Wanna really mess with your brain? Think about how you could have the same thing as Guy Pearce in Memento and you would never know. Okay, don’t think about it too long, it’ll mess with your brain too much and then I’m gonna get sued by your loved ones. “Judge, Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), told my darling boy, Josh, to think about how he could have a brain dysfunction and now I have to change his diaper and order in for Chinese food every fifteen minutes because he keeps forgetting he just ate.” That’s your momma in front of the judge, suing me. Steve Pearce is a thirty-one-year-old journeyman. That’s not a cartographer, that’s a guy who isn’t very good and just travels around offering his services for all-you-can-drink Gatorade. Yes, he hit two homers yesterday and has hit 9 homers in just two months while batting .336. This isn’t a matter of “Maybe he’s breaking out now.” No, there’s no breaking out for Steve Pearce. He doesn’t even sound right if you don’t say his full name. There’s no Steve and no Pearce. There’s only Steve Pearce and he’s the hottest schmotato in the land and is worth picking up while he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect it to last that long. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Manny Machado – Suspension was held up for him throwing a bat at the A’s and he will now miss the next five games. That’s what you get for being a douchepants.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Comatose Rangers Fan’s Worst Nightmare Rangers. I wouldn’t pick up Ubaldo, not by the hair on my chinny, chin, lip.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd home run. I can Hardy believe he only has two homers. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him have 20 homers by the end of the year, that means he has a crapton of homers to still get this year.
Joe Saunders – 5 IP, 7 ER. He looked solid in the third inning, but his 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th were questionable. Saunders is all about hugging the median.
Jake Arrieta – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. He went from “He should be 86’d” to Hershiser ’88. Every time Arrieta pitches, ESPN should just turn his box score blue to signal that he’s about to almost throw a no-hitter. I wonder if Giancarlo would notice if I brought Arrieta along on our dates. On the for serious, could someone Dropbox Arrieta to me? I want cuddle time. Oh, and for those of you wondering how Arrieta pitches a one-hitter in seven and two-thirds and doesn’t get the lede, I gave you an Arrieta lede a week ago when those other sites were telling you not to trust him.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. See what I said about four inches above for Hardy. For our four girl readers, that’s not really 12 inches above. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Cubs. I streamed Peavy for this start, but dropped him prior to the game even finishing, and that was a 15-team league, so I wouldn’t fall in love.
Albert Pujols – Says he has a swollen lymph node the size of a golf ball in his groin area. My question is, hanging next to this golf ball, does he also have a tiny rotten banana? Cause, if so, that might not be a swollen lymph node.
Tyler Skaggs – Will return to the rotation on Wednesday. Hopefully he doesn’t go to pitch and mistakenly grab one of Pujols’s golf balls.
David Wright – Out with his rotator cuff injury until Friday. Him and Machado should go on a trip together. Maybe Graceland. I could be a travel agent. I don’t know anything about booking trips or rooms, but if anyone asks me for a suggestion on a trip, I usually have one within two minutes.
Raul Ibanez – Royals signed him to be a part-time DH and spoil the players’ kids like any grandfather would.
Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Twins. Duffy could string together another two months of solid starts and I won’t tell you to pick him up. His peripherals are hot garbage that was wedged in the middle of your Impala seats for all of the 80’s.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .287. Don’t look now, but Perez is doing exactly what you expected him to. I didn’t say Simon Says not to look now, so it’s fine you read it.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .295. If he would’ve just been halfway decent his first week, I wouldn’t have dropped him. Yes, I’m blaming him for my stupidity.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Fun fact! In the Blondie song, The Tide Is High, it originally went, “The tide is high and I’m Plouffing on,” because Debbie Harry was dating Trevor’s dad, Pete Plouffe.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. Okay, wasn’t a perfect game bid, but with a name like Walker, we’re just gonna have to accept baby steps, Bob.
Brad Miller – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in his last ten games and 5th this month. Well, it’s not April, but it is Miller time.
James Jones – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 steals (15, 16, 17). He completely stopped hitting for about ten days leading into this game, but if you’re slapping your veins for SAGNOF, you can stop your Jonesing for the moment, Eminem.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 3.22. We had a good run. We’ll always have that one start, and that other one. I’d get his address, and promise to write so it’s not awkward, but I think it’s time we let him go.
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (3). Now has two games in a row with a steal. That helps ease the Krazy strikeouts, which he had two more of yesterday. He’s still a hacking mess, and nothing’s changed since I said to sell him.
Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 1 run. Had a homer three games ago, and has a modest four-game hitting streak. They bench him against lefties, but if you have room to platoon him, he’s swinging a little schmotato.
Jonathan Villar – Optioned to Triple-A. He was striking out a lot, but what a slap in the face for the Astros to hold that against one of their players when they have Hurry-K’d Carter, Springer, Castro and, well, their whole team.
Victor Martinez – Scratched due to soreness in his rib cage area. Uh-oh, a Zombino doesn’t have much room for error with injuries. One minute you’re chomping on a stranger’s brain custard, next minute you’re on the DL with a strained oblique.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Two strikeouts? What kind of wussy shizz is that? C’mon, strikeout guys like your name’s Butch!
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with the slam (6) and legs (22). I know, it’s hard to take a guy like Rajai serious when he’s always courting around a fleet of Corgis, the royal SAGNOF dog, and because he’s making Vines with Jarrod Dyson feeding him grapes, but The King of SAGNOF has been more valuable this year than Jay Bruce, Kemp, Heyward, Holliday and Choo, to name just a few.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 2nd steal. Has hit in nine of his last ten games with a homer. Hasn’t done a whole lot to get excited about in the long-term, but in the short-term he could be a quick schmotato at corner infidel.
Josh Reddick – MRI on his knee came back negative, which I’m told is good news, but since he hit the DL due to his knee twice in a month, I’d say he’s three weeks away from good news. On the fo’really.
