Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day. If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs. As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, spelling’s for sissies! The Mariners made it a bit more joyous for some of us fantasy baseballers when they demoted Dustin Ackley for Nick Franklin. Ackley was a guy I could never fully get behind, in a non-sexual way. He arrived in the majors with a ton of hype, but that’s more because Mariners fans lie to themselves more than anything Ackley showed. So, what does the Mustache King, Purveyor of Smart Stuff Who Should Be Able To Come Up With A Better Word Than Stuff If He Were That Smart think about Franklin? Brucely, I’m a bit meh, but I’d pick him up in all leagues and have. Franklin looks similar to Ackley. He has power and speed, but not in a huge way, which will be further suppressed by Safeco. Safeco: Where a hitter’s upside goes to die. Franklin’s best year in the minors was in A-Ball in 2010. To put that into a relatable comparison, you were your town’s best T-ball hitter, how well did you do in high school? You flunked out of high school? Point made. This year, he had 4 homers and 7 steals in Triple-A, and I’d put it at about a 25% chance that his end of the season numbers look the same for the Mariners. If you can’t find someone that can get you 4 homers and 7 steals from now until October, you’re not trying very hard. There is a chance for upside and he is only 22 years old, so I’d take the gamble and grab him. Best case scenario, 15 homers, 15 steals. Worst case scenario, he shows up at the nightclub you like to take your lady to, challenges you to a dance battle, beats you, screaming “You got served!” and your lady leaves with him. Most likely scenario, he hits 8 homers, steals 12 bases and bats .250, so watch how you spend your FAAB Benjamins on Franklin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Price – Played catch yesterday. He didn’t play catch from 60 feet and six inches with a catcher in a game, so there’s really no news. He’s about three weeks away still. Since he cost me Machado in a trade, I’ll be watching him closely and will be giving mani-pedis and back massages to my Price voodoo doll.
Kelly Johnson – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs, 2 homers and a steal for the always-popular double slam and legs. As you can see on the Player Rater, he’s easily in the top tier of guys for 2nd base. Granted, at 2nd base, that’s the cream of the crap. The incredible thing is Joe Maddon actually sits Johnson a few times a week…on purpose! Obviously, Joe’s family name was shortened at Ellis Island from Maddoning.
Jake Odorizzi – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. the Marlins as he was staked to a huge early led as Jose Fernandez (3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 3 unearned runs) was bounced early. So, I was watching this game with my non-alcoholic beverage of choice, Capri Sun, in one hand and red rope licorice in the other. My Capri Sun straw wasn’t sticking through the aluminum pouch, so I stabbed the licorice into the drink and drank until I sucked in something that tasted like a grounded-up pill. Then I woke up in the back of an El Dorado with sore genitals…. AH!!! Roofie’d! I hate you, Odorizzi, almost as much as I love Giancarlo. Hopefully Jake hurt himself when I dropped him to waivers.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 1 run with his 3rd steal. Someone who loves me, and not just for my hirsute lip, would figure out how many games the Rays have won with Joyce and Johnson in the lineup vs. how many with them out of it, then mail that info to Maddon.
Manny Machado – 3-for-5, run and his 5th steal. Now when I sing Macho Macho Machado man, I do it with a tinge of sadness in my voice. I’m verklempt!
Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, run, RBI and two games in a row with multiple hits. Well, la di da!
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, run, RBI and I go over him this afternoon in the podcast. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats. Five worst teams for OBP at home are Marlins, White Sox, Astros, Mets and the Nats. Being in that company is like getting invited to a party you don’t want to go to and telling the person, “Sorry, I have previous plans for this Saturday,” and they say, “Awesome, because the party is Friday.”
Starling Marte – Sat out with a headache. He also denied his girlfriend a booty call.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. I can’t believe I’m about to make an excuse for him, but this start was vs. the Tigers and Liriano has still been nasty vs. NL teams. Ugh, I feel dirty.
Andrew McCutchen – 0-for-3, 1 RBI and two steals. To get the SAGNOF fortitude, he took a lead off the base, looked into the dugout and saw Michael McKenry throwing an empty Dixie Cup into the trash and coming up five feet short.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 13 Ks. This game comes after back-to-back games where he was tattooed so bad he looked like Justin Salander.
Jhonny Peralta – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .341. I was Skype’ing the other day with The God Of Superfluous H’s, who goes by GOSH, and he was saying that he was sick of being evenhanded with BABIP. He wanted to give Jhonny Peralta a little extra push. He also had nothing nice to say about Jonny Gomes.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and has raised his average twenty points since I told you to give up on him. Give up on David Price! (Not really.) Really! (No, seriously, don’t.) Yes, seriously! (Parenthetical Aside, “You’re boring me now.”)
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. By the by, on the team I traded Choo and Machado away, my offense is still kicking hoo-ah like it’s drunk on Flavor of Love. If only I could get some damn pitching to work.
Mike Leake – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. I secretly like Leake, and am horrible at keeping a secret. The Stream-o-Nator sees his next start vs. the Pirates nearly identical to this start vs. the Indians. In most leagues, I’d give Leake a whizz, er, whirl.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 4th homer as he hits .339. I understand the Twins are a small market team with fiduciary concerns, but how long do we have to look at the Jamey Carroll, Brian Dozier, Pedro Florimon’s of the world in their lineup. Can they merge with the Padres? Astros? The Tigers bench hitters?
