Au Shucks, Au No, Au Crap, Au Whatever You Want To Say, it’s Au Not So Good. Au contraire mon frere, it’s auful. On Friday night, in a meaningless at-bat in a meaningless game in a meaningless season by the lowly Diamondbacks team, lowly’s meaning: less, Paul Goldschmidt entered the game as a pinch hitter and was plunked* (*trademark Eric Plunk), and now has a broken hand. Au, c’mon, can’t we have anything nice? Au, guys and four girls, it’s au so bad. Am I au right? Au, sadly no, I’m not au right; shizz has gone pear shape and au wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have paid retail for this word ‘au;’ now I feel compelled to use it so auften. Aufortunately, Goldschmidt is droppable in redraft leagues. Here’s hoping he’s fine for next year. Au please. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Pedro Alvarez – o-for-1, didn’t start yesterday and there’s some rumblings that Alvarez is going to see the bench quite often, because he can’t hit (that’s not new) and he’s been Knoblauching his throws at third for a while, which is not to say he’s domesticing his woman with a forearm shiver. By the by, Knoblauch might be the only person to seriously raise doubts about his guilt when he says, “I didn’t mean to hit her, I meant to kick the TV. My aim is off!”
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 10th homer on Saturday. Harrison started at 3rd base yesterday While My Alvarez Gently Weeps and because the Pirates feel like they need Something that Harrison provides.
Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game after grabbing his side. No one knows where the oblique is, not even doctors, not even Tommy Medica, but it sounds like where an oblique might be. Stay tuned for more news from me, after I read the update elsewhere tomorrow.
Angel Pagan – The Duality of Man plans to return Tuesday and bridge the gap between good and evil and the top of the lineup and the middle. Weighty goals, for sure.
Madison Bumgarner – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Bartolo Colon (4 2/3 IP, 6 ER). The matchup was billed in the New York media as Bum vs. Giant Ass. For Vegas oddsmakers who bet simply on the chances a starter will or won’t get through a door frame, there were some big winners yesterday.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (14, 15). By his 2nd homer, Mets fans were actually cheering Pence in Metco, because, after his first homer, they realized that his gangly man bird arms flailing wildly as he circled the bases acted as a natural mosquito repellant.
Buster Posey – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Look at Buster going Bluth goes the dynamite!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer as he was activated from the DL on Saturday. If you lost Goldy (sigh pronounced au…), I could see grabbing Belt if he’s out there. He’s a solid run producer with occasional homers and a decent average…Yeah, it sounded better in my head, but he’s playing at least.
Jacob deGrom – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.77. Not sure if there’s any trade value for him in redraft leagues or if trading deadlines have passed already or if people have moved on to fantasy football leagues (we need commissioners!), but I still think deGrom is pitching way over his head. I don’t even trust him for his next start, and the Stream-o-Nator agrees.
Carlos Gonzalez – Out with a sprained ankle. He says he should be back on Tuesday. I believe him. I don’t think he’s going to make it healthy to Friday though. CarGo once missed 17 days of high school due to a hickey getting infected.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Here’s why I liked him so much in the preseason. He seems capable of racking up Ks when he wants to. It just depends if Porcello wants to be a fungi for fantasy.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks. Oh, I see what it was with Porcello. He wasn’t being a fungi; he was facing the Rockies on the road without Tulo and CarGo. Yesterday, the Rockies didn’t even play Blackmon — racist!
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and hit his 23rd homer and 2nd in as many days. The Zombino’s walking with his arms outstretched, eating pitchers’ brains again. And posing for pictures with children. He’s not a monster, after all.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 and his 26th steal. Now has three straight games with multiple hits. Looks like The King of SAGNOF is not platooning much at all with the departure of Austin Jackson. Tiger fans will just have to deal with the pomp and circumstance that comes with the King, like when he has a corgi bring him his glove in the outfield.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.04. Yup, he’s better than that other pitcher on your team. Yup, him too.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and nine for his last 14 over the weekend. Hot schmotato alert!
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .357 over the weekend. Yeah, I’m liking a bunch of Twin hitters right now. It’s like Kent Hrbek is writing the roundup. If Plouffe is the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water. What is a Hrbek? The sound a bedpost makes when it’s hitting the wall? Hrbek, Hrbek, Hrbek…Shh…The neighbors are gonna hear us.
Danny Santana – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two steals (7, 8). Oh, and he has two homers in the last four games. On our last 30-day Player Rater, Santana has given more value than Starlin Castro, Aybar, Asdrubal, Tulo at short, and Moss, Nelson Cruz, Khris Davis in the outfield.
Oswaldo Arcia – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. The Twins scored 16 runs yesterday, so even Oswaldo couldn’t hide himself in a striped shirt and stocking cap.