Yoenis Cespedes – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury that the A’s are saying could just be a cramp. They just need to isolate the injury from Cespedes’s other 99 legs.
Scott Kazmir – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. It was first reported he left with an injury, but the A’s denied that later. Don’t worry, something will knock him out for a month or two, but this didn’t seem like it.
Sean Doolittle – 1/3 IP, 4 ER and his 3rd blown save. Yes, Doolittle has been terrific for the better part of two months, but this is the 2nd game in a row he’s blown a save. How long of a leash do you think the A’s are going to give him? A lot shorter than Rajai with his Corgis, that’s for sure. I grabbed Luke Gregerson in one league. One more blown save and Doolittle’s gonna wish he could Doosomething.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Coming into this game, he was hitting .176 this past week and .217 on the year. I say that because I’m thinking the same thing as you, how long do I have to be a cyclops with a monocle on Lowrie before he gets hot?
Jesse Hahn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Fans should hold up a picture of a white person every time Hahn gets a strikeout. You know, a Hahn-K.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks. When you get the Reds and Padres together, there’s gonna be some good old fashioned nothing going on!
Hanley Ramirez – Out again on Monday with a strained vajayjay. Apologies to our four girl readers, or, I guess, make it five if Hanley’s reading.
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.57. I believe there was three hits after 8 PM PST in all of baseball yesterday.
Evan Gattis – Headed to the DL with a bulging thoracic disk. That sounds painful until you think about it like he has one of those corn chip snacks, a Bugle, sticking out of his back. Now it sounds delicious. Hey, that should be Bugles tag line: We sound delicious! How am I not on Madison Avenue?
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mess and Zack Wheeler (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks). I swear the Braves didn’t score until after Wood left the game because I had him going in multiple leagues. I mean, the Braves start sneezing when they get to a three-ball count because they are so allergic to walks, and here Wheeler walked the park in the first six innings, and only one run, then they score later on. I need to go to Nepal and talk to someone about correcting my fantasy karma. Oh, and the Stream-o-Nator likes Wheeler’s next start, and I don’t trust him, so take that as you will.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, and his 11th homer, as he bats .231 and leadoff. Meanwhile, he went against the Braves and B.J. Upton (2-for-4, 1 run, batting .209) hitting leadoff. Elias Sports Bureau said that not since 1982 had two more unlikely guys hit leadoff in the same game. In 1982, Joel Youngblood hit leadoff for the Mets and Expos in the same game.
CC Sabathia – Will make his next rehab start on Thursday in Trenton. Lovely city to visit, keep your wallet in your front pocket, CC!
Matt Joyce – 1-for-6 and his 3rd homer in two games. I think Schwarzenegger told Joyce to, “Dooo eeeet,” and it awakened his latent lust for Joyce DeWitt.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-5 his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, so everyone but Longoria is suddenly hot on the Rays. It doesn’t hurt that they’re facing the AL Least’s pitching.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.24. Honestly, I’ve had a hard time telling people to hold onto Archer, even in his animated, cartoon brilliance. His xFIP, K/9, BB/9 are relatively fine for a fifth fantasy starter, but a hair under exciting. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I wouldn’t trust him either.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting near-.450 in the last week and has at least two hits in three straight games. It doesn’t give me much pleasure to say, but I grabbed him in the RCL for MI.
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER in the 8th inning, then Joel Peralta blew the save, because Maddon can’t leave a good thing alone. I’ve never seen anything like it. Maddon is so loyal to his junky closers over the years, it’s insane. He went back to Balfour way past anyone had any right to. Crazy loyal. But simply because someone isn’t named the closer (McGee), he doesn’t go to him for the save, even though he’s proven he can do the job. It’s seriously the logic of a mental patient.
Oscar Taveras – Guess who’s back? Back again. Here’s a hint: his name was in front of the blurb. Let’s recount what he did last time he was called up and played nearly every day. Dot, dot, dot, hmm, dot, dot, dot. When I think in real life, that’s what I say out loud. “Excuse me, beautifully mustachioed man, may I take your order?” “Dot, dot, dot, hmm, dot, dot, dot.” It sounds a bit like Mike Morse making a phone call. So, when Taveras filled in for an injured Moobs, Oscar didn’t do a lot, and now there’s not even an injury for him to get playing time. So, I like Taveras, I think he can be solid, but I’m not even sure where he’s playing this time. The Cards seem just about done with Allen Craig, so maybe he gets benched, but they’re not going to bench him every day. When Taveras was up last time, he had a clear run at playing time, and didn’t even get it, so I don’t think it suddenly happens this time. In deep leagues, I’d grab him, but I wouldn’t expect him to get everyday playing time immediately. It could happen though if he hits.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he moved back to 3rd base. I’ll give him two weeks until he’s injured again. I can’t wait! Seriously, I want to drop him, but need a feasible reason.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Solid number two fantasy starter. See, J-Z is easier to figure than what the hell Beyonce is saying with, “Surfboard.”
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 9th steal. According to our Player Rater, he’s given around $15 of value. For shortstops, that puts him around 6th overall. He won’t catch Tulo (hopefully) or Dee Gordon (probably), but the only thing that’s lacking from his game is average and Desmond can turn his .235 average around to .255 in about two weeks.
Jhoulys Chacin – Hit the DL with a shoulder injury. Now you can look at that team in your league with Chacin in their lineup and know without a shadow of a doubt that they are not paying attention.
Corey Dickerson – Out with a hamstring cramp. If there was something you could put in a drink that was undetectable by taste, but gave you a hamstring cramp, Weiss put it in Dickerson’s drink.
Carlos Gonzalez – Hit off a tee. Was he standing on Pujols’s torso when he did it?