Brandon Morrow has changed his mind once again, deciding that his decision in the offseason to be a starter after relieving last year was a better idea than his decision in April to return to closing. It’s already June and it’ll take him at least a month or so to stretch out his arm. Could he put together a great 10 game stretch to finish the year? Potentially, but maybe he’ll decide he wants to play shortstop instead. We’re so tired of him changing his mind that we’re going to pretend like we’re monologue writers for The Tonight Show rather than debate his merits…. You know what Brandon Morrow likes for breakfast? Waffles. Why does Brandon Morrow like to play in public fountains? They let him be both wishy and washy. Why does Brandon Morrow love the words Aloha and Shalom? Because he could use them to both start and close a conversation. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Quentin – Out until the All-Star Break with a torn tendon. This news took a dump on my prediction that Quentin would come back strong in another week. Story of my life. I try to be optimistic and God farts in my general direction. In fairness to me, everyone was claiming it was plantar something-or-itis and special shoes like young Forrest Gump wore would help him. That wasn’t the case so I was dealing with inaccurate information. A team lying to the media? What else is new?
Jo-Jo Reyes – Hurt his hamstring covering first base. Jose Reyes has a torn hamstring. Anthony Reyes is out for the season with elbow surgery. Watch out, Dennis Reyes!
Denard Span – Out for tests as he suffers from dizziness. Votto, cover your mouth! Span might head to the Dizzabled List with Votto.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks. You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan says, “I hate you, Harry. I really hate you.” Then they kiss. That’s what a 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks is. It’s the kind of start that gives you hope for a better tomorrow, but you kinda know that he was facing the A’s and tomorrow’s start isn’t going to be so great.
Jorge Cantu – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, Cantu out of the game with a dizzy spell. Maybe the pregame drill of spinning in circles with your head on top of the bat isn’t such a good idea.
Jose Lopez – 3 homers in the last three days. Okay, so it seems like it took until June for him to start producing. I’d lose your unproductive MI, if J. Lo’s out there.
Carl Pavano – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. He sucked you in! Yes, he did! Well, he kinda sucked me in too. I mean, I would never pick him up, but I kinda thought there was a corner turned.
Gil Meche – 7 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks. Now has given up 3 runs in the last 20 innings. I could’ve sworn I told everyone to get him about two or three weeks ago…. Let’s see…. Oh, here it is.
John Smoltz – Will make a start on Thursday for the Triple-A PawSawx, then could be ready as soon as next Tuesday vs. the Marlins.
Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks. The Wandwagon rides again!
Geovany Soto – HR yesterday. I would sell him immediately if anyone’s buying.
John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Solid bounce back game after a couple of wonky ones.
Chien-Ming Wang – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER. If you can’t let go of Wang at this point, you might have some Freudian thing going on.
Jake Fox – After scorching AAA and fields of Iowa’s prized corn to the tune of .423/17 HR/50 RBIs, Jake Fox got sent back down in favor of Aaron Miles after a measly 12 ABs. Why? Because, supposedly, he can’t field. Or in his words “I’m short, fat and fighting against a little athleticism issues“. If I lived in Chicago, I’d print shirts that said “Crazy Short, Fat, and Unathletic….Like a Fox!” I’d also print “Milton Bradley – Unsafe for Ages 2+” (He’s fine with babies) and “I’ll Fight You Zambrano y Mano”.
Andrew McCutchen – He goes 0-for-5 the day we finally settle on a nickname — The Dread Pirate.
Juan Pierre – Will be relegated to fourth outfielder status with the return of Manny in July. Okay, who’s going to register FreeJuanPierre.com?
Clayton Kershaw – Managed to get through ony 2 2/3 innings at home against the Padres. He was fortunate enough to only have 3 of the 9 baserunners score. We predict that he has 3 more mixed years, then has 5 amazing years, retires with a sore elbow, and is idolized by a whole generation of Jewish boys.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. I mentioned this two days ago and will probably mention it again in the Buy/Sell tomorrow, but Kouz is picking up baserunners as Gonzalez gets pitched around.
John Lackey – 5 IP, 8 ER. At Tampa is a tough matchup (especially with The Zo). I wouldn’t chuck him into a deal just to get rid of him after this start. He gets the Giants next. Now if he makes them look good, there might be a problem.
Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 11 hits, 1 K at Metco. Just when you think he’s back to being a diamond, he gives you a lump of Cole.
Albert Pujols – The Cardinals put up 13 runs today and Pujols is 1-for-4 with 1 Run and no RBIs. Now THAT’S a Ticker Tease.
Colby Rasmus – Kid Cardinal is now 14-for-31 in June with 5 doubles and 2 HRs. If he’s swimming in your free agent pool, pick him up. If that sounded homoerotic, wait to see how we genuflect when he starts stealing bases like the rest of the Cards (Pujols has 8 already?!)
Andrew Bailey – Brought in to a tie game in the top of the 9th and Kazaam! 1 IP and 3 ERs. Way to lasso the moon, Bailey! He’s not in danger of losing the closing job but don’t be afraid to move him as he’ll be hard-pressed to maintain his current 1996 Mariano Rivera-like 100 IP / 125 K pace.
Jay Bruce – HR yesterday. I think he checks to see how many owners in Yahoo have him out their lineup. When it’s under 40%, he hits a homer. Just a theory.
Aaron Harang – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER. Dusty wanted him to win this game so bad, he used his closer on both sides of an hour and a half rain delay. When pressed after the game, Dusty explained, “Of course I didn’t want to put Cordero back in but the rules prohibited me from putting Harang back in.” Someone needs to write the book, “Dummyball.”
The Contestants and Producers of MTV’s ‘Real World/Road Rules The Duel 2’ – Bravo on a fantastic season. If we could figure out a fantasy league around your competition, we would.
