Lastings Milledge is about to get called up by the Pirates (We’re not your Pops’ Pirates!) and he should get playing time. Shoot, I could prolly get playing time with the Pirates. Is this still the head case that the Mets and Nats gave up on? Sure. Luckily, the rap scene in Pittsburgh is about as happening as Poughkeepsie’s and there’s no chance Milledge will high-five a fan after a homer, because, well, the Pirates have no fans. Lastings Milledge can give you a two month stretch that looks remarkably similar to what Beltran has done over the last two months, or he can give you a two month streak where he looks like what Beltran should’ve done for the last two months. Will Milledge suddenly be 10 team worthy? Check yo projections at the door. I don’t know. His 2nd half last year was hella strong. (Yo and hella were requests of the 18-29 test audience). So Milledge can give you a ten team worthy outfielder and that’s worth a flier in every league. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Ty Wigginton – Hit a homer on Thursday. Know how many homers he hit last August? 12. Why does he get hot in August? I don’t know. Maybe his moon sign coalesces well with August’s sun sign. Whatever the case. Pick him up in deep leagues and monitor him closely in 12 team or shallower.
Kyle Blanks – The Pillsbury Fro Boy has been hot. That’s your positive tip, now dance on the floor and have room for The Chubbster.
Billy Butler – The Moobster has also been hot. I have my doubts about him for this year (I’m getting excited about drafting him next year). But if you’re struggling at corner, you have my express written consent to pick up Butler.
Chris Tillman – As defined by the Razzball Glossary, a roofie is a rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP. If you need to take on risk, Tillman’s worth a shot, but you may end up crying in the corner of your bathroom.
Derek Holland – Shoot me now for what these roofies will do to you.
Clayton Richard – Latest HodgePadre. Suddenly, he has value for mixed leagues.
Aaron Poreda – This trade makes him an immediate grab in NL-Only keeper leagues.
Adam LaRoche – I told you he’d get a boost from his trade! It just wasn’t his first trade. My visions of the future are sometimes murky.
Andy Marte – Father, I must confess, I’ve picked up Andy Marte in a mixed league. You know how much I love prospects who are past prospect staus. His Triple-A stats were apple-sweet this year. When I own him, I can’t stop thinking about crates of Dippin’ Dots slowly parachuting into Africa, so it can’t be all bad, right?
Eugenio Velez – Hot and he has speed. (Sounds like a young Ron LeFlore.)
Jim Johnson – Doesn’t he sound like a cult leader? Jim Johnson states that in order to get vulture saves you must drink his Kool-Aid. This will also help you shed your Earth skin.
Danys Baez – If you’re really hard up for saves and Johnson’s gone, grab Baez. Though you may be left holding your Earth skin.
Matt Thornton – Potential vulture saves if Ozzie ever convinces Jenks to go to the Disgraceful List.
Kaz Matsui – He might be as exciting to you as the Jockular Sphincteritis he once suffered from, but he’s 4 for his last 7 with his homer yesterday. He hit over .300 in 2008’s 2nd half with 5 homers and 5 steals. Decent enough in NL-Only leagues or very deep mixed leagues.
Howie Kendrick – Not only is he hot, but if you pick him up, you can mock everyone who drafted him back in March.
Ben Francisco – Don’t cha just wanna call him Benji Cisco? No? Okay, maybe it’s me. He has no value if he’s on the bench, but while The Flying Hawaiian’s grounded, he’s worth a look.
Michael Saunders – Had a .310/.378/.544 line in Triple-A along with 13 homers in 248 ABs. Eh, he’s a decent flier in AL-Only leagues, but I just can’t get excited about Mariners prospects. If he was any good, why didn’t they trade him to the Orioles?
SELL
George Sherrill – Unless you count Holds or you’re a MR. B., Sherrill’s not worth your roster spot.
Ian Kinsler – Yup, it’s almost that time of the year. Kinsler’s missed the last two games and he’s never played in more than 130 games. Washington has already said he will bench him more in the 2nd half to try to keep Kinsler out of the dumps, so far it hasn’t worked. Kinsler hit .157 in July with 4 homers and 6 steals. Now don’t trade Kinsler for a lanyard anklet, but you might want to explore some trades.
Jake Peavy – The White Sox didn’t acquire Peavy to rush him back and risk further injury. He’s there for the playoff push. This trade doesn’t suddenly make him healthy. Not to mention, he leaves the (really) friendly confines of Petco for a hitters’ park. It’s not great for his value.
Victor Martinez – Nothing like a trade to the Sawx to cause a player’s perceived value go through the roof. Will this trade boost his value? Of course. Will his perceived value suddenly be higher than his actual value? Yup. Again, don’t trade him for the innate ability to spell Gewurztraminer, but I’d keep my avenues open.
Casey Kotchman – Nothing like a trade to the Sawx to… Oh, wait. He’s now stuffed in the middle of the revolving cornerman door. Considering Kotchman will only be facing favorable matchups now, it doesn’t kill his value, but you would need a backup for the days he sits.
Francisco Liriano – Member back in 2006 when you guys had the time of your life? Frolicking around the park like the two schoolkids you were. You’d start a sentence, he finished it. You’d invite him to sleep over and beg your Mom to make his favorite kind of pupusas. Well, now he won’t leave and he just wet your bed. Stop lying in Liriano’s urine and drop him.
