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“He is a prince of Dorne. Men and women will line up to f*ck him until the day he dies.”

[Game of Thrones spoilers ahead!] The probable reign of Prince Giancarlo Stanton, aka The Yardfather from House Ravishing, is upon us. Has anyone among you ever witnessed such a statuesque and magnificently proportioned beast?  Has a single one of you viewed a more virtuous and angelic presence, possessing both kindness and strength? Here and now I command you to step forward if you have knowledge of a more deserving candidate! Did someone just say, Adam Jones? That sort of insolence is usually  rewarded with a swift kick to the chin from my steel toed, ostrich leather boots! Stanton leads the majors with 27 RBIs and holds a sturdy .357 OBP, and that’s with the usual disgraceful lineup protection. I swear to the Elder Gods, I almost came in my Versace man-thong when Stanton crushed that walk-off grand slam against Seattle (my home team) last week. Is Prince Giancarlo’s emergence near the time of disgraceful King Joffrey’s death coincidence? I think not.

Please tell me you’re all caught up on what is easily the greatest show ever created, Game of Thrones. Has there ever been a more delightful sight than that of Joffrey’s face as he choked to death. Was he poisoned or did he just try and swallow while breathing at the same time? (I hate when that happens!) Was it Prince Oberyn, the Red Viper, who spent years at the Citadel, snorting adderall, and pulling all nighters in order to achieve his Masters degree in Poison? Twas it cunning Uncle Tyrion, he who’s despisement for the young King was well known, somehow responsible for this? To find out you must tune in, which also gives you the added bonus of being able to follow along on these posts of mine (yipeeeee). Doing the opposite would be a grievous error, one that I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive.

dead-joffrey

Welcome and thank you for checking in with I, Tehol Beddict, creator of the Game of Thrones Disgrace/Delight bi-monthy razzball column that is sweeping the nation by storm! When I say sweeping the Nation, I mean that I’ve had 2-3 readers tell me they enjoy it. If you’re new here, these GOT posts will come once every two episodes and will be based around quotes from the show. The focus, as always in my weekly “articles” is who disgraced themselves and who delighted me over the past week. Combining it with GOT makes it that much more entertaining (maybe only in my opinion). Take heed!

Delights: What “Delighted” me this past week. 

“Give it to my father: he never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy.” – Tyrion to Podrick.

Tyrion is speaking about his father using Joffrey’s death as a way to bring Prince Oberyn into his circle. Of course, the Viper is mostly intrigued with Lord Tywin’s proposition of joining the King’s council, for he’s been promised his long awaited meeting with “The Mountain”. Yes the same “Mountain” who raped and split Oberyn’s beloved sister in two. The following players have stepped in and performed superbly when they were called upon to fill in for either injured or inept players. What was once thought of as tragedy has turned into full-on blessings for these ball clubs. Will it work out in similar fashion for Lord Tywin?

Alex WoodWith Medlen and Beachy going down more grotesquely than Rosie O’Donnell in a food coma after wolfing down an 18 piece KFC meal (extra crispy), the Braves looked to be in trouble. How could they possibly replace what should have been two absolute hogs in their rotation? Oh, I don’t know, maybe with a beautifully crafted 6-4, 220 pound, 23 year old, flame throwing savage named Alex Wood. All he’s done is throw 35 ks in 35 innings while sporting a 1.54 ERA and 0.97 WHIP. MY GODS!

Francisco Rodriguez- In an earlier post this year, I demanded to know why teams weren’t offering the single-season-saves-record-holder a contract to come in and be the closer. Now he’s making me look smart, and I just love when anyone does that (its so rare!). When Jim Henderson struggled in Spring, K-Rod was given the reigns in what was  supposed to be a temporary role. Good luck prying the job back from Rodriguez’s kung-fu grip.

