OH-WA-AH-AH-AH! Woah, sorry about that. A little rough for a Saturday morning for you? Well what can I say but toughen up, kiddos. There’s only a little over 60 games left on the season for you to tell your significant others that you’re scouring the waiver wire for decent players at 12:30 AM on a Tuesday morning with that ‘Brown Chicken Brown Cow’ sound in the background playing on your computer and no, you’re not listening to Trace Adkins. You don’t like country and you don’t even know who that is. But you do know who Jason Kipnis is…was that a segue? I’m not even sure. If it was, it was a little weak at best but it’s done and now we’re here so lets get down to the goods of it all. Kip – I can call him that since I have a friend from OH with whom I’m bros with; that’s how these things work – hit 2 bombs from the lead off spot for the Tribe on Friday, finishing the night 2/5 with 4 RBIs and 2 runs. And here’s me telling you to sell on dat chit. He’s had a little hotty toddy, we likes to party July, hitting near .300 with 2 said HRs and 5 stolen bases but let us not forget what he has done for his career in the second half. He loses about 20 points of average, about .040% on Slugging and even finds a way to steal less down the stretch. Obviously, past doesn’t always dictate the future. I mean, look at people who get married a second a third time. The percentages staying together get better right? *Looks at percentages*…oh. History is just not on the side of Kipnis being a second half savior for you and I’d make a move if I can still get a price return on him close to what you had to draft him for. In other news from the All-Star break return to our 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…oooh, on the TLC tip! Just a friendly reminder that myself and some other cool cats (I think Mike might be a Toyger) do this thing called DraftKings for you all every day of the week. That last link takes you away to Daily Fantasy land care of our VIP card but this link shows you all the content we’ve been providing to help you get the game down while you’re with us. BTW, didn’t bring up Mike just cuz. I’m swinging for Dan Pants today because apparently he’s pantsless or something. I told him just to change his name to Dan Assless Chaps for the day but he declined. That said, I’m gonna be away from the good ‘ole ‘puter for the day but Mike will be fielding all your burning questions. No, not those questions. If it burns down there, go see a doctor. Mike is just a cool cat and cats aren’t doctors. Duh. But enough chicanery, let’s really get back to this show…
Huston Street – Was traded to the Angels yesterday, moving Joe Smith back to being irrelevant just like his name preordained him to be. The obvious pickup for the Padres gig is Joaquin Benoit. The unobvious pickup here would be Kevin Quackenbush. Not for saves, of course, that would be silly. But dat name doe…here’s where I’d say Dale Thayer should see a save or two down the stretch but that’s the amount of saves I’m estimating for Joaquin. PS, that’s a ‘Padres Suck’ joke. Don’t worry, Jay got it. He’s been hearing this punchline for quite a few years now.
Anthony Rizzo – Two homeruns, giving him 22 on the year and putting him on pace for 38 on the season. Just a friendly reminder just in case you drafted Eric Hosmer instead. BTW, that’s just one of many friendly reminder sticky notes I have around my computer that end with ‘Hosmer Instead’. I think I’m naming my first tumor after him at this point.
Francisco Liriano – Maybe he’s back from the dead? Had 8 K in only 5 IP and it was against the Rockies! Nevermind, realized the Rockies weren’t at home. There’s gotta be a term for never starting your Colorado hitters away from Coors a la never starting your Hodge Padre on the road. It was definitely a nice start but I’m putting him in the ‘stream at your own risk’ category myself.
Danny Santana – Returned from the DL, going 1/5 with 2 Ks as he resumed batting leadoff for the Twinkies. He’s still the 30 SB type that he was before the injury. This blurb goes out to all of you who missed out on Wong and Alcantara. And this blurb – you can kiss the giant pimple growing on my left butt-cheek – goes out to that kid in 4th grade who stole my lunch money and my belt buckle and squirted mustard down my pants. I’m like the Fantasy Baseball Casey Kasem over here with all these dedications. BTW, Kenny, I hope you die in a fire. This song goes out to you!