Jason Vargas – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER in his first start back from the DL. Varbelch.
James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Seems to go against his better nature, but Shields should stop fending off opponents and start attacking for punch outs.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-3 and two homers (7, 8). Why am I alone in bed, picking up Reddick and hearing Hrbek? Hmm… Reddick is owned in 28% of leagues, which is silly low. As Kirk Cameron would tell you, get on board or get left behind!
James Paxton – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER in his first start since April. He looked more rusty than Rusty Kuntz. Fun fact! Christina Hendricks’s business cards are on the back of Rusty Kuntz baseball cards. Better than using Kuntz’s uncle. I don’t have a ton of confidence all will be right with Paxton. His upside is worth the patience for one more start, then we’ll need to reevaluate.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer. He hit a leadoff homer in the first and then neither team scored again, which I believe means Greece moves onto the next round.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.78, which makes him a solid arm in very deep leagues, like AL-Only ones, but he has a sub-6 K/9, 3+ BB/9 and isn’t ownable in any mixed leagues outside of the occasional stream. That’s The Chris Tillman Story.
Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-1. Has now failed to start two days in a row. Classic Fredi Gonzalez to trade for a player and make him a pinch hitter. God forbid they move the .211 hitting Upton out of the leadoff slot. The whole house of turds would collapse. Mean’s while, Emily Boneface is left in the dugout reading poems that rhyme “feminist mystique” with “Chic, Le Freak.”
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and two steals (15, 16). He also had a steal on Friday. Not completely convinced he’s out of the woods yet, but he’s been chopping down his fantasy value all year, so hopefully.
Tommy Medica – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and third homer this weekend. Medica is a doctor in name only, and has been swinging a hot bat. If you have to grab Medica to replace Goldy, I’ll place a bid on eBay for you for the world’s smallest violin.
Will Venable – 2-for-4, 1 run and hitting close to .400 in the last week. So, you’re saying the hottest hitters are Padres and Twins? Oy.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and a slam (13) and legs (6), that was his 5th homer this week. Won’t be easy to bamboozle fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) into choosing him in the 2nd round next year, but he’s obviously making a run at it.
Josh Beckett – 4 IP, 3 ER. I don’t know why the Dodgers haven’t put him back on the DL, but why is this your concern? You an investor in the club? Did you inherit your shares from your great-uncle and your name is Twig Rickey? That’s great, doesn’t matter. Lose Beckett in mixed leagues.
Chris Coghlan – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Now has five straight games with multiple hits, and has been hitting at or near the top of the lineup. That’s your cue to look at your waivers for him. Yes, you! No, the guy putting a Kick Me sign on your back.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Elsewhere, a Cubs fan altered a Valbuena jersey to read, Valbryant.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4. Stupid Gerardo Parra started on Saturday over Davis due to Ned Yost wanting to see what Parra can do. What did he do? 0-for-3 with two Ks. You don’t need to be an expert on Ancient Aliens to figure out what Parra can do (though I am waiting for the Ancient Aliens episode about Andrelton), so hopefully Yost will play Davis on most days.
Matt Garza – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 4 Ks, but left the game with an oblique strain. Garza was hoping shaving the landing strip off his chin would end the warring factions in his body that kept pulling him to the DL, but there’s no peace for the Garza strip.
Kolten Wong – 0-for-4 and a slam (7) and legs (16) on Saturday, that’s in only 239 ABs. For those who aren’t the best at math, he’s on pace for 15 homers and 34 steals over the course of a full season. Yup.
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 5 ER. That’s a huge step for Masterson. Not that he looked good. It’s a huge step for him to stop giving people false hope.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Is it me or does Lackey’s player page picture make him look like he’s been partying with Lohan for the last ten years? Easy on the devil’s dandruff, Lackey.
Henderson Alvarez – He says he can return on his first day eligible on August 14th. His doctor said, “He-Al only has shoulder inflammation.” Can’t confirm if he said He-Al while karate chopping a plank of wood in half.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Dah, I was thisclose to picking him up yesterday. Like an R&B song I never heard, he was the batty call I should’ve made.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. He now has as many steals as homers. Who died and made him Yunel? Yunel definitely didn’t, unless Joe Maddon’s been Doing the Bernie at shortstop all year.
Todd Frazier – 4-for-5, 1 RBI and hitting .295. You don’t think I can rank Frazier in the top 25 next year? You don’t know me well enough.
