That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt. That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes. He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins. It gives me chills eleven years later. Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news… Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt? My team’s in ruins! My team’s in ruins! Come on rise up! I need a Belt. Come on rise up! I need my Belt!” At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day. He’s capable of great things. Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?
Joel Peralta – I just hope this doesn’t turn into a closer Frankenstein named Joel P. HowGeeney.
Matt Thornton – Know what Robin Ventura needs? A good Nolan Ryan noogie. I hope Matt Thornton walks away with this job, even if I don’t trust him at all, but for now it’s a closer by committee. I’d grab Thornton, Jesse Crain, Addison Reed and Hector Santiago, in that order. Actually, I’d only grab Thornton. I’m not speculating on four closers on a terrible team, but your straits may be more dire than mine. Saves for nothing and the chicks for free.
Jim Johnson – As expected, Johnson was named the Orioles closer. On a related note, my johnson is named, “The closer.”
Brad Lidge – I went over Lidge and HanK-Rod this morning. It went something like this, “Yadda yadda eeny meeny miney yadda yadda.” Riveting stuff. If they gave out Pulitzers for fantasy baseball blogs, I’d be wearing a bunch of those puppies around my neck. I’d be like the Flavor Flav of blog Pulitzers.
Henry Rodriguez – See 1/8th of an inch above or like 48 inches below to the other post. Choose your own adventure!
Freddy Galvis – Haven’t talked much (if it all) about Galvis. He’s the Phillie fill-in (kinda stutterer!) for Utley while he recovers from Glass Chipperitis. Never one to shy away from telling you to pick up a guy about three weeks before everyone else and looking like a complete ass while doing it, I bring you Freddy Galvis. Last year in Double-A, he had 19 steals in 104 games and 4 more in Triple-A in 33 games. For a fast guy, he’s pretty egregious at getting on base and might hit under .220, which is, as a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to little people will tell you, no small feat. If you’re crunched for speed and in a deep league, I’d take a look at him.
Lorenzo Cain – Lo-Cain will get you high without the teeth grinding and you don’t need long fingernails like you’re an old Asian man.
Ryan Sweeney – I baited you this morning to come back to read about Sweeney, and — surprise! — I’m kinda lukewarm on him. He doesn’t have a ton of power or speed, but he can get you some average over the next month while Crawford is out. He reminds me of Omar Infante. Let’s call him, Omar ByMayImmaFinished.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger.
Juan Nicasio – Ma nish ta nitcher. That’s, “How is this pitcher different than all other pitchers?” for those that don’t know Hebrew. Nicasio can give 140 Ks and a three and a half ERA over the course of the season, that’s how.
Tommy Milone – Let’s get down to brass tacks! Or is it brass tactics? (And while we’re clarifying shizz, is it Tom or Tommy Milone? What yo’ momma name you, fool?! You say Tommy? I say you full of Milone!) Never the hoo! You can’t get WHIP help off waivers and every team needs WHIP help unless you drafted Halladay, but then you need hitting help and that’s a whole nutter can of beans. Yeah, I’m saying nutter instead of another. Go with it.
Edinson Volquez – Okay, you can get strikeout help late. Tis is true. But you can’t get 200 K strikeout help later. So there’s a nutter thing.
Chris Johnson – Won the Astros’ starting 3rd base gig. That’s a lower case yay. He had a huge spring with 5 homers. That’s a medium case yay that doesn’t really matter anymore. In deep leagues, you might catch lightning in a bottle out of the gate. Plus, if you shout his name while in a urinal, you sound like you have a prostate problem.
Juan Francisco – As adults who are trying to sound like teenagers might say, dawg’s got pop for days. I’d pick him up for a minute until Daddy Hurt Legs returns.
Jonathan Broxton – He was just named the Royals closer. You know what? That’s hella awesome, and I got a tip from Hella Awesome: SAGNOF! A basic tenet of SAGNOF! is that closers come and go and some go quicker than others. Broxton could be fine, and don’t drop him if you lucked out into grabbing him, but, if you need any other piece, Broxton’s value will never get higher. As soon as he pitches, his value will probably fall. Act fast, young, premature balding man!
Michael Pineda – You knew better than Grey. You said, “Grey’s an effin’ jerk with feathered hair, but a really cool mustache.” I know, you did. I don’t hate you for it. But when you drafted Pineda, you done messed up. You know that, right? He’s reporting he can play catch. That’s great news…That you tell the trade partner in your league why he should trade you something for Pineda, before he’s mysteriously shut down again.
Jason Heyward – I know it’s one game. But I’m scared, y’all. I think Fredi Gonzalez hates Heyward about as much as he likes to throw Venters. And Heyward’s been striking out a lot. He might need a change of venue. I actually hope I’m wrong here. I hope I’m reading too much into one game, but something’s up. He’s far too talented to be hitting 7th, then if Chipper returns and Prado moves to the outfield and Diaz plays, Heyward could sit vs. lefties. That’s death for his fantasy and potential trade value. I wouldn’t trade him for a VHS of Mama’s Family blooper reels, but I would explore options.