CC Sabathia – Underwent micro-fracture surgery yesterday on his right knee, thus effectively ending his season. You can file this news under the ‘didn’t know, didn’t care’ section of your season. That’s right before the ‘Don’t draft him next year’ section and right after the ‘I’m not drafting these guys this year’ section of your fantasy filing cabinet. I’m quite impressed with your organizational skills. How much do you charge? I have all these ‘Eric Hosmer Instead’ stickies that need tending to…
Michael Brantley – Went 4/5 with 2 runs, a double and an RBI and is hitting .329 on the year with 15 HRs and 63 RBIs *THUD*. Don’t worry about that noise. It’s just Grey swooning and fainting again. Michael Brantley does sound like a name from a boy band, though, so that’s completely normal. Now the panty throwing on the field thing Albright does? Eh…
Matt Holliday – Went 2/4 with 3 RBIs, a double and a HR as he bats .268 on the year with only 7 HRs *THUD*. You should worry about that noise. That’s the sound a team sinking to the bottom that drafted Holliday makes. Unfortch, players get old and unlike Cougar Town, that’s not a good thing. And here you thought you got a deal on draft day. Celebrate…
David Phelps – Over 6.1 innings, only gave up 3 runs (2 earned) while K’ing 7 and walking 1. In three July starts, Phelps has a 2.35 ERA and a just under 7 K/9 rate. He’s also given up 6 HRs during that span. If you’ve been starting him during this streak, kudos to you but eventually you’re gonna have to hop off your luck dragon and hang with the rest of us schlubs, Atreyu. I suggest you do so now.
J.P. Arencibia – Went 1/3 with a 3 run HR. Since Fielder’s freak ‘We Found A Vagina In Your Neck’ surgery (And ‘WFAVIYN’ is no laughing matter, kids), the Rangers have shuffled through Mitch Moreland (now out for the year), Brad Snyder (sent back down to AAA), Carlos Pena (also sent back down), and Adam Rosales (I don’t know where he went, I thought he still played for the A’s). What I’m trying to say is unless you’re in a deep 2 C league, your excitement level for the a guy who just replaced Rosales as the team’s 6th first baseman on the year should be close to my chances of my dream polka album with Kanye West. That chance, Bee Tee Dubs, is called ‘null’.
Yu Darvish – Closed out with 12 K over 6 and 2/3rds after only allowing a run. Granted, these aren’t your mom’s B-Jays (don’t read that out loud if said mom is around) with all the injuries, but Yu looked a little better than he has in recent turns. If you’re following the Grey sell call from yesterday on our friend Darvish, this be your window.
Colby Rasmus – The one guy who could get to Yu on the day, going 2/4 with a HR. When he’s hot, he’s hot. He hit 5 HRs in May…in 11 games…and 3 of those he played hurt. Just saying, might be time for some Colby Jacks. Delicious!
Brayan Pena – Is only 0.3% owned in ESPN leagues and went 2/4 with 2 HRs. Meanwhile, Devin Mesoraco and Jay Bruce combined to go 0/7 with a caught stealing and are 100% owned. ‘And tomorrow, we’ll have Andy Parrino hit for the cycle while Moss, Cespedes and Donaldson go 0/16 combined with 10 Ks and one pulled oblique…guess who it’ll be!’ whispered your Fantasy Baseball diety of choice.
Jason Heyward – Remember when he hit a ball out in batting practice and broke some dude’s windshield? Sigh, I remember it like it was four years ago…and you should too since that’s when it happened and nothing has been that spectacular since. Despite his 2 HR performance last night, he’s on pace for 15 homers and 19 stolen bases this year. Justin Ruggiano basically did that for the Marlins in 2013 with only 424 at bats, all while hitting .222. Much like your dad told you when you started dating that girl with the gnarled tooth that always poked out even when her mouth wasn’t open, you can do better.
Zach Britton – Did his best Buzz Lightyear impression on your stats as he recorded zero outs on 6 pitches, giving up three hits including a 3 run, game-winning HR to Josh Donaldson. Given that his fly-ball percentages are lower than most wine’s alcohol content on the year at 9.8%, Just chalk it up to being too rested.
Pablo Sandoval – Shhh, don’t say it too loud but after going 2/5 with a bomb and 3 RBI, Pablo is on pace for a decent 20 HR, .275 average, 75 RBI campaign. What, you wanted more RBIs than the 73? Well then don’t draft a Giants hitter next time! Sheesh, you people…
Buster Posey – Basically, the Giants went off and Buster reminded you why you drafted him by gathering three hits and by not hitting any HRs as he sits behind Mesoraco, Lucroy, Gattis and Perez on the player rater for catchers on the year. It could be worse. You could’ve drafted Joe Mauer in the first. *Snickers*
Trevor Cahill – Returned to the mound as a starter for the Diamondbacks, giving up three earned over five innings while walking two and striking out three. The main number here that’s important, though, is the number zero. That’s the amount of S’s you should give that he’s starting again.