Aaron Harang- Nolan Ryan, in his absolute prime, could only hope to be half the man that Harang is. I seriously can’t take much more of this. I’ve witnessed Harang bent over and hammered like Lisa Ann, for what seems like a decade, and now all of a sudden he’s untouchable? Harangatang is sporting a 0.85 ERA along, a 0.88 WHIP, and 33 Ks to go with a 3-1 record. Is it in any way possible he keeps this up? Well, considering he started 22 games for MY Seattle Mariners last season, and posted a 5.76 ERA, pitching in Safeco Field, I highly doubt it. Enjoy it while you can, but I refuse to pick him up (obviously I’m extremely bitter).

“There is only one hell, princess. The one we live in now.” – Melisandre to Stannis Baratheon’s daughter, Shireen.

Melisandre, you know the fiery sexual deviant, who has the ability to birth shadow babies immediately after the sperm reaches the egg, has been asked to speak to Shireen, the sweet daughter of Stannis and Lady Selyse regarding her “sinful” behavior. I suppose what she said was true amid those harsh times, much like the hell we now live in if we passed on the following players:

Julio TeheranAfter riding Teheran like Seattle Slew, to multiple tittles last season, I, of all people should have known what this young stallion was capable of. I told you that he was far and away superior to Mike Minor in one of my preseason posts and was laughed at as if I was Stephen Baldwin announcing a return to acting. Kudos if you “reached” on Teheran, ensconcing him on your roster.

Ervin Santana21 innings pitched/24 strikeouts. 2-0 with a .86 ERA??! How in the name of the Gods did I not envision this happening? Santana’s arrival to the National league is very similar to when John C. Reilly began doing comedy. Perfect fit ya’ll. It’s also kind of like when Gio Gonzalez came over from the American league. If you are one of the few that doesn’t find Reilly funny in Step Brothers or Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Shame on you.

Derek JeterJust kidding.

Andrew Cashner- The boy has become a man. Witness.

“Did you see? Their souls. It was their souls. My lord took them, did you see?” – Stannis Baratheon’s wife , Lady Selyse.

The foul and hideous wife of wannabe King, Stannis, squeals with delight as her brother is burned at the stake for refusing to cease worshiping the Elder Gods.  Kudos to the man, for I would do the same as I am nothing without the Elder Gods’s power.  These forthcoming players seemingly have sold their souls to the Powerful Lord of Light for their successes, but will it last?

Charlie BlackmonBlackie is batting a robust .421 average and just yacked his 5th bomb of the season. What are we to make of this? Obviously, this average is unsustainable and Blackmon has never been much of a power hitter, but I’m starting to believe he’s in the midst of what will be an outstanding year, and not just a hot month at the dish. I’m also starting to believe my chicken can understand me, so take this wisdom with a grain of salt.

Dee GordonAnother player that I passed on who’s keeping me up nights. He got nailed in the face yesterday, so it’s possible he responds in the same manner Morneau did a few years back. You know, when he fell off the face of the earth and was never anything close to the same player he once was. Let’s hope that’s not the case…… Or if we don’t own him, should we hope that IS the case? That’s just cruel ya’ll, damn!

Alexi RamirezI fondly remember the season where both Alexi and Chris Davis came on the baseball scene. I was a proud owner and drafted them both extremely high the following season. Both of them let me down something fierce, but I never forgot either of them and continued to take flyers each and every year. Crush Davis finally rewarded me in ways impossible to portray in words without using all caps and numerous F bombs while Alexi seemingly lost all his power but had a decent year, stealing a bunch of bags. Now Davis is a first round pick that I begrudgingly don’t own, and Alexi is finally breaking out, the first time in my life I haven’t drafted him. Woe is me. Still, I hold a special place in my heart for these two, and I wish them nothing but infinite success. Mash on playaz!

Kyle Lohshe-  There are two truths in this wonderful world we live in. 1) I’m the best looking fantasy baseball writer in history and 2) Kyle Lohshe is almost impossible to defeat in April. Betting against Lohshe is just something you don’t do. I’d be a billionaire if I had thrown my life savings on this Spring time legend for every April start he’s had over the past 3 seasons. A BILLIONAIRE, I SAY!!!!!

Mark Buehrle - 4-0 with a .64 ERA? I don’t get it.

