Hello, Total Fiasco, it’s nice of you to join us. Can I just call you Total? You prefer your full name? Can I get you anything, Total Fiasco? Bullpens scrambling? Real baseball managers pulling their hair out? Fantasy managers wishing they had hair to pull out? How about I just give Jim Johnson the ball and step out of the way? That should be to your liking. While you’re waiting for a meltdown, here’s a hot towel for your face. So, the A’s announced they would move to a closer committee. The only thing ever done better by committee? Spice in jerk seasoning. The A’s have the luxury of a few options: Luke Gregerson, Ryan Cook and Sean Doolittle, which makes things harder for fantasy. Much easier if there’s one great handcuff and then junk behind him. I’d pick up the A’s relievers in the order I listed them. Saves could very well be divvied up with a little Gregerson, a little Cook and a little Doo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sam Fuld – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first home run. Doesn’t have much power so for Fuld, th-th-th-that’s all folks!
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now that Colabello seems to have fizzed out, the Twins are once again worth streaming against. Funny how Gardenhire keeps rearranging the top of his lineup, one day Mastroianni, one day Suzuki, one day Plouffe. Today, Mauer hit third after hitting 2nd for the majority of the season. My question is does Gardenhire eat tea leaves, put a picture of Mauer in a toilet, evacuate himself, then read how the tea leaves are around Mauer?
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Prior to this home run, I was going to do a complete reversal from last year and tell you to buy Donaldson in today’s Buy/Sell. Now that he’s homered, it might be harder, but I would still do it. He’s not as bad as he’s been.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer as he hits .167. That tea leaf’s got some pep!
Avisail Garcia – Maybe he doesn’t resemble Miggy Cabrera as much as Carlos Quentin. Avisail is gone for the year with a torn labrum, an injury that is rampant among female gymnasts. That’s a gut punch in a few of my deep leagues. Pardon me, I will now crawl into a ball and have Cougs read to me from EW. “Cougs, please read me The Shaw Report again. I missed what was ‘Five Minutes Ago.'” The White Sox recalled Jordan Danks because Dayan Viciedo grab-and-threw one too many farts into Robin Ventura’s face. Kidding, kinda. Viciedo is a fart thrower. With his hitting. Let’s go to the next blurb, shall we?
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4, 1 run. He should be the starter now with Danks as the 4th outfielder. Danks is Noo Yawk for thanks, but it still doesn’t make him worth owning in anything but the deepest AL-Only leagues. Viciedo hit 14 homers last year in 441 ABs, so we’re not exactly talking the 2nd coming of Jesus Guzman. This is good news for… Next blurb!
Alejandro De Aza – 0-for-3, 1 run. There’s no reason he shouldn’t play every day and be owned in every league. Member I had him ranked around 120 overall and then moved him into the 200’s when he was named the 4th outfielder? He would now move 100 spots up again.
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .421 as he bats in the eight hole. Ex-catchers — good managers; ex-3rd basemen — idiots.
Michael Bourn – Aiming to return on April 15th. Well, he better make sure he’s postmarked by then at least.
Danny Salazar – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. As commenter, MikeZ said, “Salazar had a Sandra Bernhardt sort of night. Ugly, but still kind of sexy.” I have a gut feeling that Salazar’s tipping his pitches. He looked totally unhittable on a majority of his pitches — 1st pitcher since 1900 with 10 Ks in less than 4 IP — but then there were a few where it seemed the hitters knew exactly what was coming. I will bet you five over-the-internet dollars that news comes out that he was tipping.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st home run and just missed a 2nd. The Indians entire offense has looked bad so far, but that could all change at the drubal of a dime.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run. Ozuna matata! I love this guy. Wanna a breakout player? Ozuna! Want a player that will be owned everywhere in three months? Ozuna! Want a player that will also be in my afternoon’s Buy? Ozuna! Want a player that people will still ask me if I like in four weeks? Ozuna!
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Has real nice velocity on his fastball, can hit 94 pretty easily, which is odd since last year he had a 5.79 K-rate in 143 IP. That’s miserable. Yesterday, was a nice step forward and guess who he gets next? The Krazy Braves. Might be a nice K stream.
Doug Fister – Cleared to throw off the mound. Probably will be back early-May. At least I’d give Fister a fighting chance.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Now Matt Williams has decided Desmond needs to hit 7th, just in front of ‘Hurricane’ Sandy Leon. I don’t mind Rendon at the top of the lineup, but McLouth, who is hitting .000, probably doesn’t need to be there too. Matt Williams is making a strong case to replace Karl Pilkington.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, a slam & legs, which included his 2nd home run in as many games. Werth really proving his worth. Almost palindrome!
Stephen Strasburg – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. It was a special promotion at Nationals Park. Every Marlin gets a strikeout.
