If Bernie Madoff never ripped off investors to the tune of eighteen billion dollars, the world would be a different place. The US wouldn’t be exporting trillions of golfers’ plaid pants from Boca Raton, Florida to Scotland to be used as kilts. Maserati dealers in Long Island, Beverly Hills and Palm Beach wouldn’t be sweating their child’s $50,000 nursery school tuition. Nannies in Connecticut would have time to watch daytime talk shows rather than putting bottles of rare wines on eBay. But one of the biggest hits taken by Madoff was the Mets owner, Fred Wilpon. Ever wonder why Bobby Bonilla is still getting a million dollars a year from the Mets in a Swiss bank account made out to the name “Bobby Barramundi?” Madoff ran the Mets’ finances. I bring this up because if Madoff were still at the wheel, the Mets would probably send Mr. Met to the proper specialist for his gigantism and they would’ve called up Zack Wheeler already. Money’s the issue for both. Super 2 cutoff is a funky thing to figure, but to the best of my abilities, I’ve ascertained Wheeler can be called up May 15th or June 4th. A month ago, Terry Collins was already asking for Wheeler to be called up to replace Hefner. If the Mets keep him down past the first week of June, it’s because Wheeler is injured or because the Mets are saying to their fans, “We don’t care, and Terry Collins can suck a big fat one.” Why do you care for fantasy baseball purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading? Because Wheeler could be nearly as good as Harvey. His control in the minor leagues is slightly worse than Harvey’s was, but his Ks are just as purdy. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “Wheeler had a phenomenal 2012, posting impressive numbers between Double- and Triple-A: 3.26 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 8.9 K/9. The 22-year-old features a plus fastball that sits in the mid-90s, and he counters with plus-plus curve, a slider, and a change — the latter two are both nice offerings. It’s a deep repertoire for a pitcher of his age, but Wheeler commands it well and baffles hitters with his sequencing, unlike Grey who baffles people with his sequins shirts.” Huh? I don’t wear sequins shirts (anymore). In most mixed leagues, now is the time to start stashing Wheeler, he’s gonna be a great one. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kelly Johnson – When you address Kelly Johnson, you say, “Your grace,” because he’s the King of the Hot Schmotatoes, Lord of the West of Orlando’s.
Yonder Alonso – While the Padres are away not by the sea, the Padres hitters will play in fantasy. Eat your heart out, Bernie Taupin!
Mitch Moreland – He’s a Mitch, I’m a lover. I’m a child, I’m a mother.
Mike Moustakas – Hey, I hate his guts as much, if not more than you. If you wanna have a “I hate Mostsuckass” pissing contest, let’s get it on! Just know you’re up against a guy who has an “Eff You” t-shirt in his car trunk on the chance I ever see Mostsuckass around town. With that said (here comes the reversal), he should still be owned.
Didi Gregorius – He’s not this good of a bat, but neither is Carlos Gomez and doode’s hitting, like, .500, so whatever ride the lightning, Lars.
Dee Gordon – During the All-Star Game festivities, they should have a Home Run Derby…with the hitters standing at 2nd base. Like you wouldn’t watch that.
Stephen Drew – You could also put Hardy here, or grab both and have the best Young Adult fiction middle infield.
Heath Bell – I just went over my Heath Bell fantasy. I wrote it while getting a Brazilian.
Koji Uehara – Yes, the Red Sox said Tazawa would be the closer while Bailey is hurt. Tazawa also has no closer experience and who knows how long Bailey will be out. I think by the end of June, Koji will have a save or three.
Domonic Brown – It’s silly at this point in the year to look at a full season pace, but Brown’s on pace for 27 homers and will likely contribute 7 to 10 steals. Even if he hits below .240 (which he won’t), that’s ownable.
Jimmy Paredes – In Triple this year, he had 3 homers and 7 steals in 30 games while batting .366. In Triple-A last year, he had 13 homers and 37 steals and a .318 average in a full season. No, I have no idea why he didn’t start the year with the Astros, but he’s up now and could go 8/25 the rest of the season and will probably hit in the top two spots of the lineup. He should be owned in most leagues, not just AL-Only ones.