“She needs the rod”–Lady Selyse speaking to her husband, Stannis about his daughter needing punishment.

Hopefully this will be the last post that this foul mouthed rat, Selyse, receives multiple quotes. Kill her off soon, please. These Players don’t need the rod, for they have been giving the rod, hard and powerfully.

Justin Morneau- Morneau is back, betches! And delivering the rod like a 5-ton Bull Elephant (NSFW). Love him in that lineup. Love him in that ballpark.

Ryan HowardSurprisingly, the Subway pitchman has looked great at the dish thus far. Keep riding the wave till he gives himself diabetes and has to hit the DL from wolfing down one to many “Chicken Bacon Ranch” subs.

Michael BrantleyBrantley looks to be this year’s Adam Jones, and I for one, don’t own him anywhere. It huuuurts me so deep. Daddy, make it stop.

“Right here is where I f*ck his wife. She’s a screamer, that one.” – Bronn speaking to Jaime Lannister.

Bronn, sell-sword and Tyrion’s henchman, takes Jaime to a private place to train him to fight with his left hand in secret. He’s informing Jaime that even tho’ the married beezy screams like a banshee while he’s practicing his long sword game, they have never been heard. We’ve all had screamers: Sometimes it’s fun and sometimes you just have to allow them to suck on your neck like a vampire or even stuff a throw pillow in their grill to keep them quiet (like when you live in Mom’s basement. MOM!! THE MEATLOAF!!!). Well, I’m aroused. How bout you?

You should feel as if you slept with each and every opponent in your fantasy league if you drafted Albert Pujols and followed my advice on twitter in picking up Jennry Mejia. Wait, you don’t follow me on Twitter? Ahh, deadly mistake. Yes, yes, I know, I’m a legend in my own mind.

Non MLB Delights:

The NBA Playoffs- It doesn’t seem like I can find anyone to talk NBA with me. [Ed. Note — Because we don’t have a basketball section. Oh, wait…] Ya’ll are truly missing out on what can at times be the most entertaining sport out there. In no other sport, is such an individual display of excellence possible. I know starting pitchers do it from time to time, but it’s just not the same. If I had one wish for you all, it would be that you started watching the playoffs and witnessed the greatness that is the NBA. Do it for me!!!

Damian Lillard’s Adidas commercial- Talk about a delight, guys! This commercial brings a smile to my face each and every time I witness it. You have to respect the guys who were willing to poke fun at themselves about never winning a championship ring. Or wait, they’re retired and getting paid massive sums of money to do so? It all makes sense now. Kudos.

Schwarzenegger Begins Production on ‘Terminator’ Reboot- Terminator 2: Judgement Day is honest to the Gods, one of the greatest movies of all time. Its legend is undeniable and I for one, am pumped over the idea of a reboot. Yes, the third installment of the series deserves its own blurb in the disgrace section but with the right production, another classic is well within reach. THIS will give you a bit of insight.

Disgrace: The Section where I cover everything “Disgraceful I witnessed this week.

“Your brother was not a wise king. Your brother was not a good king. If he had been, perhaps he’d still be alive.” – Lord Tywin to Tommen

Joffrey is listed in the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary as the definition for “disgrace”.  Why they didn’t stuff that boy in a sack, fill it with rocks, and throw it in the river is beyond me. Incest ain’t good ya’ll. Let us celebrate the death of the usurper. Rejoice! Rejoice! The following player is making me feel extremely unwise for drafting him so high. Does this mean I’m not fit to be King?

Jason HeywardBaskin Robbins on me for whoever can explain to me, the rationale in batting Heyward in the lead-off spot. First of all, he’s not every good at it. Secondly, he was created by the Elder Gods to hit in the middle of the order. This young man was made to drive in runs. Instead, he’s wasting away at the top of the order. That’s like putting David Spade in movie that doesn’t also feature, Chris Farley (RIP). Translation: Not a formula for success (I actually like Spade).

05_Flatbed_2 - AUGUST

“You’re a hateful woman. Why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?” – Jaime to sister and former lover and now his rape victim, Cersei.

