Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was arrested for a DUI. So that explains why his pitches are all over the place! He blew a 0.22. That’s six-plus runs better than his ERA. Gallardo’s mugshot looks like a still from a PSA. “More than 79% of Americans feel the most significant social problem facing America is the physical absence of a decent 1st baseman.” “I’m Yovani, and our 1st baseman is Alex Gonzalez some days. Other days, it’s Yuniesky Betancourt. Please stop this needless crime against run support.” I wonder if he was driving home from the Miller Brewery tour, because it’s awesome, but, man, you should not drive after that. “If I draw a mouth on my forehead and stand upside down, then I’d have two mustaches.” That’s me towards the tail end of the Miller tour. Well, Yovani does pitch for the Brewers. What did you expect? Guess we should be happy he doesn’t pitch for the Crack Rockies. For fantasy baseball, this doesn’t mean much. Pray Gallardo returns from a DUI as successfully as Miguel Cabrera. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – 0-for-5 with 4 strikeouts. Here’s a picture of Braun on his final K.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his first home run. Looks like my Sell lit a fire under him. Well, hot dog it! Now he has value for you to sell him.
Wily Peralta – 4 IP, 5 ER. Well, he did remind us of a young Gallardo. Maybe he was drunk.
Joel Hanrahan – As was originally announced here after inferring shizz from other places, Hanrahananananananan was placed on the DL Andrew Bailey should be owned, or put in a pithier fashion, A.B.? Sí. Dial DEF? He could be butter, Ghi. Aw, c’mon, JK.
Felix Doubront – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks. His command isn’t taking a step forward, which ironic because he sure knows how to walk others.
Aaron Hill – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken hand. Aaron Hill is being paid $5.5 million this year by the Diamondbacks. Three days ago, the Diamondbacks said Aaron Hill had a bone bruise and let him pinch hit for two more days. Say you had $5.5 million to buy, I don’t know, a baseball player. Would you just let him continue to go on the field or would you check for, I don’t know, a broken hand? We’re not talking about checking for the African Gong-Gong Disease which has no known symptoms and isn’t even listed in the Oxford Medical Journal. How do you not check for a broken hand prior to people setting their weekly fantasy lineups?!
Didi Gregorius – With the Hill injury, the Diamondbacks recalled Gregorius. He sure does sound like a happy guy, doesn’t he? You never catch that Gregorius guy sitting by himself, looking sullen. “Hey, Gregorius, what are you up to?” “I’m just being myself, man. Talking to people and stuff.” First, let’s look at what Scott, our prospect writer, said about him while he was still in the Reds system (Didi, not Scott), “Gregorious isn’t touted quite so highly as Hamilton, but he’s ahead of him developmentally and he probably has a better shot of sticking at shortstop. He projects a little better at the plate than Cozart, and with a good year in Triple-A, Gregorius could challenge for the regular SS role in 2013. He’s known for his trademark chant, ‘Grey can suck a big fat one.’” I don’t see that ‘trademark chant’ mentioned on any other site. Gregorius was the piece the D-Backs received for Bauer. He could be Cozart with a slightly better average. He is a defense-first-type guy that limits his fantasy appeal. If you’re struggling at MI, I could see taking a flyer. I’d expect a 12-homer, 12-steal guy with a .270 average, if he sticks in the majors.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4. How many Pollocks does it take to go 2-for-4? One apparently.
Michael Bourn – Hit the DL. For 15 days, he’ll be the Bourn Nonentity.
Kevin Gregg – Cubs brought him up from the minors. Gregg says he wants to be the closer. I wonder if he wanted to be the closer those other times he sucked in the role. Kevin Gregg, you have save goggles.
Darwin Barney – 0-for-4. The Purple Evolutionist was activated from the DL, so he can return to his Galapagos-for-4′s.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs, 2nd homer while hitting .345. Before it’s too late in the season and you can’t remember all the way back to March, think about how torn you were with who you should draft first. Yup.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. In front of Miggy and Fielder, how many runs does he score? 110? 120? Do I hear 125?
Michael Morse – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he returned from his fractured pinkie. His Blinky, Inky and Clyde were fine.
Nolan Reimold – 0-for-3. I stood below Reimold’s window and sang, “I tried to do handstands for you, I tried to do handstands for you…” But I can’t carry a tune or a nine-hole hitter. I’m sure I’ll pick him up again at some point, but I just thought I’d let you know. Me and Nolan and no mo’ fo’ now.
Joe Mauer – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and 8 for his last 10. There’s some Norwegian women in Minnesota, sucking their teeth, wishing he was their pop. I don’t even know how I mean that.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer, hitting .209. Sure would be nice to see him get hot for an extended period of time. Or at least two days in a row.
Freddie Freeman – Said he felt fine after taking 30 swings yesterday. I imagine Freddie Freeman moonwalks everywhere he goes when he feels fine.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-3 and two solo homers. Don’t moonwalk so fast, Freeman!
Justin Upton – 1-for-4 with guess what? A suspected liver spot that was dried chocolate? What, Random Italicized Voice? No! He hit another homer. His 8th. My bad!
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run. That noise? Could be the window to buy him low closing.
Carlos Gonzalez – 5-for-9, 5 runs, 2 RBIs, a steal and he he hit his fourth home run in the first game. Not four homers in one game. Though that wouldn’t have been a record. Mark Whiten, “Damn skippy!”
