I went into TurboTax and entered the Marlins $100 million payroll going into last season, subtracted Jose Reyes, Hanley, Josh Johnson, Buehrle, Bonifacio, Buck, Infante, Gaby, Anibal, Heath Bell and Ozzie Guillen’s salary, then I added in Gorkys, Ruggiano, Giancarlo, Wade LeBlanc, Eovaldi, Jacob Turner, Adeiny Hechavarria and Yunel’s salary and it says the Marlins can get an EBT card for their cash assistance benefits. If the Marlins organization were on Teen Mom, people would be rallying to take away their kids. In fact, I’ll start now — someone take Giancarlo into a loving home! His organization spends money like MC Hammer in the 1990’s. Jeffrey Loria, “Hey, here’s $100 million dollars for a shortstop…” *three months later* “Hey, anyone want our whole team for a carton of milk; we’re flat broke. Seriously, we got no money. I tried to sell that unicorn vomit sculpture in centerfield on eBay and no one met my five dollar minimum bid. Maybe it’s because I have bad reviews under my seller account. Listen, I made some bad deals in the past, but I’m totally good for that sculpture. You could use it as a scarecrow. Five dollars has to be cheaper than the going price for a scarecrow…. Hmm… I just thought of something, maybe we could get a scarecrow to play left field.” So, Jose Reyes leaves South Beach for the Great White North. There goes more money out of our country. Damn you, Canada! This shouldn’t change his fantasy value much. Because you like stats, his career vs. the American League is 99/11/59/.295/38 in 550 ABs. So, that’s basically a full season, and he’s done exactly what he always does. In very limited exposure to the Canadian-speaking Blue Jays, he hit two homers and .643 in 3 games in Rogers Centre. For next year, I see Reyes giving what he always does 110/12/60/.285/40. I like Reyes, what can I say? I know! I can say more about this trade. Anyway, here’s some more players involved and how their value changes for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Josh Johnson– Headed to the Blue Jays, as well. Little known fact, when I was under the age of eight, I used to call my johnson a Blue Jay of happiness. Did I say eight? I meant twenty-eight. *giggles like an embarrassed Lisa Simpson* In the past, the knock against Johnson has been his inability to stay healthy. This year, he made 30 starts for only the second time in his career. Unfortunately, he didn’t look like the dominant pitcher he was in 2009 or 2010. A huge drop in the strikeout rate and a bump up on his walk rate. There’s a possibility here for more, but I tend to think his name value will make him more valuable than he’s worth, and with the league switch I’d let someone else take the gamble he unearths his past glory. I hear One-Eyed Willy buried it off the coast of a non-descript California town that looks the other way when child actors become drug addicts. Basically, every California town.
Mark Buehrle – Also going to the Blue Jays (let’s just assume everyone is being traded away from the Marlins, unless noted). Loria is a total POS, but I will say this. I don’t like the pitchers he salary-dumped on Toronto (that’s obviously strictly from a fantasy perspective). Last year, Buehrle bumped up his strikeout rate to a four-year high, a whopping 5.56. That’s more or less the worst K-rate of anyone that is a usable real life pitcher. He gets by with great control, solid ground ball rates and a whole lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-but-not-because-it’s-hot-but-because-you-don’t-feel-like-it-ness. He was an “ignore” prior to the trade and now he’s an “ignore more.” It’s a separate column, but they’re close.
Emilio Bonifacio – Will now be batting between Reyes and Bautista, bumping Lawrie and/or Rasmus down to fifth and/or sixth. His career vs. the American League isn’t pinch-dem-cheeks adorable (.242 average, 0 homers, 14 steals in 124 ABs), but it’s a small enough sample size that I think he’ll be fine. That’s what she said! Huh? Bonifacio will be back to full strength to start the season and that means SAGNOF, snitches!
John Buck – I think the Blue Jays will trade Just Peachy Arencibia, but that has more to do with Travis d’Arnaud. John Buck will be a platoon partner for someone, though they all bat from the right side so it might not be that tidy of a platoon. A right-righty platoon will mean the Blue Jays are *pinkie to mouth* Buck’ing the trend. I still got it!
Adeiny Hechavarria – Somewhere, the copywriter who quit over the spelling of Jarrod Saltalamacchia is glad he got out when he did. Adeiny almost got a rookie outlook post last week because he was probably going to get a starting job, but I didn’t write it because his minor league stats are yawnstipating (7-ish homer power, 15-ish steal speed). Now I probably will write the outlook post because he’s guaranteed a starting job, but his, uh, outlook hasn’t gotten much better offensively.
Yunel Escobar – Adeiny and You-smell sounds like Perez Hilton nicknames for Adele and her boyfriend. In a few months, the Marlins went from Bonifacio, Reyes and Hanley to Donovan Solano, Yunel and Adeiny. Ha! What a shizzshow. They should let Madoff out on restricted parole. With the only restriction being, he can only rip off Loria. Oh, and, Yunel, leave the airport tags on your suitcase, because MIA fits the Marlins perfectly.