Pop quiz, hotshot: What’s hotter than watching a brother force sex upon his sister inches away from the rotting carcass of their recently poisoned son? Answer: NOTHING.

David PriceI realize Price rebounded yesterday with a complete game, 12 K gem, but I promised my dear friend, The Guru, I would mention Price in the disgrace column this week for getting us drilled in draft kings daily leagues last week when he got crushed for 10 hits and 6 runs in 5 inning pitched (Is that a run on sentence?). It was literally one of the worst outings of David Price’s career, and it couldn’t have possibly come at a worse time for me personally. I laid it all on the line for this guy and was repaid in dog excrement. Gross.

“You’re annoying me right now. Every breath you draw in my presence annoys me.” – Cersei to Pycelle.

I thoroughly enjoyed the beautiful temptress, Cersei, emasculating this sexual deviant who is known for sleazing his way into young women’s undercarriages. I also feel her pain, especially when I think about some of the players I drafted in almost every single league.

Bryce Harper- So let me get this straight; He’s not hustling. He’s not hitting. He’s not stealing. WHAT DO YOU DO, BRYCE!!!! Lord of light take my soul, this is too much to bear!!!!

Matt Adams- I definitely recall drafting Adams, based on his penchant for blasting singles with nobody on base. Yes, yes, quite right! The young man has been batting in the heart of the order all year and has 5 RBIs and 1 jack to show for it. Considering he blasted 17 bombs in limited plate appearances last season, I expected nothing short of 40 this year. Little did I know, I was drafting John Olerud without the pop. Shame on me.

“You’re a wh*re!” Tyrion spits at Shea. “I can’t be in love with a wh*re, I can’t have children with a wh*re.”

Tyrion loves Shea, and is looking out for her safety in denying her his love and manhood. He knows his father will have her hung the moment he catches wind of their relationship. I feel no such love for the player below. NO SUCH LOVE.

Matt GarzaWasn’t’ Garza the hottest pitcher on the trade market last season? I could’t understand why Texas would just let him walk for what seemed like a reasonable fee. Now I know why. The hits just don’t stop and I have become so thoroughly dejected that I just begin asking for more like, “Hit me again Ike, and this time put some stank on it!

Which one of you pipe hitting b*tches can pass the salt?” – The Hound. 

Wait, what? Oh, sorry, this wasn’t from the Hound at all, but from the legendary Ron Burgundy. Ron and myself be bustin’ nuts like a squirrel. You should do the same.

“One of my husbands preferred the company of men and was stabbed through the heart, another was happiest torturing animals and was poisoned at our wedding feast. I must be cursed.”  –Margaery Tyrell 

How is it possible that a woman of this sort of immense beauty and grace cannot, for the life of her, find a man to sexually fulfill her? If she would only call on Prince Beddict, all her wildest fantasies would come to life. I hope it involves some ice cubes, a 9 iron and a stuffed buffalo (great video quality).

Ivan NovaI neither know nor care whether Nova preferred the company of men. What I do know is that he stabbed his owners through the heart in tearing an elbow ligament and joining the numerous others on the Tommy John scrap-heap pile.

R.A. DickeyWas Dickey poisoned or was he just a seriously overvalued 39 year old knuckleballer who had a couple great years pitching in the National league? The Jays went all in before the 2013 season and just like the despicable King Joffrey, they choked.

Non MLB Disgraces: 

Terri Polo Broke- Hold up, you’re going to tell me that this mediocre at best actress, who was somehow gifted the role of Gaylord’s Focker’s wife in a monstrously successful trilogy is dead broke? Shouldn’t her agent have warned her, like, “Hey Terri, you kind of blow Dinklage at acting. It would probably be a good idea if you didn’t purchase 10 million dollar homes and numerous fancy cars, you know, because you’re not talented and Ben Stiller made your life. Can’t you just be happy knowing you lucked into a role and live happily in, maybe a $3 million dollar crib and just own 1 Mercedes?” Polo owes the IRS $750,000. YIKES! Fun fact; Polo got the Meet The Parents role over Naomi Watts, reportedly because Watts wasn’t “sexy enough”. That, my friends, is worthy of it’s own disgrace section, but your boy Beddict, isn’t gonna go there.