Bryce Harper – Started the second half off with a bang that didn’t require a wall, going 3/4 with a HR that didn’t matter in the real game but mattered in the really real game. You know what I’m talking about *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*. There’s still hope for the hype to hit but you as a Harper owner already know that your high pick of him didn’t get you where you are today. Unless of course that pick puts you in last. Then yes, he is to blame.
Arismendy Alcantara – The Grey favorite 0/3 but with 2 steals. It’s how players tell you they care about your fantasy team and are here for you! BTW, way back in the way back time machine, Nick and I talked a bit about Alacantara via that Razzball Radio on the internet via Skype on your tv thing. I said he’d be the first young pup from the Cubs farm system to get called up and to get in before the hype train hit. Sometimes I gotta #Humblebrag, y’all and I gotta say that call was fancy. Who dat, who dat (Suh-Suh-Sky S-K-Y) dat do dat, do dat, (Suh-suh-Sky S-K-Y).
Jacoby Ellsbury – Dropped a delicious plate of slam and legs on his owners, going to 2/4 with 2 RBIs. So many people bought in to Ellsbury for the steals potential and the short porch for lefties theory that is the Bronx bombers lore. Well, the steals have been there for Ellsbury but he’s been pretty much the player he was last year but with a pace for 3 more HRs and 10 less steals. Wait, he did all that damage last year in 134 games. You remember that wish you made at the beginning of the year where you said ‘please just let Ellsbury stay healthy all year and I won’t ask for anything more’? Well, you should’ve asked for him to stay as good as he was while you were at it.
Nathan Eovaldi – Got lit up like Buck Cherry would sing it, giving up 8 earned over 4 innings. Since his 2.58 ERA in May, Nathan has Deovaldi’d since with an ERA above 4 in every subsequent month. Much like a Pam Anderson boob, the bust out felt real to start but ended up as unreal as it seemed.
Brady Aiken – The Astros failed to sign the first overall pick of the 2014 draft, something that’s only happened three times in major league history and something that hasn’t happened since 1983. I didn’t have the heart to look it up. I’ll just assume it was the Astros the other two times and probably be right.
Miguel Cabrera – Went 2/4 with 2 singles and stole his first (read ‘only’) base of the year. Miggy has had a July to forget so far, batting only .243 and hasn’t hit a homer since June 30th. I’m sure he’ll turn it around but it’s months like these you say to yourself ‘was the debate really Mike Trout vs Miggy to start the year’?
Paul Goldschmidt – 1/3 with a bomb. AU SCHIZZ!
Stephen Strasburg – I was talking with Grey the other day – yes we talk…sigh, no I can’t look directly at him when I do. I’m told to wear a blind fold and to turn to the corner of the room when we do…and that’s just when he’s on the phone! – about the Stras and I said he’s shaping up to be Zack Greinke circa 2011-2013 where the hype was bigger than the production. Stras has been good but not elite and nights like last night – 7 IP with 9 K but 4 ER – further this notion. But I’m happy for you that you drafted a pitcher in the first three rounds. No really, I am.
Anibal Sanchez – So here’s Anibal’s stats through 6 IP yesterday: 7 K, 3 hits, 0 ER. And here’s what stat line he ended with: 6 IP, 7 K, 6 hits, 1 BB, 4 ER. I’ll take ‘my manager doesn’t know when I’m done’ for $1000, Alex. Of course, it doesn’t help when you leave the game and your bullpen gives up 2 HRs to push in every runner you left on base but still I’m with Eddie Vedder on this one: I’d rather be with an Anibal.
Dan Uggla – Was finally released by the Braves after back-to-back-to-back-to-back horrific seasons for Atlanta. Word on the street is two teams – the Giants and the Phillies – are currently courting him. The Phillies are showing him how much he can save on his annual colonoscopy with the group rate. Meanwhile, the Giants are still pondering if he’s too young to take over for their Keith Richards of 2Bs, Marco Scutaro, or if the kid has enough experience to play above his age.