Jonny Gomes was acquired by the Washington Nationals. This is exciting for Gomes’s family and any National fans who like to make signs for the games but can’t write the letter H. Gomes will platoon with Nix and, if anything, his value is hurt a bit by the home venue change. The real story is the call up of Reds prospect, Yonder Alonso. In 353 ABs in Triple-A this year, Alonso had 12 homers and 6 steals with a .297 average. I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye. Reds TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.” His starting time may be iffy in Cincy, platooning in left field. Did this stop me from grabbing him? Well, to use one of the worst songs of all time, I’d rather hurt you with honesty than mislead you with a lie so I’ll just come out and tell you I grabbed Alonso in every league where I could. My leagues are deep though, so in most mixed leagues you can wait to see his playing time. In keepers and NL-Only leagues, you proceed without caution. Or no caveat emptor, for our friends in Latin America. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game after getting beaned in the melon. He left on his own power and is being called day-to-day with no signs of a concussion. Maybe the hit on the head will have him return as Jason Bourne. That would be cool. Then he bring down Aaron Hill for trying to kill my fantasy teams.
Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. Aw, speaking of the devil, and I don’t mean devil in the idiomatic sense. Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive. How on earth (assuming Canada is on earth) does he only have 5 homers? He had three months last year where he hit 5 or more homers. Maybe his bats ain’t accustomed to going through customs.
Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with his 19th homer. In June, he had back-to-back homer games then went four games without a homer then he hit a homer. This month he had back-to-back homer games then went four games and guess what? He hit a homer. Damn, how does Jayson Stark make that trivial shizz interesting? Oh, wait, he doesn’t.
Brandon Morrow – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. So inconsistent proves that Morrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.
Yunesky Maya – Gave up 7 runs in his last Triple-A start. The Nats wish it was May 5th when he rafted over from Cuba so they could’ve sinka de Maya.
Matt Holliday – Out with food poisoning. Rasmus sprinkled some expired Colby cheese on his lunch.
David Freese – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer. And no injury!
Zach Britton – With a 5.40 ERA in Double-A, he’ll get the call in a doubleheader vs. the Yanks. I’m sure Zach is thrilled. Come on up to face the Yankees! I’m expecting a Not-So-Great Britton.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers to bring his season total to 16. Potatoes to chips, I never thought I’d be so happy to own Hardy. For those new to the site, the potatoes to chips phrase’s sole purpose is to befuddle you into thinking it means something. Don’t be fooled! But feel free to use it in everyday conversation. Potatoes to chips, I already brought in the mail. Potatoes to chips, I have to stay late at work so start dinner without me. Potatoes to chips, I have herpes. It works for every occasion!
Derrek Lee – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs with his 11th home run. When we’re in July and he gets more than 12% of his RBIs in one game, it’s not a season to remember. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s been a 2nd half hitter in recent memory.
Vance Worley – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. About two weeks ago when I told you to pick up Worley, someone commented that he (Worley, not the commenter) was due for a regression. He has a 2.02 ERA — of course he’s going to regress! Still, while he’s pitching like Sandy Koufax meets Don Drysdale — Dandy Koufdale, pick him up.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks for his 14th win. Through 161 innings(!), his ERA is now at 1.79 (!!) with a 0.95 WHIP (!!!). He makes me want to grow a mullet and be ugly.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. The bad news is he’s limping to the “You’re finished” line. Good news is he’s lowering his draft position for next year.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 as Emily Boneface’s hitting streak has reached 24 games. Pretty remarkable from a guy who I’m not even sure has ever hit in 24 games total throughout a season.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer. Morrison didn’t break on through like I thought he would so far this year. His walk rate has plummeted pretty dramatically, which makes me think he might be pressing because of some bad luck with balls hit into play. Or as Shakira might say, BABIPs don’t lie.
Josh Johnson – However, ball clubs do lie. It’s now being reported that Johnson won’t pitch again in 2011. I have a secret for you, he won’t pitch all of 2012 either. Let’s call it an educated guess.
Brian McCann – The mysterious oblique injury laid dormant for a few weeks, letting hamstring pulls and concussions take center stage, but now it’s back. McCann might be McCan’t for a few weeks as he was placed on the 15-day DL.
CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and he struck out 14 of 25 Mariners he faced. In an effort to stop the losing streak, Eric Wedge shaved off his mustache. That’s all you had going for you, man. Everyone knows the entire cliche is “Don’t shoot the messenger and don’t ever shave your mustache.” Through the years the “don’t ever shave your mustache” part was dropped because it’s IMPLIED!
David Ortiz – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and Dustin Pedroia also went 4-for-5. With the Yankees vs. the Mariners blowout and the Sawx playing the peasant Royals, Selig’s league parity is working almost as well as his toupee.
Billy Butler – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week. One for each of his luscious moobs. Along with Derrek Lee, he was also in the 2nd half hitters to watch post.
Neftali Feliz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Guess he’s using reverse psychology to convince the Rangers they don’t need Heath Bell.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with a homer. I didn’t see it so I’m gonna assume the box score had a typo. Carry on.
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 6 unearned runs. I nearly had a heart attack from this ticker shock.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his first homer in what feels like a year but is really only since July 8th. Someone asked in our forums why no power for Votto and I’m really not sure. His line drive percentage is way up and his homer per fly ball is down, so maybe he’s just making too good of contact, if such a thing exists. It’s not like his other numbers are poor. I think it’s the kind of thing that will correct itself.
John Axford – Tied Doug Jones’ Brewers record for consecutive saves (25). Doug Jones still owns the record for mistaking the kielbasa mascot from the 7th inning stretch race for an actual sausage and biting its ankle. A record seven times!
Tim Byrdak – Got the save yesterday because Parnell and Izzy were used the last two days. Oh, and July 27th is the winning entry for “Pick the date Tim Byrdak makes it into a roundup.”
Tim Lincecum – Was scratched with a bad case of the flu. Brian Wilson rubbed VapoRub on Lincecum’s hairless chest and said, “I’m a certified ninja and home nurse. He’ll be feeling better quicker than a penguin screws a duck. Giants do it with science. Now watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite!”