 

And there you have it! Another Game of Thrones, Disgrace/Delight column in the books. Kudos to you if you read the whole piece in it’s entirety. As per usual your comments and questions will be responded to with mongoose like quickness as your input is greatly appreciated. Also, and this is extremely important, do not, and I mean DO NOT, forget to follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47, as I would be happy to converse with you on there as well. Well, Jay has demanded I keep these posts under 5,000 words so it’s high time I bounced out this piece. It’s been a pleasure. Keep coming back.

 

 

 

 

 

From Around The Web

  1. whampwhamp says:
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    @tehol you have to start one only concerned with era and whip (K’s, Wins, QS out the window)

    Homer Bailey @ ATL
    Rick Porcello@ MIn
    Gerrit Cole@ STL
    Zach Wheeler @ Miami

    Leaning toward bailey but my gut says Porcello may be the move

    What do you think?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @whampwhamp: u may be on to something here. I don’t trust homer on tha road right now. The twins are always an enticing match up as I seek them out in the same fashion Tom sizemore seeks out meth. I want to tell u wheeler is going to throw a gem today but that has letdown written all over it. Yep, let’s go with Pretty Ricky

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @whampwhamp: Porcello. I’m in a similar boat.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: Steve Stevens?!?!?! From that Money talks show? it’s an honor

  2. SMLV1 says:
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    Assuming Choo does not play tonight, who should I start in my Util spot tonight?

    Phillips @ATL facing Santana
    Springer vs OAK facing Chavez
    Simmons vs CIN facing Bailey

    H2H Standard league

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SMLV1: Simmons is out to make Homer pay it in blood. Let’s go!

  3. i just traded A.Wood for Rizzo (and got lindstrom thrown in) after loosing trumbo on a team that is doing OK pitching and very bad hitting.

    Was that a mistake? I am feeling good by it but articles like this give me the regrets in my pants.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Poop McGee: Well I don’t think it’s possible for Wood to continue his current success, for that would make him the Cy Young winner, but he should still be very good. Filling a hole with RIzzo and getting a closer( though he’s a ticking time bomb) is not a horrible return as I usually value hitting over pitching. Not the end of the world Pooper

  4. Wacha Wacha says:
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    Any worries about Puig and his off the field dilemas?

    Should I trade J Abreu and Wil Myers for Puig and C Hamels?

    • Jimbo says:
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      @Wacha Wacha: No. Dear god no.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wacha Wacha: I’m not worried about Puig being kidnapped or shot but maybe I should be. I probably wouldn’t make that trade unless I was desperate for pitching. Also not sure that we can trust Hamels at this point as pitchers tend to reinjure themselves a la Johhny Cueto Last season

  5. Ra'zball Al Ghul says:
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    That Lillard commercial is prfct lmao

  6. Fungazi says:
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    I might have to lower my lofty expectations for the disgraceful Dom Brown a bit from the 70-20-80-8-.245 I had him pegged for. What you saying?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Fungazi: The whole issue is him batting MFing 6th in the lineup! He has zero lineup protection. For example they walked him with 2 outs and byrd on second in the 5th inning just because they know Galvis is a joke. It really sucks. Brown was born to hit in the 3 hole. I’d take the five spot right now but the lineup is full of veterans. I suppose we just have to hope they all get hurt. #Disgrace

      • Fungazi says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Well when the catcher is in the 2-hole u know something is up with that lineup.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Fungazi: I WOULD KILL for Ruiz to hit behind Domonic. That’s how gross this situation has become . appalling

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Weird, I actually have the same stones that I sleep with…

      • Carnac says:
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        Nice try Albright but I’m not going to take the “that’s what she said” bait.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Take it, Carnac, and go forth and harvest your land!

          • Carnac says:
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            First I shall *cracks knuckles* sow my seeds…

            Be back in 2 minutes.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              I will have some rabbit stew waiting.

