Paul Goldschmidt – Has 19 Ks in 42 ABs. He’s like Mark Reynolds 2.0. Mark-Paul Reynoldschmidt who, unlike Mark-Paul Gosselaar, strikes out a lot.
Josh Collmenter – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. Let’s look at his last ten starts. He was beat badly by the Giants (5 IP, 5 ER), Oakland (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and the Dodgers twice (6 IP, 11 ER). All these teams combined have one decent hitter (Kemp). Then against the Phils, Brewers and Rockies (27 2/3 IP, 5 ER). Collmenter should be starting the next All-Star game.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, and his 21st homer. His season slash line is .323/.372/.566. Or maybe that’s his dot dot slash line.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer and 9th error. The Mat Gamel special!
Chien-Ming Wang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks). Waited for someone at the park to hold up a sign that said, “Leake’s Here, Wang, Urine Trouble!”
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-8 with his 21st and 22nd homer. Read something on ESPN by one of their analcysts and it was saying how Adrian Gonzalez is the clear frontrunner for the MVP over Ellsbury. All I know is if Ellsbury hit third this year, he’d have 27 homers, 35 steals and 120 RBIs.
Jeff Niemann – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Sonavabench!
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-9 and his 5th homer to go along with his 9 steals, all in 23 games. *drools* To be totally silly, his numbers over a whole season prorate to 35 homers and 63 steals. Reading that again, I just started giggling like a schoolgirl. I will now go buy a Trapper Keeper and write his name all over it in pink highlighter.
J.D. Martinez – 0-for-4, lowering his average to .254. The pressure of being the Astros’ hope and dreams obviously caught up to him.
Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks. Threw six no-hit innings until Cody Ross took him deep. He’s being sent back down, but is well worth watching for when he returns. Probably not the first person to make this comparison, but Teheran, Delgado, Minor, Beachy and Hanson? Sounds a lot like what Leo Mazzone was rocking back and forth to for so many years like he was The Masturbating Bear.
Arodys Vizcaino – Speaking of dazzling Brave arms, Vizcaino has 5 1/3 IP, 5 Ks, 2 hits allowed and no earned runs so far since his call-uuuuuuuuup a’la Dave Hester.
Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Of course, he didn’t get the win. Why would he? I started him after all. I will now walk barefoot on crushed glass.
Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER. Continuing to limp along. Cuff him with Cishek or Dunn.
Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Well, that Nova burnt out quickly.
Troy Tulowitzki – Homered for the 2nd game in a row. It must be August or September. (Which is totally unfair, he was actually pretty solid all year.)
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Has five straight quality starts. He’s not owned everywhere, according to ESPN, but he should be.
Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Here’s a video of what Marmol did last night.
Justin Verlander – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, which brings him to a 2.31 ERA, 0.88 WHIP and 204 Ks. Will be a real joy in the playoffs when Tim McCarver explains how Verlander burst onto the scene this year, failing to mention how he’s been dominating 3 of the past 4 years.
Neil Walker – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer. He’s now 5 for his last 8. For someone that was cold for so long this might be the start of something.
Bobby Parnell – The Mets confirmed yesterday what I had been saying for a few weeks. Parnell will take over the closer job now that Izzy got his 300th save. Although the whole time I was saying it, I never stopped to think about it. Who cares if Izzy saved 300 games? Wasn’t like the Mets were doing this for the fanfare. Izzy didn’t even record his 300th save in Metco. Did Outback Steakhouse donate 300 blooming onions to the first 300 fans for the next Mets game? Do the Mets want Izzy to wear their cap when he’s inducted into baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame with Fred McGriff? 300 saves is about as illustrious as a manager winning 300 games over the course of four seasons. May the who’s better “Jason Isringhausen vs. Jeff Reardon” debates now start in earnest!