Dear Mr. Giancarlo Stanton,

Your .265 batting average is not really all that bad, but we have a problem. You see, I drafted you in my RCL and several other leagues, but I did so with something in mind: home runs. Where are they? How could you keep such a hideous truth hidden until after our union? Now you know that your knee is as dear to me as my own heart, but I'm afraid that I cannot accept it as an excuse.

Ichiro Suzuki has as many home runs as you and Joey Votto combined. Are you trying to f*ck up my life? Is this all some sadistic game to you? Do you realize that RCL titles are at stake here?!?! I don't know what i did to deserve this, but i lay in bed at night crying as I wonder what could have gone wrong... Was it something that I did? I'm sorry about the burnt chicken the night after the draft; I was so excited about having you on my team that I forgot to set the timer! And please forgive me for that snide comment about ponies... I didn't know that your Manya loved them so much when she was a kid.


I'm going to set up an appointment for us to go to fantasy baseball counseling. I think that talking it out will help us understand each other so that we can air our grievances and move on. If you are unwilling to attend then you clearly aren't interested in working on this relationship, so consider us over.

Please... Please out homer Ichiro. Times ten. Please!

The no homer, but guaranteed to hit 30 homer club is now in session. The honorable Phat Albert presiding.

A: "Giancarlo, will you read the minutes from the last meeting."
G: "Why do I have to read the minutes?"
A: "Because you're the new guy. . . and that Uggla character hit his first yesterday so he's out."
G: "How about that Upton kid, I think he could read them."
A: "Nope, turns out he's all thumbs."
G: "Then Cargo, make him read em."
A: "Shut up Mike and read the minutes."
G: "It's Giancarlo!"
A: "WTF ever, just read the damn minutes before I have Yadier crawl out of my ass and thump you one."
G: "OK, fine. We voted to kick Napoli out last week because he hadn't showered in a week and smelled of 3 day old fried chicken & BO."
A: "Well we solved that problem since he got off the snide and hit 5 this week. He's out! Man, I'm gonna miss his Mom's hoots. What else you got, Mike?"
G: "It's Giancarlo, damn it!"
A: "Yeah, yeah, sure. You're not ethnic, you're Italian now. Keep selling that to the lot lizards that you've been picking up after the ball games. 'Oh, Giancarlo is so sexy, he's suave like a italian prince.'"
G: "I didn't do it to pick up chicks."
A: "Oh come on don't sell that shit here. I saw Jersey Shore last season. That Italian shit is good swagg."
G: "Back to the minutes,"
A: "Wait, is that Goldschmidt kid still wanting to be a member?"
G: "Yeah, why?"
A: "We've got room now that the Grandy man hit 3 last night."
G: "Dude come on, do we really count the ones hit to right field at Yankee Stadium? I could fart a ball that far."
A: "I don't know, lets bring it to a vote. Motion to exclude all HR hit to RF in Yankee stadium."
G: "I second"
A: "All in favor?"
Everyone: "Aye!"
A: "Opposed?"
Everyone: (crickets)
A: "Great, motion passed."
G: "Do you want me to call Grandy back and let him know the good news?"
A: "Not so fast he did hit one in Baltimore this year."
Everyone: "Aw, shit!"
A: "Meeting ajourned, now go hit a fucking homerun tonight or you'll be presiding next week cause I'm getting off the mutha fucking bench if I have to ground it to Sparky Pedroia and throw his ass over the Green Monster."