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Grey: Grey! You must be a game of thrones fan. What an honor having you in this comment section. What GOT character would you say you are most like? Littlefinger? Lord Tywin? Can I be the Bronn to you Tyrion or does that make me an even bigger groupie?

                • Carnac says:
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                  Sky’s probably The Hound imo

                  • Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @Carnac: he is quite the brute

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Carnac: YIKES!!! Oh, I’ll be looking for you at the game. Wonder if P-town is going to sweep. Either way, the city has incredible strip clubs.

      • Carnac says:
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        Ah, a sweep. It’d be a nice to have something sweet before losing to San Antonio.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Carnac: Theres nothing I hate more than the Spurs of San Antonio.

  7. D Rich says:
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    Matt Adams?! How can a power hitter who is batting 345 on the year have 1 homer and 5 rbis?? It’s not like he is batting in the 6th hole with Freddy Galvis batting behind him!! Someone order this man a pizza! Emilio Bonificaio with is 2b and of elgibilty do you think he has staying power all year? I don’t mean a star but a nice guy of the bench or starter when hot

    • ashtray says:
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      @D Rich: He caught the same power-sapping disease that Craig had last year. The hookers in St Louis should be avoided at all costs.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @ashtray: Is that what happened to Nelly and the St. Lunatics? or Chingy for that matter?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: Bonafacio’s not a star? Somebody lied! Nice 2B option all yea I’d guess. The whole Domonic batting 6th thing disgusts me to no end. With him and Adams combining for 2 jacks not the season, things aren’t looking up for me…..or you apparently .

  8. ashtray says:
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    Considering my team is being dragged to the bottom of the league by Gyorko, Encarnacion and Heyward, can I change my team name to #Disgrace or is that shit copyrighted?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ashtray: It’s not copyrighted yet, but you may be on to something……….I have heyward everywhere. it’s like he’s punishing for some misdeed in a past life or something. WHY GODS!!! WHY!

  9. Relsh says:
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    Top caliber post

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Relsh: Why, thank you

  10. Jay One says:
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    Drop Lawrie for Frazier?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jay One: right when Lawrie jacks a few???? I’ve waited years for this. I’m not dropping now. Not gonna make or break you either way tho. both should be solid.

  11. uncdrew says:
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    Who is Lisa Ann?

      • uncdrew says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        I have a feeling I shouldn’t click that link from work.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @uncdrew: its just a photo. not a video. and its only pg-13

          • uncdrew says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:

            I do believe you, but last time it resulted in a Gohse or some weird name I can’t remember now.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @uncdrew: uh oh

    • Toe Knee Arm Ass says:
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      @uncdrew: The nice lady who will take you from a child to a man

  12. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Perhaps, Meister Tehol, Ser Stanton is the future Lord of Westeros (A.K.A. the Senior Circuit), but then Gomez is the Mad King Aerys, and Pineda is Jinglebells (Spoiler ). And Joff was poisoned by Madeleine Albright, former SecState and Grey’s great-great aunt twice removed, or Marge Schott, otherwise known as the Queen of Thorns. Petyr Pimple Baelish, Bud Selig’s Son–In-Law, was also involved, in his quest to take over as Thenn of the Summer Isles. Jeff Wilpon is actually Osmund Kettleblack, screwing not only Queen Cersei but the Metropolitans, whose demise coincided with the fall of Valerian. And of course George Steinbrenner was the last Dragon, followed by his puissant sons Viserys. Daneyrys Targaryen is one of the four female readers of Grey’s columns. Just filling you in for future columns, but your work is both breath-taking and imposing for the rest of us writers.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: Mr. Allnuts, everyone! wow, I think you should take over the Game of Thrones posts. I’m mesmerized by your wordplay/creativity! You are too kind, Paulie, too kind.