Devin Mesoraco – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Sticking with the newly established theme about next year’s ranking, you don’t think I can rank Mesoraco lower than every other ‘pert? You really don’t know me well enough.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was a solid matchup vs. the MIA Marlins, and he gets them once again next time out. No, not next time out as in when you tell your kid to stand in the corner for 45 minutes while you watch TV, the next time Leake pitches.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and a slam (14) and legs (11) on Saturday. My distrust on whether or not he could hit for enough power or steal enough bases to be mixed league worthy has been Rendon’d obsolete.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks in only 99 pitches. Surprised the Nationals can tie their shoes while wearing those kid gloves. Walter Johnson used to throw 99 pitches to one batter! (Though that was during The Great Plague of 1917 when they employed player-umps and lots of foul tips were called even when a batter didn’t swing.)
Denard Span – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals (22, 23). Who let Denard Dog out? Woof, woof, woof! On a side note, when you type “Who let the dogs out” into Google, one of the first suggestions is “Who let the dogs out meaning.” Yeah, I can imagine there’s a ton of subtext with this song. It’s like Randy Newman wrote it. When they’re saying let the dogs out, they’re actually referring to prisoners of Guantanamo, and ‘woof,’ of course, is a textile that political prisoners used to make flags. Or there’s just a bunch of dogs in a room and someone is discovering that the door was left open.
Marcus Stroman – 3 IP, 5 ER. I don’t know who that guy with the cooler of body parts was, but he sure was nice to watch my drink while I went to the bathroom… *five hours later* Hey, is this The Cure playing Just Like Heaven? Wait, are they playing it in heaven? Ah!!! Roofie!!!
Dexter Fowler – Nearing rehab assignment. Here I thought he retired. Where did this young brother go? Doode was expected to return three weeks ago and he’s only now nearing a rehab assignment? Fowler, that messes up people’s iCals, you should know better.
Jon Singleton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and a homer on Saturday, his 4th homer in the last eight games. More indicative that he’s hot isn’t the power, but the two hits yesterday. He’s hitting around .300 in the last week, and I’d absolutely grab him.
Scott Feldman – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Wasn’t quite as pretty as it looks on paper because around the 7th inning, Feldman dyed his hair dark black, started talking about a sequel to Lost Boys and began emancipating himself from the Astros.
Michael Bourn – Ran the bases on Saturday. Good to see Bourn getting in touch with his identity.
Trevor Bauer – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. On the for realie, Bauer is going to have to stop throwing one of six pitches, focus on just three of his best pitches, or he’s never going to take the next step in his career. Why just a wee blogger like moi can see this, but his coaches can’t? I have no idea. Seems pretty Effen vodka obvious.
David Murphy – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s this week’s Creeper. In that post, you’ll hear about my encounter with a chihuahua that was hung like a horse. Was trying to eat lunch and this not-so-little guy just kept swinging his thing around. At one point, he swung it around, grabbed it with his front paws, and start spraying it like he was a Ghostbuster.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-6 and his 16th homer. Since I’ve lost half my team to injuries in the last two weeks, I beg you, Brantley, fireman carry me to the finish line.
Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and his first blown save. Probably nothing here yet, but if you don’t think I grabbed Cotts already, you’re not paying attention to my needs. And here I thought we were buddies. Now, I’m sad. I hope you’re happy!
Mike Carp – Rangers traded for him from the Red Sox. It’s unclear what the Red Sox are receiving back, because the Sawx were surprised they were allowed to ask for something back from the Rangers for Crap.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Too bad he’s so awesome I literally poop myself when he does something good. Luckily, I bought stock in Pampers in March. Grey’s smart!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near .500 in the last week, and three homers in the past ten days. Imagine he’s on a lot of teams that are out of it, so the Zombino is ghost riding the whip.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer and hitting near .450 in the last week. Looks like the little man would’ve been a nice buy low around the All-Star break. Little men rule, or at least that’s what I tell my lady suitors.
Allen Craig – Hit fifth on Friday, but turned his ankle and missed Saturday and Sunday. I’m holding for a few more days, because I think once he’s healthy, the Red Sox are going to play him every day. I could be wrong, but to prove my confidence, I’ll bet you my fourth round Segura on it.
Wil Myers – Will start a rehab assignment on Saturday. When you return, Myers, may the world open to you like in the Russian novel titled, Gyorkoff’s Return.
Jake Odorizzi – 3 IP, 5 ER. Damn, took him four months of stellar pitching to get his ERA below 4, and in his first game of August, it bumped his ERA right back to 4.09. Odorizzini, “Inconceivable!” I’d hold him for his next start, but as we saw in April, he can go terrible as quick as he can look good.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4 and 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer on Saturday. Don’t fully trust Maddon to start him every day, but he looks like an ever-so-slight hot schmotato.
C.J. Wilson – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he returned from the DL. Head and Shoulders anagrams to Dunderhead Halos. You decide how much that applies.