Oswaldo Arcia – On one hand, I love me some upside rookies with power and Arcia has that. On the other hand, it’s admittedly hard to get excited about Twins hitters. On the third hand that is actually a candle with a glove on it, I’d grab Arcia if I needed some sweet upsidey power.
Marcell Ozuna – On the fourth hand that is actually a taxidermied baboon foot is a rookie, power hitter on the Marlins.
Michael Brantley – If I had to say one outfielder I’m most excited about from this list, I’d say Brantley, but Brown shouldn’t even be on this list because he should be owned in more than my arbitrary cut off of 50% owned. By tomorrow, Arcia, Paredes and Joyce could all overtake Brantley for my most exciting outfielder on a list of only outfielders owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues, but there ya go. How’s them hedges? Trimmed!
Matt Joyce – So, there’s a rabbi, a Puerto Rican and a Canadian in a canoe. The rabbi says to the Canadian, “Why did you pick up Joyce, Jay and John Jaso?” The Canadian replies, “I’m a Jays fan.” Joyce has been sitting against lefties, which the Rays faced a lot of this past week, but Joyce should still be owned.
Jon Jay – Our great nation was built on three simple principles 1) Don’t fart in an elevator. 2) Own Jon Jay when he’s hitting. 3) There’s no 3. To the second principle, Jay is hitting near .500 in the last week.
Ryan Doumit – The translation of ‘without glove’ in German is Doumit. Fact! He has been hitting though.
Chris Tillman – You know what it’s like to love unconditionally? I don’t. I’m fickle as shizz, but Tillman gets the Padres and Rays next.
Burch Smith – Young rookie getting called up by the Padres. He’s been great in Double-A, but is a wait and see outside of NL-Only leagues. Hopefully his fans who dress up like bears and call themselves, Burch’s Root Bears, follow him for moral support.
Scott Kazmir – Just went over him this morning. Scroll down…Or is it up?
Travis Wood – Wanna hear something comical that really isn’t funny at all? Of course you do! Here’s me the last few days with picking up and dropping Travis Wood: Okay, I’m gonna pick up Wood… Koji’s the closer, dropping Wood! Tazawa’s the closer, picking up Wood! I need a hitter for a short schedule day, dropping Wood! Raburn’s not even playing, picking up Wood! Heath Bell’s the closer, dropping Wood! How did Ryan Roberts end up on my team? Picking up Wood! So, yes, Wood is the first guy off my team, but I do like him. Enough to pick him up 7 times in 3 days!
Hector Santiago – He goes to Minnesota next, don’t cha know? Stream-o-Nator likes it. You need more? You’re greedy. That’s a deadly sin. Along with leaving only a drop of milk so the next person thinks there’s milk in the refrigerator but there really isn’t.
Jeff Locke – If Jeff is the key to fantasy success, then show me the Locke.
Hunter Pence – He currently has more steals than he did all of last year. Sure, last year he played part of the year with the Phillies and trying to decipher Charlie Manuel’s steal sign isn’t always easy, “When I go to the bubbler, you make like a crawfish with ants in its pants. If I pull on my overall straps like Uncle Elmer, then you are honey on a cold day.” Yes, I like to joke that Pence’s got OCD, needing to keep his homers and steals the same number while tapping his foot on the bag exactly 27 times. But, since 2010, his steals have been on a huge down swing. He has the kind of speed that if he gets the slightest of tweaks in his leg, his steals will totally disappear. Pence’s pace is 30/30. Pfft, as I suspiciously place my pinkie on my philtrum. (Say that fast 117 times!) Then, you throw in that his home park severely suppresses homers. Well, I wouldn’t sell him for two tickets to the Pageant of the Masters (why did Velázquez draw so many dwarfs? I’m scared.), but I would explore offers.