  13. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Now Meister Tehol, what I don’t know is if Gregor the Mountain that Rides is an ancestor of The Donkey (as well as Mini-Donkey, and Mini-Mini Donkey). Perhaps future columns will reveal this mystery, which is as intriguing as who exactly is Jon Snow’s mother. whom I think is Princess Lindsay Clubine (concubine of the Red Viper as well as wife of Zach Greinke, check her out here:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxSDFgoYrZQ )
    Or maybe it is Grey’s Cougar, who can know for sure? The father, however, cannot be Eddard Stark, but needs to be a Targaryen, possibly the Sciosciapath in his youth, as Jon needs to ride one of Dany’s dragons in order to take on the Others, otherwise known as the New York Yankees. Sky, as King of the Wilders on the far side of the wall, is doing his best, but needs more Pine Tar, which is an excellent replacement for dragonglass. Samwell the Slayer, otherwise known as Billy Butler, with his massive moobs, can teach Sky the trick of annilating Others. And that is all of the information I can divulge now, or George Martin will sue me for violating his copyright.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: Thank you for that video, Paulie. I will be spending the next hour or so “Analyzing” the sweet 16. BILLY BUTLER AS SAMWELL!!! HAHAAH I’m in tears. You’ve truly made my day with these responses. Maybe you could write another book after Martin ends the series, you know like Tolkien’s kid did, or all the Star Wars books. I’d purchase it and thats a fact

    • Sheriff McRawDawg says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: that’s awesome Paulie. And I love how Anna Benson is in that vid
      http://m.nydailynews.com/1.1507610#bmb=1
      I think she needs to be in Westeros too – maybe as Melisandre, or a Frey girl – or maybe just one of the dragons??

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Sheriff McRawDawg: Is Anna Benson still hot. or is she fat? I thought I witnessed her a few years back and she was looking wrecked

  14. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    I must also confess that I have painted gloomy faces on all of the trees in my backyard that have red leaves. My neighbors think me bonkers when I talk to my trees, all of whose faces somehow resemble mine the moment after Beltran failed to swing at what would be the third strike from Adam Wainwright back in the playoffs of naught six. However, I have to confess that I do pretend I am the Lord of Light when I cook shrimp on the Barbie, and light up my walking stick pretending it is a fiery sword, which I imagine sticking into the gut of the craven Jeff Wilponzi.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: u r on a role today!! Willponzi. I wish u wasn’t on the go all day so I could give these gems the response they deserve

  15. David says:
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    Was offered Butler for Gallardo. Yes?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David: Yuuuup

  16. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    I kinda wonder what Aaron Haraang’s wife looks like. I know some women are goldiggers, but that would be a face hard to wake up to in the A.M.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paulie Allnuts: I’d call him a “butterFace” but his body is equally pathetic.

  17. Always look forward to this post. Nice work. Elder Gods haven’t been good to me either.

    • Hondo says:
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      @OneI’dWilly: With me it’s the Infield Gods.

      RZimm,Gyorko,Segura,Prince,Miggy,MIller(gone) and Phillips.

      • Hondo says:
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        @Hondo: I did not mean to imply that any of ^ are Gods,rather they are my penance for a misspent youth.

        • @Hondo: I have R. Zimm and Price in a league myself, so I knew exactly what you meant. It’s ok, my backup 3B id Headley, hmm.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Hondo: Yikes

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @OneI’dWilly: thank you very much, William. I appreciate it

  18. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Nice work with the GOT stuff. Did you read the books? Another BIG surprise is a comin’.

    And give me back my dollar. Schoop?! I surrender my turban to you. However, a rematch is deserved!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Guru: anytime, any place! thank you sir. How did you not know to start Schoop, oh wise one?

  19. Andre says:
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    Considering the above….10 team H2H keeper league….Trade D. Gordon, Pagan, Heyward, and Wily Peralta for Alex Gordon and Kemp? Do we believe in Heyward turning it around over Kemp in a crowded outfield?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Andre: I don’t think id make that trade. Heyward has just as good or better chance at nice year as Kemp does. should be interesting

  20. Just Make Pitch says:
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    Would you trade Harper/Hamels for Rizzo/Scherzer? I don’t want to make this trade in my heart because I was hoping Harper would beast this year but it’s not looking too good so far especially since the Nats Manager seems to hate him. My head is telling me that the gap from Harper to Rizzo is likely going to be smaller than the one from gap Scherzer to Hamels. Should I listen to my head or my heart on this one?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Just Make Pitch: Nooooo! we can’t give up yet buddy. Just hold on. Harper can do this for us, I know it

      • Just Make Pitch says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Alrighty, turned down the trade after I factored in the intangible benefits associated with owning Harper and his beautiful mane.