Andrelton Simmons – Scratched with a jammed wrist. With that jam, we’ll see if he can avoid the DL and dig into his preserves.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers, his first two of the season. He finally remembered it’s April!
David Hale – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Well, definitely wasn’t a light rain.
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5, 4 runs, and three steals, now five on the year. I hate paying for steals, which is why I wish I owned Young on every team. SAGNOF!
Curtis Granderson – 0-for-3, with his 2nd steal, hitting .125. That’s only good if you’re talking about Gallardo’s BAC.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, run, RBI and he’s officially my biggest regret so far. He looks like a top 20 player easily. I was too low on him in the preseason. Sure, he won’t hit .400 like he currently is, but a 20/30 season looks well within his reach.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. What’s the over/under for how long The Davii are homerless? Can I parlay it with picking which K(C)hris Davis hits one first?
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. When the C.H.I.P.S. are down, who do you want on the mound? E S T R A D A ! ! ! I’m kidding, I have absolutely no excitement for Marco Estrada. I do not know why. I will now check my pulse. Nothing there either. Call a doctor, please.
Mike Adams – Will be activated on Monday. He might push for Wednesday because it reminds him of his sister.
Cole Hamels – Might need only two more rehab starts. Hopefully, who else is going to teach rooks how things are done?!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. It’s scary when Byrd looks like the one real threat in the Phillies lineup. Well, one real threat under 40 years old.
Randall Delgado – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER. I used to enjoy the thought of Randall Delgado, now I look forward to him being bumped from the rotation for Josh Collmenter. Times change, I suppose. That was a non-rhyming poem.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and hitting .400. Yes, he should be owned. Yes, by you.
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. I liked him better when he was lathering up for GTL.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Either he was reading Gardenhire’s tea leaves or he was using pine tar. I guess since he was facing Buchholz, it’s one good turn deserving another foreign substance.
David Phelps – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. Okay, but he can’t pitch that many innings that often, so it doesn’t answer who’s the closer while K-Rob is moving his groin in the right direction. Probably will be some combination of Kelley, Thornton, Warren and Phelps.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Your uncle calling you, “Hey, you know if there’s something wrong with our fantasy sports game website? It’s now saying Dickey had a bad start. I had this problem with Lincecum and Sabathia too.”
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st home run. The best thing about baseball cards going out of vogue? You didn’t waste a ton of money on Rasmus and Lawrie rookie cards.
Josh Fields – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. I’d say Kazaam, but I don’t even know who the closer is for the Asstros. Yesterday, Anthony Bass got the save, but Qualls was used already and if pick up Bass, you’re just fishing in the wrong pond.
Jason Castro – 2-for-4 and his 2nd home run. Maybe you shouldn’t have dropped him. Cust kayin’.
Adrian Beltre – Grade 1 quad strain. He thinks he can avoid the DL, which is the worst news you can hope for. Now he’ll try to play in five days, have a setback and make things worse. Bad choice of words, but a 1st grader knows that!
Colby Lewis – Will now join the Rangers rotation early next week. Ron Washington, you sure you don’t want to make him a middle reliever? There’s still time.
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.92 after two starts. Last year, his ERA was 3.11 with a 4.50 xFIP. In his career, he pretty consistently outperforms his xFIP. Unlike previous years, his K-rate is actually well north of his career 6-ish rate. I don’t buy it, and would sit on my hands for his next starts vs. the Yankees and Diamondbacks, no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says.
Junior Lake – 0-for-3. The good news is he actually started a game against a righty. The bad news: refer back to the 0-for-3.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th home run. Too bad he can’t hit for a respectable average because he could challenge the top 5 for most homers in baseball. Granted, we’re not talking about 1998 when middle infielders were hitting 60-plus homers, but still.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal. Unlike a bunch of people, including ones that write for this site, I don’t dislike Marte this year. 10/40 guy sounds a lot like a healthier, younger Ellsbury.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, but really two runs earned because Castro slid into the ball that was in the catcher’s glove at home plate, but was called safe due to the ‘no collision’ rule. So, this is the intent of the new ‘no collision’ rule at home plate? Cause, if so, I’d like to see a ‘no collision’ rule at every base to boost offense. “Catcher throws down to 2nd base, 2nd baseman puts his glove down to tag out the runner stealing…Ooh, he blocked the bag with his glove. Sorry, that’s a no collision! That’s a no collision! That’s a no collision! Runner safe!” How exciting. By the by, why is this not reviewable by replay? Isn’t the ‘no collision’ put in to avoid dangerous plays at home plate? We can review a safe call at first, but you can’t review a rule no one understands how to implement that will definitely be the difference between a run or not? Bud Selig should’ve left that rule under the dead animal that is perched on top of his bald head.