Pedro Florimon – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Florimon is also the name of an anime character with a tulip head that shoots sunflower seeds out of its eyes. Pedro Florimon is good for speed, which is also what the creators of anime are on.
Ryan Braun – Sat with a thumb injury. He said, “I’ve basically been swinging with one hand for two weeks.” Jim Abbott pfft’d.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3 and his 2nd 2-homer game in the last three games. Here’s me on Saturday, “Well, I don’t write a roundup on Saturday so I avoided having to write mea culpas for telling people to sell Gomez.” Yesterday, I punched Saturday Grey in the mouth for passing the buck to me. None of Gomez’s peripherals make much sense. His K-rate is up, but so is his average…by .60 points off his career. His line drives are up, which is good, but his ground balls are up (not literally) and his fly balls are down (literally). He should not be this good, but that broken record is getting harder to listen to.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer. More like Jean-luc Goddamn I Love This Guy.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. I hate to do the flip-hop, the flippie – the flippie to the flip-hop on Niese, but I’d roll with him again in all leagues, especially since he gets the MIA Marlins the next two starts.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks in Metco. If you can’t pitch that well against the Mets at home or Marlins, you shouldn’t be in the majors. I’m farting in your general direction, Odorizzi!
Dan Straily – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. I don’t want to kick a gift streamer in the mouth, but only one K? Who are you, Joe Saunders? I don’t want Joe Saunders. If I wanted Joe Saunders, I would’ve picked up Joe Saunders then walked into traffic.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals. After the game, Altuve told a story about what Memorial Day meant for him. His family would go to amusement parks and he’d watch as they rode the roller coasters, unable to go on them due to height requirements. That was last year.
Kyuji Fujikawa – Back to the DL with a forearm strain. You know what you get when you put your forearm to your forehead? A look of eightache. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours!
Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, 2.85 ERA. If you didn’t draft him after reading this site all preseason, that’s on you.
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal. An Alf hasn’t looked this good since he bailed his TV dad out of jail for smoking crack.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Due to the amount of baserunners vs. runs, I can tell he was unlucky. So, if your league has an Appearances category, but it means how they looked vs. how they performed, you got a good start.
Aaron Harang – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. A performance like that from The Harangutan gets Jane Goodall’s nipples hard.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Dot dot dot dash dot dot.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting near .500 in the last week. Recently, Morales has been a flaming beast, which was a phrase I picked up from Behind the Candelabra.
Josh Beckett – Shut down after feeling tingling in his fingers. I always thought that was good luck at the craps table. Hmm.
Dee Gordon – Optioned down to Triple-A. There, he’ll try to hit someone’s weight other than his own.
Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. This is blatantly obvious, but he’s not right. They probably rushed him back from The Quentin Incident. I’m actually glad he goes to Coors next time out, so I don’t even have to debate about benching him. There’s one circumstance when I’d be glad to be sonavabenched.
Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI, average is up to .337. Too bad the schmohawk in front of him went 0-for-5 with 4 Ks or we would’ve got some ribbie action.
C.J. Wilson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Unlike Greinke, Wilson’s probably right, but I wouldn’t own him.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You know, Brown looks good on me. It brings out my smile.
Martin Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. “Siri, wake me when Perez even shows a glimmer of his top prospect potential.” “Okay, Grey, texting entire phone book, ‘Get slimmer to show your potential.'”
Yu Darvish – 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks. When I tell my cougar that I love her, I’m spelling you wrong.
Bryce Harper – Sat with bursitis. Would’ve made more sense if it were Brycesitis.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd this week. I dropped him for Franklin before the games started so I didn’t even get a bomb voyage.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and 14th homer. Right now, I wouldn’t want to be a pitcher going against the Jays and I’d grab any Jays hitter scraps off waivers to try and get in on the fun. *cough* Lind *cough*
Brett Lawrie – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain. He’s day-to-day. Or as they say in Jamaica, day-o-to-day-o.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Elsewhere, Sal Perez didn’t play because his Maw-Maw passed. Who’s gonna console me that I passed on Gattis?
Mike Moustakas – Out with quad tightness. If that’s short for especially terrible at hitting, then I agree.
David Lough – 4-for-5, 1 run. Got the start today with Cain resting. Has been seeing time with Frenchy giving the French a bad name…Oh, wait. Lough could be a hot schmotato with a side of SAGNOF, but he looks as promising as everyone else that comes up in the Royals system that they don’t trade away.
James Shields – 6 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks. Just a rough start for a guy that has been solid– Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t own him anywhere so…Schadenfreude!
Daniel Descalso – 3-for-3, 2 runs. Is hitting .400 in the last week. Where’s the but, Grey? Give us the but! Well, Random Italicized Voice, he doesn’t play every day. There’s the but!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Reds. Solid effort in what seems like a solid bounce back season for him, right? Guess his ERA. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *twiddles thumbs, twirls keyboard like it’s a pencil, dances to Justin Bieber song, gets caught dancing to Bieber and pretends instead to be dancing away from a cockroach* His ERA is 5.57! Belch.
Vinnie Pestano – Francona said he’d go with Pestano over Joe Smith and Cody Allen, two guys that are doing much better than Pestano. Francona said, “You know, we always called each other good fellas. Like you said to, uh, somebody, ‘You’re gonna like Pestano. He’s all right. He’s a good fella. He’s one of us.”
Brett Myers – Has crankiness in his elbow. Myers concluded it was that time of the month for his elbow then smacked it.