  21. Kid A says:
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    TEHOL!!!

    My man!!!!

    Long time no speak – I’ve missed us.

    I though of you because someone was just asking me the other day, “Hey, how’s that league with Tehol going?”

    I said, “I dunno, lemme check”:

    So I did:

    http://games.espn.go.com/flb/leagueoffice?leagueId=8008&seasonId=2014

    WOW!
    Elder God?
    More like Elder Godawful!

    Seeing your team crumble in April makes me sad. I want you to be competitive for the whole season. Good for the goose – good for the gander! So I talked to some of the other guys in the league and we’ve decided on two potential courses of action:

    1- We are willing to bench a player of your choice from each of our teams – every day. Just fill out a request form and post it to the league board every morning before 8 a.m. EST.

    2 – We will give free player counseling sessions to you so that you can make better start/sit, waiver wire, and free agent acquisitions.

    We hope you’ll only need one of the above interventions – but are willing to offer both if you so choose.

    Let’s get that team rejuvenated and reinvigorated before it evaporates into nothingness!

    Something for you to think about as you slip into your leotard and head off to your next yoga class.

    Let us know what you decide.

    Peace and Love.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kid A: wow

    • Jmorris says:
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      @Kid A: Congrats on being in 4th place…in April. A full 4.5 points ahead of Tehol, impressive. You deserve to gloat!

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Jmorris: seriously. Kudos. Think I’ve been in first all year, and first day I’m not he decides to chime in again. Not sure why he joined my league. I’m not a hateful person

    • bterry says:
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      @Kid A: haha. April rankings. What a tool.

  22. Kid a's father says:
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    Rahhhhh!!! Why didn’t the sbortion take?

  23. Kid a's father says:
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    Abortion… God I’m old

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kid a’s father: only the Gods know. There must be a lesson here somewhere

      • Kid a's father says:
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        The abortion gods are fickle and cruel. One can only hope that my son does what’s right for the family and humanity as a whole and take his life.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Kid a’s father: why is your son so hateful? Did you keep him locked in a dungeon all his life? “It puts the lotion on the skin.”

          • Kid a's father says:
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            I’ve been feeding him acid for 25 years…

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Kid a’s father: i figured it was just tube steak

  24. D Rich says:
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    @Kid Gay: how many times in your life have you had your stomach pumped? I am going to start calling you Lil Kim the way you take nut shots to the face and belly! Go watch Semi Pro and enjoy celebrating 4th place you fantasy peon

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: he must not defeat me. The Gods can’t let it happen

      • Kid a's father says:
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        Stomach pumped at least 3 times that we know of… The boy loves cock. I interrupted one of his frolics and the little fucker bit me.

        • D Rich says:
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          They don’t call him @Kid Gay for nothing #tummysticks

          • Kid a's father says:
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            A stands for anal… He takes most loads on his back

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Kid a’s father: nothing like a good old fashioned back spray. don’t let him shower afterwards

  25. frankgrimes says:
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    http://youtu.be/JBcKAg4bDQo
    Sir you are so right on bout John C. Reilly
    Check it Out
    I’m making gravy.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @frankgrimes: hahaha where in the gods’s names did you find this Frankfurter?

      • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: that’s from tim and eric’s good show, great job. he plays DOCTOR Brule pretty much every episode.

  26. Harangt is cheating is all that I can think of for his ‘remarkable’ turn around. He got some of Bartolo’s Cologne!! lol

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Malicious Phenom: must be! There’s no other possible excuse for this!!

  27. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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    i’m not some huge Watts fan but she is much better than that wife of Stiller’s from the Fockers movies.

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