When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract. So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday. I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica. Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty. Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games. A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.” I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam. Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?
Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers. Votto bing, Votto boom.
Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer. I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer. If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer. He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle. If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon. McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable. He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.
Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker. He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.
Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks. Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel. And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.
Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head. ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).
Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year. On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.
Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals. If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday. I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming. Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change. It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does. Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5 with his first homer. I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating. It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts. In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate. But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond. How’s that for circular reasoning?
Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s. Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER. That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!
Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco. Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play. Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.
Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago. I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name: VenturARGH. And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday. To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat. At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league. I need this ulcer? No, no I don’t. If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly. But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday. He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols. Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal. The irony!
Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday. Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!” But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year. Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino. You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been. Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.
Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17. The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games. Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday. 18 homers? I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.
C.J. Wilson – Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER. Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed. So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Then on Sunday, he rested. Geez, with the God complex.
Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday. He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do. It just looks so easy to strike me out.”
Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4. Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors. In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.
Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays. He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts. I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with. My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes. It looks like ‘meh.’
Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday). He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.
Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.” Sounds like medial up a different starter.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI. He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.
Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee. Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week. Might’ve been helpful.
Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed. Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer. Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI. BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.
Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match. Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.
Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks. Cust kayin’.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.
Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.
Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat. Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.
Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring. Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game. Um, well, guess we can hope. How do we get this hammy cured? Because those are delicious.
Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon. Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.