Eric Young Jr. – 4-for-11, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a steal as he led off in both games of the doubleheader. I like the way you think, Walt Weiss! If Young becomes the everyday lead-off guy, let me just say, I told the Rockies to do this four years ago! They’re a Mile High and a Mile Thick. If you’re looking for some delicious SAGNOF, here ya go.
David Wright – 3-for-8, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two home runs in the 1st game, his first ones of the season. They both came off Juan just Nicasio you didn’t know.
Ike Davis – 0-for-4 and didn’t start in the 2nd game. He looks five miles off the plate and gets bad calls off the plate because of it. He can’t generate any power off the tip of his bat. If he doesn’t change, then he’s just a mistake hitter when the ball creeps back far enough for him to get a piece. He’s gonna get pitched away all year; he needs to move closer to the plate. Is this brain surgery? Then I’m a motherfu**in’ brain surgeon! Move closer to the G-D plate, you buffoon!
Derek Holland – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Cubs. His ERA is now at 1.64 on the year. That translates to a 4.25 ERA in Arlington in the summer.
Chris Capuano – Left in the third inning with a hamstring injury. Damn you, Quentin!
Jeremy Affeldt – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. Well, at least Affeldt has insurance.
Bryce Harper – Sat out yesterday with the flu that he contracted from Denard Span. I don’t think they were sharing eye black.
Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER (7 unearned runs), 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. That smell you’re getting is the pickled Haren. Not really sure what the Stream-o-Nator was thinking recommending this start. SON, “Purple drank made me do it.”
Steve Lombardozzi – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 4 for his last 9. Hey, it’s the guy with the jobber’s name! He’s temping for Espinosa. In most leagues, I’d let him answer someone else’s calls.
Hanley Ramirez – Reported that he would return “way sooner” than mid-May. It wasn’t reported if he also said “Baberaham Lincoln” and “Schwing.”
Adeiny Hechavarria – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his first home run. Spiny Echidna, or whatever his name is, isn’t worth your time yet outside of NL-Only leagues.
Juan Pierre – 3-for-4, 2 Runs, 2 steals. That’s one steal for each apostle he’s named after.
Alex Sanabia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Only starters I wouldn’t spot start against the Marlins pitch for the Marlins.
Barry Zito – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER. That Zito popped and oozed runs.
Brandon Belt – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his second steal. Love to see some of that power he was displaying in the spring. C’mon, don’t make me wait until the Giants are playing in Arizona with 6th string journeymen relievers throwing.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. His velocity must look better in kilometers.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer, hitting .262. Not playing every day because the Blue Jays have, like, 17 outfielders, but if he keeps hitting they’re gonna have a difficult time coming up with excuses to sit him. “You know that movie, Speed? Okay, imagine that was a person? Rajai Davis can’t sit!” That’s the Blue Jays coming up with bad excuses.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and second in as many games. Yeah, you should’ve just waited and drafted him in the last round.
Brett Lawrie – 0-for-3 with 1 RBI as he returned. He was initially expected to play 2nd base when he returned, but season tickets by the 3rd base bag were sold with the caveat, “Due to Lawrie’s exuberant play, he could fly into the 3rd base stands at any time,” and no such unbridled enthusiasm clause was made for the 1st base side tickets.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, as the Most Frustrating Fantasy Starter To Own reminded you why you put up with his occasional drubbings.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. I liked Kendrick in the preseason as long as he stayed in the rotation. With starts like this, Charlie Manuel can only say, “That junebug wears overalls in July!” Okay, so no one knows what Manuel is ever talking about, but Kendrick is a solid back end fantasy option.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Indians should scalp Ubaldo.
Kelvin Herrera – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, giving up back-to-back-to-back homers. Or fack-to-fack-to-fack, as was heard in my house. In 84 1/3 IP last year, he gave up 4 homers. Three yesterday. That’s not Kelvin. That’s absolute zero.
Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.20 ERA, 0.97 WHIP on the year. Okay, I’ve seen enough. I’m not starting him every time out with confidence, but he has a 17:3 K:BB. In most match-ups, he should have fantasy value. I’d go ahead and grab him.
Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4, 1 run as he temporarily replaces Quentin. Stinks for everyone who bought left field seats without knowing they would be obstructed. “How was the game?” “Good, it looked a lot like an afro.”
Chris Denorfia – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 2nd steal, batting .405 on the year. Denorfia’s a role player for the most part. His role is to make other Padres look less bad.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs. Only 34 more to go. Can we get this as a ticker in Times Square? I want to see tourists posing in front of it, thinking it’s how many quinceañeras Eva Longoria has been invited to on Twitter in the last 24 hours.
Eric Sogard – 3-for-3 and his second steal. Be interesting to see what he does against major league pitching.
Derek Jeter – No longer expected to return on May 1st. Hope he sends a gift basket to all the fantasy owners he screwed.
Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Little known fact alert! Apple is coming out with an iVan for soccer moms.
Luis Jimenez – 2-for-4, 2 runs. And here we go around the hot schmotato merry-go-round, where it stops nobody– Well, I know. It stops right here for today. Jimenez is hitting .438 and has started every game since he was called up from Triple-A Salt Lake. Do they have good salt water taffy there? I wonder. Jimenez has 20-homer pop and could chip in some steals. In Triple-A in 2012, his line was 16 homers, 17 steals and .309. Sure, it was in the PCL, where it’s like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat, but I’d grab Jimenez for some upside in deeper leagues.
Ryan Madson – Expects to be ready by May 1st. He said this was the “closest I’ve felt to normal.” That sounds like voiceover from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. BTW, I was so bummed that movie wasn’t about the groupies Jakob Dylan used to bang. False advertising!