Yeah, last week I told you to buy Kris Bryant. This week it’s Jorge Soler. Next week, it’ll probably be Jody Davis Jr. After that, we’re all going to move to the north side of Chicago, get one of those beef sandwiches they say are Italian that don’t look like anything any Italian I know would eat, then we’ll chow down on some pizza that could double as mattress padding and we’ll say da instead of the. Chicago’s my kind of fantasy prospect town. The only reason why I’m talking about these Cubs prospects — well, not the only reason, but a good reason — it’s late in the year and prospects are called up on September 1st. Specificlly talking about Cubs prospects, because I want to get in a Hot Tub Time Machine with them and go back one minute every other minute so I can stretch out my time with them. Like a real romantic! So, on Jorge Soler. He’s hot butter on Oprah’s thigh with Stedman moving in. Sexy and weirdly erotic. Soler, Bryant and Baez are like 1A, 1B, there’s no 1C and 1D. Soler missed a month earlier in the year with a hamstring injury, but he’s been fine for a while now. Shoot, I’d even say F-I-N-E, fine. He has some slight speed, 30-homer power and a .280 average. Basically, every All-Star outfielder of the last ten years. Unlike Bryant, Theo hasn’t said Soler won’t come up. Soler almost definitely will. Grabbing a guy with something to prove with this much talent, this is what H2H leagues are won with! Or any leagues, for that matter. Look at Baez, he’s on a 70-homer pace. What, you don’t want 70 homers? I’d stash Soler now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alex Avila – Twenty homers in a week isn’t enough for you, huh? Oh, it is. Okay, keep that mind space and then think about how three homers in the last eight games and twenty in the last seven aren’t that far off. C’mon, lie to yourself a little better, you can do it! Everyone that meets you after reading your Tinder profile thinks lying to yourself is your best trait.
Travis d’Arnaud – Catchers are a dime a dozen, and this week’s catcher dimes are these two schmohawks.
Kennys Vargas – Fun fact! When he was born, he was given the name Kenny, but then he was so big, and just coming out of his mother’s birth canal, they added an extra Kenny.
Adam Lind – Since his return from the DL, he’s picked up right where he left off. See, he left off with an 0-for-3 and he picked up with the same. Lind hasn’t done a lot since he’s returned, but he could. Could rhymes with should. What else do you need?
Jordy Mercer – There’s guys that went to elementary school with Mercer who are still to this day saying, “Sure, he’s in the majors, but his name is still Jordy. For that reason, I’d still pick on him.” Seriously, dubya tee eff, what the eff in the eff hole is a Jordy? I want to give him a Wet Willie and I don’t even know him. Oh, and he’s been hitting.
Jonathan Schoop – Shh, don’t tell anyone in 2015. He has 11 homers and is owned in less than 1% of leagues. That’s not a typo. At middle infield? Yes. Make sense? Well, let’s just not talk too loud. We need middle infield sleepers for next year that seem amazing in March that we want to kill in May.
Kris Bryant – Still a must-grab in keepers and very deep leagues, but right after I wrote last week’s buy, Theo said Bryant won’t be up this year. Phooey to that, but we still have Soler. He will be up. Foo’eally to that.
Norichika Aoki – He’s cemented himself back in the leadoff spot on the Royals — don’t laugh, it’s not that bad — and he’s been hitting and stealing a few bases. Plus, Norichika is a seaweed wrapped piece of gum. Doesn’t that sound delicious?
Carl Crawford – 2007 called and it wants its hot schmotato back. Gon’nab’it that never gets old. I’d slap my knee if I wasn’t suspended in an anti-aging chamber.
Michael Pineda – If you like Michael Pineda, and making love in the rain. If you’re not into Yovani Galardo — YoGa — and drinking champagne– Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Let me take out my rollers. Help yourself to Pineda if you’re in a deep league.
Jake Odorizzi – You calculate his ERA since May and then tell me why he’s still owned in less than 50% of leagues; I’m done doing the work for you.
Tsuyoshi Wada – Not entirely sure why I like him as much as I do. His fastball averages below 90 MPH, which means his 9+ K-rate in the minors probably won’t find its way into the majors. He does have nice control and should be less dangerous than most rookies. I hate to compare him to Hisashi because it seems like I’m only doing it because they’re both Asian, but, well, you’re the one that’s judging my motives. Jerkface.
Collin McHugh – Could put him in the same ball of wax as Odorizzi, only McHugh’s April wasn’t even that bad. Actually, it was pristine — 0.59 ERA. His July ran into some issues, but overall his numbers are terrific, that-a-way–> 9.8 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.18 xFIP. Don’t get bogged down in why you’ve never heard of him prior to this year and/or that he plays with the Astros; just grab him.
Jon Niese – He’s usually fairly safe, like his teammate Gee, but this is more of a Stream-o-Nator call than anything. SON likes Niese almost as much as a promenade caricaturist, “There’s so much to work with!”
Kyle Hendricks – Kind of a carbon copy of teammate, Wada. Pretty meh fastball, but his secondary stuff is slightly more meh (meher? Bill Maher?). The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and I’d stream him.
Matt Lindstrom – Ugh, SAGNOF for saves has been the most pathetic for the last month as I can remember. I’m streaming through relievers right now for the chance of one save because the actual closer had gone three days in a row. I’m like Pookie for saves and I’m stashing saves in my butt while I sit at a table with a bunch of topless women. Topless so they can’t steal saves while no one is looking. Give me saves, man!
Jeurys Familia – Sigh. See 1/18th of an inch above. It’s the SAGNOF Drought of Fourteen After Twenty.
Justin Verlander – You and the ant with the rubber tree plant have high hopes. It’s sweet, and kinda sad. So, Verlander didn’t work out, cover your mirrors like Mesoraco is coming over to visit, sit shiva for Verlander’s arm and drop him unless you’re in an AL-Only league.
Yu Darvish – Sure, he could come back for a few starts, but an elbow issue isn’t something that screams, “Yay, I want some of that!” I get it, your team is driving towards the finish line and you’ve nicknamed your pitching staff “Project: Help.” I just don’t see great things coming from Darvish this year. Sorry, Charlie. Hmm, maybe that’s not the best phrase to use with an Asian.
Carlos Gonzalez – Drop. And drop Tulo and your health care provider, so you can get on the Rockies health care plan, that shizz is apparently great!
Alex Rios – I own Rios and I want to drop him just for the feeling of liberation you get right after a very satisfying burp. Your chains of suckage have bound me too long! Is that an 80’s song? Sounds like it. Rios seems to look at Hanley for a role model on indifference, then underperforms that. “Master Hanley, when you run out on the field, do you hustle?” “No, Alex-san, you jog.” “Master Hanley, would you consider pulling a hamstring during that jog?” “Yes, Alex-san, you are a fine pupil.” Will you please at least appear to care? That is all I ask (it’s not all I ask)!